Story Submitted By Katie
A Cure for Insecurity
As a child, I remember a giant hole in me that I could never seem to fill. I wanted to be anyone else but me, so when I idolized Disney princess, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and later on Britney Spears, I thought I could try to fit in. I grew up in a chaotic house, my parents divorcing when I was 15 and having to go to therapist all of my teenage years. Alcoholism and drug addiction strong on both sides of the family but I took my first drink with my brother at 15 and it was magical.
All of my doubts, insecurities and fears subsided. It wasn’t long before I got my friends drinking on weekends, at football games and before school dances. College years were just as fun and I partied as hard as I studied. I was the girl who made sure I had more alcohol left when everyone else in the party ran out. I stole your alcohol and I didn’t care, the night didn’t end until the booze were Gone or I passed out with the spins.
A study came out that said I was a “binge drinker” so I went with that. After college shots got too messy, hard alcohol meant blackouts and I woke up to messages about things I did the night before. My friends thought it was hilarious so I brushed it off.
My Drinking Got Worse
Living on my own in Boston, my drinking got worse, more blackouts, more shameful nights and more apologizing. Bruises I couldn’t remember, cuts and falling down all the time. Then I got an OUI and ended up in the hospital with a concussion.
Even though I hated myself and thought it made me a horrible person I didn’t think much of it until my therapist told me that I should try having “one drink”. For months I couldn’t and I’d lie. I lost my phone twice, credit card too many times to recall and my dignity even more. Concussion #2 only 3 months later, on a long day/night of drinking left me without a job, without an internship and hopeless.
The Wisdom of Two Old Men
At this point I’m drinking almost every day and my therapist wants me to go to an AA meeting. A friend reaches out and takes me and I hear what I needed to hear from 2 old men in a church basement. My life is unmanageable because of alcohol and I can’t stop drinking.
It took me almost a month of meetings to finally stop drinking. Much to my surprise girls would call and check on me and they really wanted to know how I was doing. Getting sober was hell. I thought about alcohol all the time and wanted the suffering to end.
I got a sponsor, a home group, found a higher power and did the steps in 6 months.
The Obession has Been Removed
I am 8 months sober today and the mental obsession and physical compulsion is removed as long as I work my program. I thank my higher power every day that I am alive and grateful to be sober. At 28 years old I thought it was the end of the world, my identity for 13 years was stolen from me.
I am living proof it is not the end of the world. Sobriety is amazing and the 12 steps got me sober. I thought I was hopeless and would never have what other people have. That’s not true for me and it’s not for any woman out there struggling. You can do it too!! Just dive into the program and don’t stop. You will be amazed!