What to Do When Your Child Is Addicted to Drugs or Alcohol
Discovering your child has an addiction feels like your world is collapsing. As a mother who has navigated this devastating journey for over six years, I understand the overwhelming mix of fear, guilt, anger, and desperate love that consumes you. My daughter, now 25, has been battling addiction since she was 19—and today, she celebrates 20 months of sobriety.
If you’re reading this, you’re likely asking the same questions I once asked: “How did this happen?” “What did I do wrong?” “How can I save my child?” The truth I’ve learned through years of therapy, support groups, and painful experience is both heartbreaking and liberating: you cannot save your addicted child, but you can learn how to help them save themselves.
According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, over 20 million Americans struggle with substance use disorders, and families are often the hidden victims of this epidemic. This guide shares what I wish I had known when our journey began.
Signs Your Child May Be Struggling with Addiction
Many parents miss early warning signs or dismiss them as “typical teenage behavior.” Looking back, I can see red flags that I either ignored or didn’t understand at the time.
Physical Warning Signs of Drug or Alcohol Abuse
- Dramatic weight loss or gain
- Bloodshot or glassy eyes, dilated or constricted pupils
- Frequent nosebleeds (could indicate cocaine use)
- Track marks, bruises, or unexplained injuries
- Poor hygiene and grooming habits
- Unusual smells on clothing or breath
- Tremors or shaking hands
Behavioral Changes That Signal Addiction
- Lying about whereabouts, activities, or money
- Stealing from family members or pawning belongings
- Abandoning longtime friends for new social groups
- Dropping out of activities they once enjoyed
- Dramatic mood swings or personality changes
- Sleeping at unusual hours or chronic insomnia
- Aggressive or violent behavior when questioned
Academic and Social Red Flags
- Sudden drop in grades or school attendance
- Disciplinary problems at school or work
- Loss of job or inability to maintain employment
- Legal troubles like DUI, possession charges, or theft
- Isolation from family and old friends
- Financial problems despite having income
Important: These signs don’t automatically mean addiction, but multiple indicators warrant serious attention and possibly professional evaluation.
How to Talk to Your Addicted Child Without Pushing Them Away
One of the hardest lessons I learned is that how you approach your addicted child can either open the door to healing or slam it shut forever.
What NOT to Say to Your Addicted Child
- “Why can’t you just stop?” (Addiction isn’t a choice)
- “You’re destroying our family” (Creates shame and guilt)
- “I’m so disappointed in you” (Damages self-worth)
- “If you loved us, you’d quit” (Manipulative and ineffective)
- “We’ve tried everything” (Sounds hopeless)
Effective Communication Strategies for Parents
Use “I” statements instead of “you” accusations:
- “I’m worried about your health” vs. “You’re killing yourself”
- “I feel scared when you don’t come home” vs. “You’re being selfish”
- “I love you and want to help” vs. “You need to get your act together”
Set clear boundaries with love:
- “I won’t give you money, but I’ll drive you to treatment”
- “You can’t live here while using drugs, but I’ll help you find sober living”
- “I won’t lie to cover for you, but I’ll support your recovery efforts”
When to Have the Conversation
- Choose a time when they’re sober (if possible)
- Avoid interventions during withdrawal or intoxication
- Pick a private, comfortable setting
- Have resources and treatment options ready to discuss
- Be prepared for denial, anger, or promises to quit on their own
Understanding Different Types of Addiction Treatment
When my daughter finally agreed to get help, I was overwhelmed by treatment options. Here’s what I learned about different levels of care and when each is appropriate.
Inpatient Drug Rehab: When Residential Treatment Is Necessary
Inpatient treatment is recommended for:
- Severe physical dependence requiring medical detox
- Multiple failed attempts at outpatient treatment
- Co-occurring mental health disorders
- Unsafe home environment or negative influences
- Suicidal thoughts or self-harm behaviors
What inpatient treatment includes:
- 24/7 medical supervision and support
- Individual and group therapy sessions
- Family therapy and education programs
- Recreational and occupational therapy
- Relapse prevention planning
- Medication management when appropriate
Duration and costs:
- Most programs last 30-90 days
- Costs range from $6,000-$20,000 per month
- Many insurance plans cover inpatient treatment under mental health parity laws
Outpatient Addiction Treatment Options
Intensive Outpatient Programs (IOP):
- 9-20 hours of treatment per week
- Allows patients to maintain work or school
- Includes individual counseling, group therapy, and family sessions
- Duration: 8-16 weeks typically
- Cost: $3,000-$10,000 for complete program
Standard Outpatient Counseling:
- 1-3 therapy sessions per week
- Best for mild addiction or as step-down from intensive treatment
- Focuses on maintaining sobriety and preventing relapse
- Cost: $100-$200 per session
The Role of Sober Living Homes in Long-Term Recovery
Why sober living houses are crucial for lasting recovery:
Sober living homes, also called halfway houses, provide the structured environment many addicts need to transition from treatment back to independent living. My daughter spent 8 months in sober living, and I credit this experience with her successful recovery.
What makes sober living effective:
- Accountability: Regular drug testing and house meetings
- Structure: Curfews, chores, and house responsibilities
- Peer support: Living with others in recovery
- Life skills: Learning to budget, work, and manage daily responsibilities
- Recovery community: Connection to 12-step programs and sponsors
Benefits for families: While your child is in sober living, you can focus on your own healing without constantly worrying about their safety. This separation allowed my husband and me to address our codependency issues and learn healthier ways to support our daughter.
Costs and logistics:
- Weekly rent typically ranges from $125-$300
- No long-term leases required
- Residents can be removed immediately for relapse
- Most accept residents for 3-12 months
- Some provide job placement assistance
How to Stop Enabling Your Addicted Child
Learning the difference between helping and enabling was one of the hardest parts of my journey. Enabling feels like love, but it actually prevents your child from experiencing the consequences that might motivate them to get sober.
Examples of Enabling Behaviors Parents Must Avoid
- Giving money (even for “food” or “gas”)
- Paying legal fees for drug-related charges
- Making excuses to employers, schools, or family
- Providing housing while they’re actively using
- Buying them cars they can’t afford to maintain
- Bailing them out of jail repeatedly
- Doing their laundry or other basic adult tasks
How to Help Without Enabling
- Offer treatment resources instead of money
- Provide emotional support for recovery efforts only
- Set clear boundaries and stick to them consistently
- Focus on your own healing and mental health
- Connect them with professionals rather than trying to fix everything yourself
Setting Boundaries That Actually Work
Financial boundaries:
- “I won’t give you cash, but I’ll pay treatment centers directly”
- “I won’t pay your bills, but I’ll help you create a budget”
Living situation boundaries:
- “You can’t live here while using drugs or alcohol”
- “If you relapse, you have 24 hours to find other housing”
- “Family dinners are for sober family members only”
Emotional boundaries:
- “I won’t discuss your addiction drama with extended family”
- “I won’t change my plans because you’re in crisis again”
- “I love you, but I won’t be manipulated by threats or guilt”
Taking Care of Yourself: Recovery for Parents of Addicts
The trauma of having an addicted child affects your mental health, marriage, relationships, and physical wellbeing. You cannot pour from an empty cup—taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s essential.
Why Parents Need Their Own Recovery Program
The hidden costs of addiction on families:
- 92% of family members report experiencing stress-related health problems
- 70% of parents of addicts develop anxiety or depression
- Divorce rates increase by 10-50% in families affected by addiction
- Siblings often develop behavioral problems or become parentified
Support Groups for Parents of Addicts
Al-Anon Family Groups:
- Free support meetings for families of alcoholics and addicts
- Available worldwide with in-person and online options
- Teaches the principles of detachment with love
- Provides sponsors and step-work for family members
Nar-Anon:
- Specifically for families of drug addicts
- Similar structure to Al-Anon but focuses on drug addiction
- Smaller but growing network of meetings
Families Anonymous:
- Addresses all types of destructive behaviors, not just addiction
- Helpful for families dealing with mental illness and addiction together
SMART Recovery Family & Friends:
- Evidence-based approach using cognitive behavioral techniques
- Less spiritual than 12-step programs
- Focus on motivation and practical tools
Professional Help for Parents
Individual therapy benefits:
- Process trauma, grief, and complicated emotions
- Learn healthy coping strategies
- Address any personal addiction or mental health issues
- Develop better communication skills
Marriage counseling importance:
- Addiction often divides parents on how to handle the situation
- Learn to present a united front
- Address relationship issues that may have contributed to family dysfunction
- Strengthen your partnership through crisis
Family therapy value:
- Include your addicted child when they’re ready
- Address family dynamics that may support addiction
- Learn healthier communication patterns
- Plan for ongoing recovery as a family unit
What to Expect During Your Child’s Recovery Journey
Recovery isn’t linear, and understanding what to expect can help you avoid common pitfalls that sabotage progress.
The First 30 Days: What Parents Should Know
Week 1-2: Detox and stabilization
- Your child may be physically ill and emotionally volatile
- Expect mood swings, sleep problems, and intense cravings
- Don’t take anger or hurtful comments personally
- Focus on basic needs: medical care, nutrition, safety
Week 3-4: Early recovery adjustments
- Emotions may intensify as brain chemistry stabilizes
- Depression and anxiety are common
- Your child may seem like a stranger as their personality emerges without substances
- Begin setting realistic expectations for communication and involvement
Months 2-6: Building New Habits and Relationships
What you might see:
- Increased engagement in treatment and support groups
- New friendships with people in recovery
- Interest in activities they abandoned during active addiction
- Gradual improvement in physical appearance and health
How to support during this phase:
- Celebrate small victories without making a big deal about them
- Avoid asking daily questions about their program or progress
- Support their involvement in recovery activities even if it means less family time
- Continue focusing on your own healing and support
Months 6-12: Testing Boundaries and Independence
Common challenges:
- Your child may want more freedom and responsibility quickly
- They might resist structure or rules they followed early in recovery
- Family conflicts may increase as everyone adjusts to new dynamics
- The “pink cloud” of early recovery may wear off, leading to temporary depression
Maintaining healthy boundaries:
- Stick to agreements made early in recovery
- Don’t assume they’re “fixed” and ready for complete independence
- Continue requiring accountability while gradually increasing trust
- Support their recovery program attendance even when they resist
Year Two and Beyond: Long-Term Recovery Realities
Positive changes you can expect:
- More stable mood and personality
- Improved relationships with all family members
- Increased responsibility and reliability
- Personal growth and maturity beyond their chronological age
Ongoing challenges:
- Recovery requires lifelong maintenance
- Stress, grief, or major life changes can trigger cravings
- Your relationship will continue evolving
- Trust rebuilds slowly through consistent actions over time
How to Find the Right Treatment for Your Addicted Child
Not all treatment programs are created equal, and finding the right fit can make the difference between success and another failed attempt.
Questions to Ask Treatment Centers
About their approach:
- What treatment philosophy do you follow?
- Do you treat co-occurring mental health disorders?
- What’s your policy on medication-assisted treatment?
- How do you involve families in the treatment process?
About staff and credentials:
- Are your counselors licensed addiction professionals?
- What’s your staff-to-patient ratio?
- Do you have medical staff on-site 24/7?
- How many years has your program been operating?
About outcomes and aftercare:
- What are your completion and success rates?
- How do you define treatment success?
- What aftercare services do you provide?
- Do you help with sober living placement?
Red Flags to Avoid in Treatment Programs
- Promises of quick fixes or unrealistic success rates
- High-pressure sales tactics or demands for immediate payment
- Lack of medical supervision during detox
- No family involvement or education component
- Unwillingness to provide references from former patients or families
- No accreditation from recognized organizations
- Isolation from outside support groups or sponsors
Understanding Insurance Coverage for Addiction Treatment
The Mental Health Parity Act requires most insurance plans to cover:
- Medical detoxification
- Inpatient rehabilitation treatment
- Outpatient counseling and therapy
- Prescription medications for addiction treatment
- Family therapy sessions
How to maximize your insurance benefits:
- Get pre-authorization before starting treatment
- Choose in-network providers when possible
- Keep detailed records of all treatment-related expenses
- Appeal denials in writing with supporting documentation
- Consider out-of-network benefits if in-network options are limited
Supporting Your Child’s Recovery While Protecting Your Family
Recovery affects everyone in the family, including siblings, grandparents, and close friends. Creating a healthy environment that supports sobriety while protecting vulnerable family members requires careful planning.
Protecting Other Children in the Home
If you have younger children:
- Explain addiction in age-appropriate terms
- Reassure them that addiction isn’t contagious or their fault
- Maintain their normal routines and activities
- Consider therapy to help them process their feelings
- Set clear rules about not keeping secrets for their addicted sibling
Managing sibling relationships:
- Don’t expect other children to be supportive immediately
- Allow them to set their own boundaries with their addicted sibling
- Avoid comparing children or making others feel responsible for their sibling’s recovery
- Provide individual attention and support to each child
Creating a Recovery-Friendly Home Environment
Physical changes that support sobriety:
- Remove all alcohol and prescription medications from common areas
- Lock up medications and keep an inventory
- Consider removing items that might be sold for drug money
- Create spaces for recovery activities like meditation or reading
Family rules that support recovery:
- No discussion of drinking or drug war stories
- Recovery meeting attendance takes priority over family events
- Visitors must be approved and sober
- Recovery support activities are encouraged and accommodated
Navigating Holidays and Family Events
Strategies for sober celebrations:
- Plan alcohol-free gatherings or provide alternatives
- Have an exit strategy if your child becomes uncomfortable
- Brief family members on appropriate topics and boundaries
- Focus on activities rather than food and drink
- Be prepared to leave early or skip events if necessary
When to Use Tough Love vs. Compassionate Support
One of the most confusing aspects of parenting an addicted child is knowing when to be firm and when to be supportive. The answer depends on where your child is in their recovery journey and what behaviors you’re addressing.
Situations That Require Tough Love
Active addiction behaviors:
- Stealing from family members
- Bringing drugs or drug dealers into your home
- Threatening or violent behavior
- Repeatedly lying about drug use
- Driving under the influence
Appropriate tough love responses:
- Immediate removal from your home
- Cutting off all financial support
- Refusing to bail them out of legal consequences
- Not providing alibis or excuses to others
- Letting them experience natural consequences
When Compassionate Support Is Appropriate
Recovery-oriented behaviors:
- Attending treatment or support group meetings
- Taking prescribed medications as directed
- Working with a sponsor or counselor
- Engaging in healthy activities and relationships
- Taking responsibility for past actions
How to show compassionate support:
- Verbal encouragement and recognition of progress
- Practical support like transportation to meetings
- Including them in family activities when appropriate
- Listening without judgment or advice-giving
- Celebrating recovery milestones together
The Gray Areas: Making Difficult Decisions
Situations requiring careful consideration:
- Requests for help with basic needs like food or shelter
- Medical emergencies or mental health crises
- Job loss or housing issues during recovery
- Relationship problems or legal issues from past behavior
Decision-making framework:
- Will this help or enable their recovery?
- Am I acting out of fear or healthy concern?
- What would their treatment team or sponsor advise?
- Is this something they should handle independently?
- What are the natural consequences if I don’t intervene?
Dealing with Relapses: What Every Parent Needs to Know
Relapse rates for addiction are similar to other chronic diseases like diabetes or hypertension—40-60% of people relapse at some point. Understanding this reality can help you respond more effectively when it happens.
Signs Your Child May Be Relapsing
Early warning signs:
- Stopping attendance at support meetings
- Isolating from recovery friends and sponsors
- Mood changes or increased irritability
- Changes in sleep patterns or appetite
- Talking about missing their old lifestyle
- Spending time with people who use drugs or alcohol
Obvious signs of relapse:
- Finding drugs or alcohol in their possession
- Slurred speech or other signs of intoxication
- Dilated or constricted pupils
- Unusual behavior or personality changes
- Lying about whereabouts or activities
- Disappearing for hours or days without contact
How to Respond to a Relapse
Immediate response:
- Ensure their physical safety first
- Don’t lecture or express disappointment while they’re intoxicated
- Remove them from your home if that’s your established boundary
- Contact their treatment team or sponsor if appropriate
- Focus on getting them back into treatment, not punishing them
After the crisis passes:
- Have a calm conversation about what led to the relapse
- Encourage them to return to treatment immediately
- Don’t change your boundaries or consequences
- Continue attending your own support groups
- Remember that relapse doesn’t erase previous progress
Preventing Future Relapses
Help your child identify their triggers:
- Stressful life events or major changes
- Certain people, places, or situations
- Emotional states like loneliness, anger, or boredom
- Physical pain or illness
- Overconfidence in their recovery
Support relapse prevention strategies:
- Regular participation in support groups
- Maintaining relationships with sponsors and sober friends
- Continued therapy or counseling
- Healthy lifestyle habits including exercise and nutrition
- Stress management techniques like meditation or yoga
Financial Impact of Addiction on Families
The financial cost of addiction extends far beyond treatment expenses. Understanding and planning for these costs can help you make better decisions about how to help your child without destroying your family’s financial stability.
Hidden Costs of Addiction for Families
Direct costs parents often bear:
- Multiple treatment program fees ($6,000-$50,000+ per episode)
- Legal fees for DUI, possession, or theft charges ($2,000-$15,000+)
- Property damage or theft replacement ($500-$10,000+)
- Increased insurance premiums
- Lost work time for court dates, interventions, or crises
Indirect financial impacts:
- Depleted retirement or college savings
- Increased debt from covering child’s expenses
- Lost investment growth from liquidating assets
- Career setbacks from addiction-related stress
- Divorce-related legal and living expenses
Protecting Your Financial Future
Essential financial boundaries:
- Set a specific budget for addiction-related expenses annually
- Don’t liquidate retirement accounts to pay for treatment
- Consider loans for treatment costs rather than using savings
- Maintain separate accounts your child can’t access
- Get court orders to remove them from shared credit cards or accounts
Smart ways to help financially:
- Pay treatment centers and sober living homes directly
- Purchase gift cards for groceries instead of giving cash
- Pay for specific services like phone bills or car insurance
- Contribute to supervised savings accounts for recovery goals
- Offer matching funds for money they earn legitimately
Insurance Strategies for Addiction Treatment
Maximizing your benefits:
- Choose family insurance plans with good mental health coverage
- Understand your annual deductible and out-of-pocket maximums
- Keep your child on your insurance as long as legally possible
- Appeal insurance denials with help from treatment centers
- Consider supplemental insurance for addiction treatment
Frequently Asked Questions for Parents of Addicts
How do I know if my child needs professional treatment or can quit on their own?
Very few people with genuine addiction can quit without professional help. Signs that professional treatment is necessary include:
- Multiple failed attempts to quit independently
- Physical withdrawal symptoms when not using
- Continued use despite serious consequences
- Inability to control the amount or frequency of use
- Neglecting responsibilities for work, school, or family
Should I cut off all contact with my addicted child?
Complete cutoff should be a last resort and only when your safety or the safety of other family members is at risk. More effective approaches include:
- Setting clear boundaries about what contact looks like
- Only engaging when they’re sober
- Focusing conversations on recovery and positive topics
- Using “time-outs” during manipulation or abusive behavior
How long should I wait before trusting my child again?
Trust is rebuilt through consistent actions over time, not through promises or good intentions. Generally:
- Small privileges can be earned back in 30-90 days of sobriety
- Major responsibilities should wait 6-12 months
- Financial trust may take 1-2 years to fully restore
- Complete trust often requires several years of sustained recovery
What if my child refuses treatment?
You cannot force an adult child into treatment, but you can:
- Create consequences that make continuing to use more difficult
- Remove enabling support like housing and money
- Consult with intervention specialists
- Learn about involuntary commitment laws in your state
- Continue setting boundaries while leaving the door open for help
How do I explain my child’s addiction to family and friends?
Addiction is a medical condition, not a moral failing. Consider saying:
- “Sarah is dealing with a substance use disorder and getting treatment”
- “We’re supporting John’s recovery one day at a time”
- “This is a family health issue we’re working through together”
- “We appreciate your support and understanding during this difficult time”
Should I attend family therapy if my child is in treatment?
Yes, family therapy is crucial for several reasons:
- Addresses family dynamics that may contribute to addiction
- Teaches healthy communication and boundary-setting
- Helps you process your own trauma and emotions
- Improves the chances of long-term recovery success
- Provides professional guidance for difficult decisions
What if my child has mental health issues along with addiction?
Dual diagnosis (co-occurring mental health and substance use disorders) requires specialized treatment that addresses both conditions simultaneously. Look for:
- Programs specifically designed for dual diagnosis
- Staff trained in both addiction and mental health treatment
- Psychiatrists who specialize in addiction medicine
- Integrated treatment plans that don’t treat conditions separately
How do I help my other children cope with their sibling’s addiction?
Siblings are often forgotten victims of addiction. Help them by:
- Providing individual therapy focused on their needs
- Joining family support groups designed for siblings
- Maintaining their normal activities and friendships
- Being honest about the situation in age-appropriate ways
- Ensuring they’re not parentified or given adult responsibilities
Moving Forward: Hope and Healing for Families
Recovery is possible, both for your addicted child and for your family. The journey is longer and more complicated than anyone wants, but thousands of families emerge stronger and healthier on the other side.
What I’ve learned after six years:
My daughter’s sobriety belongs to her, not to me. My job isn’t to keep her sober—it’s to love her unconditionally while maintaining healthy boundaries. Some days this feels impossible, and other days it feels like the most natural thing in the world.
Recovery has given us both the chance to become the people we were meant to be. My daughter is compassionate, responsible, and wise beyond her years. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I knew and that asking for help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness.
The gifts of this journey:
While I wouldn’t choose this path for any family, it has brought unexpected gifts:
- Deeper appreciation for ordinary moments
- Stronger relationships with people who truly understand
- Greater empathy for others facing difficult challenges
- Spiritual growth and connection to something larger than ourselves
- The knowledge that we can survive anything life brings
Resources for immediate help:
- SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357 (free, confidential, 24/7)
- Al-Anon Information Services: 1-888-425-2666
- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
- Treatment Locator: findtreatment.gov
Remember: You didn’t cause your child’s addiction, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. But you can learn to love them and yourself in healthier ways. Recovery is possible for both of you.
This article reflects personal experience and research, not professional medical advice. Always consult with qualified addiction specialists and mental health professionals for personalized guidance.
About the Author: This guide is written by a mother who has navigated the addiction recovery journey with her daughter for over six years, including experience with treatment programs, sober living homes, and family recovery support systems.