Addicted to Recovery
Hi, I’m Krissy and I’m an alcoholic. I grew up in a small town on the outskirts of Boston. From as far back as I can remember, I felt apart from, instead of a part of. Until I found alcohol, anyway!
I can’t remember when I learned how to tie my shoes or what my first birthday was like, but I can tell you EVERYTHING about my first drink. I can tell you where I was, who I was with, what I was wearing, even what the weather was like! After that first drink, I couldn’t imagine living my life without alcohol. For me, alcohol was a channel, a way to be comfortable in my own skin. I never realized it was going to be a catalyst for grave destruction.
In my early twenties, I worked as a bartender and went to college. Daytime drinking and partying all night were normal. Needless to say, I soon crossed that invisible line where alcohol was a need and no longer a want. I’d tell myself I needed alcohol to feel normal, or that I’d just have one. Turns out one drink is too many and a thousand drinks are never enough. When the party was over, when everyone was moving on with their lives, I was left alone. I was left alone with my disease.
It wasn’t too long before I found myself suffering from an anxiety disorder. I unsuccessfully tried to fix this with alcohol. Panic attacks dominated daily life, which, in turn, fueled my addiction. The only solution I knew was alcohol.
By now, I was drinking every night, often to the point of functioning blackouts. I found myself in jails, hospitals, and more unfamiliar places than I can count, but I still wasn’t willing to admit I had a problem. However, I was willing to quit drinking for long stretches. Of course, these would be followed by destructive relapses. Half-measures availed me nothing!
I was told, on my last trip to the ER, if I continued down this road, I’d die. By the next morning, I was willing to admit total surrender to my disease. I admitted that I was an alcoholic, powerless and hopeless. I crawled my ass into a sunrise meeting, broken and scared. This is when my recovery journey began.
Honesty, openness, and willingness were taught to me. I walked through hell for over a decade and I was finally ready to experience freedom. I opened up my heart and my mind. Amazingly, the mental obsession began to lift and people could see glimpses of my old self peaking through.
Today, I am truly grateful to feel what it’s like to be recovering from my disease. I’m finally at peace with my past. I have a sponsor, work the steps, and participate in service to keep myself focused in my recovery. My life has miraculously changed and for that – I’m truly grateful.