I Found HEAVEN in the Smoke of a Blue Pill

Kate and I looked at each other and smiled, as we both knew we were getting into that drug dealers car. He was right. I had dabbled in the club scene drugs, tried crack cocaine but nothing and I mean nothing was like what those tiny blue pills did for me after I learned to smoke them. I was in heaven. I found my soul mate. I found the thing that stopped the pain, the anxiety and the reason to hurry. It was the solution to my fears. I found my entire everything in a piece of aluminum foil, a bic pen and a pill marked A215.

The next few months revolved around doing Roxicodone’s. Every single decision I made revolved around when I would get my hands on more pills and tin foil. I am 17 years old now and finishing up my senior year of high school. I had good grades so I was enrolled in a program that allowed me to do half days in high school and take college courses senior year at the local community college. For most teenagers, this was a set up for their future.

This meant they would save time and money in college by getting classes done early. What did this mean for me? Well I could tell all my drug dealer friends I was 18 years old and in college living on my own. I started to take on an entirely different persona. I would pretend I was asleep in the morning when I was taking my high school classes and then go and meet up with them in the afternoon.

This was when the serious trouble began. The interesting thing about using drugs is you start to develop this invincible mentality. This idea that you will never be caught, nothing bad will happen and that life could not get any better than this.

That is not what happened. Since I was hanging out with drug dealers on the bad side of town we started to get noticed by the police a lot. You might be thinking, “Wow! A 17-year-old being watched the police I am sure that would help them change their behaviors!” False.

Well sort of false. It did help me change by behaviors but instead of well, stopping going to the drug dealers house all together we decided to wrap the windows in tin foil and get high on the floor in case the police could see into the house.

I started to be more careful of transporting drugs on me in the car. I would wrap them up in a cigarette case and I would leave them in next to the gas tank on the side of my car in case I was getting pulled over. I started to realize it was not a matter of if I would get caught but when I would get caught.

My First Raid


One Friday night around 10:00 PM my little circle of friends and I were getting high in one of our friend’s apartments. We could get high there even though the man had a toddler running around. Suddenly, we were alerted that the cops were outside and jumped off the couch and ran to the bathroom to attempt to flush and hide our drugs. While we were in the bathroom the door was kicked open from a police man with his gun drawn and pointed it at my scared little face. “GET DOWN ON THE GROUND” he screamed as panic set in. I of course did as the police asked. As more and more police poured into the apartment, the officer with the gun pointed at my 17-year-old head, we shall call him Bob for the sake of the story, Officer Bob instructed us to leave the bathroom and make it over to the couch.

As we sat on the couch Captain Bob started asking us a ton of questions about what we were doing here, did we know what was going on, were we using drugs? Of course, not we explained. We were good kids. It was then Bob said to us very calmly “look down – what is that right next to you.”

Nothing in me wanted to look down at what was next to me. I was hoping that it was Sketchy the black kitty snuggled on the couch that the officer was referring to. So, we looked down and of course next to us was a pile of marijuana and cocaine.

After a few minutes, we noticed that everyone except Kate and I were handcuffed and outside. Apparently, they attempted to run away while we were flushing the goodies. Officer Bob did us a solid that day. He gave us 5 minutes to get a parent over here or we would be leaving in the squad car with our friends. Kate’s parents were there in a blink of an eye, screamed at us in front of the cops and piled us in the car. I was grounded for I think ever after that by my parents. Our friends that were handcuffed outside were booked and charged with crimes and had to finish senior year on probation. I believe that toddler was taken by social services after that day. I dodged a bullet.

Can’t Stop Won’t Stop


I had to stop. I had to wake up before I ruin everything. I was going to change for my parents, my future and my well-being!
Just kidding! That is not what happened.

What happened? I continued doing what I was doing. I was hanging out with people 10 years old than me, stealing from every Walmart and Home Depot in the county to return the items for gift cards, using every single day every few hours just to function.

I became full on addicted to drugs. I did not know it yet as I had no reason really to stop. I was getting into trouble with the law, I was losing motivation for high school and college and my parents did not trust one word out of my mouth.

I remember Prom night 2007. I went to Prom even though all my close friends were either kicked out of school for drug use or for some other reason. I went and had a decent time. All night I was texting my friend about getting high. So, after Prom my friends and I met up at some real upscale budget inn type of place and got high all night.

Hide the Evidence


The reason I mention story is for no other reason of what happened the next day. My friend went home and her older sister looked at her phone when she was in the shower. She saw the proof of what we were doing. We were so stupid back then we even had pictures of us doing cocaine and smoking pills. The next day she called me and said she wanted to speak to my parents. I said they were not home. She called the house phone every hour that day. I even unplugged the house phone and deleted her number off the caller ID and deleted the voice mails.

The funny thing is all they had to do was come over. Did not see that coming. So, my friend’s sister, aunt and mother showed up at my house the day after my senior Prom and came in and to speak to my parents. As we sat in the kitchen around the table they told my parents everything. They brought the proof of text messages and pictures and tried to do what I can only imagine was an intervention. Being caught in a tough situation I did what I knew best… lied. I blamed everything on my friend’s older boyfriend. He was pushing the drugs on us and all the texts were about marijuana I proclaimed not the pills! Everything was his fault. Somehow, I escaped disaster again. My friend did not talk to me for a long time after that for blaming her boyfriend. He was 10 years our senior and now her family believed he was a drug dealer. I was advised by my parent’s again to “stay away from people like that” and that was it. My friend stayed with that man for another few years until she later got sober. Her getting sober showed me is was possible. He died of a drug overdose a few years later. I never got to apologize for what I did to him.

Fast forward to St. Patrick’s Day 2007. I am 17 years old and my 18th birthday is right around the corner. This day is Christmas for us drinkers. Time to celebrate and celebrate I did. When I look back this day it was like my own version of Hangover 2 the movie.

Ready to Party

Ready to party on drugs

I had all the essentials! I had ecstasy, marijuana, Roxicodone and Xanax to help sleep off the ecstasy of course. We had fake Ids and a car and were off to a Rave. A rave is a big party for people on ecstasy that has a lot of lights and areas for people to touch each other which pretty much means it is heaven on earth.

Okay. Friends? Check. Drugs? Check. Rave? Check. Party time. So, party happened and around 2 AM I decide it is time to go. Frankly I am over the party scene and just wanted to go somewhere I can get high on opiates. So, I leave and drive to go pick my friends up who believe I am this 18-year-old college student and we drive down to the trailer park to pick up more pills and get high.

Flashing Blues

I am driving down a 2-lane road towards the trailer park when suddenly it happened. Blue and red flashing lights. Shit. I pull over and the cop comes over to the vehicle. I must have been speeding or he was just wondering what this group of kids in this part of town were doing at 3 AM. He asked me if I knew why he pulled me over. “No Sir” I replied. “Well you made your car serve off the road back there.” I had no idea what he was talking about I did not notice anything like that.

Then the trouble began. “Can I have your license and registration” he said with a pretty harsh tone. So, I handed him my wallet as I opened the glove box. “Just the license Mam not the wallet.” “Opps! Of course,” So I handed him my license while I kept searching for the registration. “Eh Mam this is your library card not your driver’s license. Can you please shut the car off?”

Okay first off who hands a police officer their library card. This is not going well.

“Are there any drugs in the vehicle?” Okay I used to watch a lot of the TV show cops. I can say No. I got this.

“No Sir there is not!” I respond to the cop who has now called backup. “Great you won’t mind while I search the vehicle because it smells like marijuana.” We all exit the vehicle. Everyone is freaking out and not saying a word. Keep in mind I just took more ecstasy than I can remember like 2 hours ago. The officer looks at me right in the eyes and says if you get honest I will do what I can to help you. I declined his offer of help as clearly, I am smarter than this guy.

As the cops start searching the vehicle I realize that all my drugs are in my purse. He can’t just search my purse without my consent. I know this again from watching realty television.

Search for drugs

30 seconds later out comes the purse on placed on my trunk. Shit. “Um Sir there are drugs in my purse. Marijuana and a bowl used to smoke it.” “He says okay thank you for being honest please turn around.” He handcuffs me and brings me over to the back of the squad car. The messed-up things is I am so high at this point that I actually really enjoy watching the red and blue lights. How crazy is that? As I sit in the back of the squad car I see him talking to the other passengers standing outside my death trap of a vehicle and I saw it happen. I saw him tell them my age and I watched the look on all their faces when they realized that everything out of my mouth the last 6 months had been a lie. Every day I was leading a double life and these were my “best friends.”

As I sat in the squad car handcuffed in the back, watching the blue and red flashing lights dance away off the reflection of my vehicle it hit me. I had narcotic drugs in the car too. I forgot I had the Xanax and Roxicodone in my purse.

As the cop inched back toward the vehicle I explained to him the other items he would be finding and exactly where they were located. I also advised that they were all mine and the passengers had no idea. He thanked me for being honest and shut the door. He let everyone go. They walked off down the dark street together towards the trailer park while I sat and waited for my fate.

“Okay I appreciate your honesty. We have two choices here. Option one, I take you to jail right now and impound your vehicle. Option two, you can call your parents to come and pick you up and you will be notified for a court date.” Now to a normal person this might seem like a very easy decision. Call your parents crazy!

I sat there for several minutes before deciding to call my parents. I can remember everything about that call. I remember calling and waking my father up in the middle of the night and telling him I needed him to get me or I would be arrested and the pain in his voice. When my parents pulled up in one vehicle they spoke to the cops for a while as I sat handcuffed on the curb. It was still cold outside for that time of year. The police explained what would happen and then my father looked at me and the worst words ever uttered, “Ride with your mother.” As I sat in the car my mom’s anger was so intense I could feel it in my bones.

When it was my turn to explain, myself I did what anyone would do. I lied. I told her all that stuff was not mine and I had only been smoking some weed. I had to cover up the truth. I could not lose my little blue soulmate. I would do whatever I could to hide that relationship. When we got home she pulled out a 12-panel cup and said pee. I respectfully declined that offer. 12 panels?! You know how many things would come up on that darn cup? A lot. No chance I was peeing. I would rather her be mad at me for not lighting that thing up like a Christmas tree than letting her know how many drugs I was on.

Cell phone, television, car keys everything gone. She looked at me and said you are so lucky you are not 18 because you would be in jail right now. She was right. I was lucky. I did not think I was lucky all I could think about was how come I did not just eat those pills when I was getting pulled over? Those thoughts crossed my mind when I was getting pulled over, but I really wanted to smoke them so I figured why waste them?

That is what kept me up that night. How come I did not just eat those pills?

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