by Sally Rosa | Apr 11, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.”
What’s The Definition of Powerlessness and Unmanageability
The definition of powerless is “being unable to do something, or unable stop doing something; lacking strength or power; helpless and totally ineffectual.”
The definition of unmanageable is “difficult or impossible to manage; given to resisting control or discipline by others.”
What Do These Mean When Related to Alcohol and Our Lives?
What powerlessness means to me is drinking against my will. If I’m unable to stop drinking, well, how can I think I’m able to control my life? Even with incredible willpower and a genuine desire to stop, I had no choice. I had to drink and once I started drinking I couldn’t stop. That’s because alcoholism is a disease.
Have you ever said the following things as a result of alcoholism? I know I have.
- I can’t keep a job
- I’ve lost all my money and savings
- I’ve lost all my friends and no one in my family will talk to me
- I’ve gotten DUI’s
- I have liver disease
- I’ve been to the hospital three times for alcohol poisoning!
- My spouse divorced me
- I’ve been to rehab multiple times
The First Step
It makes perfect sense why this is the first step of recovery! I mean, how am I going to stay sober and grow spiritually if I can’t even believe that I’m an alcoholic?
We have to know, and I mean really know, that we have no control whatsoever over alcohol. We have to know that if we drink, even one drink, our lives will soon spiral out-of-control. Those of us who’ve relapsed (and I’m one of them) know that when we drink, life gets worse and worse.
The first step is a relief for many. The first step is a kind of freedom. Being able to admit and come to terms with being an alcoholic is the start of a new chapter. Being able to openly accept and admit that our drinking and lives are unmanageable is a new beginning.
Those who can’t admit powerlessness and unmanageability may have a reservation to drink again. Don’t get discouraged! Many alcoholics find it hard to admit, at first. Through honestly working the rest of the twelve-steps, our perspectives change. To put it another way, the twelve-steps show us a part of ourselves we never knew existed!
by Sally Rosa | Mar 25, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Twelve-Step Meetings Keep Us Sober!
Going to your first meeting sucks! It’s nerve-wracking, scary, overwhelming, and generally unpleasant all around. We don’t know what to expect, how to act, or when to speak. Basically, we’re clueless!
I know one of the main reasons meetings scared me was because I didn’t know the guidelines. I was afraid of accidentally crossing a boundary and embarrassing myself! While there are a ton of different types of twelve-step meetings, their guidelines are usually the same. Here are some tips and tricks for proper twelve-step meeting etiquette. Now, get off your ass and hit a meeting!
Women’s Meetings and Men’s Meetings
Co-ed meetings are intimidating! When I was newly sober, boys scared me! I didn’t feel comfortable sharing around them, much less reaching out to them. That second point was probably good for me!
There are gender specific meetings for just this reason. Men share their issues with other men and women share their issues with other women. It’s a beautiful thing.
Cross-Talk
Cross-talk is when someone shares directly to someone else. This might sound harmless, but in a room full of addicts and their egos? Well, then cross-talk is serious business.
We should respect each other and our unique struggles! We can’t control what others say and do, but we don’t have to be an assh**e to them. Disrespecting people should be avoided at all costs, especially in meetings, especially the newcomer.
If someone says something that isn’t right, mistakenly or not, the proper reaction is to ignore them. Move on, with open ears, to what others have to say. Remember, acceptance is the answer to ALL our problems.
Being on Time
Although all are welcome, it’s respectful to arrive at the meeting on time. You’ll never be asked to leave if you’re late, but showing up late is old behavior. Do the best you can to make it on time and to not disturb the meeting.
Cellphones
It’s important to give your full attention to the meeting. Don’t be that girl on her phone, you know the one I’m talking about!
Make sure your phone is on vibrate and put away. It’s respectful to the chairperson, speaker, and everyone else in the meeting.
If there’s an emergency, you’re allowed to answer your phone, but walk outside first!
AA and NA
NA, or Narcotics Anonymous, meetings are typically associated with drug addiction. AA, or Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are confined to problems with alcohol.
Here’s the thing, there’s no need to feel unwelcome in AA just because you used drugs. Most people in AA were also drug addicts! In AA meetings, just replace words like drugs and using with alcohol and drinking. Addiction is addiction regardless of the substance. Addiction doesn’t discriminate and neither do twelve-step meetings.
Anonymous Facilities
Refrain from talking about specific halfway-houses, treatment centers, or detox centers. It’s okay to mention these broadly, but don’t give specific names. We all have different experiences and the meeting is about these experiences (strength and hope!), not about facilities.
Anonymity
This one might be kind of obvious, but twelve-step meetings are anonymous! They’re for alcoholics and addicts to come together and share honestly. We need to be comfortable enough to talk about what happened, what life was like, and what life’s like now. That feeling of comfort doesn’t happen if people talk about what’s said outside of the room.
Again, don’t be that girl! Don’t talk outside the rooms about people you’ve seen or things you’ve heard. Everyone should be respected and left anonymous.
Time Constraints
It’s important to limit your shares to a few minutes. Some meetings offer a timekeeper, who’ll notify you when your time is up. Keeping your shares limited to a couple minutes allows everyone to have the same chance to share.
If you find your way to twelve-step meeting, these are some simple suggestions. The traditions are in place to ensure that everyone finds the help that they need!
by Sally Rosa | Jan 20, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
The Invaluable Task of Making Amends
When I think about the ninth step, I think about god. I can’t help it! During the ninth step is when god came to me. It says in the Big Book that god comes to some slowly and to some all at once. I was blessed to have a white-light experience. It happened when I took a trip home, to make amends.
I’ll get to the good stuff soon, but first let me tell you a little about myself.
My Story
I was raised by a very loving and religious family. God was a huge part of my life, until I turned fourteen. Around that time I consciously turned my back on the belief system I was raised with. Why?, you ask. I met a boy.
He lived in a trailer park, rode a motorcycle, and had bad written all over him. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I mention this bad boy because he’s a huge part of my journey AND a huge part of my ninth step.
I drank for the first time when I was sixteen. I didn’t have that much talked about “I’ve arrived” feeling. I did drink three times as much as everyone else, though. I acted like an idiot, like really an idiot. I ended up locked in a basement, by myself. This was a theme of my drinking career, going overboard. I’d always drink more, do more, need more than everyone else. Back at sixteen though? Back then, we had fun.
By the time I was eighteen, that bad boy? He put me in the hospital. This was the first time I’d been betrayed by one of my solutions. I used going to the ER as an excuse to drink harder and more often. Somewhere around this time is when I crossed that invisible line. That line you can’t EVER uncross.
Now drinking wasn’t a luxury, but a necessity. I finally left the bad boy, but not for any positive reason. He got in the way of my drinking! I have to laugh when I look back on the absurdity of it. More and more people seemed to be getting in the way of my drinking. Soon, I ended up alone. I ended up physically, spiritually, and mentally alone. I’d managed to offend, manipulate, and push away everyone who loved me.
I had some sort of moment of clarity. I don’t know where it came from, but I decided I couldn’t do this anymore. I decided I needed help. For years, this was obvious to everyone else, but I remained oblivious. I reached out to my family and started the most awkward month of my life! The month of trying to get into treatment.
During this month, my family tiptoed around me. They tried their best not to set me off (I was VERY easy to set off). The night before I came to south Florida for treatment, I saw my father cry. This was the first time I’d ever seen him cry. He sat on my bed and held his face in his hands. He asked me, through tears, where I’d disappeared to. I’d never seen this much pain in his face. I’ve never seen as much pain on anyone’s face since. I’ll always remember that night.
The Path to Recovery
I didn’t get this recovery deal right away. I didn’t understand there was actually another way to live. I drank soon after leaving treatment. I struggled. Still, I had a sponsor and was starting to grow. Well, I wanted to grow, anyway.
I managed to stay sober for a few days and began to work the steps. Around the third step, I said my first honest prayer. I asked God to remove my obsession to drink. God didn’t remove this obsession right away, but he did send me some amazing people. These people were laughing, smiling, and talking about God!
I started to write my fourth step. Then, one day, I got a phone call. My teenage heartthrob bad boy had passed away. I was devastated. I was broken. I was ready to drink. I was faced with the choice we all face in early sobriety – to start drinking and go on to the bitter end, or to live and accept spiritual help. I chose to live. I started my fifth step and told another woman how sick I really was. She hugged me and told me she’d never been prouder of me.
I worked steps six and seven. My defects were revealed to me and to my sponsor. I asked God to remove them. Afterwards, I was ready to make my list of amends. Not only was I ready to make this list, but I was ready to find the willingness to face the people I’d hurt. I was ready to take ownership of the mistakes I made and the harm I caused.
Here we are at my ninth step, at my white-light experience.
When I Met God
I was sitting in the airport, about to go home and face the people I’d wronged. I was sitting there and saw a man standing at the check-in desk. He looked terrified. I don’t know what was going on with him, but it suddenly hit me. OTHER PEOPLE HAVE FEAR! Not only fear, but they have feelings. They have feelings that are just as important as my feelings!
This was a VERY new thought. Up to that moment, the entire world revolved around me and what I wanted., I became overwhelmed with compassion for this stranger. In that one moment, everything changed. I became aware of my surroundings and all the people there. I felt gratitude, love, and compassion for each and every one of them. I had a spiritual awakening.
I ran onto the plane, and into my family’s home in Massachusetts, on fire. I made amends with my father. I told him from this point forward I’d be the daughter he raised me to be. I saw my father cry for the second time that day. This time, though, it was for a completely different reason.
I was able to make a graveside amends to my bad boy. That experience was incredible. The only amends I could make to him was the one where I lived. I promised him that I’d never stay when I knew I should go. I haven’t. These promises I was making turned into the morals and values I use to live my life
When I sat down to make amends to my sister, not one thing I’d planned to say came out. I saw things differently, before I even opened my mouth. I realized that over our entire lives I’d taken all our family’s attention. Even though she’d always done the right thing, I’d taken all of her space. There wasn’t any room for her because of how big I’d made myself.
When I returned to Florida, I returned a different person. Since then, I’ve seen this happen to numerous different women. They leave to make amends and, in the process, they become women of integrity. They become women with enormous hearts, enormous amounts of courage.
My ninth step changed the entire world for me. I was awake, aware, and grateful. Now, two years later, I’m still making amends! I’m sure I’ll be making amends for the rest of my life., Fortunately, the worst thing I’ve done is sobriety is steal someone’s cupcake. I had to make amends for that too! It was pretty humbling.
Want to know the most beautiful part about sobriety? Every time I make a mistake, I get an opportunity to grow.
by A Women in Sobriety | Jul 28, 2013 | 12 Steps
Listening is the Hardest Part
Al-Anon has taught me that pray requires listening. One of our slogans is Listen and Learn. Another is Progress Not Perfection. Another is Recovery is a Verb. Okay, I made that last one up. It’s good, isn’t it!
In Al-Anon meetings, share after share builds my trust that a Higher Power is eager to help us. There’s a catch though, we need to shut up and listen. I’m learning to listen with the eye of my eyes, the ear of my ears, the heart of my heart.
Listening in Al-Anon
Prior to entering Al-Anon, my prayers had generally consisted of long litanies. They were requests from me, Whitney, to God, wherever God is. Recovery encouraged me, through first-hand testimony, that a Higher Power is absolutely able to communicate. God can speak through anything, even a donkey!
I remember one day I was folding laundry in my son’s bedroom, who was five at the time. It must have been a summer morning, because I was folding laundry while Ned was going through the gymnastics associated with obediently making his bed. I had told him before about the times I would come into his room when he was at school – either to put laundry away or to dust or something – and find that he had made his bed (very lumpy indeed but nevertheless completely made) as I had asked. It was not until this particular morning, however, that I had ever actually observed him making his bed. And when I did, it touched my heart.
His pillows were all over the floor, while he was on his mattress. He was in the exact middle, trying to flip the various layers into flatness. He was smoothing his sheets by elongating his body and moving closer to the edge, trying to work out the wrinkles and waves and lumps. It struck me that he was so sweetly obeying, really trying and trying, and without a single complaint. Everyday, he’d been struggling like this, so faithfully. To say I was touched to see his efforts is an understatement.
Next thing you know, I was crying. “Mommy!” Ned exclaimed. “What’s the matter?” To which I replied, “Nothing, Ned, it just touches my heart to see you making your bed, to see how hard you’re trying, to see all the trouble you go to just to get it done.” And then, I believe, I heard God say:
“I love the lumps.”
God sees my efforts. He looks at my heart. My little boy, Ned, had shown me what God looks like. It doesn’t matter how well I understand each and every jot and bustle. It doesn’t matter how well I teach. It doesn’t even matter how well I do.
It only matters that I try. It only matters that I Listen and Learn.
For more anecdotes like this one, LOOK INSIDE a book on Amazon called Whit’s End by clicking here
by A Women in Sobriety | Jul 20, 2013 | 12 Steps
A Voice From Al-Anon
Meetings of Al-Anon and ACA are helping me to recover myself. See, I’d wandered into a swamp of confusion and crisis. This swamp was twenty year marriage, during which I drank right alongside my handsome, fun-loving husband.
My husband and I were glamorous, or so we thought! We fancied ourselves latter day versions of F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald. Back in the whirlwind of our Zelda and Scott days, we tried with all our might to never grow up. Our agreed upon goal in life was to avoid ever becoming boring and staid, like our parents!
After all twenty of those years, it dawned on us that we might have a problem with alcohol. It took twenty years for me to do the math on my husband’s employment record. Twenty years to discover he’d had ten jobs, with ample downtime between gigs! It took me twenty years to enter the rooms of Al-Anon.
My Recovery
Al-Anon quickly clarified there was such a thing as functional alcoholism. This, in turn, led me into years of Denial (Don’t Even kNOw I Am Lying). I learned that alcoholism is a disease and contagious at that! My husband was affected by the alcohol part. I was affected by the “-isms” part. Let’s start with the letter A: Anger and Anxiety, and move through the alphabet to Worry and Xtreme fear! Until I entered Al-Anon, I didn’t think I had any problems! I just thought my husband kept losing his job, leaving me to keep our canoe afloat.
Al-Anon taught me I was just as much an addict as he was, except my drug-of-choice wasn’t booze. My drug-of-choice was adrenaline, which pumped through me daily (at increasingly high levels!) as my husband’s disease progressed in a downward spiral. I thank GOD for wooing my husband into the rooms of AA towards the end of 1990. Approximately fifteen minutes later, we found ourselves pregnant with child, something we (aka Zelda and Scott!) had never ever wanted.
The Serenity Prayer saved the life of our unborn child. I had been pointing to the first line, saying we needed to accept the things we could not change. My husband was pointing to the second line, saying we needed to change the things we could. Then came the afternoon he phoned from a rest stop on the Merritt Parkway, hollering into the phone:
It’s the wisdom to know the difference!
This child is half mine!
I can’t walk out on him.
Our Life
It’s now twenty-two years later and said that child is the joy of our hearts. Truly, I credit the program(s) of twelve-step recovery for saving all of our lives. I credit our meetings, sponsors, recovering friends, the steps, the literature, the slogans, and the Serenity Prayer.
Most of all, I credit the Voice of God, which managed to overcome the Committee of Our Mere Minds! As we learned to practice Step Eleven, we learned to seek through prayer and mediation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him. We learned to pray ONLY for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.
It was a noisy waterfall we were headed towards when God answered us. Gently and lovingly, He spoke through earthquake, wind, and fire. He spoke a still small Voice of Calm.
For More Tips and Literature About Al-Anon Click Here!
