by Fiona Stockard | Oct 31, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Fiona Stockard
The Big Book Broken Down – Part Nine
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other to recover from alcohol and drug addiction. It was founded in June of 1935, just celebrated its seventy-ninth anniversary, and boasts over two million members.
AA’s central text is the Big Book. With a sponsor and a Big Book, AA members work the twelve steps, and “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (title page).
Today, I’ll be breaking down step eleven from the chapter “Into Action”
Step Eleven
Step eleven is “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.”
That’s a mouthful! Step eleven is longer than any of the other twelve-steps. It’s also sort of overwhelming! Just how do I improve my conscious contact with God? How do I learn God’s will?
Fear not! The Big Book gives us some concrete instructions on how to increase our contact with God as we understand God!
Into Action says that, at the end of our day, we might try asking ourselves the following questions –
“Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we own an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving towards all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?” (p. 86).
I’ve never been able to answer all those questions to my satisfaction (probably because, as an alcoholic, I’m also a perfectionist!). Remember though, it’s spiritual progress, not perfection!
I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to go through my day afraid of making any mistakes. Nope. I just have to make sure to review my conduct. I have to figure out where I fell short and work to do better.
That’s one of my favorite parts of Alcoholics Anonymous. It doesn’t matter how often I fall short of my goals. I only have to be willing to do better, to be better. God makes the rest possible!
Into Action then talks about morning meditation. It says,
“We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives…We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will…” (pp. 86-87).
That’s easy enough. It has been for me, anyway. Each morning, I meditate and pray. It took awhile to get into the routine, to make it a daily habit. The benefits I felt on the mornings I prayed and meditated, though, made it easy to incorporate into my life.
What about during the day, though? The Big Book has that covered, too. It reads, “In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision” (p. 86).
Again, easy enough, right? But what about when something bad happens during the day? That’s a bit harder. Into Action reads,
“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day ‘Thy will be done.’ We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions” (pp. 87-88)
That’s hard! When I’m angry, upset, scared, or anything else, I don’t want to pause and pray! I want to get angry! That’s a character defect that just doesn’t seem to go away. Remember though, it’s progress not perfection!
Tune in next week for a breakdown of step twelve!
by Fiona Stockard | Oct 27, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Fiona Stockard
Articles are the sole work of the individual author and do not express the opinion of Sobriety for Women.
Meeting Makers Make It
Meeting makers make it is my least favorite phrase in AA. There I said it! If you’re anything like me, you’ve been thinking the same thing for a long time.
Is there any saying more cliché and ultimately untrue? I can’t think of any! But my opinions are just that, opinions. You know what they say – opinions are like…well you know.
So, for the sake of journalistic integrity, I’m going to hold back from going on an intense rant.
Attending twelve-step meetings is important. Attending twelve-step meetings is KEY to achieving and maintaining sobriety! It’s at meetings that we hear a message of hope. It’s at meetings that we get a sponsor and then, in the future, get sponsees. It’s at meetings that we’re able to spread the message of recovery.
All of that is vital to long-term sobriety. Notice anything missing from the above list, though? That’s right, there wasn’t anything about working the steps.
Meeting Makers Make Meetings
Meetings don’t keep us sober. Working the twelve-steps (in order and with a sponsor!) keeps us sober. Entering into a relationship with God as we understand God keeps us sober. Taking other women through the steps keeps us sober.
So, what about meeting makers? Well, they make meetings. Meeting makers experience the fellowship aspect of twelve-step recovery. Once again, this is a vital part of sobriety. Still, it doesn’t allow us to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
To put it another way, only going to meetings never kept a needle out of my arm.
The Benefit of Going to Meetings
It’s at twelve-step meetings that the process of recovery begins. The first time I heard someone at a meeting share what was going on in my head, my jaw dropped. I was so taken aback that someone else actually knew what I was thinking and feeling! I immediately knew I was in the right place. I immediately knew these people could help me.
That’s the identification part of recovery. It’s important. After all, if I didn’t believe the steps could help me, I wouldn’t have done them. Duh! There’s more that’s needed for REAL sobriety, though.
First, I reached out to women I met in meetings. I listened to what people said. I talked to people who said things that made sense to me. I got numbers and called those numbers. Finally, I found a woman who had everything I wanted in life.
She smiled, laughed, and seemed happy. She could look other people in the eye. She had friends. I had nothing and couldn’t look anyone in the eye. I didn’t smile or laugh. I definitely wasn’t happy.
I asked this woman to sponsor me. I was sweating and shaking like I was dope sick. I was so scared she’d say no! She said yes and I got her number. I called her exactly zero times.
All of the above stuff is important. It’s needed and vital for sobriety and recovery, but it’s not enough.
My Experience
I had a bunch of meetings I hit regularly. I had sober supports. I even had a sponsor. Guess what happened? I relapsed.
See, I still had the mental obsession and spiritual malady. I hadn’t done any work on myself. I was still sick and suffering. Some people call it “stark raving sober.”
So, I relapsed. I got high for around a year. During that year, I was in and out of the rooms. I was making meetings, but I wasn’t making “it.” I was a slave to the obsession to use drugs and alcohol.
Finally, I was beat up enough. I called my sponsor and said, “I’m done. I’ll do anything you tell me to.” I meant what I said. I was so sick of living the way I was. My sponsor got me right into the steps.
Recovery in Every Sense of the Word
I started working steps and I got better. I got better FAST. Within six months, I had a spiritual experience. The obsession to drug and drink was removed. God replaced my spiritual malady. I started to sponsor other girls. For the first time in my life, I felt okay.
Would that have happened if I only went to meetings? Nope. Twelve-step literature tells us so. It doesn’t matter if you go to AA, NA, CA, GA, or any other A. They all tell us the same thing. They tell us that the real alcoholic or addict is unable to get better without a spiritual experience.
Once I started to do some work (aka the twelve-steps), I had a spiritual experience. I found a God of my own understanding. I found peace.
What about those meeting makers? Well, they’re still making meetings. I’m out in the world, living my life.
by Fiona Stockard | Oct 27, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Fiona Stockard
The Big Book Broken Down – Part Eight
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other to recover from alcohol and drug addiction. It was founded in June of 1935, just celebrated its seventy-ninth anniversary, and boasts over two million members.
AA’s central text is the Big Book. With a sponsor and a Big Book, AA members work the twelve steps, and “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (title page).
Today, I’ll be breaking down step ten from the chapter “Into Action”
Step Ten
Step ten is “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”
This is the cornerstone of our spiritual growth! If we want to continue to grow in the image of likeness of God as we understand God, we must be vigilant! Taking a daily inventory is how we stay vigilant. It’s how we nurture our souls. It’s how we, as women in sobriety, become women of grace and dignity.
It’s important to remember that our daily inventory can take many different forms. It doesn’t have to be a written reflection of our day before bed. It can be a spot check, or throughout the day, inventory. It can be a morning meditation followed by periodic “God check-ins.”
Like most aspects of AA, it’s personal to each woman. Whatever sort of inventory allows us to connect with God is the sort of inventory we should be doing. In fact, the Big Book says,
“Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone” (p. 84).
If we take this sort of inventory on a daily basis, our lives change dramatically. Into Action then lists the Tenth Step Promises. This is a wonderful section of the Big Book that requires its own, in-depth, exploration. Expect an article soon!
It’s hard to keep up this level of spiritual action and growth. Into Action addresses this idea, too. It says, “It is easy to let up on our spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe” (p. 85).
That’s the truth! Growing in the image and likeness of a Higher Power isn’t easy! Pain is a great motivator, but what about when our lives get good? What about when pain fades and is replaced by freedom and happiness?
Well, the Big Book reads, “We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition” (p. 85).
If we don’t stay vigilant, if we don’t keep up this level of spiritual growth, we lose our daily reprieve. In turn, the mental obsession returns and we drink. It’s that simple.
Into Action then offers suggestions for how we can carry God with us, despite the many inevitable struggles of life. It says,
“’How can I best serve Thee – Thy will (not mine) be done.’ These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will” (p. 85)
I love this idea! Of course, it’s easier said than done. When I get upset, angry, or experience any strong emotion, it’s hard to keep God’s will at the forefront of my thinking. Still, if I strive to maintain an attitude of God-centered thought, I can’t go wrong.
I also love the idea that once we’ve established a spiritual connection with God, we’re able to use our will effectively. I didn’t get sober to be in constant indecision! I got sober to be a strong and independent woman. I’m always dependent upon God, though.
This idea, of God-consciousness being vital to long-term sobriety, ends the section on the tenth step. Into Actions says, “To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action” (p. 85).
There’s always more action! The book is talking about the eleventh step, which goes hand-in-hand with the tenth. Tune in next week to learn about prayer and meditation!
by Fiona Stockard | Oct 17, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Fiona Stockard
The Big Book Broken Down – Part Seven
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other to recover from alcohol and drug addiction. It was founded in June of 1935, just celebrated its seventy-ninth anniversary, and boasts over two million members.
AA’s central text is the Big Book. With a sponsor and a Big Book, AA members work the twelve steps, and “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (title page).
Today, I’ll be breaking down steps eight and nine from the chapter “Into Action”
Step Eight
Step eight is “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” Sounds kind of scary, huh?
Steps eight and nine, much like the fourth and fifth steps, have this mystique of fear around them. We make a list of everyone we’ve harmed, go over that list with our sponsor, and make amends. That’s scary stuff for an alcoholic like me, who thrived on avoiding uncomfortable situations and lying to everyone!
We shouldn’t be worried, though. It turns out we already have our eighth step list. See, when we were doing the fourth step, we wrote a list of everyone we’d harmed. That’s our eighth step list right there.
Of course, having this list and working up the courage and willingness to face those people are two very different things! Fear not, dear readers, we just have to pray for willingness. It’ll come. The Big Book promises us that.
Step Nine
Step nine is “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
Now that we have the willingness to go out and make amends, how do we actually make them?
Well, the first thing Into Action tells us to remember is – “To some people we need not, and probably should not emphasis the spiritual feature on our first approach” (76).
Sounds good to me! When I was making amends, I was very hesitant to announce I’d found God. After all, I was living a spiritual life, but most people mistake that for a religious life. I didn’t want to make amends and have the person think I’d become some sort of religious monk!
Next, the book lays out one of the most important distinctions of the ninth step. We’re making amends, not simply apologizing. To wit, “[S]he is going to be more interested in a demonstration of good will than in our talk of spiritual discoveries” (77).
I love that! Making amends demands not only words, but action! Later in the chapter, this idea is once again brought up. “A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won’t fit the bill at all” (83).
You’re right I was sorry…I was living a pretty sorry life! Amend means to change, to alter. We can’t alter past wrongs with an apology. If I stole my mom’s Rolex, saying I’m sorry isn’t enough. Not even close. I need to get her a new Rolex or at least start giving her money (Rolex’s are expensive!).
To really drive this point home, that our amends consist of action and more action, the chapter contains another wonderful quote. It reads, “Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone” (83).
Don’t listen to my mouth, watch my feet. Whatever direction they’re going is the truth, is my truth.
Getting back to how exactly to make amends, Into Action offers some great suggestions. I had to make amends to quite a few people I disliked. They cover that. “It is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us…His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified by the result” (77-78).
Yeah, making amends to people I disliked sucked. It was SO necessary though. The feeling of peace and spiritual alignment I left those amends with? It was nothing short of pure freedom and serenity.
What about making amends to someone who doesn’t want to hear us? Into Action has that covered, too. It reads, “In nine cases out of ten the unexpected happens…It should not matter, however, if someone does throw us out of his [or her] office. We have made our demonstration, done our part” (78).
My sponsor made sure to point that out before I started making amends. “Not everyone is going to take your amends well,” she said, “you may get cursed out a few times.”
Dang! You know what though? It doesn’t matter. I made my amends anyway. I cleaned up my side of the street. I cleared away my wreckage of the past. The rest is in God’s hands. If someone doesn’t want to accept my amends, they have the right to refuse it.
The chapter goes on to give specific examples of owing money, domestic problems, having committed crimes, and generally having been an a*shole. The consensus is that we check with God, our sponsor, and other trusted friends before making amends. After all, sometimes we shouldn’t make a direct amends. Sometimes (and I can’t stress this enough, only sometimes), making a direct amends hurts someone more than it helps.
What do we do in cases like that? Simple. We make an indirect amends. That’s when we do some other sort of good deed to make right the past. In my case, in high school, I stole money from a Hispanic classmate. I didn’t know her name or where to find her. So, I donated the amount of money I stole to a Hispanic charity. This was after a lot of discussion with my sponsor and praying, of course!
Step nine in the Big Book ends by listing the ninth step promises. I’d write them out here, but I think they deserve a more thorough examination. Look for that article soon! And look for the next installment of Faith Facts next week!
by Sally Rosa | Oct 15, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Fiona Stockard
Hardcore Sobriety
I was lucky enough to get sober with a bunch of Big Book thumpers. Actually, scratch that, I don’t know if I’d have gotten sober without them. Really, I was graced enough to be given the gift of sobriety from a bunch of Big Book thumpers.
If you’ve been sober for any length of time, you probably know what a book thumper is. If you haven’t, let me tell you!
Big Book thumpers are individuals in recovery who stress the importance of working the twelve-steps and spreading a message of hope, straight from Alcoholics Anonymous, more commonly known as the Big Book.
These are the women at meetings who aren’t afraid to call bulls**t when they see it. They’re the one’s who’ll crosstalk, giving newcomers the advice they so desperately need to hear. They’re the ones you see smiling and laughing until the conversation turns to the steps, then they get deadly serious.
In short, they’re the ones saving lives.
Going to Rehab & My Introduction to Book Thumpers
I didn’t get sober the first time I tried to. Like many alcoholics, it took me a few tries. That isn’t to say it’s impossible to be a one-chip wonder, plenty of people are. Still, most alcoholics I know needed to be beaten up pretty good before they became willing.
I was living in a halfway house in Delray Beach. I was going to aftercare and twelve-step meetings everyday. I also couldn’t stop drinking and drugging. Eventually, I ended up back in rehab. This was the definition of a blessing in disguise!
While in treatment, a group of women heavily involved in H&I (Hospitals and Institutions) brought meetings in. These were hardcore book thumpers! I didn’t take their numbers, or even talk to them really, but a seed of hope was planted.
Getting Sober Thanks to Book Thumpers
Seeing these women and their passion for spreading the message of recovery, gave me hope. Plus, they were saying things I’d never heard before. They didn’t rehash the same old “don’t drink and go to meetings” slogans. Good things they didn’t! Not drinking and going to meetings kept me sick! If I could simply not drink, I wouldn’t need twelve-step recovery in the first place!
Instead, they were saying things like “Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles” (Big Book, p. 62).
Or, “Instead, the problem [alcoholism] has been removed. It does not exist for us” (Big Book, p. 85).
They were calling themselves recovered alcoholics. What an idea! You mean I had a chance to recover? To get better? Not to sit around, miserable as f**k, until I inevitability drank again?
The 12-Steps & Staying Sober in the Real World
And then came the fateful day when I got out of treatment. I wasn’t in the safe and protected rehab bubble anymore. I was in the real world. Was I going to stay sober?
Well, a close friend took me to a meeting she described as “different.” Turns out, it was a step-study meeting, packed with book thumpers! They weren’t the same women who’d brought the H&I meeting into my rehab, but they preached the same message.
I got involved almost immediately. I asked a woman to sponsor me. A few days later, we sat in Moe’s (great burritos, btw!) and worked the first three steps. It took a total of about fifteen minutes. Then she got me writing. The dreaded fourth step!
It turns out the big bad fourth step wasn’t so bad after all. Neither were steps eight and nine. None of the twelve-steps were scary or hard! Maybe I had that gift of desperation people talk about. I don’t know. I just know that I started to feel better and I was going to do whatever I could to keep that feeling going.
Being a Book Thumper Myself
Six years later, I sponsor women the same way. I’m a book thumper! I get girls into the steps quickly. They get better quickly. Of course, very little of their success or failure has anything to do with me. It all has to do with their level of willingness.
When I was first getting sober, my book thumper sponsor asked me, “are you willing to go to any length for your sobriety?” I had no idea what she was talking about, so of course I said yes. I thought she’d have me go to a lot of meetings or something like that.
Today, I know what she really meant. Going to any length means exactly what it sounds like. It means doing what my sponsor asked. If your sponsor is a book thumper, she’s going to ask you to get into the Big Book. Do it. Trust me, that simple book is the key to a whole new life!
