by Sally Rosa | Jun 30, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Articles are the sole work of the individual author and do not express the opinion of Sobriety for Women
You Want Me to What?!
I came to a halt at step three. “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood Him.” Sounds like a bunch of bulls**t to me. Now, I’m not saying those who have a god of their understanding are bulls**t, so just hear me out.
Some of us grow up with our family’s conception of god. Some of us find our own. Some of us just simply don’t have one. Can we get sober without finding god? Why do we get so hung up on such a small part of the program?
Many questions, from all different types of people, may arise at this point.
The traumatized adolescents – “If god was real, he’d have never let those horrible things happen to me.”
The smarty pants scientists – “I prefer the theories of evolution.”
The Catholic school survivors – “The priests at my school touched my little brother!”
The metal heads – “If my favorite band, Slayer, is anti-god, than so am I!”
The logical thinkers – “Seeing is believing.”
Here’s the scapegoat us addicts have been searching for. Once we see the word “god” in step three, we run for the hills. We just assume the program isn’t going to work. We finally have an excuse to say f**k it (not like we ever really needed an excuse). Well, you don’t have to run anymore because sobriety is possible for all.
Atheists and Agnostics Can Get Sober Too
The program can work for anyone who actually has a little self-will. This s**t is not rocket science. If you don’t want to stop, you’re not going to stop. Plain and simple. Nothing is going to just miraculously push you into recovery if you honestly don’t believe you have a problem with drugs and alcohol. Believing you have a problem with drugs and alcohol is more important to getting sober then believing in a god. If you want to stop, but don’t believe in god, it’s going to be tough, but possible.
The AA Big Book actually has a chapter dedicated to people who don’t believe in god. You can’t pray away an illness, but having the faith that everything will be okay certainly does ease the mind of some people. You’re not doomed to an alcoholic death just because you don’t devote your life to a religion.
As for all you bible-thumping, god-nazis who think you have some sort or minor in grammar, you’re probably critiquing my usage of a lowercase “g” in the word god. Just a quick clarification to avoid dumb comments about it (that I probably won’t read anyway) – I’m using a lowercase “g” because god isn’t a proper noun. Unless “God” is the actual name of your god, it’s lower case. It’s funny because I bet you googled it rather then having “faith” in my facts. Yet most of you have faith that there’s a man who lives in the sky, who built the world in seven days and took your addiction away. Makes a lot of sense. Now, moving on…
I Have A Problem
A few things bother me about the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings I’ve attended. Anniversary night, the celebration of yearly milestones of one’s sobriety, the same things gets repeated and I can’t f**king stand them!
People get up to make their Academy Award speech and always say “This wouldn’t have been possible without god.” That immediately makes me ask myself, “if you didn’t have a god then you wouldn’t have gotten sober? What kind of message is that sending to our newcomers?” Why are there even twelve-steps if the above statement is true. Why not just go to a church and get cured?
I feel like people don’t even know what they’re saying anymore. They’ve just heard the same regurgitated s**t over and over again. They think it’s what we want to hear, so they say it, but I see right through all that nonsense. I know for damn sure god didn’t get me sober. I believe I did a lot more work then god did, when it comes to me and my sobriety. Guess what else? I’m a very spiritual person. It took me a while to find my own conception of a higher power, but the work I put into my recovery is what ultimately saved my life.
I’ve also heard people say, “I had nothing to do with this, it was all god.” Really? You had NOTHING to do with it? Are you that f**king ignorant to truly credit all your hard work to god? I think back to my personal sobriety and god played a very small role in my life. Yet, we have these narrow-minded people telling all our newcomers that god did the hard work. They then b***h at their sponsees for not getting involved or for not doing step-work. In their minds, god’s going to take care of it all and cure them, because that’s what they heard some moron say in a meeting. That is, if they stick around long after they hear the word god.
Yes, I understand faith without works is dead. Let me tell you, you can work without faith, my friend, because at the end of the day the task gets done. Another thing I despise in the rooms is the Lord’s Prayer at the end of meetings. We preach day-in and day-out about how this is a spiritual not religious program, yet we’re reciting a Catholic prayer at the end? I refused to say it the first nine months of my sobriety because I was tortured in Catholic school my whole life. There was no way in hell I was going to utter blasphemous words against my will again. I don’t support organized religion and I shouldn’t be made to say religious prayers at a meeting that has nothing to do with religion.
Credit Where Credit’s Due
I do believe that god has done a lot of good for people. I do believe god has inspired many. God has done a lot for me. I pray often and give thanks to my higher power, but should we really be giving god ALL the credit?
Addicts already struggle with self-confidence and when they accomplish something as big as staying sober for a year, they have to hand over success to an invisible being? Have a little faith in yourself, people. After all, you did most of the work. Maybe this isn’t the case for some people, but I feel like if I took the god steps out of my sobriety, I’d still have been able to get sober. It’s not right that we tell people you can’t move on to step four (the important work) without finding god in step three. If someone gets discouraged from not having a god, or because of resentments against god, and they turn back to a drink or drug, we’re robbing them of a beautiful life.
Own your sobriety! You did it. You came this far. You worked hard for it. You made changes. You mended relationships. You’re self aware. You’re f**king awesome for all that! Take credit for it! Don’t downplay your hard work because you heard someone say a corny line like “If you didn’t drink today, thank your higher power because you had nothing to do with it.” Guess what? You had a lot to do with it.
by Fiona Stockard | Jun 23, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Katie Schipper
Busting the Myths of Quitting Tobacco in Early-Sobriety
Giving up drugs and alcohol is hard. If it were easy, then we wouldn’t need treatment, and twelve-step fellowships, and therapy, and IOP, and so on. Getting sober is really hard. Giving up tobacco in the midst of giving up drugs and alcohol can sound absolutely psychotic. Trust me, it isn’t.
There’s no evidence that supports the folklore that smoking cigarettes will help you stay sober or that giving up cigarettes is harder in early-sobriety than at other times. In support groups or addiction treatment centers, it might seem like everyone is smoking. Remember, this isn’t true! Besides, it’s going to be hard no matter when you decide to quit. So, if you want to quit smoking, guess what? There are a lot of resources to help! There are also some universal tips, regardless of whatever method you decide to use.
If you’re a Florida resident, check out what the Florida Quitline has to offer
Tips to Help Quit Smoking: Getting Started
The first thing to keep in mind is why you want to quit. For most people, knowing cigarettes are deadly and knowing the benefits of quitting aren’t enough. The consequences aren’t staring us in the face, so death isn’t a big motivator for most.
For me, I’d gotten to the point where I was waking up in the middle of the night because of the smell of cigarettes on my clothes and hands. I was essentially disgusted beyond justification. I couldn’t keep smoking. I kept all that in mind as one of many small motivators for quitting.
Tips to Help Quite Smoking: The Announcement
Another tip to help quit smoking is that you don’t have to quit alone! Now, that doesn’t mean you have to recruit others to quit with you, but let people know you’re quitting. If you try to do it without letting anyone know, it’ll be that much easier to quit quitting.
Remember, quitting smoking isn’t easy! You’ll want to start smoking again! Telling a roommate/significant other/family member/loved one that you’re quitting helps keep you accountable. It also reminds you why you wanted to quit in the first place.
Read more about accountability in sobriety
Tips to Help Quite Smoking: Managing Stress
Try to manage your stress levels in other ways. Giving up a vice like cigarettes is rough, not just because of the nicotine addiction, but because cigarettes are used in a myriad of ways to ease minor anxieties. You’re going to have to learn how to deal with these after quitting smoking. In a group setting and need a break? Go outside and smoke a cigarette. Fighting with someone you love? Go smoke a cigarette? Awake and breathing? Go smoke a cigarette.
Pulling out a pack of cigarettes and lighting one is an intensely reliable ritual. If you can find other ways to manage day-to-day stress, it’ll increase your chances exponentially.
Read how finding new hobbies can fill up free time
Tips to Help Quit Smoking: Don’t Give Up!
The very best tip to help you quit is that you shouldn’t give up if you slip. Keep trying. Not smoking is a process and you don’t have to give up if you don’t do it perfectly. Doing other simple things, like eating well and exercising, can help as you’re quitting.
Reward yourself for small milestones. A day without a cigarette is a big deal, just like a week, or a month, or a year is a big deal. You can reward yourself for those accomplishments.
To get further help, visit the American Cancer Society’s website – there are a lot of tools to help.
by Sally Rosa | May 27, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Katie Schipper
What is Sponsorship?
In twelve-step recovery programs, sponsorship is vital. A sponsor has a singular purpose – to take another alcoholic or addict through the twelve-steps so that that woman may in turn take others through the steps. Sponsorship began in AA before it even had a name. Sponsorship began when Bill W. wanted to drink and found a solution through sharing what he knew with another alcoholic who couldn’t stay sober on his own. That alcoholic was Dr. Bob.
Who Can Be a Sponsor?
Today, particularly in Delray Beach and the surrounding areas, the options for finding a sponsor are endless. There are different fellowships and different types of recovering addicts and alcoholics in each one. Finding a sponsor only seems intimidating until you actually do it. A sponsor is someone who knows how to help an addict when all other attempts have failed. A sponsor is someone who knows how to help an addict when family, friends, and significant others can’t. Sponsorship is a vital part of recovery.
Read about the dangers of resting on your laurels
How to Choose a Sponsor
So, how does someone go about finding a sponsor? You might have heard the phrase “find someone who has what you want” at meetings. This is a good starting point, but you might not know how to identify that person. You might not be totally sure what it is that you want. As a newly sober woman, you might have concerns about trusting another female. It’s in a newcomer’s best interest to set aside these fears and take the first leap of faith in recovery, choosing a sponsor in spite of fear.
Looking to connect with other women in sobriety?
Suggestions on Sponsorship
While choosing a sponsor is as informal as anything else in AA, there are a few simple suggestions offered by those familiar with twelve-step fellowship.
The first is to find someone with experience. For some, this might mean someone who has at least a year between herself and her last drink or drug. However, that’s not a requirement. It’s simply a guideline. After all, Bill W. started sponsoring Dr. Bob when he had six months.
You might want someone with multiple years or double digits.
A very basic rule of thumb is to find someone who has completed all twelve of her steps, with a sponsor of her own.
Another basic suggestion is to find a sponsor who herself has a sponsor, someone who’s an active member of the fellowship. Those active in recovery seem to have an idea of how to help addicts and alcoholics.
Another suggestion for finding a sponsor is to simply ask someone with whom you feel compatible.
It’s also suggested that newcomers look for someone who seems to be enjoying her sobriety.
Don’t just pick someone who looks good or sounds good in a meeting. Ask yourself, does your sponsor practice what she preaches? In recovery, action always speaks louder than words.
No two people sponsor in exactly the same way. What might be ideal for one woman could be disastrous for another. The willingness to believe that someone may be able to help is an incredible first step in recovery. Besides, the relationship between a sponsor and a sponsee is unlike any other. Don’t believe me? Go find out for yourself!
by Sally Rosa | Apr 28, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves
“A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.
We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up, which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.
Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.”
-A.A Big Book p.64
How Do You Do a Fourth Step?
Well, to get to the fourth step, you must have done the first three! Once we admit we have no control over alcohol, we can come to believe in a power greater than ourselves. Then, we can become willing to put our will and life (thoughts and actions) into that Higher Power’s hands. Then, and only then, are we ready to do Step Four.
There are a million ways to work a fourth step. Each sponsor does it differently. The important part is that we follow some basic guidelines.
First, there are three sections of the a fourth step: resentments, fears, and a sexual inventory. While thinking about and writing each section, we need to always to 100% truthful. That’s the hard part! It’s scary to write everything on a piece of paper. It’s even scarier to think about sharing this with another woman! It’s also necessary to overcome alcoholism and addiction.
What Does a Fourth Step Look Like?
For the resentments section, we
- List all the people, places, or principles we have resentments towards (I’m resentful at…)
- List the cause of our resentment (what happened?, why am I resentful?)
- List how we were hurt or threatened in the following categories: self-esteem, pride, emotional security, finances, ambitions, personal relations, and sexual relations
- List how we played a part, using: selfishness, dishonesty, self-seeking, fear, and inconsideration
- List the exact and specific nature of our wrongs for each resentment
For the fears section, we
- List the people, places, and principals that we fear
- List why we are afraid
- List the parts of our lives which have failed us and resulted in our fears. We use the following categories: self-reliance, self-confidence, self-discipline, and self-will
- List the parts of ourselves that specific fears are affecting. We use the following categories: self-esteem, pride, emotional security, finical, ambitions, personal relations, and sexual relations
- Pray and begin to have faith in a Higher Power. We then pray for our Higher Power to help remove these fears
For the sexual inventory, we
- List all the people who we’ve had sexual and romantic relationships with
- List what happened and what we did
- List the exact nature of our wrongs, faults, mistakes, defects, and shortcomings. We use the following questions: Was I selfish? Was I dishonest? Was I inconsiderate? Was I self-seeking? Was this relationship selfish?
- List who exactly was harmed
- List what we should have done differently
What’s the Point of Step Four?
The Big Book says, “Resentment is the number one offender.” Through working a Fourth Step, we’re able to begin to let go of resentments. Now, losing resentments is a lifelong process, but a thorough fourth step is a great way to start!
Through working a fourth step, we’re able to examine ourselves objectively and honestly (with the help of our sponsor, of course!). We learn the roles we’ve played in our resentments, fears, and sexual conduct. Once we know where we’ve been wrong, we seek spiritual strength and a spiritual solution.
Does it work?
By discovering our emotional conflicts, dependences, displacements, disturbances, scars, complications, appeals, disorders, binges, balances, and insecurities, we’re able to fix them and change. Through change, we’re able to fully connect with a power greater than ourselves and grow in its likeness. Without willingness, courage, and honesty there’s little success for alcoholics like us.
Without Step Four, sobriety is impossible. We may remain dry from booze for periods of time, but we’re unable to live a happy and meaningful life. So, get off your a*s and start writing!
by Sally Rosa | Apr 14, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
What Does Resting On Your Laurels Even Mean?
That’s a good question! Resting on your laurels is when you’re so satisfied with your achievements that you stop growing. You stop making an attempt to grow in the image and likeness of God as you understand God.
Resting on your laurels is serious business! It happens to those new in recovery and those with time. Learning why resting on your laurels can lead to relapse is yet another step towards long-term sobriety.
Page Eighty-Five in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says
“It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. ‘How can I best serve Thee – Thy will (not mine) be done.’ These are thoughts, which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.”
Even AA admits that it’s easy to rest on our laurels! Remember though, sobriety is a marathon, not a sprint! Just because we rest on our laurels for a little while, doesn’t mean we can’t start working a spiritual program of action again. Wait a minute, just what is a spiritual program of action?
What is a Spiritual Program of Action?
This is different for everyone. Basically, as long as you have a Higher Power, which has been found through the twelve-steps, you’re good to go.
That last part is important. We must find our Higher Power through the twelve-steps. Once we’ve found that Higher Power, we need to continue to work steps ten, eleven, and twelve in our daily lives. We need to live in the solution!
To practice step ten, we need to write a personal inventory and reflect on our day. By doing this, we’re able to see where we were selfish and fearful. We’re able to see how our Higher Power can help us change those behaviors.
To practice step eleven, we need to pray and meditate on a daily basis. A simple way of thinking about prayer and meditation is that in prayer we’re talking to our Higher Power and in meditation we’re listening to it. Through practicing the eleventh step, we learn that nothing happens by accident!
To practice step ten, we need to carry the message and help others. That’s how we stay sober. Those of us who’ve finished the steps experience a spiritual awakening. At this point, our perceptions change. We see things in a way we never thought was possible. We’re able to start helping other women.
What Happens When You Rest on Your Laurels?
When you rest on your laurels things progressively get worse. That’s just how it goes. Eventually, you relapse. Because of how alcoholism works, you may be resting on your laurels and not even realize it!
There have been countless stories of alcoholics and what they did to get better. Usually, after a certain degree of success, we feel like we don’t need AA anymore, or that we’re okay where we’re at.
Even after graduating a women’s treatment center, even after completing the twelve-steps, us alcoholics CAN’T do this on our own. We must find a power greater than ourselves. Sober time doesn’t matter. As long as we stay spiritually fit, maintain what we learn through the steps, and continue to grow, we’re going to be okay. We’re going to live a meaningful, sober life.
It’s our choice whether we continue to grow or rest on our laurels. If we do rest on our laurels, we begin to fall back into a dry-drunk life, until we eventually drink. Them’s the facts, kiddos.
