by Sally Rosa | Dec 17, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Body Image / Eating Disorders
Is Being Skinny Everything?
You can’t turn on your TV, check your email, or go on Facebook and Instagram without being bombarded by the message that skinny is everything. In today’s world, we’re constantly, and I mean constantly, told that less pounds = more attention, self-confidence, and self-esteem.
Are these messages true, though? Does a smaller waistline really solve all our problems? It should come as no surprise that I think this is a bunch of baloney. Not only do I think it’s BS, but I think a lot of people agree with me
Is this hot?
To prove my point, and to set the record straight on what men and women really like, I interviewed my friends. I talked to guys and girls about what they find attractive. I even asked a couple of strangers their thoughts on skinny.
What they have to say may just surprise you!
What Men Find Attractive
I asked three guys I know, and one random stranger, what they find attractive. I also asked them why they think being skinny is perceived as so important.
J: I like women with self-confidence. Yeah looks are important obviously, but the way they carry themselves is more important. Like if I meet a girl and it’s obvious she’s insecure about herself, I’m less attracted to her. Or if she’s always asking if she looks hot, or if I’m attracted to her, I’m going to like her less. Is that messed up?
I think women put so much importance on being skinny because…it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. They’re told that there’s nothing more important than being skinny so much they believe it. Then being skinny is all they care about and they start spreading the “message” of skinny to other women. It’s a circle.
A: I think girls who look healthy are hot. It’s weird too, ‘cause girls can be skinny and healthy and large and healthy. For me it’s all about health. Maybe ‘cause I’m in the gym so much. I don’t know. If a girl’s ribs are poking out and it’s obvious she hasn’t eaten in like a week, I just don’t find that attractive.
Being skinny is important to women because it’s all they hear. Have you ever looked at the magazines next to the register at Publix? It’s “how to lose ten pounds,” or “do this to look good in a bikini.” Of course girls are going to want to be skinny ‘cause it’s all they know.
B: It’s kind of hard to say. I mean I definitely like skinny girls, but I like girls with a little meat on their bones too. Should I not say that? I like all kinds of girls is what I mean. Definitely though there are girls who are too skinny or weigh too much. I guess I like normal girls. Skinny, fat, whatever.
It’s definitely society’s fault girls think being skinny is so important. There are entire channels, sites, Facebook groups, whatever, just dedicated to how to lose weight. That seems kind of messed up.
Stranger: I like women who are a bit bigger. You know how supermodels look like toothpicks? I’m just not into that. It’s fine if women want to try and be that, but it’s just not my thing.
I think women make being skinny the most important thing because of society and culture. That skinny supermodel look is all you see everywhere. That’s what girls see when they’re young and that’s what they grow up believing. It’s pretty sick actually. It’s like that for guys too. Not in the same extreme way, but it exists.
What Women Find Attractive
I asked two women, and another stranger(!), the same questions.
H:Being skinny is attractive for sure, but so is being large or bigger or whatever you want to call it. Being healthy is attractive and you can be healthy when you’re skinny or when you’re big. Most men and women think skinny is hotter than being normal sized or bigger and I guess that’s true a lot of the time, but not always.
It’s definitely about how the media portrays women. It pisses me off whenever I think about it and I think about it a lot. Seriously go on any site and the models never look like me. Not that I think I’m fat but I’m not model skinny. Go to Forever 21 right now on your phone. What do you see?
C: Skinny is definitely attractive. It just looks good. I feel better when I’m skinnier. I have that confidence, guys look at me more, and like I know it’s messed up, but that’s just how it is. You don’t have to be skinny to be hot but it definitely helps.
I don’t know really why being skinny is so important. Probably it has to do with how I was raised. It’s probably like that for a lot of girls. My mom would tell to watch my weight or boys wouldn’t like me. And look at TV. Aside from Kim [Kardashian] there’s like no big women. Jennifer Lawrence always says how fat she is, but that’s not true. She’s pretty normal.
Stranger: I feel more attractive when I’m skinny, but I don’t know how much guys like that. I dated a guy who always told me to gain weight [laughs]. That was a weird relationship. But yeah, being skinny is important to me. It’s important to every woman. Think about it, no one tells you to be fat but they always tell you to be skinny.
It’s our culture that makes being skinny so important. Like what I said a minute ago, people are always telling you to lose weight. It doesn’t matter how little you weigh, you’re always persuaded to weigh less. It’s on TV, movies, the internet, social media…everywhere. If we can change that then being skinny probably wouldn’t be important to so many women.
by Fiona Stockard | Dec 12, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Fiona Stockard
The Big Book Broken Down – Part Fifteen
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other to recover from alcohol and drug addiction. It was founded in June of 1935, just celebrated its seventy-ninth anniversary, and boasts over two million members.
AA’s central text is the Big Book. With a sponsor and a Big Book, AA members work the twelve steps, and “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (title page).
Today, I’ll be finishing the chapter Working With Others.
Working With Others
Picking up from last week, Working With Others goes on to offer advice on how we can act when we’re someplace where people are drinking. It says, “Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring to it” (p. 102).
The idea of contributing to an occasion, rather than simply trying to have a good time, touches upon a central theme of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was a taker my entire life. I was selfish to the extreme. After getting sober, it was time for me to start giving!
Say I’m at a friend’s birthday party. People are drinking and having a good time. I can have a good time and try my best to make the birthday gal have an even better time!
In fact, Working With Others says as much. The chapter reads, “If it is a happy occasion, try to increase the pleasure of those there; if a business occasion, go and attend to your business enthusiastically” (p. 102).
Sounds simple. Of course, like most of AA’s principles, it’s much easier said than done! After all, it takes time to break habits we’ve had for years or decades.
The chapter then goes on to talk about how we interact with “normies.” It advises us not to infringe upon our nonalcoholic friends’ right to drink. It says, “Let your friends know they are not to change their habits on your account” (p. 102).
It would be pretty selfish of us to impose on someone who wants to drink (who doesn’t have a problem with booze). Remember, we’re trying to get rid of this selfishness! We’re growing as women from selfish to selfless.
What about keeping booze in our house, though? Maybe we have a boyfriend or husband who likes a beer with dinner. Maybe we live with our parents and they like a cocktail before bed. What do we do?
Once again, the Big Book has us covered! Working With Others says,
“Many of us keep liquor in our homes…some of us still serve it to our friends provided they are not alcoholic…we feel that each family, in the light of their own circumstances, ought to decide for themselves” (pp. 102-103).
Thanks AA! You have an answer to every question that crosses my mind! This chapter ends with two key ideas. First it advises us recovering alcoholics to avoid prejudice. It says, “We are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution” (p. 103).
Sounds good to me. There’s no reason for me, as a sober woman of grace and dignity, to hate on people who drink. Of course, if someone is struggling with alcoholism or addiction, I’ll be quick to share my story with them.
Working With Others ends with a quote I hear repeated often in the rooms of recovery. It goes a little something like,
“After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to!” (p. 103).
Sounds about right to me!
by A Women in Sobriety | Dec 9, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Do I Say Addict or Alcoholic?
It’s the oldest question around! Do I identify myself as an addict or an alcoholic?
I’ve been asking myself this since I was first introduced to the rooms of twelve-step recovery. That was back in the dark ages of the mid 2000’s. My family thought I needed help and sent me to an IOP program. The IOP, in turn, sent me to rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.
So, I went to a few NA meetings. I was thoroughly confused by what I heard there. I did learn a few important things, though. I learned I probably do have a problem with drugs and alcohol. I learned I used drugs to fill a void.
I also learned to call myself an addict. The one thing I didn’t learn was how to stop drugging and drinking. Spoiler alert, I didn’t learn how to stop because I didn’t want to.
Fast forward a few years and I was introduced to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was in a residential treatment center and they took us to AA meetings every night. When I raised my hand to share and said “My name’s Fiona and I’m an addict,” well, let’s just say I caught an earful.
I was told I was disrupting the meeting. I was told to call myself an alcoholic. I was told to respect the house I was in.
Respect the House You’re In
Since that fateful meeting, I’ve heard this slogan repeated a lot. Respect the house you’re in. What exactly does it mean though?
Well, it means exactly what it sounds like! I should identify myself according to the fellowship I’m attending. If I’m in NA, I call myself an addict. If I’m in AA, I call myself an alcoholic. If I’m in CA, I call myself a cocaine addict. If I’m in EDA I say I’m recovering from an eating disorder.
It’s pretty simple actually! See, I suffer from a disease of complication. I can take the simplest concept and twist it up in my head to be something completely different. Part of sobriety, for me, is to keep thing simple. In fact, one of my favorite recovery sayings is Keep it Simple!
But I Never Had a Problem with Alcohol!
I hear this all the time in meetings. I hear women refuse to identify themselves as alcoholics because they never drank. I hear women refuse to identify themselves as addicts because they never did drugs.
While that makes sense in theory, in practice it’s quite different. Being an addict or alcohol has nothing to do with what substance we did or didn’t use. It has to do with our thinking.
In both AA and NA literature, the disease is called “a disease of thinking and relationships.” See, I’m an addict and alcoholic because I have a mental obsession with drugging and drinking. I’m an addict and alcoholic because I’m unable to form true partnerships with other people.
Until I have a spiritual awakening. Once that happens, my thinking returns to (mostly) normal. I’m able to be selfless instead of selfish. Thank God for that!
What If Say Alcoholic/Addict?
I’ve heard this one a lot, too. I’ll be sitting in a meeting and someone says, “My name’s So and So and I’m an addict and alcoholic.”
There’s nothing really wrong with this. I still feel like we, as women in recovery, should respect the house we’re in, though. It seems disrespectful, in my opinion, to add an unnecessary qualifier.
What do you think? Let us know in the comments!
by Fiona Stockard | Dec 5, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Fiona Stockard
The Big Book Broken Down – Part Fourteen
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other to recover from alcohol and drug addiction. It was founded in June of 1935, just celebrated its seventy-ninth anniversary, and boasts over two million members.
AA’s central text is the Big Book. With a sponsor and a Big Book, AA members work the twelve steps, and “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (title page).
Today, I’ll be breaking down a section of the chapter Working With Others.
Working With Others
These final few pages of Working With Others start off with a bang! Have you ever been told to avoid drugs and booze at all costs? Well, A.A. doesn’t think you have to do this! They say,
“Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn’t think or be reminded about alcohol at all” (pp. 100-101).
Okay, sounds pretty standard, right? Wrong. The next sentence goes a little something like this – “Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so…we meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind…” (p 101).
We recover from alcoholism. Now, don’t get me wrong, we’re always going to be an alcoholics. We can never safely drink. Them’s the facts, honey. We do recover from the spiritual malady and the mental obsession, though. Our minds and souls heal!
Working With Others echoes this very idea. It reads,
“In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcohol tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever…These attempts to do the impossible have always failed” (p. 101).
We work the steps and have a spiritual experience. We recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. And then, we can go anywhere in the world. We can eat at bars. We can see concerts in clubs. We can do anything!
Now, it’s important to note that just because we can go to bars, doesn’t mean we always should. The Big Book says, “So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there” (p. 101).
Of course, the problem with that is constitutes a legitimate reason? Fear not, ladies! Once again, the Big Book has us covered. It goes on to read,
“Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, ‘Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places’” (pp. 101-102).
If you can answer yes to that question, then by all means go to a bar or club. If you’re only looking to get a thrill from being around booze, though, stay away. Remember, hanging out with a cute guy isn’t always a good reason!
Tune in next week for the conclusion of Working With Others!
by Sally Rosa | Dec 3, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Alcoholics Anonymous: The Early Days
Alcoholics Anonymous began on the first day of Dr. Bob’s sobriety – June 10th, 1935.
Several years later, 1939 to be exact, the book Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism was published. This volume has come to be affectionately called the Big Book.
In the almost eighty years since A.A.’s founding, it’s helped millions of people recover and spawned countless other fellowships. Today, a woman trying to get sober has her pick of fellowships, meetings, and sponsors. It wasn’t always like that.
I’m not so sure the explosive growth of twelve-step based recovery is such a good thing. Let me be clear, I’m beyond grateful for this program. When I think of all the lives A.A., and other twelve-step fellowships, have touched, my mind boggles.
Still, a lot has changed since Bill and Dr. Bob set out to help other alcoholics. Sponsorship, and in a larger sense recovery, isn’t treated the same.
Success Rates from the Early Days
The second edition of the Big Book contains a forward. Published in 1955, it reads “Of alcoholics who came to AA and really tried, 50% got sober at once and remained that way; 25% sobered up after some relapses, and among the remainder, those who stayed on with AA showed improvement” (The Big Book, page XX).
50%, or 75% depending on how you look at it, isn’t too shabby! Imagine if half to three quarters of those walking through the doors of AA today got sober!
So, why’d rates of recovery drop from those lofty numbers to today’s approximate 1%? More importantly, how do we get back to these astounding numbers of recovery?
Well, it could have something to do with sponsorship.
Sponsorship from the Early Days
“Though three hundred thousand have recovered in the last twenty-five years, maybe half a million more have walked into our midst, and then out again. We can’t well content ourselves with the view that all these recovery failures were entirely the fault of the newcomers themselves. Perhaps a great many didn’t receive the kind and amount of sponsorship they so sorely needed. We didn’t communicate when we might have done so. So we AA’s failed them.”
–Bill W., excerpted from a 1961 volume of the Grapevine
During the 1930’s, 40’s, and 50’s, a different type of sponsorship was practiced. First, there was co-sponsorship. Before we get into that, though, let’s discuss God centered sponsorship.
God Centered Sponsorship
This is the idea that rather than running to your sponsor with any and all problems, you take them to God.
Remember, nowhere in the Big Book does it say we should rely too much on our sponsor. In fact, nowhere in the Big Book does it mention a sponsor at all. This idea will be explored in detail later.
Anyway, God centered sponsorship is simple. We pick a sponsor, a woman who’s been through all twelve of the steps. We work through them with her. Then, instead of besieging her every time something bad happens, we pray and meditate over it.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s vitally important to communicate with your sponsor. Hell, I call mine four or five times a week. Still, I don’t bring my problems to her (unless, of course, it’s a problem she’s had personal experience with).
I bring my problems to God. I pray to God, letting her (yep, my God is a woman!) know what’s going on. Then I meditate, listening for an answer. Often, God speaks to me through other women. For example, if I have a problem with money, I’m going to call my friends who’re good with money. That’s God speaking to me.
Want to know something funny? Often, after meditating on a problem or issue, I’ll call my sponsor about it. That’s another perfect example of God speaking to me through other women.
I think it’s important here to point out the difference between practicing God centered sponsorship and simply being lazy. Being lazy is not working steps, not communicating with your sponsor, and not living life on spiritual principals. God centered sponsorship is working steps and then communicating with your sponsor as needed rather than 1,000 times each day.
Co-Sponsorship
If God centered sponsorship sounds radical (and I hope it doesn’t!) then co-sponsorship is going to sound crazy! This is the idea that the sponsor should take her current sponsee with her to meet other newcomers.
Okay, that sounds kind of confusing, right? I had to read it twice and I’m still not sure what I wrote. Thankfully, Clarence S., an old-timer, had a much simpler explanation. He wrote,
“Additional information for sponsoring a new [wo]man can be obtained from the experience of older [wo]men in the work. A co-sponsor, with an experienced and newer member working on a prospect, has proven very satisfactory. Before undertaking the responsibility of sponsoring, a member should make certain that [s]he is able and prepared to give the time, effort, and thought such an obligation entails. It might be that [s]he will want to select a co-sponsor to share the responsibility, or [s]he might feel it necessary to ask another to assume the responsibility for the [wo]man he has located.”
–Clarence S., excerpted from a 1944 pamphlet on sponsorship
Leaving out the use of male pronouns (seriously, were no women getting sober back then?!), that makes a lot of sense. I cringe when I think of how I sponsored my first newcomer. I didn’t send her to God at all!
If my sponsor had been there, guiding us both, maybe things would have turned out differently. Or maybe not, who knows? God works in mysterious ways, my friends!
Could These Techniques Lead to More Women Recovering?
Ultimately, I don’t know! I think there are a lot of benefits to things like God centered sponsorship and co-sponsorship.
I think there are also other beneficial tactics women with time can take to help newcomers. For example, why make a sponsee call us? Shouldn’t we be calling them? Isn’t that how Bill found Dr. Bob in the first place?
So, will this sort of proactive, in-depth sponsorship help newcomers? There’s only one way to find out! I’ll see you out there in the trenches, ladies!
