by Sally Rosa | Jul 3, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Written By: Katie Schipper
Staying Clean But Living Dirty
Trying to stay clean while living a dishonest life isn’t easy. It’s possible, but not easy at all. Not many people can do it. If you’re in a twelve-step fellowship, you may watch it happen. Usually, when someone’s sober while living dirty, it’s because she’s in a pretty intense state of denial about how she’s really living.
The reason it’s so hard to stay clean and live dirty isn’t complicated. You’re in a program that preaches honesty at every turn. Meanwhile, you’re living a lifestyle that requires lying! These opposites can’t work together for very long. The truth is that sometimes it takes time, a lot of time, for a woman to realize she’s lying to herself. It happens as a process and with support.
What about working a job that, at its core, is based on lying, misleading, or dishonesty?
Justifying Dishonesty
A couple of things come up right away when talking about dishonest jobs. There’s the idea that if enough people do it, as a group, they can convince themselves that it isn’t that bad, or that they aren’t at fault because they’re just doing their job. There’s always, ALWAYS, a justification for being dishonest. If people couldn’t justify living a lie, it wouldn’t be so easy to do at first. Dishonest jobs may also come with perks that make the lie seem like less of an issue. Maybe a dishonest job pays better or has better hours. It might have outcomes that are desirable and make your life easier. But at what cost?
Whatever treatment center for women you go to, one of the first things you learn (and hear over and over and over…and over) is how crucial honesty is to recovery. You hear how this means honesty in every area of your life. Once again, that doesn’t mean every lie you’ve ever told is suddenly going to come to light. Remember, denial is the foundation of addicts’ lives. Hey, we’re so good at denial that sometimes our lies feel like the truth! That’s why it’s so important in early-recovery to find people (like a sponsor and a support network) that help you tell the true from the false.
Making Choices and Sacrifices
The truth about having a dishonest job in sobriety, and being aware of that dishonesty, is that eventually it’ll catch up to you. This might take the form of a spiritual crisis, like a return to self-loathing. It might be an eventual loss of what having a dishonest job got you in the first place. It might be a relapse.
Dishonesty and losing the willingness to confront challenges is usually a stepping stones to deciding that getting high or drunk is a good idea. No one is perfect and no one is asking us to be perfect. The idea is to gather enough willingness and awareness that we can look at something (like a job opportunity) and reasonably decide whether it’s moral, honest, and worthwhile.
To put it another way – it’s better to make eight bucks an hour as a grocery checkout person, than to have a baller job with lots of cash at the price of sacrificing your integrity. Know why? Because there absolutely are things that money can’t buy.
by Sally Rosa | Jul 2, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Written By: Katie Schipper
Privacy vs. Secrecy & How They Relate To Honesty
The Importance of Honesty
Honesty, Open Mindedness, and Willingness – if you’re in any sort of twelve-step recovery, you’ll hear about these virtues over and over. All three are vital, but honesty in particular presents many road bumps to the addict or alcoholic.
The most obvious and undeniable fact about addiction is that in order to maintain the lifestyle of a junkie or boozehound, we have to be in a perpetual state of denial. Denial is the ultimate act of lying to ourselves. So, right off the bat, honesty is a virtue that throws some curveballs.
If a woman in early-recovery is willing to be honest, it doesn’t so much matter whether she’s actually honest. As long as her intention is to be honest, she’s on the right track. To put it another way, when she’s first getting sober, the woman in early-recovery is still going to be in enough denial to not even recognize that she’s still lying to herself and others, but if her aim is to practice honesty, then in time, and with help, the practice of honesty will grow and progress. In order to become willing, she must first distinguish the differences between privacy and secrecy.
Read about the importance of accountability
Privacy Or Secrecy – Which One Keeps Us Sick?
With that mouthful about honesty being said, there’s another big concept in recovery we need to look at – the idea that secrets keep us sick. This concept, coupled with the necessity of honesty on the spiritual plane, stirs up a whole debate on secrecy vs. privacy.
For a group of people who’re notoriously secretive, always to our own detriment and demise, what does privacy even mean? In a program that demands “rigorous honesty,” are we expected to share all the details of our private life? How far do we take the spiritual inventory that we do during our fourth and fifth steps?
Read more about the Fourth Step
Being Open to Truth and Honesty
The difference between privacy and secrecy is often subtle and sometimes blurred. The problem of distinguishing the two is that intention plays as much of a role as the actual practice of being honest.
To give an example, imagine a woman in early recovery (or any point in her recovery) who goes to the store and decides to steal lipstick. She may do this for a variety of reasons, but ultimately she knows and understands that stealing is wrong. At this point, she can go two ways. She can keep this secret out of shame. She can hold on to it, believing that in keeping the secret she’s minimizing the act of stealing and therefore doing herself a favor. Or she can, knowing from past experiences that keeping things like this hidden leads to worse shame and secrecy, share what she did with someone. Maybe she’ll tell multiple people. Maybe she’ll bring the lipstick back.
The key lies not in who, or how, she tells, but rather in the fact that she’s willing to achieve truth and honesty over secrecy. By this line of thinking, privacy is how the woman recognizes what she did is wrong, but not shameful, unless it’s left to fester in some corner of her mind. This is the same corner where everything she believes she shouldn’t have done goes to rot.
Secrecy, on the other hand, is the belief that we can do things that are so shameful that we must, at all costs, keep them to ourselves.
When looking at privacy vs. secrecy, we see that privacy is the recognition that we have a right to a personal life, but that there’s no shame in our actions. Privacy is when we’re willing to fully accept who we are, in all areas, without feeling compelled to hide some part of ourself. We might not talk about our battles with depression and anxiety to everyone we meet. Most likely, we aren’t going to broadcast our sex life or relationships everywhere (unless you’re a special breed of Facebook over-sharer!), but knowing that none of this carries any shame allows us to live a private life without the mask of secrecy.
by Sally Rosa | Jun 30, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Articles are the sole work of the individual author and do not express the opinion of Sobriety for Women
You Want Me to What?!
I came to a halt at step three. “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood Him.” Sounds like a bunch of bulls**t to me. Now, I’m not saying those who have a god of their understanding are bulls**t, so just hear me out.
Some of us grow up with our family’s conception of god. Some of us find our own. Some of us just simply don’t have one. Can we get sober without finding god? Why do we get so hung up on such a small part of the program?
Many questions, from all different types of people, may arise at this point.
The traumatized adolescents – “If god was real, he’d have never let those horrible things happen to me.”
The smarty pants scientists – “I prefer the theories of evolution.”
The Catholic school survivors – “The priests at my school touched my little brother!”
The metal heads – “If my favorite band, Slayer, is anti-god, than so am I!”
The logical thinkers – “Seeing is believing.”
Here’s the scapegoat us addicts have been searching for. Once we see the word “god” in step three, we run for the hills. We just assume the program isn’t going to work. We finally have an excuse to say f**k it (not like we ever really needed an excuse). Well, you don’t have to run anymore because sobriety is possible for all.
Atheists and Agnostics Can Get Sober Too
The program can work for anyone who actually has a little self-will. This s**t is not rocket science. If you don’t want to stop, you’re not going to stop. Plain and simple. Nothing is going to just miraculously push you into recovery if you honestly don’t believe you have a problem with drugs and alcohol. Believing you have a problem with drugs and alcohol is more important to getting sober then believing in a god. If you want to stop, but don’t believe in god, it’s going to be tough, but possible.
The AA Big Book actually has a chapter dedicated to people who don’t believe in god. You can’t pray away an illness, but having the faith that everything will be okay certainly does ease the mind of some people. You’re not doomed to an alcoholic death just because you don’t devote your life to a religion.
As for all you bible-thumping, god-nazis who think you have some sort or minor in grammar, you’re probably critiquing my usage of a lowercase “g” in the word god. Just a quick clarification to avoid dumb comments about it (that I probably won’t read anyway) – I’m using a lowercase “g” because god isn’t a proper noun. Unless “God” is the actual name of your god, it’s lower case. It’s funny because I bet you googled it rather then having “faith” in my facts. Yet most of you have faith that there’s a man who lives in the sky, who built the world in seven days and took your addiction away. Makes a lot of sense. Now, moving on…
I Have A Problem
A few things bother me about the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings I’ve attended. Anniversary night, the celebration of yearly milestones of one’s sobriety, the same things gets repeated and I can’t f**king stand them!
People get up to make their Academy Award speech and always say “This wouldn’t have been possible without god.” That immediately makes me ask myself, “if you didn’t have a god then you wouldn’t have gotten sober? What kind of message is that sending to our newcomers?” Why are there even twelve-steps if the above statement is true. Why not just go to a church and get cured?
I feel like people don’t even know what they’re saying anymore. They’ve just heard the same regurgitated s**t over and over again. They think it’s what we want to hear, so they say it, but I see right through all that nonsense. I know for damn sure god didn’t get me sober. I believe I did a lot more work then god did, when it comes to me and my sobriety. Guess what else? I’m a very spiritual person. It took me a while to find my own conception of a higher power, but the work I put into my recovery is what ultimately saved my life.
I’ve also heard people say, “I had nothing to do with this, it was all god.” Really? You had NOTHING to do with it? Are you that f**king ignorant to truly credit all your hard work to god? I think back to my personal sobriety and god played a very small role in my life. Yet, we have these narrow-minded people telling all our newcomers that god did the hard work. They then b***h at their sponsees for not getting involved or for not doing step-work. In their minds, god’s going to take care of it all and cure them, because that’s what they heard some moron say in a meeting. That is, if they stick around long after they hear the word god.
Yes, I understand faith without works is dead. Let me tell you, you can work without faith, my friend, because at the end of the day the task gets done. Another thing I despise in the rooms is the Lord’s Prayer at the end of meetings. We preach day-in and day-out about how this is a spiritual not religious program, yet we’re reciting a Catholic prayer at the end? I refused to say it the first nine months of my sobriety because I was tortured in Catholic school my whole life. There was no way in hell I was going to utter blasphemous words against my will again. I don’t support organized religion and I shouldn’t be made to say religious prayers at a meeting that has nothing to do with religion.
Credit Where Credit’s Due
I do believe that god has done a lot of good for people. I do believe god has inspired many. God has done a lot for me. I pray often and give thanks to my higher power, but should we really be giving god ALL the credit?
Addicts already struggle with self-confidence and when they accomplish something as big as staying sober for a year, they have to hand over success to an invisible being? Have a little faith in yourself, people. After all, you did most of the work. Maybe this isn’t the case for some people, but I feel like if I took the god steps out of my sobriety, I’d still have been able to get sober. It’s not right that we tell people you can’t move on to step four (the important work) without finding god in step three. If someone gets discouraged from not having a god, or because of resentments against god, and they turn back to a drink or drug, we’re robbing them of a beautiful life.
Own your sobriety! You did it. You came this far. You worked hard for it. You made changes. You mended relationships. You’re self aware. You’re f**king awesome for all that! Take credit for it! Don’t downplay your hard work because you heard someone say a corny line like “If you didn’t drink today, thank your higher power because you had nothing to do with it.” Guess what? You had a lot to do with it.
by Fiona Stockard | Jun 25, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Written By: Katie Schipper
Getting Over Depression and Anxiety in Early-Recovery
Giving up drugs and alcohol alters our brain chemistry. After all, drugs and booze serve as substitute chemicals, so the brain stops producing its natural ones. It’s going to take a little while for the brain to catch up.
If you go to treatment, there’s a good chance you’ll be put on an anti-depressant of some kind. For a lot of people, medication is a necessary part of recovery. Medication can be lifesaving. Depression and anxiety are often signs of substance abuse, as well as sources. What other tools are there to help ease depression and anxiety?
Exercise Can Ease Pain and Discomfort
Regular exercise is an often overlooked tool for recovery. It’s consistently proven to improve the work of medication, or to work in cases where medication isn’t necessary.
One of the pitfalls of early-sobriety is turning to other outlets in a desperate attempt to ease some of the pain and discomfort of being newly sober. If these outlets were healthy, it wouldn’t be a pitfall. Unfortunately, they usually take the form of co-dependent relationships, food, or other cross-addictions. The problem with these things is that, while they initially appear to be okay, in the longterm they cause harm in much the same way actively drinking and drugging does.
This is where healthy alternatives come into play and make no mistake, there are a lot of healthy alternatives. Exercise is only one of a laundry list. There’s also: new hobbies, meditation, seeking outside help and therapy, building new friendships, and so on. Exercise comes up first on so many lists because its benefits go beyond simply filling time.
Read about how some women get tattoos to deal with depression
Warding off Heath Problems from Addiction
Physically exercise prevents and cures a slew of health problems. It helps keep an increasingly unhealthy population away from heart disease and other preventable illnesses. For the alcoholic and addict in early-recovery, the most incredible benefit of exercise is its use as a natural anxiolytic and antidepressant. It’s important to remember that exercise can be used on its own or in addition to medication. If you take antidepressants, it’s not a good idea to quit without first consulting your doctor.
Is sex a healthy form of exercise?
Release the Endorphins!
On a medical level, exercise releases neurotransmitters and endorphins that are responsible for feeling good. Exercise can also reduce those chemicals responsible for depression. Socially, exercise can change how someone sees themselves. Anything that helps build self-esteem in early-sobriety is a huge plus!
Now, you don’t have to join a gym, start running marathons, or anything crazy. Exercise is as simple as going for a bike ride or walk. It can also become a lifelong hobby or passion, like doing yoga or taking up a sport. The great thing about finding an outlet which involves other people is that it helps ease some of the isolation that accompanies early-sobriety (and absolutely accompanies depression).
Regardless of brain chemistry or scientific research, exercise is a commonsense good idea! The evidence is clear for any woman who attempts to add exercise to her life. It changes energy levels, increases confidence, and the longer someone has an exercise routine, the more benefits manifest themselves. It’s an amazing, and often untapped, tool of early recovery.
by Fiona Stockard | Jun 23, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Katie Schipper
Busting the Myths of Quitting Tobacco in Early-Sobriety
Giving up drugs and alcohol is hard. If it were easy, then we wouldn’t need treatment, and twelve-step fellowships, and therapy, and IOP, and so on. Getting sober is really hard. Giving up tobacco in the midst of giving up drugs and alcohol can sound absolutely psychotic. Trust me, it isn’t.
There’s no evidence that supports the folklore that smoking cigarettes will help you stay sober or that giving up cigarettes is harder in early-sobriety than at other times. In support groups or addiction treatment centers, it might seem like everyone is smoking. Remember, this isn’t true! Besides, it’s going to be hard no matter when you decide to quit. So, if you want to quit smoking, guess what? There are a lot of resources to help! There are also some universal tips, regardless of whatever method you decide to use.
If you’re a Florida resident, check out what the Florida Quitline has to offer
Tips to Help Quit Smoking: Getting Started
The first thing to keep in mind is why you want to quit. For most people, knowing cigarettes are deadly and knowing the benefits of quitting aren’t enough. The consequences aren’t staring us in the face, so death isn’t a big motivator for most.
For me, I’d gotten to the point where I was waking up in the middle of the night because of the smell of cigarettes on my clothes and hands. I was essentially disgusted beyond justification. I couldn’t keep smoking. I kept all that in mind as one of many small motivators for quitting.
Tips to Help Quite Smoking: The Announcement
Another tip to help quit smoking is that you don’t have to quit alone! Now, that doesn’t mean you have to recruit others to quit with you, but let people know you’re quitting. If you try to do it without letting anyone know, it’ll be that much easier to quit quitting.
Remember, quitting smoking isn’t easy! You’ll want to start smoking again! Telling a roommate/significant other/family member/loved one that you’re quitting helps keep you accountable. It also reminds you why you wanted to quit in the first place.
Read more about accountability in sobriety
Tips to Help Quite Smoking: Managing Stress
Try to manage your stress levels in other ways. Giving up a vice like cigarettes is rough, not just because of the nicotine addiction, but because cigarettes are used in a myriad of ways to ease minor anxieties. You’re going to have to learn how to deal with these after quitting smoking. In a group setting and need a break? Go outside and smoke a cigarette. Fighting with someone you love? Go smoke a cigarette? Awake and breathing? Go smoke a cigarette.
Pulling out a pack of cigarettes and lighting one is an intensely reliable ritual. If you can find other ways to manage day-to-day stress, it’ll increase your chances exponentially.
Read how finding new hobbies can fill up free time
Tips to Help Quit Smoking: Don’t Give Up!
The very best tip to help you quit is that you shouldn’t give up if you slip. Keep trying. Not smoking is a process and you don’t have to give up if you don’t do it perfectly. Doing other simple things, like eating well and exercising, can help as you’re quitting.
Reward yourself for small milestones. A day without a cigarette is a big deal, just like a week, or a month, or a year is a big deal. You can reward yourself for those accomplishments.
To get further help, visit the American Cancer Society’s website – there are a lot of tools to help.
