by Fiona Stockard | Jun 2, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
We Didn’t Start the Fire!
Welcome back to Halfway House Chronicles: One Woman’s Story of Early-Sobriety. I hope you liked the first one, ‘cause I have lots more where that came from!
When I was coming up with my list of which interesting experiences to write about, I kept coming back to the idea that they should be more than funny stories. I mean, fun and games are good…but where’s the value? Where’s the spiritual lesson in telling humorous stories about early-recovery?
With that in mind, all Halfway House Chronicles are going to have some sort of lesson attached to them. They’ll have some nugget of wisdom I’ve distilled from my (somewhat crazy) early-sobriety antics.
Today, I’d like to share with you all about the time I lit a fire in my sober living house and end with a reflection on God-centered thinking. Sounds like a jump, right? Then read on!
Okay, Maybe We DID Start the Fire…
I was living in the same halfway house I talked about last time. My roommates who were secretly getting high had been kicked out. I got a new roommate who I loved and, more importantly, who was working to better herself spiritually.
We’d go to meetings together, discuss the Big Book together, do yoga together, meditate together, and talk to boys together. In short, we were inseparable and not always for the best reasons!
One day, we were hanging out on the other side of our halfway house “complex” (the house was actually a bunch of apartments in a large complex). We were smoking cigarettes and talking to two boys who were up on their porch.
They started throwing little bits of gravel at us, so, of course, we threw our cigarettes up at them. Makes sense, right? Oh the strange logic of early-sobriety!
Anyway, one of our cigarettes must have fallen from their porch to the bushes in front of us ‘cause, within a minute or two, we noticed A LOT of smoke coming from the bush. We’d accidently lit it on fire!
this is what the fire looked like in my head!
I started freaking out and yelling about how we were going to get kicked out (I probably should have been yelling about how we could have burned the place down). Thankfully, my roommate was more levelheaded. She ran up into the boys’ apartment, grabbed a bucket of water, and dumped it on the bush.
That got rid of the fire and the immediate emergency. At our house meeting a few days later, my roommate and I got called out for going into the boys’ apartment. Apparently someone had seen my roommate run into their house to get water!
I was furious because a) I hadn’t gone into their apartment and b) my roommate only did it to extinguish the fire! I tried explaining that to the owner and house managers. Of course, they weren’t very understanding. They didn’t kick us out, but we were now on thin ice.
And they were right! One of the house managers, the same one who’d given me such good advice when I called her about my old roommates using, took me aside and gave me some MORE advice I still remember to this day.
A Lesson in Humility & God
Here’s where the lesson I was talking about earlier enters the picture (told you we’d get there!). This woman, who I now think was an angel sent into my life to help me during early-recovery, told me a few things.
First, she pointed out that my roommate and myself wouldn’t have had to get water to extinguish the fire if we hadn’t been at the boys’ apartment in the first place. Okay, that’s pretty obvious right? It hit me like a ton of bricks!
She explained that I was looking for attention and outside validation, which is normal for an alcoholic, when I should have been looking to strengthen my relationship with God.
She sat down with me (ironically right in front of where we’d started the fire!) and explained the difference between God-centered thinking and selfish thinking. God-centered thinking, she said, was when someone prayed and meditated and thought of how they could help people.
Selfish thinking, on the other hand, was what most alcoholics were used to. It was thinking about only ourselves and how to get what we want.
She then explained that although I was upset over this whole situation (and on early-curfew!), I could use it as a source of humility and a way to start practicing God-centered thinking. She told me that us alcoholics don’t learn things easily, that we have to bang out heads on the wall a few times to learn a simple lesson.
I can fortunately say I took her advice. I began to pray and meditate more seriously. I began to practice God-centered thinking AND living. Guess what? I haven’t started a fire since! That, my friends, is a miracle!
by Sally Rosa | May 28, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
It’s Hard Out Here for a Girl!
Getting sober is harder for women than it is for men. Can I get an amen? Or can I get an awomen!
I say that and stand behind it 100%. Don’t believe me? That’s fine. I’m here to change your mind. I’m here to shift your opinion from point A to point B.
Isn’t that what recovery is all about? Changing our thinking (and actions and behaviors)? So, there’s no long windup here. Let’s get to the facts. Without further ado, find the top five reasons getting sober is harder for women than men.
5) It’s Hard to Trust Other Women
Like the rest of this list, this shouldn’t be the case…but it is! When I got sober, I hated spending time with women. I viewed them as catty, shallow, and always ready to stab me in the back. I was proud to call myself one of the boys.
Of course, it turns out that was just my sick thinking. I made my home group a women’s meeting. I started reaching out to, and spending time with, sober women. I got to see what recovery and sobriety were really about.
These things changed my mind. Today, I’m proud to call myself one of the girls!
4) Dealing with Other Behaviors
I don’t know about any of you out there, reading this on your computer and phone screens, but I didn’t only struggle with addiction. I was balancing addiction, alcoholism, an eating disorder, mental illness, codependency, and insecurities.
Not only did I have to face my demons as they related to alcohol and drugs, but I also had to seek help for these other issues. It wasn’t easy! I don’t know if men go through this kind of stuff, but I know more than a few women who have.
I got involved in a twelve-step fellowship. I sought outside therapy and counseling for my eating disorder. I sought psychiatric help for my depression and anxiety. I sought more therapy and counseling for my codependency and insecurities.
At the end of the day, I was exhausted…but I was also getting better! Dealing with these other behaviors and issues was tough. It’s one of the main reasons I think it’s harder for women to get sober than men.
3) Predators in the Rooms
Raise your hand if you’ve been in a meeting and glanced around the room only to find a creep ogling you. Oh, everyone’s hand is up? Huh, this must be more common than I thought.
Any which way you cut it, there are some real predators in the rooms of recovery. It doesn’t matter what fellowship you go to, who you surround yourself with, or how hard you’re working on your issues…predators are there. They’re there to try to 13th step you. I’ve seen it happen time and time again.
This literally makes me sick.
There are more than just sexual predators too. I can’t tell you how many times people at meetings have hit me up for money or a place to stay. Yes, there’s such a thing as service. Helping your fellow alcoholic is VERY important. There’s a line though and these predators cross it.
2) False Standards of Beauty
The entire world has an idea of how a woman “should” look. It usually has something to do with bleach-blonde hair, a large chest, and a tiny waist. It also has to do with how we dress and act.
It’s tough to get sober (which involves dealing with painful emotions, long forgotten memories, a boatload of insecurities, and everything else) and have to deal with society forcing their idea of beautiful on you. It’s damn tough!
You know what I think? I think women should look any way we want! We should eat whatever we want. We should dress however we want. We should act however we want (making sure to live within spiritual principles of course).
If you agree, then you’re not pushing false societal standards of beauty on women. If you don’t, well, case in point. It’s hard out here for a girl!
1) Sexism
Sexism exists. It’s unfortunate but it’s true. In fact, all four points above are, at their most basic, examples of sexism. It isn’t cool, it isn’t fair, it isn’t anything positive at all, but it’s there.
There’s not much to say about sexism. It just doesn’t seem to go away, BUT if we band together as women, as women in recovery, things will get better. Slowly but surely they will. I promise you that.
by Fiona Stockard | May 26, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Early-Recovery is Crazy!
The title says it all – early-recovery is crazy! We’re a whirlwind of emotions (mainly negative ones!), fear, insecurity, anxiety, highs and lows, and all sorts of madness.
It’s not all bad though. It’s also the time when we grow the most! Think about it like this – when we’re at ground zero, there’s nowhere to go but up. I probably grew more, and learned more about myself, in my first six months of sobriety than at any other time in my life.
This column, the newest from Sobriety for Women, will focus on the good, the bad, and the ugly. Admittedly, there’s usually more bad and ugly than good! So, to start things off, let me tell you all about the night I moved into what would become my final halfway house.
A Halfway House Horror Story
I “transferred” halfway houses at around ninety days sober. I say transferred because, to tell the truth, I was kicked out of the halfway house I’d been living in. I didn’t drink or get high, but I wasn’t living by spiritual principles. I was making selfish and impulsive decisions and, wouldn’t you know it, got kicked out.
So there I was, ninety days sober and effectively homeless. I scrambled and found another sober living residence that was willing to take me without a security deposit. Thank God for the kindness of women in this program!
I moved in around dinnertime that night. I met the owner, the house managers, and my new roommates. It turns out I actually knew one of the women living there. We’d previously lived together in another halfway! South Florida is a small place, friends!
This woman, let’s call her “Martha,” was a chronic relapser. I had been too for quite some time, so who was I to judge?
I emerged from my room later that night, around midnight I think, and found Martha and another of our roommates sitting in the living room with belts around their arms. The coffee table was littered with powder, burnt spoons, orange syringe caps, and a bent and dull needle.
To say I was shocked was a bit of an understatement. Just a few hours earlier, the owner had stood in our living room and talked about the power of honesty, willingness, and spiritual living. Martha and our other roommate stood there nodding their heads.
Fast forward to midnight and they were nodding their heads in a completely different way. I didn’t know what to do! I knew what I should do, but there’s a huge difference between should and taking that action.
One thing was for sure though, I knew I didn’t want to get high. I retreated back to my room and called the owner. I was shaking as I called! I didn’t want Martha and the other girl to hate me! Still, I knew if I didn’t talk to someone ASAP than I’d join them. That’s just how addiction works.
The owner didn’t answer, so I called a house manager. She told me to do nothing tonight and they would kick the girls out tomorrow. She told me that, if I needed to, I could leave and sleep on her couch for the night.
We talked for close to an hour. I slept in my new halfway house (halfway home!) that night. After we got off the phone, I prayed for a good thirty minutes or so. I asked God for the strength to stay sober.
The following morning, Martha and our other roommate were kicked out. It wasn’t the big deal I’d made it into in my mind the night before. The owner came over, drug tested them, and they left. It was that simple.
The Power of God
The only reason I stayed sober that night was because of God and the house manager I spoke to. I truly believe that woman was an instrument of God working to help me!
I’d been kicked out of a halfway house that day. I wasn’t living by spiritual principles. I moved into somewhere new, someplace outside of my comfort zone. I saw a woman I was friendly with (calling her my friend might be too much, but we were certainly friendly).
Then, hours later, drugs were placed in front of me. There’s no reason I should have stayed sober. All signs pointed towards relapse. But I didn’t! God was doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself.
That night was the start of my REAL recovery. That night was the start of me listening to, and learning from, others. Although it’s a crazy story, it also displays a powerful and simple truth – we only need to do the right thing to tap into a spiritual power beyond our understanding.
by Sally Rosa | May 21, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
By: Tim Myers
Good Evening People of the United States,
Well, my wife and I are here before you today to announce that the rumors are true. I, Timothy K. Myers, am running for President of The United States of America.
Over the next year my opponents are going to say a lot of things about me. Many of them, probably most of them, will be negative. Some will be true and some will be false. Listen, I can handle any mud they decide to fling. What I cannot handle is lies.
I don’t think it’s okay for politicians to lie to the American people. So, right here, right now, even before my fellow candidates have a chance to tell the world all the horrible things about me, I’m going to do it for them. At least this way, you, the American people, will have the facts.
I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I have not used drugs or alcohol for over four years. I went to a meeting today and I’ll go to one tomorrow. I don’t plan on this changing and I don’t plan on drinking ever again. Yes, obviously, in the past I drank too much and I did some pretty bad things.
This one time I drove drunk…and then I drove drunk about 300 more times. I never got caught. Go ahead check for an arrest record. I did get charged with criminal trespassing though.
I was nineteen and ran on to a professional baseball field drunk (as I’m sure you can imagine). I just wanted to play in the big leagues, you know! Anyway, the cops got one time called because I vandalized my dorm in college. Not just my dorm room, the entire dorm. We threw all the toilets out the window and all the mirrors and all the sinks. I didn’t get in trouble though. See, I informed on my roommate.
I failed out of three colleges, but finally got my music business degree. Not sure that will help me as President, but Jay-Z thinks I’m cool.
I had a bunch of girlfriends and can’t remember most of their names. I’m sure they’ll remember mine though. As soon as I start appearing on TV, you’ll see them on CNN too.
Guess how many rehabs I’ve been to? Nine. That’s a record.
I visited about a dozen crack houses. I bet I’m going to be the only President who did that. I call it getting to know my constituents.
I once was so drunk I got hit by a train… and lived! Now, if you ask me, I want a President who got hit by a train. That’s one tough Commander and Chief.
Oh and I died once. Yup, died. I drove drunk, crashed my car, and my lungs and heart stopped. Thank God for Ben Franklin, ‘cause those paddles shocked me back to life in a hurry! No need for a VP folks. I already died once, it’s not going to happen again. It’s impossible.
Okay, about the drugs, I tired ‘em all except heroin. I mean, I gave Tiffany money to get me some, but she always came back high, with no money, and no heroin for me. I don’t get it. I did love cocaine though.
Also, in the last 4 years I got a job, a career, helped over 100 men stay sober, met a woman, got married, bought a home, bought two cars, a dog, and two cats. I pay my bills, pay my taxes, and people love me.
I made mistakes. I will not make them again. I’ve been in the ditch, so I can show America the way out.
My name is Tim Myers. I am an alcoholic and I am running for President. So, what were those bad things you were going say about me?
by Fiona Stockard | May 19, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
By: Tim Myers
Man’s Best Friend
My dog keeps me sober. Or I guess you could say he helps. He doesn’t go to meetings, doesn’t have a sponsor, and he has never worked a step. When he talks, I can’t understand a single thing he says. He’s very good at listening.
I can say things to him that I can’t say to another human being. When I’m done I feel so much better because at least I’m not holding on to them any more.
If I want to sleep in, well, I can’t because he needs to go out. If I want to skip work, you guessed it, I can’t because I need to make money to pay for the massive amount of dog food I have to buy. I feed him twice a day, walk him three times, and play with him as much as I can. He has a pretty tight schedule, so I do too.
He keeps on task, on time, and on point. He brings a rigidity and structure to my life that I have never had before. Want to stay out late? I can’t, he needs me. Want to blow out of town for Vegas? I can’t, he needs me. My dog, in a way, makes sure I’m everywhere I need to be, when I need to be there. You see…he needs me.
I need him too. When I’m sad, depressed, and worn out, he’s there. He thinks everything is cool and funny and he picks me up when I’m down. Want to meet women? Want to meet men? Want to meet friends? He’s great for that.
Feel like rushing into a relationship because you’re lonely? Don’t bother if you’ve got a dog like I’ve got mine. There’s always something to do with him and he always wants to do something. Boredom, isolation, and fear? Haven’t seen them since I got my dog.
I’ve been a part of his life since he was three months old. I’ve seen him grow, develop, change, fall, get back up, learn, smile, and poop. He’s seen me grow, develop, change, fall, get back up, learn, smile, and poop.
I’ve worried about him and he’s worried about me. I’ve taken care of him and he’s taken care of me. I give 100% for him expecting nothing in return. Well, I expect that he won’t bite me. He gives 100% to me expecting nothing in return. Well, he expects treats.
My dog has never been to a meeting and has no idea that I’m an alcoholic, yet he has helped me more than a lot of people in recovery. Many people in recovery have helped me get to where I am today, but many have hurt me as well and, yes, I have hurt people too. But my dog hasn’t.
He steers me toward the right direction every single day. He’s never faltered and he never will. He loves me for me and, through this relationship, I’ve learned to treat people better. I have learned the meaning of friendship.
My dog has never seen me drunk and as long as I have God, AA, and a dog…he never will.
