by Fiona Stockard | Jun 1, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Benefits of Sobriety
How to be Grateful in Recovery
“You know, when I blew out my birthday candles this year I didn’t wish for anything…I simply said Thank You.”
BAM. Gratitude at its finest. Who says that? Who says I’m happy enough that there’s nothing else I need to wish for, not even on my birthday wish. A free wish! Well, a grateful alcoholic said those words to me.
We’ve all heard the saying that you can’t be resentful and grateful at the same time. In moments of hardship, it’s best to remember what we’re grateful for.
A month ago, a woman sat in front of me, broken and confused. She had another relapse under her belt and one more reason why AA wasn’t the answer. She wasn’t sure if sobriety was the right choice, but decided to give it a shot anyway. Not the half-measure, one-foot-in attempt she’d done in the past. She decided to give a real, honest effort at sobriety. One prayer later, she’d been given a sign that launched her into action.
See, gratitude is an action word. I hear that all the time, but what does it mean? What does it mean to be grateful and sober? How does someone become a grateful alcoholic or addict? I asked myself that question a million times in early sobriety. I’d hear people with some time talk about how grateful they were. WHY?! Didn’t they see where we were? We were stuck in South Florida, in a stuffy, little room littered with slogans like “Easy Does It.” There were E-Cigs being smoked the entire time, too! How could they be grateful?
For months this question plagued me. I didn’t understand! To me, grateful and sober clashed more than wearing pink and green. After I started to do some work on myself, after I developed a relationship with God, after I developed a relationship with sober people, my feelings began to change. Things I’d been sure of my entire life began to change. My reaction to life began to change. I began to become happy.
Not too long afterwards, I finally understood what it meant to be grateful and sober. The sentence my friend said, about simply saying “thank you” on her first sober birthday, hit me like a truck. Not only because it was an original saying I’d never heard before, although I did think it was so adorable! It hit me hard because I need to remember gratitude. As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I need to be reminded to be grateful for how good my life is today.
After being sober a few years, life has shown up. The pressure of being responsible adult has been filling me with fear lately. So, what does God do to shut me up? He places a newcomer in my life to remind me how exciting sobriety is. He places a newcomer in my life to remind me how wonderful life is and how the little things can make the best day ever. It’s experiences like this that make my sobriety worth more than anything in the world. Today, I’m grateful to be sober.
by Fiona Stockard | May 22, 2013 | Sobriety For Women, Addiction Treatment
Relapse: A Four Letter Word
I want to share my experience with relapsing. I’m kind of an expert! I relapsed a bunch of times before I finally got sober for good.
It’s frustrating and confusing to deal with relapse, both for the addict and their loved ones. Pay attention now, ’cause I’m going to let you in on a secret! You relapsed? Your child relapsed? Your significant other relapsed? It’s not the end of the world. There’s hope. There’s always hope! We shouldn’t ever give up on ourselves. Our loved ones certainly don’t.
Our loved ones don’t understand though. My parents, and pretty much everyone else, couldn’t understand why I kept relapsing. I hope my experience can benefit everyone seeking a better understanding of relapse.
So, Why Did I Relapse?
It’s hard to keep focus and hope in the face of repeated relapses. Trust me, I know this as well as anyone. Still, it’s important to remain confident that this time you’re going to stay sober! We learn from each relapse. Rather than looking at them as set-backs, we should view them as learning experiences. I’ve certainly come to view them this way. Each of my relapses took me one step closer to getting sober for good. I gained knowledge, and learned much needed lessons, each time I used.
Obviously, I still had a lot to learn. Still, each and every relapse brought me closer to learning what I needed. To put it another way, I relapsed multiple times because I still had something to learn from my addiction. I had to learn how to deal with emotional pain caused by difficult situations and traumatic memories. The more I used over these things, the more I realized that using wasn’t the answer!
I had to relapse again and again for this knowledge to be burned into my consciousness. After all, as an addict, I’m sort of an expert at fooling myself! I had to learn to get honest, with others and myself. I heard this over and over at meetings, but never internalized it.
My relapses reinforced the simple fact that drugs weren’t worth it. What was it? My life, sanity, health, and family. Drugs weren’t worth all that. Each time I used, this belief became stronger and stronger until, finally, I couldn’t deny it any longer.
Other Reasons I Relapsed
Another reason I used over and over, despite the negative consequences, is because I wasn’t strong enough yet. I built the strength and resolve to stay sober through every mistake I made. Each relapse took me closer to my bottom.
See, I had to really hit bottom. I had to hit my bottom. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought, said, or did, until I was at bottom, I wasn’t going to have the resolve to stay sober. Until I did something I said I’d never do, I wasn’t done. Until I crossed that line, I wasn’t done. Now, don’t get me wrong, I crossed a lot of lines in my addiction. That final line though? For some reason that one really hit home. It made me realize just how painful addiction is.
I can’t quite explain why this was different than my other stupid decisions. I’m not sure if it was just an accumulation of all the crap I’d done up to that point. I’m not sure if it was just the final straw. I am sure that we all have to find that one moment that’s our own bottom. We have to face changing or losing ourselves forever.
Relapse made me understand there was NO controlling my use. If I said I could control it, I was only fooling myself. Relapsing didn’t mean I’d never get sober, it just made me a stronger person from the lessons learned. So, please, don’t lose hope! Keep trying and take with you the lessons from each relapse!
-Charmed
by Fiona Stockard | May 14, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Recovery
Pain in Sobriety
It’s like a rite of passage everyone knows about and no one is looking forward to. It’s not a secret by any means. It’s talked about openly and honestly in meetings all over the world. It’s the big show everyone knows they have tickets for and will see at some point. Okay, I’m out of analogies, but you get what I’m talking about – hitting a bottom in sobriety.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve hit an emotional bottom in sobriety before. This isn’t my first rodeo. I’m also positive this won’t be my last. Nonetheless, here I am. Hi!
Just How Do You Reach a Bottom in Sobriety?
Let’s do a quick check on what led me to this bottom. First, let’s talk about meetings. For the past month or so, I’ve been doing to one meeting a week, unless I’m the speaker. Then I’d go to two meetings a week. You’d think that would count, but for me it doesn’t. Okay, so my meeting attendance is way down. Check. What’s next?
God. Now, God’s my Homie. I love God. I’m not ashamed to say that by any means. Lately, though, I’ve let a few things come between my relationship with God. I know that when I let my spiritual connection slip, some form of pain is headed my way.
What’s left on the checklist? Oh, right, carrying the message. Taking women through the steps has been a constant in my life. Lately, I’ve put it on the back burner. Because I’m so important, right? Welp, I’ve been slacking in that department as well.
Time for a quick recap on my checklist. How did I hit this emotional bottom in sobriety again?
– Slacking on meetings
– Slacking on God (including, but not limited to, praying, mediating, and self-inventory)
-Slacking on helping others
Let’s stop here. Three is more than enough. Clearly, not doing these three things has led to a bottom in sobriety. Trust me, it’s not fun! Being restless, irritable, and discontent are NOT qualities of life I enjoy. I become short-tempered, easily flustered, and annoyed at pretty much everyone in the world. Yep, the entire world.
I’m sure everyone reaches different types of sober bottoms and the characteristics that lead to them. I’m also sure that everyone reacts to sober bottoms differently. This is my experience though. This is how I reached a point where I’m miserable as f**k and stone cold sober.
Getting Out of That Pesky Bottom
So, now what? I’m here at bottom. Do I write a blog about it and tell other people how much it sucks be here? Well, that’s a start. I feel better seeing this on paper (or a computer screen) and realizing exactly how I ended up here. In fact, only fifteen minutes ago I was thinking, “sneaking bottom came out of nowhere!” Obviously, this isn’t the case. My bottom’s been coming for weeks due to my lack of action.
Now, I pray. I’m going to remind God I’m here and apologize for leaving again. After that, I’m going to a meeting. I need them, even when I think I don’t. I need them especially when I think I don’t. They’ve helped to keep me sane throughout all my years in sobriety. Last, but certainly not least, I’m going to work with another alcoholic. Not only is helping new women a bright spot in my life, but it instantly makes me feel better.
Hitting a bottom in sobriety is no fun (no s**t, you’re probably saying). Taking preventative measures is a MUCH easier route. Continue to do the things that got you sober in the first place. However, if you do end up resting on those old laurels, if you do end up slacking like me, just resume taking action! It’s that simple, I promise.
by Fiona Stockard | May 10, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Benefits of Sobriety
Fun in Sobriety?
The first time I tried to get sober I was 19. This was December, 2006. I’d dropped out of college after the first semester of my sophomore year. I thought I was like every other nineteen year old girl. Turns out, most nineteen year olds can go to class sober. Turns out most nineteen year olds don’t black out every night.
My parents realized long before I did how unmanageable my life was. They sent me to rehab and that’s where I perfected the art of telling people what they wanted to hear, of sliding under the radar. I wanted to have the willingness to get sober, but the truth is, I just didn’t. See, getting sober wasn’t worth it to me. I thought you couldn’t have fun in sobriety. I wouldn’t get sober for another five and a half years.
During this time, I didn’t much fun at all. I laughed sometimes, but always at the expense of someone else. I laughed because making fun of someone else made me feel better about myself. I gossiped because it made me feel better about myself.
Fake Fun in Fake Sobriety
I had periods of abstinence during those five plus years, but never actually worked a program. I couldn’t imagine a life without drugs or alcohol, let alone being able to have fun sober.
The truth is, during those periods of abstinence, I still had all my old behaviors. I lied, cheated, stole, and manipulated. I just didn’t use substances. I felt even worse during this time, if that makes sense. I didn’t have drugs to cover my feelings. I was a raw nerve and living a miserable existence. I remember doing activities that should have been fun. I even thought I was having fun sometimes. Really, I was just trying to fake it ’till I made it.
I thought if I didn’t change my attitude, or behaviors, but laughed when other people did, it might rub off on me. That didn’t happen. After awhile, I didn’t think sober people could have fun at all. I thought everyone else was doing what I was, faking a happy life. So, I went on one hell of a run. I used for a year and a half. During this time, some very close to me passed away. It was only then that I began to realize my crippling addiction. It was only then I began to realize I didn’t want to live this way anymore.
Real Fun in Real Sobriety
My sobriety date is January 17, 2011. I got sober on my 24th birthday. I’d love to say that I did the right thing from the start, that I finally had willingness, but I didn’t. I had to experience more pain, this time while in treatment, to become willing.
I was in an intensive inpatient treatment center for seven months. After about six months, I found what would become, and still is, my home group. I remember going to this meeting and seeing so many young people smiling, so many young people having fun. The crazy part was they were sober! You mean I can have fun in sobriety? This was a new idea for me. I saw clients returning from pass with sober-supports. They were happy and looked like they were having fun. This boggled my mind. I asked myself hundreds of times “are they really having fun in sobriety?”
I realized these people were only happy because they’d worked through the twelve-steps and found a new way of life. I decided I wanted what they had. I got a sponsor who began to take me through the steps. Eventually, I did a fifth step and learned my life had been driven by self-centered fear. I started going out with people after meetings. I slowly began to have fun in sobriety.
Still, I wasn’t 100% sure what people actually did for fun in sobriety. I soon learned, you do the same thing normal people do! You go out to dinner, to movies, to concerts, to friends’ houses. To this day, some of the best moments I’ve had have been sitting at a friend’s apartment, just talking and laughing.
I remember being in a friend’s car one day. We were joking around, laughing, and generally having a good time. He looked at me and said “If I knew sobriety was this fun, I’d have gotten sober a long time ago!” I couldn’t agree more. I thank God everyday for finding me a home in Alcoholics Anonymous. I think God everyday for the simple fact that I can be happy. I thank God everyday for being able to have fun in sobriety.
by Sally Rosa | May 3, 2013 | Sobriety For Women, Addiction Treatment
Love In Sobriety
I’ve done a lot of things wrong in my sobriety, a lot. The one thing I can absolutely say that I’ve done right is how I approached finding love in sobriety. As I write this, I’m two weeks from marrying the love of my life, the man I’m positive my higher power wants me with. Hopefully, I can share some of my experience to those struggling with finding love in sobriety.
When I first got sober I was advised of one thing, and only one thing, regarding relationships – don’t get in one for a year. This was fine with me. The only experience I had with dating at this point was one long-term relationship (which ended horribly) and a few casual hookups. I didn’t trust men at all and found it easy to stick with women.
I got a sponsor and began working steps. I surrounded myself with strong women in recovery, women I could share anything with. In fact, these were the first people I learned to love in sobriety. I loved them before I loved myself. We spent every weekend together, laughing, dancing, and having a good time. I learned who I really was. I learned how to live life. These women taught me how to truly love myself.
Through all of this, God was with me. I built a relationship with my higher power by working the twelve-steps. I learned to love God. I learned to trust God. I became sure God had a plan for me. Because of this, I was perfectly happy waiting for the romantic relationship that God would be fit to place in my life. I was sure that if I was meant to find love in sobriety, God would provide for me. That isn’t to say I wasn’t impatient. Sometimes I was. I was lonely going to bed by myself every night. I was lonely watching my friends fall in love in sobriety. Hell, I was even lonely watching my friends fall out of love in sobriety. I was there for my friend’s weddings, births, and breakups. Still, I felt unqualified to give my friends and sponsees relationship advice.
And then, there he was, my love. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. I just knew there was an attraction between us. An attraction I hadn’t felt in a long time. Geographically, we were separated, so I only saw him a few times a year. We were friends for several years. I managed to convince myself that I didn’t have feelings for him. I began to take action about my dating situation. I hadn’t been in a relationship in over five years! I’d worked on myself, done two 5th steps, and worked with countless sponsees. I loved myself. I was ready! I began to seek love in sobriety like I never had before.
Then this guy, my friend, moved to where I was living. He moved in with a friend of mine, in fact. We began spending a lot of time together. We spoke everyday. I became confused about how he felt about me. I’d speak to my sponsor about him at length. In the end, I decided to let God guide things. If God wanted us together, we’d end up together, and that was that. Not long afterwards, we began dating. I knew deep inside, in my heart and soul, this was the real deal. I’d found love in sobriety.
We’ve had our ups and downs, but through it all I’ve been convinced this is the man God wants for me. As long as we keep God at the center of our lives, nothing can shake the love we’ve built.
