by Fiona Stockard | Oct 4, 2016 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
I Stayed Sober & She Relapsed…Why?
Remember that friend I talked about last week? The one who I was inseparable from? The one who ran into the boys’ apartment to get water to put out that fire?
Well, she called me not too long ago. We haven’t spoken in a LONG time, years at least I just celebrated seven years of continuous sobriety (yes, weekends and holidays count!). She just got out of treatment…again.
It sucked to hear that. I was so bummed! Here’s a woman who did almost all the same things as me in early-sobriety. We got into trouble together. We got better together. I stayed sober. She didn’t.
Why is that? Why was I able to stay sober for years (and hopefully continue to stay sober for many more), while she relapsed?
Ultimately, I don’t know. I have some ideas, but they’re only ideas. I’ll share them with you below. I’ll also share the story of the first time she drank and how much that crushed me.
Chronic Relapser
I should probably mention two things here. First, my friend’s name is Cindy. It feels weird to keep calling her “her.” Second, Cindy’s a chronic relapser. Since I’ve known her, she’s gotten high a handful of times. And those are only the times I know about.
I say that not to bash her at all. I mean, I was a chronic relapser for a long time! It wasn’t until I started working steps and getting to know a God of my own understanding that I stopped relapsing.
Even then, I’m not sure why I stopped relapsing…which brings me to the story of the first time Cindy relapsed.
We’d been living together for around six months at this point. The fire incident was long behind us. By now we were both heavily involved in the twelve-steps and bettering ourselves spirituality.
In the months we were living together in the halfway house, we saw roommates bounce in and out. We saw girls relapse almost instantly. We saw them do well for a while before taking that first sucker drink. We even saw girls get kicked out while being stone cold sober.
Coming Home Drunk
Cindy was in the same sponsorship family I was. We didn’t have the same sponsor but our sponsors were sponsee sisters. So, I guess we were sponsee cousins? I’ve never been able to figure out how the whole sponsorship family system works!
Like I said above, we lived pretty similar lives. The one major difference is that she was involved in an unhealthy relationship and I wasn’t. Now, that isn’t to say I wasn’t ever involved in unhealthy or codependent relationships. I definitely was!
She came back to the halfway house one night reeking of alcohol. She was a wreck. She said her boyfriend broke up with her and, instead of going to a meeting, she went to the bar.
I called her sponsor who said she would be right over. I called our house manager (who was 100% my guardian angel by now). We sat out front, smoked cigarettes, talked, and waited them both to show up.
Cindy ended up not getting in any trouble from our halfway house. The owner knew she was trying to do the right thing and screwed up. He sent her to a detox just to be safe, but that was it.
Not too long after, like maybe two months or so, she drank again. This time she went off on a run. I didn’t see her for a bunch of months, until she showed up at our home group to pick up a white chip. She’s been in and out ever since.
Why’d She Drink?
Here’s where things get complicated. I honestly have no idea why Cindy drank and why I didn’t when I was in a similar situation.
I know, you’re thinking she drank because she was in a relationship without first being spiritually fit. I don’t know though. I’ve heard people say that before and it’s always sounded a little fishy. Like, does God punish people for not always doing the right thing?
I just can’t wrap my head around that. It seems too close to the idea of a punishing and vengeful God. My God isn’t like that at all. My God is loving, caring, and always has my back. I have to believe Cindy’s God was the same.
I don’t know. I mean everyone has a God of their own understanding, right? Maybe her relationship with her Higher Power was different. Maybe I was just lucky and Cindy wasn’t. Maybe she made a bad decision, set off the physical allergy, and the rest was history.
All I know for sure, with 100% certainty, is that I thank God regularly for my sobriety. I love Cindy and will always love her. She’s like a sister. Still, I’m very happy that she was the one who drank and not me.
by Sally Rosa | Jun 16, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
One Question? It’s Really That Simple?
First, let me say that nothing written below is original. I didn’t come up with any of it. They’re my words, but the ideas all belong to twelve-step fellowships.
With that disclaimer out of the way – do you think you’re an alcoholic? Maybe you’re drinking too much on weekends. Maybe you’re drinking too much on weekdays. Maybe you’re drinking in the morning, at work, and until you pass out at night.
We all have different definitions of what alcoholism is. There’s the medical and scientific definition, the twelve-step definition, the treatment definition…the list goes on.
With all these conflicting definitions, how can anyone ever REALLY be sure they’re drinking alcoholically?
Well, dear readers, time spent in active alcoholism and in recovery have given me an answer! It’s a question to ask yourself. It’s pretty straightforward and commonsense. It shouldn’t be hard to answer either.
Can I Picture a Life Without Alcohol?
That’s it. From my time spent in the rooms of recovery (almost ten years), I’ve learned that asking yourself this simple question can speak volumes.
Can I picture a life without alcohol? If the answer is yes, then you’re probably not an alcoholic. If booze isn’t that important to you, if it’s merely something that enhances social situations or relieves a bit of stress, then you’re 99.9% not an alcoholic.
Can I picture a life without alcohol? If the answer is no, then you’re in trouble. If you absolutely cannot picture a life in which you don’t drink, something’s wrong. It doesn’t 100% mean you’re an alcoholic, but it does make things complicated.
But Fiona, you might be saying, I can’t picture a life without alcohol…but it’s only because I want to drink at my wedding!
Guess what? That’s alcoholic thinking. Again, it doesn’t mean you’re 100% an alcoholic, but that’s the type of thinking I displayed time and time again in active alcoholism.
See, my wedding isn’t guaranteed. I think I’ll get married one day, but it’s in the future and I can’t predict the future. So, if I can’t picture getting married without drinking, well, things are already looking bad. That means I can’t picture a future date, which may or may not happen, without alcohol!
Sounds a bit alcoholic to me!
Not Convinced?
Still not convinced that this simple question can help determine if you suffer from alcoholism or not? Fair enough. It’s a bold claim, right? Saying that a single question can accurately gauge a complex mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical disease is a bit of a stretch.
It’s not too much of a stretch though. Most good things in this world (religion, government, etc.) are based on simple ideas. Alcoholism is no different.
Religion is based on the idea that being connected to God and living a good life will payoff in eternity. Government is based on the idea that civilizations need a source of order and protection. Alcoholism is based on the idea that alcohol fills a void in the alcoholic.
If you can’t picture life without alcohol, well, you’re probably using it to fill a void inside your heart and soul. I say this as someone who struggled with that void for years. Guess what I eventually found out?
No amount of booze can make me feel whole. The only way I know to be “happily and usefully whole” is to be sober and be of service to others.
If you think you have a problem with alcohol, ask yourself that question. Ask yourself if you can picture a life without alcohol. Ask yourself honesty and answer honestly.
The answer may just surprise you.
by A Women in Sobriety | Jun 11, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Don’t Fall in Love in Rehab!
Treatment isn’t fun. It’s necessary, enlightening, a space for growth, and life saving…but it isn’t fun.
I don’t know about all you, but when I went to my first treatment center all I cared about was fun. So, the gears in my faulty brain started turning. They cranked and cranked and came up with the idea of getting a boyfriend while in treatment.
It isn’t going to end like this…I promise
This is called a rehab romance and trust me when I say – don’t do it! Nothing good will come from it. I’m sure most of you reading this are already shaking your heads. Come on girl, you’re thinking!
I know, I know. Anyway, I figured I’d share my experience so that others don’t have to make the same mistakes I did. Enjoy!
5) It Can Wait
This isn’t really a good reason at all, but it’s true. If you meet someone you like in treatment, or if you meet someone who pays attention to you and is cute (that’s all it took for me!), save it for later.
Having a rehab romance will do a lot of things for you…none of them are positive. Plus, it’s usually breaking the rules of the treatment center. That’s addict behavior. We got sober to CHANGE our behavior, remember!
The love of your life might be around when you both get out of rehab. They might not. It doesn’t matter. Just wait.
4) The Other Person is Sick
I feel like this one goes without saying, but I’m saying it anyway. There’s a reason your perfect boyfriend ended up in rehab. That reason, hard as it may be to swallow, is because they’re sick!
Addiction and alcoholism are diseases of selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and failed relationships (romantic, platonic, and familial). So, knowing all this, why would you get into a relationship anyway? It just doesn’t make sense!
3) You’re Sick!
Again, I feel like this one is obvious, but I’m saying it anyway because it wasn’t obvious to me!
If your new prince charming is sick…well just think about how sick you are! I was a lot of things when I entered treatment (insecure, afraid, neurotic, emotionally crippled, emotionally unavailable, jealous, full of resentment, lonely…the list goes on). You know what I wasn’t? Healthy.
Why would I want to get into a relationship with another human being when I’m not even okay on my own? Why would I want to subject another person to the madness that was inside my head at the time?
It just doesn’t make sense. Of course, most alcoholics do things that don’t make sense. Falling in love in rehab, though, takes the cake of most nonsense and silly things to do!
2) It Distracts from Therapy
Why’d you go to treatment in the first place? To get help! If you’re anything like me, you desperately needed help with just about everything in your life.
So, while in treatment, why would you do anything that distracts from getting that help? Of course, hindsight is 20/20, right? I didn’t think getting involved with a boy distracted me from therapy. I thought I was still doing my assignments and learning about myself.
And I was…to a degree. I wasn’t fully present though. Guess what I thought about at night? If you said plans for my future wedding to Bobby from Boston – you’re right!
I wasn’t concentrating on figuring out what made me tick. I wasn’t taking a fearless look inside myself for answers. I was making sure everything looked good on the outside and paying lip service to self-searching, all while dreaming about a boy. Yikes!
1) It Distracts from God
More than anything else on this list, getting involved in a rehab romance puts distance between you and your Higher Power. Do you think God wants you passing notes during smoke break? I don’t know about you, but my God definitely doesn’t!
Alcoholism and addiction are spiritual diseases. The only way to FULLY recover from them is through a spiritual experience. If we’re putting people before God, well, this just doesn’t happen.
If we’re attempting to fill the void with people, attention, compliments, or anything other than a Higher Power of our own understanding, it just doesn’t work. It’s that simple.
What are your top reasons for not having a rehab romance? Let us know on social media!
by Fiona Stockard | Jun 2, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
We Didn’t Start the Fire!
Welcome back to Halfway House Chronicles: One Woman’s Story of Early-Sobriety. I hope you liked the first one, ‘cause I have lots more where that came from!
When I was coming up with my list of which interesting experiences to write about, I kept coming back to the idea that they should be more than funny stories. I mean, fun and games are good…but where’s the value? Where’s the spiritual lesson in telling humorous stories about early-recovery?
With that in mind, all Halfway House Chronicles are going to have some sort of lesson attached to them. They’ll have some nugget of wisdom I’ve distilled from my (somewhat crazy) early-sobriety antics.
Today, I’d like to share with you all about the time I lit a fire in my sober living house and end with a reflection on God-centered thinking. Sounds like a jump, right? Then read on!
Okay, Maybe We DID Start the Fire…
I was living in the same halfway house I talked about last time. My roommates who were secretly getting high had been kicked out. I got a new roommate who I loved and, more importantly, who was working to better herself spiritually.
We’d go to meetings together, discuss the Big Book together, do yoga together, meditate together, and talk to boys together. In short, we were inseparable and not always for the best reasons!
One day, we were hanging out on the other side of our halfway house “complex” (the house was actually a bunch of apartments in a large complex). We were smoking cigarettes and talking to two boys who were up on their porch.
They started throwing little bits of gravel at us, so, of course, we threw our cigarettes up at them. Makes sense, right? Oh the strange logic of early-sobriety!
Anyway, one of our cigarettes must have fallen from their porch to the bushes in front of us ‘cause, within a minute or two, we noticed A LOT of smoke coming from the bush. We’d accidently lit it on fire!
this is what the fire looked like in my head!
I started freaking out and yelling about how we were going to get kicked out (I probably should have been yelling about how we could have burned the place down). Thankfully, my roommate was more levelheaded. She ran up into the boys’ apartment, grabbed a bucket of water, and dumped it on the bush.
That got rid of the fire and the immediate emergency. At our house meeting a few days later, my roommate and I got called out for going into the boys’ apartment. Apparently someone had seen my roommate run into their house to get water!
I was furious because a) I hadn’t gone into their apartment and b) my roommate only did it to extinguish the fire! I tried explaining that to the owner and house managers. Of course, they weren’t very understanding. They didn’t kick us out, but we were now on thin ice.
And they were right! One of the house managers, the same one who’d given me such good advice when I called her about my old roommates using, took me aside and gave me some MORE advice I still remember to this day.
A Lesson in Humility & God
Here’s where the lesson I was talking about earlier enters the picture (told you we’d get there!). This woman, who I now think was an angel sent into my life to help me during early-recovery, told me a few things.
First, she pointed out that my roommate and myself wouldn’t have had to get water to extinguish the fire if we hadn’t been at the boys’ apartment in the first place. Okay, that’s pretty obvious right? It hit me like a ton of bricks!
She explained that I was looking for attention and outside validation, which is normal for an alcoholic, when I should have been looking to strengthen my relationship with God.
She sat down with me (ironically right in front of where we’d started the fire!) and explained the difference between God-centered thinking and selfish thinking. God-centered thinking, she said, was when someone prayed and meditated and thought of how they could help people.
Selfish thinking, on the other hand, was what most alcoholics were used to. It was thinking about only ourselves and how to get what we want.
She then explained that although I was upset over this whole situation (and on early-curfew!), I could use it as a source of humility and a way to start practicing God-centered thinking. She told me that us alcoholics don’t learn things easily, that we have to bang out heads on the wall a few times to learn a simple lesson.
I can fortunately say I took her advice. I began to pray and meditate more seriously. I began to practice God-centered thinking AND living. Guess what? I haven’t started a fire since! That, my friends, is a miracle!
by Sally Rosa | May 28, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
It’s Hard Out Here for a Girl!
Getting sober is harder for women than it is for men. Can I get an amen? Or can I get an awomen!
I say that and stand behind it 100%. Don’t believe me? That’s fine. I’m here to change your mind. I’m here to shift your opinion from point A to point B.
Isn’t that what recovery is all about? Changing our thinking (and actions and behaviors)? So, there’s no long windup here. Let’s get to the facts. Without further ado, find the top five reasons getting sober is harder for women than men.
5) It’s Hard to Trust Other Women
Like the rest of this list, this shouldn’t be the case…but it is! When I got sober, I hated spending time with women. I viewed them as catty, shallow, and always ready to stab me in the back. I was proud to call myself one of the boys.
Of course, it turns out that was just my sick thinking. I made my home group a women’s meeting. I started reaching out to, and spending time with, sober women. I got to see what recovery and sobriety were really about.
These things changed my mind. Today, I’m proud to call myself one of the girls!
4) Dealing with Other Behaviors
I don’t know about any of you out there, reading this on your computer and phone screens, but I didn’t only struggle with addiction. I was balancing addiction, alcoholism, an eating disorder, mental illness, codependency, and insecurities.
Not only did I have to face my demons as they related to alcohol and drugs, but I also had to seek help for these other issues. It wasn’t easy! I don’t know if men go through this kind of stuff, but I know more than a few women who have.
I got involved in a twelve-step fellowship. I sought outside therapy and counseling for my eating disorder. I sought psychiatric help for my depression and anxiety. I sought more therapy and counseling for my codependency and insecurities.
At the end of the day, I was exhausted…but I was also getting better! Dealing with these other behaviors and issues was tough. It’s one of the main reasons I think it’s harder for women to get sober than men.
3) Predators in the Rooms
Raise your hand if you’ve been in a meeting and glanced around the room only to find a creep ogling you. Oh, everyone’s hand is up? Huh, this must be more common than I thought.
Any which way you cut it, there are some real predators in the rooms of recovery. It doesn’t matter what fellowship you go to, who you surround yourself with, or how hard you’re working on your issues…predators are there. They’re there to try to 13th step you. I’ve seen it happen time and time again.
This literally makes me sick.
There are more than just sexual predators too. I can’t tell you how many times people at meetings have hit me up for money or a place to stay. Yes, there’s such a thing as service. Helping your fellow alcoholic is VERY important. There’s a line though and these predators cross it.
2) False Standards of Beauty
The entire world has an idea of how a woman “should” look. It usually has something to do with bleach-blonde hair, a large chest, and a tiny waist. It also has to do with how we dress and act.
It’s tough to get sober (which involves dealing with painful emotions, long forgotten memories, a boatload of insecurities, and everything else) and have to deal with society forcing their idea of beautiful on you. It’s damn tough!
You know what I think? I think women should look any way we want! We should eat whatever we want. We should dress however we want. We should act however we want (making sure to live within spiritual principles of course).
If you agree, then you’re not pushing false societal standards of beauty on women. If you don’t, well, case in point. It’s hard out here for a girl!
1) Sexism
Sexism exists. It’s unfortunate but it’s true. In fact, all four points above are, at their most basic, examples of sexism. It isn’t cool, it isn’t fair, it isn’t anything positive at all, but it’s there.
There’s not much to say about sexism. It just doesn’t seem to go away, BUT if we band together as women, as women in recovery, things will get better. Slowly but surely they will. I promise you that.
