by Sally Rosa | Jul 3, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Written By: Katie Schipper
Staying Clean But Living Dirty
Trying to stay clean while living a dishonest life isn’t easy. It’s possible, but not easy at all. Not many people can do it. If you’re in a twelve-step fellowship, you may watch it happen. Usually, when someone’s sober while living dirty, it’s because she’s in a pretty intense state of denial about how she’s really living.
The reason it’s so hard to stay clean and live dirty isn’t complicated. You’re in a program that preaches honesty at every turn. Meanwhile, you’re living a lifestyle that requires lying! These opposites can’t work together for very long. The truth is that sometimes it takes time, a lot of time, for a woman to realize she’s lying to herself. It happens as a process and with support.
What about working a job that, at its core, is based on lying, misleading, or dishonesty?
Justifying Dishonesty
A couple of things come up right away when talking about dishonest jobs. There’s the idea that if enough people do it, as a group, they can convince themselves that it isn’t that bad, or that they aren’t at fault because they’re just doing their job. There’s always, ALWAYS, a justification for being dishonest. If people couldn’t justify living a lie, it wouldn’t be so easy to do at first. Dishonest jobs may also come with perks that make the lie seem like less of an issue. Maybe a dishonest job pays better or has better hours. It might have outcomes that are desirable and make your life easier. But at what cost?
Whatever treatment center for women you go to, one of the first things you learn (and hear over and over and over…and over) is how crucial honesty is to recovery. You hear how this means honesty in every area of your life. Once again, that doesn’t mean every lie you’ve ever told is suddenly going to come to light. Remember, denial is the foundation of addicts’ lives. Hey, we’re so good at denial that sometimes our lies feel like the truth! That’s why it’s so important in early-recovery to find people (like a sponsor and a support network) that help you tell the true from the false.
Making Choices and Sacrifices
The truth about having a dishonest job in sobriety, and being aware of that dishonesty, is that eventually it’ll catch up to you. This might take the form of a spiritual crisis, like a return to self-loathing. It might be an eventual loss of what having a dishonest job got you in the first place. It might be a relapse.
Dishonesty and losing the willingness to confront challenges is usually a stepping stones to deciding that getting high or drunk is a good idea. No one is perfect and no one is asking us to be perfect. The idea is to gather enough willingness and awareness that we can look at something (like a job opportunity) and reasonably decide whether it’s moral, honest, and worthwhile.
To put it another way – it’s better to make eight bucks an hour as a grocery checkout person, than to have a baller job with lots of cash at the price of sacrificing your integrity. Know why? Because there absolutely are things that money can’t buy.
by Fiona Stockard | Jun 19, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Written By: Katie Schipper
Romantic Relationships in Sobriety Can Be Healthy!
No, but seriously. Wait.
That guy/girl/whoever you met in your treatment center/halfway house/that meeting that you can’t live without? You can. Just wait. The crazy thing about waiting is that you might find out your tastes aren’t quite what you thought they were. Thirty, or sixty, or ninety days off your lifetime of smoking/snorting/shooting drugs and drinking? Yeah, you probably don’t know what you want!
So wait. You might grow (shocker!). You might change. You might actually realize there’s something to be said for getting to know yourself and your inherent value. You might learn that what’s inside you is so much bigger and so much better than an attachment to another human.
Before we start new relationships, we have to fix our old ones!
First We Must learn to Love Ourselves
That doesn’t necessarily mean wait a year. After all, a year is just an arbitrary, man-made measure of time. Some people might get well before a year is up. Others, most others, probably need well over a year to undo a lifetime of diseased, insane, chemically affected thinking and acting.
It isn’t the year so much that matters, but rather the time you’ve given to the two most vital, lasting, and important relationships in your life: the one you have with God/Higher Power/the Universe/etc. and the one you have with Yourself.
Here’s the thing, we’re phenomenally adept at bulls**ting ourselves. Nowhere is this more apparent than when we are describing why, contrary to all popular evidence, we’re ready to be in a relationship when we’ve done no meaningful work on rebuilding the ONLY relationships that matter!
It’s a cliché, but it doesn’t matter because it’s true! We can’t fully love someone without learning how to love ourselves. That doesn’t mean we aren’t capable of love, or that we don’t care about others, or anything like that. It means that until we’ve built a solid foundation of self-esteem and self-love (spoiler alert: that doesn’t happen overnight, or in a month, or in three months) we’ll use the other person to fill a void, or feel better about ourselves.
All of these things that we do in addiction recovery programs, all of the work, and soul-searching, and praying, and meditation – it’s designed to connect us to a God of our own understanding. Guess what? This God already lives within each of us. If we seek it in another person before we seek it in ourselves, we’re doing ourselves a huge injustice. We usually pay for it, too. Maybe not right away, but any relationship that’s put before those two most vital relationships will eventually crumble.
Safe relationships? Whatever happened to safe sex?
Let the Right Relationship Present Itself
As for the actual steps for getting into a healthy relationship? There aren’t any. If you can honestly and earnestly say that you have a solid relationship with yourself and God, then chances are you won’t be actively seeking a relationship. Usually, faith that the right relationship will present itself in your life goes hand-in-hand with those two things.
The beautiful thing about unreservedly loving yourself is that you get to a point where you won’t settle for less than you deserve. You’ll have this gut instinct that explains what this means for you. So, if you want to get into a healthy romantic relationship, the first thing you should do is wait.
by Fiona Stockard | Jun 16, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Written By: Katie Schipper
Pets Are A Lot Of Work
Animals, yay! Pets are one of the greatest little joys in this life. They become part of your family and are absolutely worth every vet-bill, clean up, and minor annoyance. Pets are the best.
Pets are also a lot of work. They aren’t just little toys. No, they’re living creatures that require attention, care, and money. Wanting the joy and companionship of a pet is normal, but should you get one fresh out of a treatment center for women? Should you get one right out of your halfway house? What are some factors to consider before you do get a pet?
Waiting For The Right Time
There are a lot of common recovery suggestions that don’t actually come from twelve-step literature. One of the most popular is to stay out of a relationship for your first year sober. Another is to wait the same amount of time to get a pet.
It doesn’t always make sense in the moment. These suggestions only reveal their importance in hindsight. That’s why they’re very often ignored. Our ingrained need to get what we want when we want it makes us stubbornly choose to jump into things. We often do whatever looks good in the moment, with little consideration for what the long-term outcome may be.
Consider getting a hobby before you get a pet!
Things to Consider
First of all, consider what foundations you have in your life. If you’re newly sober, do you have a steady job that allows you to be self-sufficient? If the answer is no, then you can’t afford a pet. If it’s yes, then ask yourself if you have a routine that allows you to focus on the things you need each day. These are things like meetings, working with a sponsor, attending any therapy you might do, going to work, or going to school. If you have a routine, and there’s time in it for a pet, then it becomes a matter of practicality.
We’re capable of doing all the things that so-called normal people do. There’s no reason we shouldn’t have pets that we love and care for. There’s nothing that says we aren’t responsible enough for a pet. In fact, the woman who’s active in recovery is often an example of responsibility!
Are you looking for love and companionship? Learn how one woman found love in sobriety!
At the risk of over-therapizing the issue, it’s worth considering if you’re buying a pet to fill some void, or offer a temporary fix to a bigger problem. The reality with every addict and alcoholic is that we’re spiritually sick. We frequently look to things outside of ourselves for fulfillment. Animals are without defense and it’s unfair to make them yet another victim of our own need to feel better.
Ideally, like with most major life changes, you’ll give yourself ample time to work on you before getting a pet. Remember, there’s no rush! Waiting to make such a large decision makes it that much more beautiful when you do get a pet. That way, you enter pet ownership out of love, not loneliness. You know that you have the means and wherewithal to care for another living creature.
by Sally Rosa | Jun 3, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Written By: Katie Schipper
Clichés are those really annoying phrases we hear so often that they lose all meaning. We hear them often in twelve-step meetings. Clichés are repeated because they’re recognizable and often seem to be a go to for old-timers and sponsors.
AA has a lot of clichés! It’s easy to look at them as annoying, but in reality most of them have a lot of weight and meaning. Sometimes, we just have to hear them in the right context. When that happens, something clicks. What was once a played out cliché becomes something valuable. So, get over your resentment and start to learn why some clichés are important!
New to meetings? Read about some twelve-step meeting etiquette.
AA Clichés – Giving Them Back Their Meaning
Most of the go-to phrases in AA can be found posted on the wall of any clubhouse or meeting room. Let Go and Let God seems to be a good place to start. This cliché is an easy target because it’s an over-simplification of something that most alcoholics are miserably bad at doing – giving up control! So, the natural tendency is to hear this and sneer.
For us alcoholics, the fact is the truth is almost always simple. We don’t have a complicated solution. What we’ve found over and over again, and is shown in both our addiction stories and our sober transformations, is that we’re at our worst when we’re grabbing for control. So, this simple cliché, to let go of our desperate need to control not just what’s in front of us, but even our drive to control outcomes, turns out to be powerful. Let God take the wheel. That’s simple, but like everything else in AA, just because it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy.
So, next time you hear someone say Let Go and Let God in a meeting, think about what that really means. Think about how beautiful it is when that cliché works in our lives.
Need help picking a sponsor? Here’s a few pointers.
Another cliché that’s almost impossible for newcomers to make sense of is One Day at a Time. Like letting go, learning to make a home in the present moment is an endless gift.
One of the hurdles that frequently emerges in early-sobriety is the concept of not getting stuck in the future. To quote a wise Jedi Knight, one should always be mindful of the future, but never at the expense of the present moment. This idea is the crux of this cliché. One Day at a Time also goes beyond present moment awareness, to the ever-present and inescapable fact that every sober person has a daily reprieve. We’re only sober insofar as we put in the work to not pick up a drink or a drug, today. Tomorrow, we’ll get the chance to try all over again.
The list of clichés could go on and on (and on and on and on), but the bigger idea is to realize that even if a slogan’s annoying, or doesn’t have personal value to you, it comes from a meaningful place. As for those rare slogans that are just stupid? Well, we can ignore those!
by Fiona Stockard | May 29, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
As I sit here at my house watching Beyond Scared Straight, a few questions come to mind. I’m watching parents beg their kids to get their lives together. I’m watching parents plead for their children not to waste their lives committing crimes and doing drugs. I’m watching parents going on and on about their kids’ potential and how much they can get out of life, if they’d only change.
Were They Even Scared At All?
Original photo by Adam Jones, Ph.D.
Watching these emotional families visit their kids in jail, I see the pain in their eyes. I see these families hoping, with all their strength, that their loved one will be…scared straight.
At the end of the show, there’s an update on the kids. I eagerly wait for these updates to see the success stories. I sit there, puffing on my electronic cigarette, watching the screen intently. Guess what? These poor kids are still doing the same thing! They’re still making the same mistakes, hurting the same people, telling the same lies, and making the same empty promises. This is the definition of insanity! Since the show, some kids have gone to jail, some have died, some have gone missing. There are a few success stories, but these are few and far between.
Watch the story of a young women who’s turned her life around
My Personal Experience
As a recovered addict, I started thinking about these scare tactics. Do they work? Can we scare our kids, our family members, our coworkers, or our friends away from a life of drugs?
I remember being an adolescent and a participant in the D.A.R.E Program. D.A.R.E stands for Drug Abuse Resistance Education. It’s used to educate today’s youth about the danger of drugs and gang membership. At the time, I thought I’d never smoke pot, let alone become a daily user of opiates and crack! Some people in my class used the D.A.R.E program as a shopping guide for which drugs they should try out first. Some kids even thought the “dangers” didn’t sound much like dangers at all, in fact, they sounded like a good time. Even when armed with facts about the dangers of drug use, and the potential harsh consequences, I wasn’t detoured from using illicit substances.
Why is accountability so important in our lives?
Availability of the Product
In a time when there’s a heroin epidemic raging in the Northeast and legal drugs (kratom, bath-salts, etc.) being sold in convenience stores everywhere, it’s no wonder many young people are developing drug problems!
With delicious sounding alcoholic beverages like Smirnoff Mango, passion fruit shots, and whipped cream flavored vodka, how can we expect our kids to “just say no?” These drinks are basically advertised as candy. Not to mention, the half naked models enjoying and glorifying these poisons!
With more and more treatment centers all over the country, and more adolescent facilities than ever before, what’s the solution? How do we, as a society, combat the drug epidemic in this country? Do we continue to try to “scare our children straight,” or do we try to educate them?
Drugs Are Bad, We Know
Everyone and their mother knows that drugs are bad. We get it. Don’t do drugs. But what if I have a problem? How do I even know if I have a problem? What should parents do if their kids are using drugs? That’s the conversation we need to be having.
I’d have gotten help a lot sooner if I knew there was help available! If I’d known that twenty year olds can get sober, you bet you a*s that I’d have gotten sober! Now, after being sober several years, I know that anyone can get better. I walk into a young peoples’ twelve-step meeting and more than half the room has over a year of sobriety. Remember, that’s sobriety from ALL drugs and alcohol.
Why is Delray Beach Florida is a great place for young women to recover?
Finding Help Doesn’t Have To Be Scary
There are a ton of resources available for individuals suffering from addiction. There are women’s only treatment centers, male treatment centers, adolescent treatment centers, and a variety of other facilities available for anyone in need of help.
We need to spend more time educating parents and teens! We need to let them know that not only are drugs bad, but what resources are available if they do end up with an addiction. We need to explain there is a solution and how to find it!
