It took me 9 years to graduate college. I attended 9 rehabs and 3 colleges. I have a bachelors degree in music business, I write TV commercials for a living, have been sober 3.5 years and I completed all 12 steps. My college graduation party was attended by myself, and a bar tender. The cocaine, alcohol and weed were funded by money I swindled out of an inheritance my grandfather left me when he died. I messed up the college experience, then fixed it, messed it up again, scooted to the finish line and I’m still around to reflect on every moment. So, Yeah, I am very qualified to give you 10 tips on how to succeed in college.

10. Don’t take your self too seriously

Guess what, if your not going to be a doctor or a lawyer or really good scientist or something, it doesn’t matter how good your grades are. It’s true! Don’t get so stressed out! It’s not a big deal. Do your best, but at the same time don’t become one of those kids who base their entire self worth upon a letter grade. During a job interview they do not ask what your GPA was, most don’t care, they care about whether or not you have a degree and if you can do the job. Period. So do not let your self get so damn stressed out that you turn to drugs or an eating disorder to calm the storm of your own heightened expectations. Chill out, it’s only college!

9. Use a condom

This is non-negotiable. Ok, you don’t have to “wear” one but you better make sure that Jimmy has a condom on his Jimmy. You will have plenty of time for unprotected sex in the future, but this is not that time. Try making it to class with baby Bjorn strapped around you neck. What is a baby Bjorn? I have no idea, but I know I don’t want one hanging from me while I’m getting ready for a tailgate party or when I’m pedaling my butt off trying to get to my chemistry mid-term.

8. Get a Hobby

You’re gonna need something to distract you from the boring stress of school. Here are the hobbies I chose, drinking, snorting ritalin, snorting cocaine, eating mushrooms, smoking pot, drinking mushroom tea, drinking some more, having sex and smoking pot. Chose something different. Join an intramural sport, act in a play, go running, hiking, start your own video game league! You’ll meet friends, you’ll have fun and you’ll be waaay more motivated to study hard. Endorphins that are release through laughter and exercise are far more constructive to concentration and work ethic than the false emotions and feeling associated with chemicals.

7. Get a part time job

The number one thing every college kid complains of is money. They have none. But you, part time job college kid have money from your 20 hours at black jack pizza making you…the campus millionaire. This alleviates stress, creates a sense of purpose, provides structure and is another area of learning. The student who works during school WILL BE miles ahead of all the others who are to lazy to fend for them selves.

6. Call your Mom and Dad once a week

Not once a day, or once a month, once a week. This will make them feel better. This will make them feel like there money is being well spent. Parents get nervous, mine did all 9 years. First of all it’s respectful, they raised you, gave you life. The least you could do is let them know you haven’t been shot. Also it will help ground you. It will help bring things back in to perspective. Also parents have been there before. You might think you get great advice from Bubba the pothead, but trust me parents know what they are talking about.

5. Don’t Dink and Drive

If you drive drunk you will get caught. You may kill someone. It is much harder to get good grades in cellblock B than it is to get good grades sharing a dorm room with a girl who doesn’t shower. Also that fancy degree will be much harder to pay off when you can’t get a job because you have a felony on your record. One more little unknown tip, you can get a ticket for Biking while intoxicated, yes mountain biking while drunk. You can also get one for riding a razor scooter and roller blading while smashed trust me I got my BUI, SUI and ROI in the same month.

4. Go to class everyday

97.45% of students who go to class everyday finish school in four years. Yes I made that up, but it’s true that if you commit to never missing a class it will be pretty damn hard to fail. Plus it will prepare you for the daily grind of a real job. Also, say you get in a jam and you need some extra time on a paper or you need a few extra points, the teacher who sees you everyday is the teacher who will help you out.

3. Do not do any drugs.

Don’t do it, don’t think about it. Don’t take Ritalin; ADD is a fake disease that smart phones cured back in 2005. Do not do coke, take pills, LSD..no… nothing. Drugs can turn the kid who has zero history of addiction in to a full-blown addict. Drugs change your body, your brain and your life. Listen I’ve tried ‘em all so I’m not some born again preacher talking about stuff I haven’t done. I did them and I can tell you that you should not. There is absolutely nothing to be gained form doing hard drugs. Not one moment, or one friend or one feeling is worth it.

2. Don’t move in with the person you’re banging.

If you follow tip number 9 this shouldn’t be a problem. Ok, you may love him but you can move in with him the day you graduate but not a minute before. This only causes problems. You’ll be unfocused; you’ll have no alone time and your chances of getting her pregnant drastically increase. Condoms can break and so can your resolve to use them all the time. You are not at college to get married. You are at college to get a degree, have fun and get out. I moved in with a guy, I hated him. You will too. This goes back to tip number 10. All I’m saying is spend this time educating your self on what type of person you want to be with. Get to know people. Talk to them, laugh with them, be yourself. Moving in with the person your banging takes you entire college experience and reduces it to a trivial, self-defeating bad soap opera.

1. Don’t drink period.