Written By: Fiona Stockard

First Thing’s First


Okay, here’s the deal, I’m not going to sugar coat this. I’m not going to blow smoke up your t*ts for twenty minutes. I’m going get right to the answer. Date a recovering alcoholic or addict.

“But Fiona, what if they relapse?”

Shut up.

The core of this whole “should I date a recovering alcoholic or a normal guy” debate is the word normal. No one, not one soul, is normal. The guy you think is normal is most likely the craziest cat in the alley.

The Truth

Nobody is normal. We all have our issues. That’s why you should date someone in recovery, you already know their issues. They have a problem with drugs and alcohol. Do they have other issues? You bet your little judgmental a*s they do. The cool thing about people in recovery is they’ll tell you exactly what those issues are.

People in recovery love to talk about how f**ked up they are. It helps them stay sober and it helps others stay sober as well. So, date number one rolls around and you pretty much know what to look out for.

The Advantages of Dating a Guy in Recovery

The cool thing is that you know they’re working on these issues. You know they use their issues to fuel recovery.

It’s not like they say, “You know, when I drink I like to put goldfish up my butt, and eat Sour Patch Kids, and I have no plans on quitting that game anytime soon.”

Nope. Instead, they say, “When I used to drink, I’d put goldfish up my butt and eat Sour Patch Kids. I’m very ashamed of it, but if someone can relate to it, or if my story helps them in any way, then it was worth it.”

Now that’s how you explain doing stupid s**t when you were wasted!

The other cool thing about dating a recovering alcoholic or druggie is that everyday they work on becoming a better person. You’re on the ground floor of what could become one of the greatest dudes in the history of the world!

People in Recovery Battle the Pink Robots

People who’re truly in recovery get better and better everyday. Now, so called “normal people,” they don’t do that. Normal people…you know what, I hate that term. Lets call them Robots!

Okay, robots sit in their cubicles, or corner offices, talking about their material possessions, the stock market, last night’s game, the PTA meeting, whatever. This repeats for years and years. Never do they help people. Never do they really open up. They don’t get better. Robots only get worse.

Robots live their entire lives seeming to be normal robots. “Oh, Pastor Mark? He’s such a kind and companionate robot.” Bulls**t. Pastor Mark has been smoking meth behind the Waffle House for ten years. He’s been banging the pool boy. In his spare time, he tells bible stories at church. Oh, and one more thing. Pastor Mark is the one who puts goldfish up his butt and eats Sour Patch Kids and has no plans of stopping.

Robots are always going to be robots. They hide their faults. They live in secret and present fake lives to the world.

Recovering alcoholics admit their faults, face them, fix them, and strive to make themselves, and the world, a better place.

So who do you want to date, a person in recovery or a robot?

If you choose the person in recovery, I wish you nothing but the best.

If you choose the Robot, I’ll buy you some Sour Patch Kids.

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