By: Tim Myers

Recognizing One of Your Own


If you wanted to know if your classmate was gay, you’d ask the opinion of your gay friends. If you wanted to know if your cousin was a tiger, you wouldn’t ask a monkey. You’d ask another tiger. If you’re wondering if you’re hot enough to be a stripper, you wouldn’t ask your priest. You’d ask another stripper. So, if you’re wondering if your co-worker is an alcoholic, just ask another alcoholic.

Only a tiger knows what it’s like to look, walk, stalk, and smell like a tiger. Only a striper can let you know if you really have what it takes to be a stripper. If you’re trying to figure out if your classmate is gay (why do you even care?), you’ll only get an unbiased and non-judgmental opinion from one of your gay friends.

Now, assuming all the above is true, and lets just say it is – than I’m the perfect person to tell you the top five signs that your co-worker is an alcoholic. Guess why? Because, yep, I’m an alcoholic.

5) They’re Late to Work 90% of the Time


I can count on one finger how often I was on time for work when I was drinking. It almost never happened.

Ten alarms were set, but I never woke up. I put my work uniform on before I went to bed. It didn’t matter. I even slept in my car, in my work uniform, parked outside the front door of my work, and I still punched in late!

That lack of care for anything other than alcohol did it. Drinking and nursing a hangover were the only things I cared about. Since they weren’t selling alcohol in the footwear section, I didn’t give two s**ts about being on time.

4) They Always Look Like They Just Got Out of Bed


Alcoholics always looks like they’re just getting out of bed because they are always just getting out of bed! Or they’re getting off the sidewalk or out of jail.

Even when I didn’t have to be to work ‘till three in the afternoon, I still managed to sleep until 2:45. “This is great! I’ll sleep until 11, go for a jog, read a little, eat a healthy lunch, and go to work.” The alcoholic never does that. I’d always plan to, but at one in the morning that hooker on the corner, and that twenty-four hour Taco Bell, look like heaven on earth.

3) Their Car is Dented All Over


Normal people hit a pole, stop the car, and get it fixed soon after. Alcoholics hit a pole, back up, turn, hit the pole again, back up, go a block, hit another poles, smoke a cigarette and sleep until morning.

Do we get the car fixed? Nope! I’ve only got twelve dollars ‘till next Friday…that gallon of vodka costs five bucks and cigarettes cost six and my dog needs food.

2) They Call Out of Work and Claim Their Grandma Died


I feel like I need some sort of counseling or something, do you know how hard it is to give the eulogy at all fifteen of your grandmothers’ funerals? I mean, I know I should just be thankful that I’m the only kid in the history of the world who got to enjoy fifteen different grandmothers, but man! Saying goodbye to Dorothy, Sofia, Blanche, Rose, Anne, Roseanne, AnnRose, Martha 1 and 2, Dotty, Fran, Bella, Anna, Annabelle, and Dot is hard!

If your co-worker’s grandma dies and your co-worker doesn’t come in to work the next day – they’re an alcoholic and their Grandma is just fine.

1) They Always Smell Like Alcohol


That’s just what we smell like.

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