The 13th Step: Predators in Recovery

Written By: Fiona Stockard

13th Step? I Thought There Were Only 12

13th step

Ah, the sneaky little 13th Step. The little talked about, but widely known, practice of being a shady motherf**ker. One of the reasons to stay away from clubhouses. The reason for that old saying, men with men and women with women.

At this point, you may be scratching your head and wondering “thirteenth step? I thought there were only twelve-steps?” You’re not alone. Although 13th stepping is as old as AA itself, it isn’t talked about much. So, what is this 13th step?

13th stepping is the practice of someone with sober-time doing the dirty with a newcomer. It’s when someone with multiple years bumps uglys with someone with multiple days. Tired of these lame ass metaphors? Yeah, me too. 13th stepping is when some who knows better f**ks someone who doesn’t know better.

Sounds shady as hell, right? IT IS! Despite being almost as unspiritual as drinking, it’s still fairly common, especially in areas with lots of young, sober people.

Isn’t That Old Behavior?

So, we know what 13th stepping is (you still gagging? Yeah, me too). Now, the million-dollar question, why do people do it?

Why do people who are trying to “practice these principals in all our affairs” engage in such harmful behavior? Why do people, trying to grow in the image and likeness of their own God, prey on newcomers? S**t, I wish I had an easy answer for you.

There are probably a million reasons. First, remember that not everyone in recovery is a saint. A sober horse thief is still a horse thief. To put it another way, a sober predator is still a predator.

Just because someone has time, well, that doesn’t mean they’re working a program. The rooms of recovery are filled with scumbags. They’re also filled with, hands down, the best people on earth. Sadly though, the scumbags are sometimes more prevalent.

Sex feels good and there are always going to be people trying to feel good. There are always going to be people interested only in selfish satisfaction, even if AA attempts to teach us different.

Some people may not think what they’re doing is wrong. My friend’s sponsor is a great guy. He helps a ton of men and has been sober since the 80’s. He does service and makes sure the hand of AA is always available. Still, he hooked up with his wife when he had a year and she had a few days. Did he think he was 13th stepping? Probably not. They’re still together, and sober, so it worked out.

However, most of the time, the story doesn’t end with happily ever after. Most of the time, someone relapses. Usually it’s the newcomer being preyed upon. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, it’s the assh**e taking advantage of the newcomer. I mean, they’re not living by spiritual principals, anyway!

How Do We Stop 13th Stepping?

Again, I wish I had an easy answer for you. Like most harmful things in life, stopping 13th stepping is complicated. It requires education, patience, and some good ideas. Hey, good ideas? I have a few of those!

First, and this is already common practice, newcomers should stick with their own gender. The saying “women with women and men with men” was invented for a reason. In early sobriety, limit the amount of time you spend with members of the opposite sex. It’ll take your focus off God, trust me, I know. So ladies, if a guy approaches you and says he’ll sponsor you – kick him in the nuts and run away! This applies to cute guys, too!

Next, there should be education about 13th stepping. I certainly didn’t know what it was when I came into recovery. Lots of people may know about 13th stepping, but they’re not talking about it. Let’s get a dialogue going! Let’s get people sharing who tried to take advantage of them. That way, newcomers will know to stay away from those people.

Finally, I think clubhouses should have a no-tolerance policy. If someone is a known predator, kick ‘em out! I don’t care if this person has fifty years sober. Like I said above, a sober predator is still a predator!

Who The F**k Has Safe Sex?

Safe Sex in Sobriety

Written By: Anjelica G

Hey, remember those safe sex presentations they gave in school and treatment centers? Yeah, of course you do, they were also known as nap time! Remember what was said in those presentations? Nope, me neither. They were boring as hell and pretty f**king unrealistic. Who stops in the heat of the moment and says, “Hey Bobby, I can see we’re about to start bumpin’ uglies but first I need you to answer a few questions. How many sexual partners have you had? Do you have any STD’s? Do you like STD’s? When was the last time you were tested? Ever use needles? Ever share needles? What about butt-sex? I just want to be safe!”

Safe Sex | Women's Treatment Center | Women in Recovery

Are women in recovery practicing safe sex?

 No One’s Using Condoms

Let’s be honest here, no ones asking those questions. No one cares. No one’s using condoms and certainly no one’s using dental-dams or whatever the hell they things are called. Asking a guy to put a condom on is enough of a boner-kill, imagine what would happen if you whipped a dental-dam out of your pocket. Yup, you’ll never see him again. You might as well just hop up and take a cold shower, honey.

Who the f**k has safe sex anymore? But more importantly, why don’t we? Listen, I’m a woman in recovery (with a past that makes Anna Nicole Smith look like a saint) and even I just sat here for a good twenty minutes trying to think of a reason why we don’t practice safe sex. There isn’t a reason.

Is it laziness? Do we truly believe that we’re forever exempt from STD’s? Hey, Magic Johnson is still alive and kicking. Maybe we just don’t care? I really have no idea!

I’m not going to write all the dangers of unprotected sex because everyone knows them and if you don’t you’re just dumb. So, if we all know it’s bad, why do we still do it so goddamn much?

IF ANYONE SHOULD BE HAVING SAFE SEX, IT’S DRUG ADDICTS!

I see a common pattern with women in recovery. Broken, insecure women go into treatment and fall in love with some day-one-dingbat who doesn’t understand how to put his life together. For some reason, these young women always say the same thing, “Bobby understands me.” No, he doesn’t! Bobby only understands that you have a zipper on your pants and it goes down!

Once Bobby and Whitney get out of treatment, they think their rehab romance is going to last forever. What do they do? They drive the good ol’ skin bus into tuna town. They don’t think of the huge risks associated with unsafe sex. They don’t think of the even bigger risk of having unprotected sex with an IV drug user, who’s just short of thirty days clean from his three year meth and heroin bender. Sounds like you’re keeping it real safe, Whitney.

You Can’t Fix It Later

See, as addicts, we’re stubborn. We don’t learn ‘till we crash. However, STDs aren’t, in most cases, things we can fix later.

You never know if the “man” you’ve been sleeping with has been sneaking out of his halfway house to meet up with those classy chicks from backpage.com. You never know if the “man” you showed your tata’s to, behind the dumpster of your local twelve-step clubhouse, has been sharing needles with BooBoo, the HEP-C infested homeless cowboy.

So, saddle up there sweetheart, you’re in for a ride – a ride to and from the hospital, several times a month, to treat your brand new STD.

There’s no women’s treatment center you can check into to get rid of HIV. There’s no twelve-steps that help you recover from Hepatitis. No, The Doctor’s Opinion isn’t about how to cure an STD. Being a woman in early sobriety, you’re already emotionally vulnerable – don’t make your bodies vulnerable, too.