by Fiona Stockard | Jul 16, 2013 | Recovery
Addicted to Recovery
Hi, I’m Krissy and I’m an alcoholic. I grew up in a small town on the outskirts of Boston. From as far back as I can remember, I felt apart from, instead of a part of. Until I found alcohol, anyway!
I can’t remember when I learned how to tie my shoes or what my first birthday was like, but I can tell you EVERYTHING about my first drink. I can tell you where I was, who I was with, what I was wearing, even what the weather was like! After that first drink, I couldn’t imagine living my life without alcohol. For me, alcohol was a channel, a way to be comfortable in my own skin. I never realized it was going to be a catalyst for grave destruction.
In my early twenties, I worked as a bartender and went to college. Daytime drinking and partying all night were normal. Needless to say, I soon crossed that invisible line where alcohol was a need and no longer a want. I’d tell myself I needed alcohol to feel normal, or that I’d just have one. Turns out one drink is too many and a thousand drinks are never enough. When the party was over, when everyone was moving on with their lives, I was left alone. I was left alone with my disease.
It wasn’t too long before I found myself suffering from an anxiety disorder. I unsuccessfully tried to fix this with alcohol. Panic attacks dominated daily life, which, in turn, fueled my addiction. The only solution I knew was alcohol.
By now, I was drinking every night, often to the point of functioning blackouts. I found myself in jails, hospitals, and more unfamiliar places than I can count, but I still wasn’t willing to admit I had a problem. However, I was willing to quit drinking for long stretches. Of course, these would be followed by destructive relapses. Half-measures availed me nothing!
I was told, on my last trip to the ER, if I continued down this road, I’d die. By the next morning, I was willing to admit total surrender to my disease. I admitted that I was an alcoholic, powerless and hopeless. I crawled my ass into a sunrise meeting, broken and scared. This is when my recovery journey began.
Honesty, openness, and willingness were taught to me. I walked through hell for over a decade and I was finally ready to experience freedom. I opened up my heart and my mind. Amazingly, the mental obsession began to lift and people could see glimpses of my old self peaking through.
Today, I am truly grateful to feel what it’s like to be recovering from my disease. I’m finally at peace with my past. I have a sponsor, work the steps, and participate in service to keep myself focused in my recovery. My life has miraculously changed and for that – I’m truly grateful.
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by Sally Rosa | Jun 27, 2013 | 12 Steps
When I came to, metaphorically and literally, in my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I knew I’d met my match. See, even at twenty years old, sitting in a musty room with people double and triple my age, I felt at home. Not at home like when I sank into my bed and spent the evening with a sexy little bottle of Evan Williams. At home like even though I knew nothing of AA, I knew I’d found my answer.
Now, let’s not get it twisted! I didn’t walk into my first AA meeting with birds chirping, rainbows shining, and friends cheering, “Hey Buddy! You’ve arrived! Welcome Home!” No, I walked in that damn door with the triangle because I was out of options.
See, my entire life I knew Alcoholics Anonymous existed. Growing up, I wasn’t the most well behaved child. Drugs and alcohol played a huge role in my poor behavior and AA was usually where I was sent as punishment. Not to mention, my best friend’s parents have been sober our entire lives. They’ve also been very active in the AA community in our town. Meanwhile, we were always in trouble. We were always caught doing the wrong thing, at the wrong time. We’d end up banished to AA meetings for several hours. I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to relate. I’d spend the entire meeting thinking about how AA was such a cult. As I got older, my drinking and drugging got worse. I tried therapy, moderation, and different “maintenance plans.” I tried everything I could think of to piece my life together. Everything except going to meetings!
Finally, when I was ready for help, I knew where to go – Alcoholics Anonymous. When I was ready to accept help, to get honest about my addiction, my perception of AA changed. This wasn’t some creepy cult, this was a wonderful service that existed solely to provide help for an addict like me! I didn’t have to pay anything, there weren’t any crazy rituals, and there wasn’t anything too intellectually hard to swallow.
Here I am, four years later, twenty-four years old and sober! For years, I resisted going to AA for one reason or another. I have every excuse in the book. I was too young, I wasn’t an alcoholic, I could do those damn steps by myself, and so on. However, when I was all out of options, when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, I knew I couldn’t live filled with addiction. Alcoholics Anonymous was there for me. They welcomed me. Alcoholics Anonymous provided the steps, the structure, and the support I desperately needed. Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life. Alcoholics Anonymous gave me a life far better than any I could have imagined.
by Fiona Stockard | May 10, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Benefits of Sobriety
Fun in Sobriety?
The first time I tried to get sober I was 19. This was December, 2006. I’d dropped out of college after the first semester of my sophomore year. I thought I was like every other nineteen year old girl. Turns out, most nineteen year olds can go to class sober. Turns out most nineteen year olds don’t black out every night.
My parents realized long before I did how unmanageable my life was. They sent me to rehab and that’s where I perfected the art of telling people what they wanted to hear, of sliding under the radar. I wanted to have the willingness to get sober, but the truth is, I just didn’t. See, getting sober wasn’t worth it to me. I thought you couldn’t have fun in sobriety. I wouldn’t get sober for another five and a half years.
During this time, I didn’t much fun at all. I laughed sometimes, but always at the expense of someone else. I laughed because making fun of someone else made me feel better about myself. I gossiped because it made me feel better about myself.
Fake Fun in Fake Sobriety
I had periods of abstinence during those five plus years, but never actually worked a program. I couldn’t imagine a life without drugs or alcohol, let alone being able to have fun sober.
The truth is, during those periods of abstinence, I still had all my old behaviors. I lied, cheated, stole, and manipulated. I just didn’t use substances. I felt even worse during this time, if that makes sense. I didn’t have drugs to cover my feelings. I was a raw nerve and living a miserable existence. I remember doing activities that should have been fun. I even thought I was having fun sometimes. Really, I was just trying to fake it ’till I made it.
I thought if I didn’t change my attitude, or behaviors, but laughed when other people did, it might rub off on me. That didn’t happen. After awhile, I didn’t think sober people could have fun at all. I thought everyone else was doing what I was, faking a happy life. So, I went on one hell of a run. I used for a year and a half. During this time, some very close to me passed away. It was only then that I began to realize my crippling addiction. It was only then I began to realize I didn’t want to live this way anymore.
Real Fun in Real Sobriety
My sobriety date is January 17, 2011. I got sober on my 24th birthday. I’d love to say that I did the right thing from the start, that I finally had willingness, but I didn’t. I had to experience more pain, this time while in treatment, to become willing.
I was in an intensive inpatient treatment center for seven months. After about six months, I found what would become, and still is, my home group. I remember going to this meeting and seeing so many young people smiling, so many young people having fun. The crazy part was they were sober! You mean I can have fun in sobriety? This was a new idea for me. I saw clients returning from pass with sober-supports. They were happy and looked like they were having fun. This boggled my mind. I asked myself hundreds of times “are they really having fun in sobriety?”
I realized these people were only happy because they’d worked through the twelve-steps and found a new way of life. I decided I wanted what they had. I got a sponsor who began to take me through the steps. Eventually, I did a fifth step and learned my life had been driven by self-centered fear. I started going out with people after meetings. I slowly began to have fun in sobriety.
Still, I wasn’t 100% sure what people actually did for fun in sobriety. I soon learned, you do the same thing normal people do! You go out to dinner, to movies, to concerts, to friends’ houses. To this day, some of the best moments I’ve had have been sitting at a friend’s apartment, just talking and laughing.
I remember being in a friend’s car one day. We were joking around, laughing, and generally having a good time. He looked at me and said “If I knew sobriety was this fun, I’d have gotten sober a long time ago!” I couldn’t agree more. I thank God everyday for finding me a home in Alcoholics Anonymous. I think God everyday for the simple fact that I can be happy. I thank God everyday for being able to have fun in sobriety.
by A Women in Sobriety | Dec 21, 2012 | Addiction Treatment, Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
Fake It ‘Till You Make It
“Fake it ’till you make it” is one of the many slogans I heard early on in AA. I thought most of the slogans were stupid, but this one, I could never really wrap my head around it.
Fake…what, ’till I make…what? Fake my smile? Fake my laugh? Fake my sobriety?
Now that’s an interesting take on a commonly used slogan! I began to fake my sobriety, I began to wear a mask.
Fake Sobriety
I was told early on that action precedes thought. That if I take an action, my thoughts would change too.
So, I took the first action and many more after that. I went to meetings. I raised my hand to speak. I shared my experience, strength, and hope (I know now I was only sharing my craziness!). I talked to new girls. I really did “act as if.”
I got high on some weekends, plain and simple. I didn’t use every weekend. By this point, most of my friends were sober. The guy I was dating was sober. I couldn’t afford to use every weekend, but now-and-again, I’d sneak off and get loaded.
I prayed. I wasn’t honest with myself though, so there was no way I was honest with God.
I became the queen of recovery! Everyone thought I was doing so well. Hell, that’s all that matters anyway, right? My parents were off my back. My legal issues had all been resolved. I had a “great” life. I literally faked it and made it. I found the loophole!
Well, as soon as I thought I found that loophole, I started to get sloppy. I couldn’t control my hidden use anymore. It wasn’t every third weekend anymore. It was everyday. The mental, emotional, and spiritual torture was too much. I stopped going out. I stayed home, hiding from friends. I watched the entire series of LOST (which I still don’t get!) and it was a pretty great metaphor for my life. I was lost!
I basically lost everything all over again, except for my job. I couldn’t lose my job, it was the only way I was supporting my expensive as hell drug habit. To put it another way, I let the s**t hit the fan. Finally, I reached out for help.
Let’s be honest here. I didn’t reach out for help, I was caught. My boyfriend finally noticed that when I went out, I came home with tiny pupils. He found the bottle of gin under my bed (yeah, I still wonder what he was doing under there too). I came clean. I let it all out. I admitted I had been faking it, I was never truly sober.
Here’s the deal, I wanted to be sober. When I was high, I messed everything up. I spent a ton of money. I became a lone wolf. The people that loved me got hurt. Those things all suck. BUT, did I want to be sober because I couldn’t imagine never drinking another beer? Because I couldn’t imagine snorting another pill? At this point, nope.
Real Sobriety!
I finally got a sponsor and came clean about what was going on in my life. I still fight this battle everyday though. I have 100% faith that AA works. I’ve seen it work in hundreds of people. I’ve seen the change and growth occur in my friends and even some family members.
Still, I’m “faking it ’till I make it.” This time though, I’m being honest. I’m staying sober in spit of myself. I know the truth, my best thinking isn’t the best at all.
I have no idea what’s going to happen. I have no idea if all of a sudden a lightbulb will go off and I’ll truly have made it. Maybe I’ll always be faking it. I just know that today my life is good. I smile. For the first time in my life, I’m honest. That’s all I have and for today, that’s more than enough!
