by Sally Rosa | Apr 11, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.”
What’s The Definition of Powerlessness and Unmanageability
The definition of powerless is “being unable to do something, or unable stop doing something; lacking strength or power; helpless and totally ineffectual.”
The definition of unmanageable is “difficult or impossible to manage; given to resisting control or discipline by others.”
What Do These Mean When Related to Alcohol and Our Lives?
What powerlessness means to me is drinking against my will. If I’m unable to stop drinking, well, how can I think I’m able to control my life? Even with incredible willpower and a genuine desire to stop, I had no choice. I had to drink and once I started drinking I couldn’t stop. That’s because alcoholism is a disease.
Have you ever said the following things as a result of alcoholism? I know I have.
- I can’t keep a job
- I’ve lost all my money and savings
- I’ve lost all my friends and no one in my family will talk to me
- I’ve gotten DUI’s
- I have liver disease
- I’ve been to the hospital three times for alcohol poisoning!
- My spouse divorced me
- I’ve been to rehab multiple times
The First Step
It makes perfect sense why this is the first step of recovery! I mean, how am I going to stay sober and grow spiritually if I can’t even believe that I’m an alcoholic?
We have to know, and I mean really know, that we have no control whatsoever over alcohol. We have to know that if we drink, even one drink, our lives will soon spiral out-of-control. Those of us who’ve relapsed (and I’m one of them) know that when we drink, life gets worse and worse.
The first step is a relief for many. The first step is a kind of freedom. Being able to admit and come to terms with being an alcoholic is the start of a new chapter. Being able to openly accept and admit that our drinking and lives are unmanageable is a new beginning.
Those who can’t admit powerlessness and unmanageability may have a reservation to drink again. Don’t get discouraged! Many alcoholics find it hard to admit, at first. Through honestly working the rest of the twelve-steps, our perspectives change. To put it another way, the twelve-steps show us a part of ourselves we never knew existed!
by Sally Rosa | Mar 25, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Twelve-Step Meetings Keep Us Sober!
Going to your first meeting sucks! It’s nerve-wracking, scary, overwhelming, and generally unpleasant all around. We don’t know what to expect, how to act, or when to speak. Basically, we’re clueless!
I know one of the main reasons meetings scared me was because I didn’t know the guidelines. I was afraid of accidentally crossing a boundary and embarrassing myself! While there are a ton of different types of twelve-step meetings, their guidelines are usually the same. Here are some tips and tricks for proper twelve-step meeting etiquette. Now, get off your ass and hit a meeting!
Women’s Meetings and Men’s Meetings
Co-ed meetings are intimidating! When I was newly sober, boys scared me! I didn’t feel comfortable sharing around them, much less reaching out to them. That second point was probably good for me!
There are gender specific meetings for just this reason. Men share their issues with other men and women share their issues with other women. It’s a beautiful thing.
Cross-Talk
Cross-talk is when someone shares directly to someone else. This might sound harmless, but in a room full of addicts and their egos? Well, then cross-talk is serious business.
We should respect each other and our unique struggles! We can’t control what others say and do, but we don’t have to be an assh**e to them. Disrespecting people should be avoided at all costs, especially in meetings, especially the newcomer.
If someone says something that isn’t right, mistakenly or not, the proper reaction is to ignore them. Move on, with open ears, to what others have to say. Remember, acceptance is the answer to ALL our problems.
Being on Time
Although all are welcome, it’s respectful to arrive at the meeting on time. You’ll never be asked to leave if you’re late, but showing up late is old behavior. Do the best you can to make it on time and to not disturb the meeting.
Cellphones
It’s important to give your full attention to the meeting. Don’t be that girl on her phone, you know the one I’m talking about!
Make sure your phone is on vibrate and put away. It’s respectful to the chairperson, speaker, and everyone else in the meeting.
If there’s an emergency, you’re allowed to answer your phone, but walk outside first!
AA and NA
NA, or Narcotics Anonymous, meetings are typically associated with drug addiction. AA, or Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are confined to problems with alcohol.
Here’s the thing, there’s no need to feel unwelcome in AA just because you used drugs. Most people in AA were also drug addicts! In AA meetings, just replace words like drugs and using with alcohol and drinking. Addiction is addiction regardless of the substance. Addiction doesn’t discriminate and neither do twelve-step meetings.
Anonymous Facilities
Refrain from talking about specific halfway-houses, treatment centers, or detox centers. It’s okay to mention these broadly, but don’t give specific names. We all have different experiences and the meeting is about these experiences (strength and hope!), not about facilities.
Anonymity
This one might be kind of obvious, but twelve-step meetings are anonymous! They’re for alcoholics and addicts to come together and share honestly. We need to be comfortable enough to talk about what happened, what life was like, and what life’s like now. That feeling of comfort doesn’t happen if people talk about what’s said outside of the room.
Again, don’t be that girl! Don’t talk outside the rooms about people you’ve seen or things you’ve heard. Everyone should be respected and left anonymous.
Time Constraints
It’s important to limit your shares to a few minutes. Some meetings offer a timekeeper, who’ll notify you when your time is up. Keeping your shares limited to a couple minutes allows everyone to have the same chance to share.
If you find your way to twelve-step meeting, these are some simple suggestions. The traditions are in place to ensure that everyone finds the help that they need!
by Sally Rosa | Jan 20, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
The Invaluable Task of Making Amends
When I think about the ninth step, I think about god. I can’t help it! During the ninth step is when god came to me. It says in the Big Book that god comes to some slowly and to some all at once. I was blessed to have a white-light experience. It happened when I took a trip home, to make amends.
I’ll get to the good stuff soon, but first let me tell you a little about myself.
My Story
I was raised by a very loving and religious family. God was a huge part of my life, until I turned fourteen. Around that time I consciously turned my back on the belief system I was raised with. Why?, you ask. I met a boy.
He lived in a trailer park, rode a motorcycle, and had bad written all over him. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I mention this bad boy because he’s a huge part of my journey AND a huge part of my ninth step.
I drank for the first time when I was sixteen. I didn’t have that much talked about “I’ve arrived” feeling. I did drink three times as much as everyone else, though. I acted like an idiot, like really an idiot. I ended up locked in a basement, by myself. This was a theme of my drinking career, going overboard. I’d always drink more, do more, need more than everyone else. Back at sixteen though? Back then, we had fun.
By the time I was eighteen, that bad boy? He put me in the hospital. This was the first time I’d been betrayed by one of my solutions. I used going to the ER as an excuse to drink harder and more often. Somewhere around this time is when I crossed that invisible line. That line you can’t EVER uncross.
Now drinking wasn’t a luxury, but a necessity. I finally left the bad boy, but not for any positive reason. He got in the way of my drinking! I have to laugh when I look back on the absurdity of it. More and more people seemed to be getting in the way of my drinking. Soon, I ended up alone. I ended up physically, spiritually, and mentally alone. I’d managed to offend, manipulate, and push away everyone who loved me.
I had some sort of moment of clarity. I don’t know where it came from, but I decided I couldn’t do this anymore. I decided I needed help. For years, this was obvious to everyone else, but I remained oblivious. I reached out to my family and started the most awkward month of my life! The month of trying to get into treatment.
During this month, my family tiptoed around me. They tried their best not to set me off (I was VERY easy to set off). The night before I came to south Florida for treatment, I saw my father cry. This was the first time I’d ever seen him cry. He sat on my bed and held his face in his hands. He asked me, through tears, where I’d disappeared to. I’d never seen this much pain in his face. I’ve never seen as much pain on anyone’s face since. I’ll always remember that night.
The Path to Recovery
I didn’t get this recovery deal right away. I didn’t understand there was actually another way to live. I drank soon after leaving treatment. I struggled. Still, I had a sponsor and was starting to grow. Well, I wanted to grow, anyway.
I managed to stay sober for a few days and began to work the steps. Around the third step, I said my first honest prayer. I asked God to remove my obsession to drink. God didn’t remove this obsession right away, but he did send me some amazing people. These people were laughing, smiling, and talking about God!
I started to write my fourth step. Then, one day, I got a phone call. My teenage heartthrob bad boy had passed away. I was devastated. I was broken. I was ready to drink. I was faced with the choice we all face in early sobriety – to start drinking and go on to the bitter end, or to live and accept spiritual help. I chose to live. I started my fifth step and told another woman how sick I really was. She hugged me and told me she’d never been prouder of me.
I worked steps six and seven. My defects were revealed to me and to my sponsor. I asked God to remove them. Afterwards, I was ready to make my list of amends. Not only was I ready to make this list, but I was ready to find the willingness to face the people I’d hurt. I was ready to take ownership of the mistakes I made and the harm I caused.
Here we are at my ninth step, at my white-light experience.
When I Met God
I was sitting in the airport, about to go home and face the people I’d wronged. I was sitting there and saw a man standing at the check-in desk. He looked terrified. I don’t know what was going on with him, but it suddenly hit me. OTHER PEOPLE HAVE FEAR! Not only fear, but they have feelings. They have feelings that are just as important as my feelings!
This was a VERY new thought. Up to that moment, the entire world revolved around me and what I wanted., I became overwhelmed with compassion for this stranger. In that one moment, everything changed. I became aware of my surroundings and all the people there. I felt gratitude, love, and compassion for each and every one of them. I had a spiritual awakening.
I ran onto the plane, and into my family’s home in Massachusetts, on fire. I made amends with my father. I told him from this point forward I’d be the daughter he raised me to be. I saw my father cry for the second time that day. This time, though, it was for a completely different reason.
I was able to make a graveside amends to my bad boy. That experience was incredible. The only amends I could make to him was the one where I lived. I promised him that I’d never stay when I knew I should go. I haven’t. These promises I was making turned into the morals and values I use to live my life
When I sat down to make amends to my sister, not one thing I’d planned to say came out. I saw things differently, before I even opened my mouth. I realized that over our entire lives I’d taken all our family’s attention. Even though she’d always done the right thing, I’d taken all of her space. There wasn’t any room for her because of how big I’d made myself.
When I returned to Florida, I returned a different person. Since then, I’ve seen this happen to numerous different women. They leave to make amends and, in the process, they become women of integrity. They become women with enormous hearts, enormous amounts of courage.
My ninth step changed the entire world for me. I was awake, aware, and grateful. Now, two years later, I’m still making amends! I’m sure I’ll be making amends for the rest of my life., Fortunately, the worst thing I’ve done is sobriety is steal someone’s cupcake. I had to make amends for that too! It was pretty humbling.
Want to know the most beautiful part about sobriety? Every time I make a mistake, I get an opportunity to grow.
by A Women in Sobriety | Aug 20, 2013 | Drug Addiction
Discover the Truth About Yourself
How do I know if I’m an elephant? How do I know if I’m a tiger? How do I know if I’m an alcoholic? Well, if you have a trunk and you’re the largest land mammal around, you’re an elephant! If you’re a wild cat with orange and black stripes, are owned by Siegfried and Roy (or if you’re a professional golfer with a Nike endorsement and have cheated on your wife), you’re a tiger! Those two are easy.
How do you know if you’re an alcoholic, though? That isn’t an easy question to answer. Unlike being an elephant or tiger, appearances and behaviors aren’t exclusive signs of alcoholism. Yes, alcoholics have some general characteristics, but there aren’t any exclusive traits. That homeless guy holding a sign and sleeping under a bridge? He’s probably an alcoholic, but all alcoholics aren’t homeless. So, the answer to whether you’re an alcoholic is elusive and, at times, subjective. How do we answer this question? How can I tell if I am an alcoholic?
My Moment of Clarity
Well, a few years ago, I was in upstate New York. I was in a hair salon, asking myself this very question. I was reading Reader’s Digest, while the toxic fumes of AquaNet burned my nose. A few pages into Reader’s Digest, I saw a questionnaire titled “How Do I Know If I’m an Alcoholic?” It was a multiple-choice, ten question test. I was like “perfect! I’ll finally know!”
I borrowed a pen from the front dest and began to answer the first question. As soon as my pen hit paper, an eighty-year old woman snatched the magazine from my hands. “Oh, honey, only alcoholic’s take that test,” she said. “I’m not an alcoholic, just curious.” I replied. She smiled and shook her head. “No, you’re not just curious, you’re an alcoholic.”
Okay, now I’m getting pissed. This old broad has no idea who I am and here she is judging me! She’s judging me just because I wanted to take some stupid Reader’s Digest quiz! Somehow, I kept my cool and asked her “how do you know I’m an alcoholic?”
“Well, the non-alcoholic person doesn’t wonder. They don’t ask themselves questions, they don’t even let the thought cross their mind, See, for them, being an alcoholic isn’t even an option, because alcohol isn’t that important to them. They don’t need it. So, if they had couple rough nights, or even a rough couple of weeks, they stop and that’s it. But, the person who puts pen to that test is struggling with the idea of alcoholism. They’re wrestling with the concept of not drinking. They’re fighting against the idea of a better life without alcohol. That’s how I know you’re an alcoholic! Plus, your car has an empty bottle in the back seat, your eyes are bloodshot from last night, and you still smell like booze,” she replied. She knew!
It turned out she was a recovering alcoholic herself, with over forty years in recovery. Guess what else. It turned out she was right. I was an alcohol. How did she know and I didn’t? How did she know YEARS before I did?
Well, if I’m wondering if I’m a tiger, I’m going to get the best possible answer from a tiger. If I’m wondering if I’m an alcoholic, I’m going to get the best possible answer from another alcoholic. We know what despair feels like. What know what despair smells like, looks like, walks like, and talks like.
So, if you’re asking yourself if you may be an alcoholic, go to a meeting and ask someone. Ask someone with a few years sober. Hell, ask someone with a few months sober (who’s worked the steps, of course). They may tell you “yes.” They may tell you “no.” Regardless, they’ll be able to help like no one else.
