by A Women in Sobriety | Nov 10, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Body Image / Eating Disorders
How It All Started
At the age of twelve, I started to feel different about myself. I saw flaws and didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. It was the summer and I remember looking in my friends mirror and seeing my body for what felt like the first time.
I hated my body. All I can see was fat and it scared me.
I made a mental note that I was going to change this. For the whole six weeks of summer, I was going to make my body different.
I started by running everywhere when out playing with my friends. Then I slowly cut back on eating. No snacks, eating less at dinner, etc. Before I knew it, I was hardly eating anything at all and exercising all day.
I used to go to tell my family I was going to bed at six. Really, I’d exercise in my room constantly until eleven. My parents found me going to bed this early strange, but I made excuses. That’s one thing anorexia is good for – making up lies so it doesn’t get found out.
When it came to time to eat and people were around, I’d pretend to dish myself up food and eat it. If they were watching me closely, I’d even put food on my plate. Then I started to hide food.
I’d wear clothes with pockets so when people weren’t looking, I could quickly stuff food into them. I’d tip my drink down the back of the sofa and flush food down the toilet. If I ate, my brain wouldn’t be happy.
My anorexia started with my in control, but ended with my losing completely control, rather quickly too.
Anorexia Takes Over
I was admitted to an adolescent mental health unit by the age of thirteen. Sadly, this facility was no help to me at all. The longer I was there, the more anorexic I became. The longer I was there, the more ingrained my eating disorder became.
They staff didn’t understand eating disorders and I was surrounded by people with serious mental illnesses. Not like me. Of course, I know see how sick I was.
Slowly, I became more and more depressed. My brain wouldn’t give me even one moment of peace. I just couldn’t escape. My mind and body were deteriorating. That’s when I turned to self-harm.
At first, it gave me some form of release. It made me feel a tiny bit better, if only for a minute. It was the same when I started acting out on anorexia. It made me feel better about myself. I could never please the voices in my head, though. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
From Bad to Worse
I was in and out of that adolescent unit until the age of fifteen. Then I was sent to a specialized eating disorder unit. I hated ever moment. I hated being made to eat. It terrified me.
I still found ways of hiding food, though. By this time, I’d also started to make myself sick. I couldn’t stand to keep any food in my body. I hated the feeling of being full. It drove me mad. It scared me. It tormented me.
Eventually, the nurses found out I was throwing up and I had to have someone come to the toilet with me. I also had to have someone follow me around all day, but I still found ways to cheat.
I’m not proud of what I did, but deep down I know it wasn’t really me doing it.
I began to throw up into things in my room. Video boxes, my wash bag, even the floor if I was desperate.
I stayed in this eating disorder unit for three more years. By the time I turned eighteen, I could no longer stay on the adolescent unit. I wasn’t allowed to leave of my own free will, either.
My parents couldn’t even take me home. I remember them being told to leave. I watched them from my window. At that moment, my whole world fell apart. I hit the absolute bottom.
I started to learn how to cope with my illness. I started to become a healthier weight. I was still underweight, but getting healthier. The doctors and nurses noticed and I was finally allowed to go home.
She Lost Everything
I did well until I reached twenty, when I relapsed. This wasn’t my first relapse, mind you, but this was the first time I’d managed to live successfully for years before everything came crashing down.
I was sent to a different eating disorder unit and it was the worst experience of my life. The staff didn’t understand at all. We were left for whole days with nothing to do.
I slept away most of my time there. Eventually, though, it all became too much. I started to fight to get better. This wasn’t ‘cause I wanted to get better, but because I couldn’t stand to be there for another minute. It was pure hell.
A Cycle of Relapse
Eventually, I discharged after I reached my target weight. Things went well for another few years. I was happy and life seemed good. I managed to stay out of any mental health units…until I turned twenty-four.
At twenty-four years old, I relapsed again. This time things didn’t get as bad as they had in the past. Still, I needed help, so I was admitted to a day unit. This time I had a very different experience!
I met some wonderful and lovely people there. I met some of my closest friends there. That was two years ago. In the past two years, I have relapsed. I haven’t gone back to the beginning though.
That’s what those suffering from an eating disorder have to hold on to. Yes, you may relapse, but it’s a different stage of relapse. It becomes easier to return to normality, to recovery.
Although I’ve never been fully rid of the illness, I’ve had times where I can manage it and live with it in health. If you relapse, admit it to yourself! Admit you’ve fallen, dust yourself off, and get back up.
There’s HOPE
We have to be strong! Eating disorders are cunning and find ways to creep back into our lives, especially when we’re most vulnerable. We can fight!
We can realize the feeling eating disorders offer is a lie. It doesn’t give us control. No, it takes away control. Eating disorders control us. “Life” with this illness isn’t life at all. Life with this illness is merely existing, not living.
There may be times you want to give up and die because it seems easier than fighting the voice in your head. There may be times you want to quit life because it seems easier than dealing with the torment and self-hatred.
There’s more to life than anorexia. I promise you. Eating disorders don’t want you to realize this.
It’s definitely a long and hard road, but no matter how long it takes – don’t give up! Don’t let it win! It’s time to get your life back!
I never thought that I’d suffer from this illness for over half my life. If I could turn back the clock, I’d never stopped eating. I didn’t plan to be anorexic. It simply took over.
It became me, until I was nothing but anorexia and I lost every tiny part of myself. I lost my friends, family, and relationships. This illness doesn’t give you anything. It just takes and takes. It takes everything.
If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with anorexia or any other eating disorder, keep fighting! One day it’ll get easier! One day you’ll get who you really are back. One day you’ll see that all this fighting’s been worth it!
You’re worth so much more than this illness. I promise you, you are! Always stay strong and remember you’re not alone. Always stay strong and remember we can all change!
Find Rayne87 on Instagram to learn more about her amazing story!
by Fiona Stockard | Aug 6, 2013 | Body Image / Eating Disorders
A Different Kind of Freedom
Breaking free from an eating disorder can be tremendously challenging, but it’s so worth it! There’s this beautiful freedom that comes from ending the war between yourself and your body. For those who want to recover, the question is how? How can we recover from an eating disorder?
Recovery is accomplished through acceptance, understanding, and education. Simple as that. Well, it’s simple, but it ain’t easy!
Acceptance
First, we have to identify and accept that poor body image and an eating disorder is a problem. That’s the first step towards recovery. This step is scary and overwhelming, I know! I’ve been there.
Most scientific research shows that poor body image and eating disorders cause distorted patterns of thinking. These include obsessive thoughts of food as a way of dealing with emotional issues. Okay, sounds right to me. So, acceptance here is a form of success and strength. Those with poor body image and an eating disorder can make better decisions once they disengage from unhealthy eating habits and thought patterns.
Understanding
Understanding how our minds and bodies work is so important to overcoming an eating disorder. It’s important to understand how our minds and bodies require healthy nutrition to maintain homeostasis and stimulate healthy thought patters.
Our body requires energy to carry out essential brain activity. When we restrict, binge, or purge, our thinking becomes distorted. Providing our bodies with nutrients, coupled with a span of time free from unhealthy eating behavior, changes how our brains process information.
Once this change takes place, our minds begin to clear. This allows us to accept our issues and learn new coping skills. In turn, these coping skills replace our eating disorder with a healthy alternative. Often, we’re afraid to change because then we’ll be out of control. I know my eating disorder was rooted in control. When I was restricting, I was in control. Obviously, this wasn’t the case at all. Again, my thinking was warped as a result of my unhealthy behavior.
Education
The more we learn and understand how poor body image and eating disorders affect out body, the more likely we are to seek help and recovery. Educating ourselves on the health issues associated with eating disorders and poor body image give us power. What’s the old phrase? Knowledge is power!
By learning about eating disorders, we gain three main benefits.
-We learn how poor body image and eating disorders negatively effect our health.
-We learn how to identify how and why recovery is so important.
-We learn that we’re not alone! Millions of people suffer from poor body image and eating disorders.
Acceptance, understanding and education are the keys to freedom!
by Fiona Stockard | Jul 27, 2013 | Body Image / Eating Disorders
Anorexia Kills!
Anorexia affects MILLIONS of people each year. If that weren’t scary enough, the amount of deaths caused directly by anorexia has SKYROCKETED over the last five year.
Got your attention? Good! It’s important to be aware of the warning signs of anorexia. This way, you can tell if a loved one has an eating disorder. The best way to identify these triggers, fears, and other warning signs is from a recovered woman!
A recovered member of the Addiction and Body Imaging Recovery Alliance shared her story and provided the below information.
Her Story
I’m not sure when I became anorexic, but my obsession with food and dieting started at nineteen. I became infatuated with the attention I received after I started to lose weight! Needless to say, the thinner I got, the harder it was to hide my eating disorder. I’d wear baggy clothes because I was afraid people would notice my rapid weight loss and force me to eat!
I was obsessive about my daily activities, making sure to always have something scheduled during mealtimes. I’d run for breakfast, work for lunch, and drink for dinner. It wasn’t long before people began to notice my unhealthy habits. In the beginning, the more weight I lost, the more compliments I received, and the better I felt. After a little while, those compliments turned into comments about my health.
I firmly believe it was the people in my life that saved my life! They recognized the warning signs of anorexia that went beyond extreme weight loss. These signs aren’t easy to see, because eating disorders are a disease of secrecy. I know I went to great lengths to hide mine! My loved ones noticed my dull eyes, brittle hair, fatigue, fainting spells, even my pale complexion! Slowly, people began to ask if I was going through any serious health issues. I denied everything.
However, as time went on, people began to notice my strange habits. Things like going directly to the bathroom after means, cutting my food into tiny pieces and pushing it all over my plate, obsessively talking about how overweight I was, and severe mood swings. They noticed that even small things like going to the grocery store, resulted in huge emotional outbursts. See, I’d read all the food labels, obsessively, until I burst into tears.
By this time, my eating disorder was evident. It was difficult for my family and friends to approach me with their concerns though. I was in intense denial and had NO intentions of changing. Still, I was approached over and over in respectful, non-confrontational ways. These talks of concern and love slowly made me willing to listen. In the end, I became willing to see a food counselor. It was there I learned the truth about my eating disorder. Soon after, I was on the road to recovery.
So, what are the warning signs of anorexia? Be on the lookout for extreme weight loss, strange eating habits, obsession with food and calories, excessive exercise, hair loss, and inconsistent emotional states. These are the major warning signs. Now, everyone’s different and may exhibit their eating disorder in a unique way. Still, knowing the above signs is a huge help.
Eating disorders can be treated! Remaining recovered though? Well, that’s a a lifelong journey. Treating anorexia may involve seeking psychological help, as well as nutritional and dietary support. Medical monitoring also helps tremendously.
Talk to a doctor if you fear that you, or a loved one, is suffering from the warning signs of anorexia!
by Fiona Stockard | Jul 19, 2013 | Body Image / Eating Disorders
Alcoholism and Anorexia
In terms of healthy body image, living in a resort town was really intimidating! I was obsessed with going out every night. I was obsessed with looking sexy! There was a problem though, I wasn’t as thin as my friends.
I found myself full of self-pity and jealousy. One night, staring down into my empty cocktail glass, I realized that drinking actually made me full! I could probably lose weight if I supplemented my meals with alcohol! I thought I’d found the golden ticket to being thin.
I began skipping breakfast, running five miles a day, working all evening in a bar (which burned a ton of calories), and then going out all night. As the weeks moved forward, I realized I was losing weight at a rapid rate! At 5’8″, I dropped from 135 pounds to 97 in only a few months.
Of course, there was a downside to my rapid weight loss. I was suffering from anemia, hair loss, extreme dehydration, depression, and constant anxiety. On top of all that, my lack of eating was contributing to daily alcoholic blackouts.
The Progression of Alcoholism and Anorexia
A year later, I was so thin that I agreed to participate in counseling, at the repeated urging of friends. Soon, I was clinically diagnosed with anorexia. Of course, I was in complete denial. I had a problem? No way!
I continued down my destructive path because I was so obsessed with the attention I was getting. Everyone told me how thin I was and how I looked like a model. I continued to visit my counselor and slowly began to learn about what I was doing to my body. She told me about how the lack of nutrients in my body was causing it to process alcohol slower. So, that explained my blackouts! A healthy liver can metabolize one drink an hour. Mine could metabolize one drink every few hours. My counselor told me how much liver damage I was doing to myself.
I still wasn’t ready to change, but I was ready to listen. I learned that alcoholism is significantly more harmful to woman than men. This is because women don’t possess an enzyme that helps metabolize alcohol. I learned that women who drink frequently are at a greater risk for cirrhosis of the liver than men, even if they drink less, or for shorter periods of time. I learned that if I continued to drink alcoholically, and deprive my body of key nutrients, I’d soon end up with cirrhosis or pancreatitis.
The Turning Point
Here I was at the turning point. I had to make a decision about my life. I was battling two evils, alcoholism and anorexia. Finally, after several trips to the ER, I decided I was ready to admit total defeat. I accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic, an anorexic, and if I didn’t seek help soon, I’d die.
I got a sponsor and began to work a strong recovery program. I went through the twelve-steps to regain my spirituality. Through the steps, I also found emotional wellbeing and a healthy body image. I began to truly experience the freedom of bondage to my alcoholism and eating disorder.
Today, I continue to work a program, because I believe recovery’s a life-long journey. I’m truly grateful for all the experiences in my life. I’m truly grateful to have been given the gift of freedom.
