by Fiona Stockard | Oct 4, 2016 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
I Stayed Sober & She Relapsed…Why?
Remember that friend I talked about last week? The one who I was inseparable from? The one who ran into the boys’ apartment to get water to put out that fire?
Well, she called me not too long ago. We haven’t spoken in a LONG time, years at least I just celebrated seven years of continuous sobriety (yes, weekends and holidays count!). She just got out of treatment…again.
It sucked to hear that. I was so bummed! Here’s a woman who did almost all the same things as me in early-sobriety. We got into trouble together. We got better together. I stayed sober. She didn’t.
Why is that? Why was I able to stay sober for years (and hopefully continue to stay sober for many more), while she relapsed?
Ultimately, I don’t know. I have some ideas, but they’re only ideas. I’ll share them with you below. I’ll also share the story of the first time she drank and how much that crushed me.
Chronic Relapser
I should probably mention two things here. First, my friend’s name is Cindy. It feels weird to keep calling her “her.” Second, Cindy’s a chronic relapser. Since I’ve known her, she’s gotten high a handful of times. And those are only the times I know about.
I say that not to bash her at all. I mean, I was a chronic relapser for a long time! It wasn’t until I started working steps and getting to know a God of my own understanding that I stopped relapsing.
Even then, I’m not sure why I stopped relapsing…which brings me to the story of the first time Cindy relapsed.
We’d been living together for around six months at this point. The fire incident was long behind us. By now we were both heavily involved in the twelve-steps and bettering ourselves spirituality.
In the months we were living together in the halfway house, we saw roommates bounce in and out. We saw girls relapse almost instantly. We saw them do well for a while before taking that first sucker drink. We even saw girls get kicked out while being stone cold sober.
Coming Home Drunk
Cindy was in the same sponsorship family I was. We didn’t have the same sponsor but our sponsors were sponsee sisters. So, I guess we were sponsee cousins? I’ve never been able to figure out how the whole sponsorship family system works!
Like I said above, we lived pretty similar lives. The one major difference is that she was involved in an unhealthy relationship and I wasn’t. Now, that isn’t to say I wasn’t ever involved in unhealthy or codependent relationships. I definitely was!
She came back to the halfway house one night reeking of alcohol. She was a wreck. She said her boyfriend broke up with her and, instead of going to a meeting, she went to the bar.
I called her sponsor who said she would be right over. I called our house manager (who was 100% my guardian angel by now). We sat out front, smoked cigarettes, talked, and waited them both to show up.
Cindy ended up not getting in any trouble from our halfway house. The owner knew she was trying to do the right thing and screwed up. He sent her to a detox just to be safe, but that was it.
Not too long after, like maybe two months or so, she drank again. This time she went off on a run. I didn’t see her for a bunch of months, until she showed up at our home group to pick up a white chip. She’s been in and out ever since.
Why’d She Drink?
Here’s where things get complicated. I honestly have no idea why Cindy drank and why I didn’t when I was in a similar situation.
I know, you’re thinking she drank because she was in a relationship without first being spiritually fit. I don’t know though. I’ve heard people say that before and it’s always sounded a little fishy. Like, does God punish people for not always doing the right thing?
I just can’t wrap my head around that. It seems too close to the idea of a punishing and vengeful God. My God isn’t like that at all. My God is loving, caring, and always has my back. I have to believe Cindy’s God was the same.
I don’t know. I mean everyone has a God of their own understanding, right? Maybe her relationship with her Higher Power was different. Maybe I was just lucky and Cindy wasn’t. Maybe she made a bad decision, set off the physical allergy, and the rest was history.
All I know for sure, with 100% certainty, is that I thank God regularly for my sobriety. I love Cindy and will always love her. She’s like a sister. Still, I’m very happy that she was the one who drank and not me.
by Sally Rosa | Jun 18, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Can Listening to Certain Music Make You Relapse?
I’ve asked friends this question over the last few weeks. Their response has been overwhelmingly NO! Still, it’s a question worth asking and one that’s been on my mind a lot lately.
See, the first rehab I ever went to, way back at eighteen years old, advised me not to listen to certain music until I had a year sober. They said I shouldn’t listen to music I liked when I was using, music that glorifies drugs or alcohol, or music made by active addicts and alcoholics.
While I sort of agree with the first point, not listening to music I got high to, I don’t know about those other two ideas.
For example, I LOVE Pink Floyd. Does being in early-recovery mean I can’t listen to “Comfortably Numb?” I also love The Beatles. Does being in early-sobriety mean I can’t listen to Sgt. Pepper’s?
Maybe I’m just overthinking things. I’ve been known to do that (hello – alcoholic here!). I’m not so sure though. Let’s explore this idea of music in early-recovery being a trigger a bit more in-depth.
Were My Therapists onto Something?
I don’t believe in triggers. I’ve said it before and, most likely, I’ll say it many more times. That’s just my opinion though. Everyone has different opinions and everyone is entitled to their own! That little nugget of wisdom was learned the hard way!
So, when my therapist in rehab told me their opinions, that certain music is triggering, I initially disregarded it. They were telling me that I had to go an entire year without listening to my two favorite genres – classic rock and hip hop (weird mix, I know).
I didn’t want to hear that! I was going through ten million different things. I needed the comfort blanket that music provided me. At least, that’s what I thought at the time.
Looking back on their advice, it wasn’t half bad. Plus, they were coming from a place of compassion and care. At the time, though, I just thought they were evil old men who were out of touch with today’s culture.
Whether you believe in triggers or not, there’s something to be said for avoiding triggering events in the early days of sobriety. As we grow in our sobriety, as we effect a spiritual awakening and connection, we’re free to do whatever we want (as long as it fits within spiritual principles, of course).
Times are hard during those early days though. I don’t know if listening to Led Zeppelin would have caused me to relapse. I don’t know if listening to 50 Cent would have caused me to relapse. I don’t know if listening to the same music I nodded out to would have caused me to relapse.
But guess what? I stayed away from all that music while I was in rehab, and in the months after, and relapsed anyway.
The Case for Listening to Whatever You Want
I kind of laid this out above, but I’ll repeat it because us alcoholics and addicts are hardheaded. After we become connected to a power greater than ourselves, the obsession to drug and drink is removed. We can go anywhere, do anything, and listen to any music without being tempted to relapse.
That’s the amazing thing about spiritual sobriety – we become free! That’s certainly been the case in my own recovery and in those closest to me.
Once we do the work and become connected to a God of our own understanding, we can listen to whatever type of music we want. Triggers don’t exist once we’re at this point. Our mind and spirit have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state.
Of course, there’s a very important caveat to that statement. We have to do the work! We have to be actively practicing God-consciousness. If we’re not, well, then we still have an alcoholic mind and an alcoholic mind always leads to relapse.
If we’re suffering from untreated alcoholism/addiction and listen to “harmful” music, music from our using days or that glorifies drugs and booze, then we probably will relapse over it. It’ll bring up a lot of emotions, feelings, and cravings we don’t want to deal it. At that point, it’s in our nature to drink.
The Final Verdict
So, is music in early-recovery triggering? The answer is both yes and no. That’s my experience and opinion anyway.
What about you? What’s your experience been like with music during the early days of sobriety? Let us know on social media!
by Fiona Stockard | May 26, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Early-Recovery is Crazy!
The title says it all – early-recovery is crazy! We’re a whirlwind of emotions (mainly negative ones!), fear, insecurity, anxiety, highs and lows, and all sorts of madness.
It’s not all bad though. It’s also the time when we grow the most! Think about it like this – when we’re at ground zero, there’s nowhere to go but up. I probably grew more, and learned more about myself, in my first six months of sobriety than at any other time in my life.
This column, the newest from Sobriety for Women, will focus on the good, the bad, and the ugly. Admittedly, there’s usually more bad and ugly than good! So, to start things off, let me tell you all about the night I moved into what would become my final halfway house.
A Halfway House Horror Story
I “transferred” halfway houses at around ninety days sober. I say transferred because, to tell the truth, I was kicked out of the halfway house I’d been living in. I didn’t drink or get high, but I wasn’t living by spiritual principles. I was making selfish and impulsive decisions and, wouldn’t you know it, got kicked out.
So there I was, ninety days sober and effectively homeless. I scrambled and found another sober living residence that was willing to take me without a security deposit. Thank God for the kindness of women in this program!
I moved in around dinnertime that night. I met the owner, the house managers, and my new roommates. It turns out I actually knew one of the women living there. We’d previously lived together in another halfway! South Florida is a small place, friends!
This woman, let’s call her “Martha,” was a chronic relapser. I had been too for quite some time, so who was I to judge?
I emerged from my room later that night, around midnight I think, and found Martha and another of our roommates sitting in the living room with belts around their arms. The coffee table was littered with powder, burnt spoons, orange syringe caps, and a bent and dull needle.
To say I was shocked was a bit of an understatement. Just a few hours earlier, the owner had stood in our living room and talked about the power of honesty, willingness, and spiritual living. Martha and our other roommate stood there nodding their heads.
Fast forward to midnight and they were nodding their heads in a completely different way. I didn’t know what to do! I knew what I should do, but there’s a huge difference between should and taking that action.
One thing was for sure though, I knew I didn’t want to get high. I retreated back to my room and called the owner. I was shaking as I called! I didn’t want Martha and the other girl to hate me! Still, I knew if I didn’t talk to someone ASAP than I’d join them. That’s just how addiction works.
The owner didn’t answer, so I called a house manager. She told me to do nothing tonight and they would kick the girls out tomorrow. She told me that, if I needed to, I could leave and sleep on her couch for the night.
We talked for close to an hour. I slept in my new halfway house (halfway home!) that night. After we got off the phone, I prayed for a good thirty minutes or so. I asked God for the strength to stay sober.
The following morning, Martha and our other roommate were kicked out. It wasn’t the big deal I’d made it into in my mind the night before. The owner came over, drug tested them, and they left. It was that simple.
The Power of God
The only reason I stayed sober that night was because of God and the house manager I spoke to. I truly believe that woman was an instrument of God working to help me!
I’d been kicked out of a halfway house that day. I wasn’t living by spiritual principles. I moved into somewhere new, someplace outside of my comfort zone. I saw a woman I was friendly with (calling her my friend might be too much, but we were certainly friendly).
Then, hours later, drugs were placed in front of me. There’s no reason I should have stayed sober. All signs pointed towards relapse. But I didn’t! God was doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself.
That night was the start of my REAL recovery. That night was the start of me listening to, and learning from, others. Although it’s a crazy story, it also displays a powerful and simple truth – we only need to do the right thing to tap into a spiritual power beyond our understanding.
by A Women in Sobriety | Feb 2, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Attitude is Everything
Want to know when in my life I was happiest? The answer might surprise you! I was happiest in early-sobriety while living in a halfway house.
Now don’t get me wrong, my life since getting sober has been nothing short of amazing. I’ve gotten to experience all sorts of things I never thought would happen. I’ve been blessed with friends, family, significant others, and a wonderful God. I’ve gotten to travel, to have amazing jobs, and to grow as a woman.
In other words, I truly have a life beyond my wildest dreams!
Still, there was something about early-sobriety and the simplicity of life that stands out. There was something about that period that makes me gooey with nostalgia. Life was simple, easy, and above all else, amazing!
I think it had something to do with my attitude!
Making the Most of What You Have
My attitude was what made this period in my life so wonderful. I was practicing gratitude like never before. I was taking unselfish and constructive action on a daily basis. I was giving instead of taking. Guess what? By giving, I received more than I ever imagined.
Now, there’s a whole debate (which I’ve participated in!) about how gratitude is steeped in action. Let’s set that aside for a moment and simply look at how gratitude changed my life!
The True Meaning of Gratitude
I was nineteen years old and living successfully on my own for the first time ever. I was coming off a one-year relapse. Prior to that year, I’d had almost six months sober. Prior to those six months, I’d been drugging and drinking for seven years.
So, being sober alone was enough to instill gratitude and humility in little old me! I was so grateful for a bed to sleep on, a pillow to lay my head on, and an air conditioner to keep me cool. I was so grateful for my roommates, friends who would answer their phones, and the ability to set past mistakes right. I was so grateful for my sponsor, my sober supports, and my new twelve-step family!
I was even grateful for my responsibilities. That’s something I tend to forget today. I was so excited to do step-work, to go to my job, and to go to school. Today, these things sometimes seem like a chore. In early-sobriety, though, they were blessings of the highest order.
I think that’s why I look back at this period as the happiest in my life. Now, I’d again like to say that my life today is beyond my wildest dreams. It’s truly amazing. Still, there’s always going to be a special place in my heart for those early days spent living in a halfway house.
There’s always going to be a special place in my heart for meeting with my sponsor, scared out of my mind to be completely honest, and walking away feeling light and free. That’s something special, my friends, it really is.
