by Fiona Stockard | Dec 24, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
The Stages of Sobriety
Although I sometimes forget this important fact, I didn’t get better overnight! It took me exactly how long it took me to grow into a woman of grace and dignity. It took me six years.
Now don’t get me wrong, the obsession to drink and use drugs was lifted as soon as I did the work. I got a sponsor within my first few weeks sober. I started working the steps. I had a spiritual awakening and haven’t obsessed over chemicals in a long time. Emotional sobriety, though? That’s a whole other story.
I was a mess of character defects, insecurities, and selfish behaviors for my first year sober. Slowly, they began to fade away as I did more work on myself. I prayed, meditated, helped others, went to therapy, and completed therapy assignments. Through this process, I began to get better in all areas of my life.
So, how do women in early-recovery move from scared girls to women of grace and dignity? The answer is time, self-reflection, and fearless work on ourselves.
To help make sense of this process, I’ve outlined the different stages of sobriety. I hope you all find them helpful! Learn from my mistakes and lessons, so you don’t have to make the same ones!
In Treatment
This is the first step to a new life. We’re freshly sober and probably out of our minds with fear, resentment, ego, insecurity, and a hundred other worries.
Rehab is a place to physically separate us from drugs and alcohol. It’s a safe environment for us to reawaken to the world. It’s a home away from home. If those examples sound kind of corny, well, deal with it! They’re 100% true!
Not only does being in treatment keep us physically safe from booze and drugs, it also allows us to learn about ourselves. Treatment is a time for reflection and realization. It’s a safe place to face the demons that kept us drinking and drugging for years.
Of course, facing these demons isn’t enough. We have to overcome them. We’re introduced to the tools we use to accomplish this in rehab. We’re introduced to spiritual principles like honesty, faith, service, and communication in rehab.
Early-Sobriety
I define early-sobriety as the time after rehab to three years. That’s a pretty long stretch of time! The important thing to remember is that the physical time doesn’t matter. Rather than quantity, we’re aiming for quality!
Early-sobriety is where the rubber meets the road. It’s where we reenter the world and put those spiritual principles into practice. It’s also where I made most of my mistakes.
I did a ton of stupid things in early-sobriety. I got involved with boys and took the focus off my Higher Power. I went to the casino and started compulsively gambling. I had more jobs than I can count on one hand, and maybe more than I can count on both hands. I practiced dishonesty instead of honesty.
There were a couple of things I did right though! I went to an all women’s halfway house. I was dating when I shouldn’t have, but I also had strong women surrounding me.
I was 100% honest with my sponsor. I told her everything good and bad I was doing. She chewed me out regularly and I deserved it!
Finally, even though my focus was often taken off my spiritual growth, I continued to work the steps. Within six months I’d completed them and began to reach out to others. Yeah, I was still full of character defects, but I was trying my best to help others.
The Danger Zone
The danger zone is my nickname for the period between three years and double-digit sobriety. I call it the danger zone because it seems like a lot of women relapse during this time.
I’m currently six and a half years sober. So, I’m smack in the middle of the danger zone! After making the same mistakes over and over during early-sobriety, I’ve started to really grow as a woman of grace and dignity.
I’m in the danger zone, but I’m doing well. I don’t enter romantic relationships, or any relationships for that matter, which aren’t healthy. I pray, meditate, and practice God-centered sponsorship. I stopped gambling! I put others’ needs before my own.
Through doing these simple (but not easy!) steps, I’m protected from drinking and selfish behavior. Of course, if I stop doing them, if I stop practicing these principles in all my affairs, I’m going to drink.
It’s that simple. If I stay balanced, I’ll stay healthy and sober. If I lose balance, I’ll end up drunk and selfish.
Long-Term Sobriety
I think of long-term sobriety as having over ten years. It’s funny, though, I’ve heard countless old-timers refer to themselves as newcomers. Now that’s humility!
I’m not at this stage yet, so I’m not sure what it’s like. I bet it’s probably similar to where I’m at now. That’s one of the many wonderful things about recovery – if I do the same things at twenty years that I did at twenty days, I’ll stay sober.
One thing I’ve heard many people with long-term sobriety say is how simple their lives have become. While, in some ways, my life is simpler at six plus years sober, it’s also more complicated. I have more responsibility, accountability, and daily tasks than I did in early-sobriety.
I image I’ll have even more at fifteen or twenty years. I think old-timers are talking about their emotional health when they say their lives are simple. I hope that’s it anyway!
Want to know how to get to long-term sobriety? It’s simple, really. Find an old-timer and ask them how they did it. The answer won’t disappoint you, I promise!
by Sally Rosa | Sep 3, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Recovery Can Be Overwhelming
Getting sober is scary! We’re thrown into a new location, told to change people, places and things (this means change everything!), and begin to reach out to other sober people. We begin to experience feelings again.
Basically, we experience everything we avoided through our addiction! Fear not Ms. Freshly Sober, Sobriety For Women is here to help. We’ve whipped up a handy guide to the common types of twelve-step fellowships and twelve-step meetings. We’ve even sprinkled in some basic meeting etiquette.
Sounds like one less thing to freak out over. Now, get back to doing step work!
Alcoholics Anonymous
AA is the original twelve-step fellowship and has been around since 1935. Hmm, they’ve been around for over seventy-five years? They must be doing something right!
A common misconception about AA is that it’s only for people with a drinking problem. This isn’t the case at all. I’m a certified junkie and I go to mainly AA meetings. I work AA steps and sponsor the AA way. Just because you’re an addict, doesn’t mean you can’t go to Alcoholics Anonymous.
Here’s where that meeting etiquette I talked about earlier comes in. I don’t talk about drugs during AA meetings. When I share, I say things like “my drinking was out of control,” or “alcohol worked for me, until it didn’t!”
I swap the word drugs for alcohol and it works fine. When I’m doing step-work with a girl, well, then I’m very open about my addiction. During meetings though? I respect the house I’m in.
Plus, alcohol is only mentioned once during the twelve-steps. The rest is all about us and how we relate to other people.
Narcotics Anonymous
NA was founded in 1953 and is over sixty years old. Again, those recovering addicts must be doing something right!
NA is, generally speaking, a bit looser than AA. Obviously, you can talk freely about drugs. Don’t start telling war stories though, or you’ll get chewed out by old-timers pretty quick!
I’ve noticed, through my personal experience with NA, they generally don’t dive into the steps. They have a saying, which goes a little something like “we didn’t get sick overnight and we’re not going to get better overnight, either.”
Personally, I don’t agree with this. I think we need to start to get better right away. Still, NA works for hundreds of thousands of people. If you’re looking for a slow and steady approach, NA may be right for you!
Cocaine Anonymous
An AA old-timer founded CA in 1982. While CA is a separate fellowship from AA, they work steps from AA’s Big Book and practice AA sponsorship.
Truthfully, I haven’t been to a ton of CA meetings. The one’s I have attended are lively and solution oriented. That means members share about how to get better, rather than reminisce about drugs or booze.
CA seems to mirror AA in that members don’t need to have only a cocaine addiction. In fact, most people I’ve met at CA were opiate addicts.
Other Anonymous Fellowships
While AA, NA, and CA are the most prevalent twelve-step fellowships, there are about five thousand others. These include: Al-Anon (for those affected by someone else’s drinking), Gambler’s Anonymous (GA), Sex and Love Anonymous (SLA), Codependents Anonymous (CODA), and Overeater’s Anonymous (OA).
Types of Meetings
Within the above fellowships, there are many different types of meetings. Let’s look at some.
Open Meeting
This simply means that anyone, addict or alcoholic or otherwise, can attend. Want to bring your significant other to a meeting? Take them to an open meeting.
Closed Meeting
This means that you have to me a member to attend.
The third tradition of most twelve-step fellowships reads, “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking [or using].”
So, to attend closed meetings, you have to have a desire to stop destructive behavior. You don’t, and this is important so pay attention, you don’t have to identify as an addict or alcoholic.
All meetings are either open or closed. So, open and closed are sort of the macro-categories of twelve-step meetings.
Speaker Meeting
Speaker meetings are where someone speaks. Simple enough, right? In these meetings, the speaker can share their story, or speak on a particular topic.
Literature Meeting
This is a meeting where the topic is based around specific literature.
This literature can be fellowship approved (AA’s Big Book) or unapproved (AA’s “Little Red Book”).
Literature meetings can have a speaker, be a discussion meeting, or be any other type of meeting.
Discussion Meeting
These are meetings where a topic is discussed. The topic can be about anything. Common topics include gratitude, resentment, relapse, spirituality, etc.
Step Meeting
Step meetings are when the topic is one of the twelve-steps. These meetings can take the form of speaker meetings, discussion meetings, or literature meetings.
Anniversary Meeting
This is a meeting where addicts and alcoholics celebrate their sober anniversaries. Typically, the last meeting each month is an anniversary meeting. Medallions are given to anyone with a year or more. There’s cake and sweets.
Anniversary generally don’t take up the entire meeting. The rest of the meeting is whatever type of meeting it normally is.
Now that you know all about the different types of fellowships and meetings, get out there and start getting better!
by Sally Rosa | Aug 27, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
13th Step? I Thought There Were Only 12
Ah, the sneaky little 13th Step. The little talked about, but widely known, practice of being a shady motherf**ker. One of the reasons to stay away from clubhouses. The reason for that old saying, men with men and women with women.
At this point, you may be scratching your head and wondering “thirteenth step? I thought there were only twelve-steps?” You’re not alone. Although 13th stepping is as old as AA itself, it isn’t talked about much. So, what is this 13th step?
13th stepping is the practice of someone with sober-time doing the dirty with a newcomer. It’s when someone with multiple years bumps uglys with someone with multiple days. Tired of these lame ass metaphors? Yeah, me too. 13th stepping is when some who knows better f**ks someone who doesn’t know better.
Sounds shady as hell, right? IT IS! Despite being almost as unspiritual as drinking, it’s still fairly common, especially in areas with lots of young, sober people.
Isn’t That Old Behavior?
So, we know what 13th stepping is (you still gagging? Yeah, me too). Now, the million-dollar question, why do people do it?
Why do people who are trying to “practice these principals in all our affairs” engage in such harmful behavior? Why do people, trying to grow in the image and likeness of their own God, prey on newcomers? S**t, I wish I had an easy answer for you.
There are probably a million reasons. First, remember that not everyone in recovery is a saint. A sober horse thief is still a horse thief. To put it another way, a sober predator is still a predator.
Just because someone has time, well, that doesn’t mean they’re working a program. The rooms of recovery are filled with scumbags. They’re also filled with, hands down, the best people on earth. Sadly though, the scumbags are sometimes more prevalent.
Sex feels good and there are always going to be people trying to feel good. There are always going to be people interested only in selfish satisfaction, even if AA attempts to teach us different.
Some people may not think what they’re doing is wrong. My friend’s sponsor is a great guy. He helps a ton of men and has been sober since the 80’s. He does service and makes sure the hand of AA is always available. Still, he hooked up with his wife when he had a year and she had a few days. Did he think he was 13th stepping? Probably not. They’re still together, and sober, so it worked out.
However, most of the time, the story doesn’t end with happily ever after. Most of the time, someone relapses. Usually it’s the newcomer being preyed upon. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, it’s the assh**e taking advantage of the newcomer. I mean, they’re not living by spiritual principals, anyway!
How Do We Stop 13th Stepping?
Again, I wish I had an easy answer for you. Like most harmful things in life, stopping 13th stepping is complicated. It requires education, patience, and some good ideas. Hey, good ideas? I have a few of those!
First, and this is already common practice, newcomers should stick with their own gender. The saying “women with women and men with men” was invented for a reason. In early sobriety, limit the amount of time you spend with members of the opposite sex. It’ll take your focus off God, trust me, I know. So ladies, if a guy approaches you and says he’ll sponsor you – kick him in the nuts and run away! This applies to cute guys, too!
Next, there should be education about 13th stepping. I certainly didn’t know what it was when I came into recovery. Lots of people may know about 13th stepping, but they’re not talking about it. Let’s get a dialogue going! Let’s get people sharing who tried to take advantage of them. That way, newcomers will know to stay away from those people.
Finally, I think clubhouses should have a no-tolerance policy. If someone is a known predator, kick ‘em out! I don’t care if this person has fifty years sober. Like I said above, a sober predator is still a predator!
by Sally Rosa | Jul 28, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
Battling All The Suggestions in Early Sobriety
One of the hardest things that young women trying to get sober experience is following the suggestions given to them in early-sobriety. A lot of women think they don’t need to follow suggestions given to them by their therapists and sponsors. Sadly, the great majority of these women learn later that they were greatly misinformed.
Disagreeing with Suggestions Given In Early-Sobriety
In early-sobriety, when a suggestion is given that you don’t agree with, your decision to follow it (or not follow it!) shows a lot about where you’re at in recovery. In a way, this can be seen as a metaphor for whether or not you’ll be able to stay sober. Yes, you might call your sponsor. Yes, you might be working your steps. But what does it say about you and your recovery when you’re still doing everything your way?
Find out jobs you should avoid in early-recovery
I’ll Lie, Cheat, and Steal When I Want To!
We did everything our way, while we were getting high. We got high when we wanted to get high. We stole money when we needed money. We hurt people when we felt they’d hurt us. Early-recovery is about letting go of your ego. When you believe your way is the best way to do something, and ignore a suggestion, your ego is getting in the way. It takes a lot to admit that you might not know what’s best. When you’re in early-sobriety and someone who has a lot more experience than you, like your therapist, is telling you something, listen. They’re almost always right.
Read about the importance of accountability in early-recovery
An Indication in Early-Sobriety of What’s To Come
I’m going to give you fine gals an example. I present to you Jane Doe. Jane has three months sober. She’s living in a halfway house. The general suggestion surrounding halfway houses is that you should make a six month commitment to live there. Jane decides she want’s to leave though. So, she talks to her therapist about it. Her therapist says, “Jane, don’t be an idiot. Finish your commitment!” Jane moves out the next day.
A healthy person would be able to see that staying another three months isn’t going to hurt them. In fact, it’ll probably be a positive experience. In early-sobriety it’s important not to take risks. When you learn to protect your sobriety, you also learn how to stay sober. People who take risks in early-sobriety usually don’t end up staying sober.
Suggestions Suck
Yeah, sometimes they sucks, but what’s the big deal? The way we shape our program in that first year usually determines how our program is going to look down the road. Why pick up white-chip after white-chip? Once you work a strong program, you can take all the risks you want. The funny thing is when you get to this point taking risks usually doesn’t seem so appealing. Usually you’re happy with where you are and what you’ve accomplished.
