by A Women in Sobriety | Nov 10, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Body Image / Eating Disorders
How It All Started
At the age of twelve, I started to feel different about myself. I saw flaws and didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. It was the summer and I remember looking in my friends mirror and seeing my body for what felt like the first time.
I hated my body. All I can see was fat and it scared me.
I made a mental note that I was going to change this. For the whole six weeks of summer, I was going to make my body different.
I started by running everywhere when out playing with my friends. Then I slowly cut back on eating. No snacks, eating less at dinner, etc. Before I knew it, I was hardly eating anything at all and exercising all day.
I used to go to tell my family I was going to bed at six. Really, I’d exercise in my room constantly until eleven. My parents found me going to bed this early strange, but I made excuses. That’s one thing anorexia is good for – making up lies so it doesn’t get found out.
When it came to time to eat and people were around, I’d pretend to dish myself up food and eat it. If they were watching me closely, I’d even put food on my plate. Then I started to hide food.
I’d wear clothes with pockets so when people weren’t looking, I could quickly stuff food into them. I’d tip my drink down the back of the sofa and flush food down the toilet. If I ate, my brain wouldn’t be happy.
My anorexia started with my in control, but ended with my losing completely control, rather quickly too.
Anorexia Takes Over
I was admitted to an adolescent mental health unit by the age of thirteen. Sadly, this facility was no help to me at all. The longer I was there, the more anorexic I became. The longer I was there, the more ingrained my eating disorder became.
They staff didn’t understand eating disorders and I was surrounded by people with serious mental illnesses. Not like me. Of course, I know see how sick I was.
Slowly, I became more and more depressed. My brain wouldn’t give me even one moment of peace. I just couldn’t escape. My mind and body were deteriorating. That’s when I turned to self-harm.
At first, it gave me some form of release. It made me feel a tiny bit better, if only for a minute. It was the same when I started acting out on anorexia. It made me feel better about myself. I could never please the voices in my head, though. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
From Bad to Worse
I was in and out of that adolescent unit until the age of fifteen. Then I was sent to a specialized eating disorder unit. I hated ever moment. I hated being made to eat. It terrified me.
I still found ways of hiding food, though. By this time, I’d also started to make myself sick. I couldn’t stand to keep any food in my body. I hated the feeling of being full. It drove me mad. It scared me. It tormented me.
Eventually, the nurses found out I was throwing up and I had to have someone come to the toilet with me. I also had to have someone follow me around all day, but I still found ways to cheat.
I’m not proud of what I did, but deep down I know it wasn’t really me doing it.
I began to throw up into things in my room. Video boxes, my wash bag, even the floor if I was desperate.
I stayed in this eating disorder unit for three more years. By the time I turned eighteen, I could no longer stay on the adolescent unit. I wasn’t allowed to leave of my own free will, either.
My parents couldn’t even take me home. I remember them being told to leave. I watched them from my window. At that moment, my whole world fell apart. I hit the absolute bottom.
I started to learn how to cope with my illness. I started to become a healthier weight. I was still underweight, but getting healthier. The doctors and nurses noticed and I was finally allowed to go home.
She Lost Everything
I did well until I reached twenty, when I relapsed. This wasn’t my first relapse, mind you, but this was the first time I’d managed to live successfully for years before everything came crashing down.
I was sent to a different eating disorder unit and it was the worst experience of my life. The staff didn’t understand at all. We were left for whole days with nothing to do.
I slept away most of my time there. Eventually, though, it all became too much. I started to fight to get better. This wasn’t ‘cause I wanted to get better, but because I couldn’t stand to be there for another minute. It was pure hell.
A Cycle of Relapse
Eventually, I discharged after I reached my target weight. Things went well for another few years. I was happy and life seemed good. I managed to stay out of any mental health units…until I turned twenty-four.
At twenty-four years old, I relapsed again. This time things didn’t get as bad as they had in the past. Still, I needed help, so I was admitted to a day unit. This time I had a very different experience!
I met some wonderful and lovely people there. I met some of my closest friends there. That was two years ago. In the past two years, I have relapsed. I haven’t gone back to the beginning though.
That’s what those suffering from an eating disorder have to hold on to. Yes, you may relapse, but it’s a different stage of relapse. It becomes easier to return to normality, to recovery.
Although I’ve never been fully rid of the illness, I’ve had times where I can manage it and live with it in health. If you relapse, admit it to yourself! Admit you’ve fallen, dust yourself off, and get back up.
There’s HOPE
We have to be strong! Eating disorders are cunning and find ways to creep back into our lives, especially when we’re most vulnerable. We can fight!
We can realize the feeling eating disorders offer is a lie. It doesn’t give us control. No, it takes away control. Eating disorders control us. “Life” with this illness isn’t life at all. Life with this illness is merely existing, not living.
There may be times you want to give up and die because it seems easier than fighting the voice in your head. There may be times you want to quit life because it seems easier than dealing with the torment and self-hatred.
There’s more to life than anorexia. I promise you. Eating disorders don’t want you to realize this.
It’s definitely a long and hard road, but no matter how long it takes – don’t give up! Don’t let it win! It’s time to get your life back!
I never thought that I’d suffer from this illness for over half my life. If I could turn back the clock, I’d never stopped eating. I didn’t plan to be anorexic. It simply took over.
It became me, until I was nothing but anorexia and I lost every tiny part of myself. I lost my friends, family, and relationships. This illness doesn’t give you anything. It just takes and takes. It takes everything.
If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with anorexia or any other eating disorder, keep fighting! One day it’ll get easier! One day you’ll get who you really are back. One day you’ll see that all this fighting’s been worth it!
You’re worth so much more than this illness. I promise you, you are! Always stay strong and remember you’re not alone. Always stay strong and remember we can all change!
Find Rayne87 on Instagram to learn more about her amazing story!
by A Women in Sobriety | Aug 6, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Body Image / Eating Disorders
Written By: Katie Schipper
How Yoga and Eating Disorder Recovery Work Together
Like the complicated make-up of eating disorders, yoga and eating disorder recovery work together as multi-disciplinary and varied practices. They share variance – eating disorders on one parallel, and yoga as it’s spiritual counterpoint.
Like addiction, eating disorders are hard explain because causation is so varied. Also like addiction, eating disorders are difficult to treat, as recovery lies largely in the individual’s willingness to seek and accept treatment. There’s also the necessity of a varied approaches to treatment, including: therapy, inpatient facility stays, ongoing care, the willingness to be honest and persevere, and undoubtedly a spiritual component. This isn’t to say that a woman needs to find God to recover from her eating disorder, but rather that practices which affirm the value of mind-body-soul health are important.
For someone who’s struggled with eating disorders, there’s usually a component of exercise abuse. This can run the gambit from over-exercising to burn calories, to a fear of physical activity, to any variety of related issues. To avoid exercise abuse, the reintroduction of physical activity must be intentional and considerate. Also, a goal beyond weight loss and calorie burning must be present in any exercise routine. Practicing yoga for eating disorder recovery establishes these goals.
Read common misconceptions about eating disorders
How Yoga Helps the Eating Disorder Recovery Process
Yoga is valuable for eating disorder recovery because of its grounding in mind-body connectivity and the variety of practices available. One of the most rewarding outcomes of practicing yoga is the profound sense of relaxation that follows. This serenity is a feeling foreign to women struggling with eating disorders. For some, it may be a feeling they’ve had only a handful of times, if ever at all.
So on a basic level, yoga reintroduces the participant to the concept of relaxation. More than any pose or posture, this is achieved through a class-long focus on breathing.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale
The postures are secondary, always, to the breath. So, what yoga really offers is a mediation in disguise. Utilizing meditation, through yoga and eating disorder recovery, is an extremely useful tool for those beginning to heal.
Read even more misconceptions about eating disorders
Getting Grounded With Yoga for Eating Disorders and Recovery
Yoga classes for those in recovery from eating disorders should be thoughtful. After all, for a group that’s been conditioned to view their bodies through a distorted lens and to obsess about appearance, the yoga studio should be traditional. This means it doesn’t have mirrors. Many modern yoga and dance studios are wall-to-wall mirrors. This isn’t be appropriate for yoga and eating disorder recovery.
Yoga classes should be chosen with the help of a therapist. The idea isn’t to introduce an intense hot yoga practice, or a cardio routine, but rather to build a practice that fosters relaxation and spiritual connection. When active in an eating disorder, the suffering woman usually loses all spiritual connection through her dissociation from feeling and sensation.
Yoga’s a Valuable Resource for Those in Recovery
Yoga and eating disorder treatment go hand-in-hand. This makes yoga a valuable practice and resource for anyone in recovery from an eating disorder. For women in early-recovery, yoga can be a life-changing tool. For those with long-term recovery, and even normies, it provides a sense of relief when approached from a traditional stance.
It’s wise to be aware of the potential for letting yoga become yet another symptom of an eating disorder. Because this potential exists, any woman struggling with an eating disorder should make sure her therapist or treatment center is involved with starting to practice yoga.
by Fiona Stockard | May 28, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Body Image / Eating Disorders
Written By: Katie Schipper
Eating Disorders are incredibly dangerous and deeply misunderstood diseases. They claim the lives of every gender, religion, social class, age group, culture, and race. There’s no one who’s immune to an eating disorder, just like there’s no one who’s immune to addiction. The idea that eating disorders are a choice was discussed in Part I. In Part II, we’ll talk about the common misconception that eating disorders are reserved for white, privileged women.
Misconception: Eating Disorders Only Affect White Adolescent Girls from Wealthy Families
The idea that someone chooses to have an eating disorder and therefore, should easily be able to stop, is pretty dangerous. Equally as dangerous is the idea that only rich, white girls suffer from eating disorders. The danger, of course, lies in the fact that this leaves out thousands and thousands of men and women who suffer from eating disorders. This is like assuming a crack addict must be a black man from the inner city. These types of myths help perpetuate deadly misinformation.
First things first, there are reasons this misconception has gained so much momentum. Like most lies, it started out with a kernel of truth. Eating disorders usually (usually, not always) develop in the early teens. Based on current research, women tend to be at a higher risk for developing eating disorders. That’s pretty much it for the true part. The reality, as always, is much more complicated and covers much more ground.
Get an expert’s option on eating disorders
Many More Are At Risk
Women aren’t the only group at a higher risk for developing an eating disorder. Other groups include: people who engage in certain sports, those who experience acute stress, those who experience intense stress, and those with other mental or physical illnesses (including addiction). Even these groupings shouldn’t overshadow the much more vital truth – anyone is at risk. Eating disorders can occur at any age, in any income family, to any gender identity, to any race…the list goes on and on.
Do you know the warning signs of Anorexia?
Taking It Too Far
Another trait shared between eating disorders and addiction is the idea that individuals have an imaginary “line” they cross. This means that what may start as just a diet, or an attempt to lose a little weight, can develop into an eating disorder. The same can be said of what initially may be just comfort food or the occasional overindulgence. What might start as small changes in behaviors and habits can easily (and quickly) develop into something very dangerous. Unfortunately, as is true with addiction, by the time someone notices these changes, the line has often already been crossed.
Dispelling lies and misinformation is essential for eating disorder treatment and recovery. The more accurate information that’s spread, the more likely under-representing groups will be to seek and receive help. To believe that any group is exempt from developing an eating disorder is to deny them the chance to recover.
by Fiona Stockard | May 19, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Body Image / Eating Disorders
Written By: Katie Schipper
Misconceptions About Eating Disorders
Like addiction and alcoholism, eating disorders are a vastly misunderstood disease. The mental, emotional, spiritual and physical anguish that accompany an active eating disorder is immense. Also like alcoholism, the obsessive thinking and pathological devotion to protecting the disease are such that outsiders often resort to blaming the individual – this makes it easier for loved ones to swallow. Over a series of articles, we’ll look at common misconceptions about eating disorders. Dismantling myths is a vital step towards the future of eating disorder treatment.
Misconception: Eating Disorders Are a Choice
Perhaps the most dangerous of myth about eating disorders is that the suffering individual choses their condition. While initially there may be behaviors that were chosen, there comes a point where the person’s power of choice vanishes. Dieting and exercise are no longer about losing weight. They’ve become a compulsion and addiction. They lead to still more dangerous habits, including: laxative abuse, purging, and abusing diet pills of all shapes and forms.
The same can be said for those who suffer from binge eating and compulsive over eating. What initially begins as comfort, soon takes on a dangerous life of its own. Consumption is no longer a choice.
The parallels to addiction are impossible to ignore. Like an alcoholic with a bottle of booze, or an addict with a pipe, all choice is lost. All control vanishes from the individual suffering from an eating disorder.
How can I recover from eating disorders?
Eating Disorders Can Be Deadly
If untreated, eating disorders are fatal. They carry a higher mortality rate than addiction and alcoholism. In fact, eating disorders are the deadliest mental illness.
Again, like addiction, the paths that lead to eating disorders are varied. They usually involve a combination of both genetics (nature) and the environment someone was raised in (nurture). There’s rarely a single cause.
For many young women, the first noticeable sign of an eating disorder is poor body image. The insistence that what they look like is the end all and be all feeds into the misconception that eating disorders are voluntary. Eating disorders are not about vanity. Sure, that can be the first step, the first warning sign and trigger. In the end, eating disorders have very little to do with how one looks.
How many people a year do eating disorders kill?
Eating Disorders Aren’t a Choice
While they aren’t a choice, and shouldn’t be viewed as such, recovery from eating disorders is a choice available to ALL suffering individuals. Eating disorder treatment, paired with aftercare and twelve-step involvement, is often successful.
However, long-term recovery isn’t possible by merely treating symptoms of the disease. Symptoms include those things that look like causes, i.e. the desire to be thin, or dissatisfaction with one’s body. For any hope of recovery, each case has to be faced honestly.
As with recovery from alcoholism and addiction, recovery must be an ongoing, lifelong process. It can’t be done alone. The first step in eating disorder recovery is becoming clear about the true nature of the disease – it isn’t a choice.
Where can I find eating disorder treatment?
