by Fiona Stockard | Oct 3, 2014 | 12 Steps
Written By: Fiona Stockard
The Big Book Broken Down – Part Six
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other to recover from alcohol and drug addiction. It was founded in June of 1935, just celebrated its seventy-ninth anniversary, and boasts over two million members.
AA’s central text is the Big Book. With a sponsor and a Big Book, AA members work the twelve steps, and “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (title page).
Today, I’ll be breaking down steps five, six, and seven from the chapter “Into Action”
Step Five from Into Action
Into Action opens by talking about step five. It reads, “This requires action on our part, which, when completed, will mean that we have admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs” (72).
That’s the fifth step. Let’s be honest, no one wants to tell someone else everything about themselves. I didn’t. It’s about as uncomfortable a situation as can happen.
There are reasons we need to, though! Without working the fifth step, we usually don’t stay sober. Case in point, the chapter reads, “The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking” (72).
There it is, laid out plain as anything. If we don’t get honest and tell another woman everything about ourselves, we may not be able to stay sober. That was enough to convince me. Well, that and the pain of not trying to change!
Into Action addresses this idea of emotional and mental pain, too. “[S]he is under constant fear and tension – this makes for more drinking” (73). Our actions in active alcoholism are selfish and, usually, harmful to others. This makes our lives pretty tense! I know that was the case for me.
So, to stay sober we need to do a fifth step. Or, to put it another way, to stay sober we need to get honest. What about happiness, though? Turns out we also need to be honest if we want to be happy! “We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world” (73-74).
So, if we want to stay sober and have any level of happiness, we need to work a fifth step. There’s good news, too! Once we share our story, 100% honestly, with another woman, we get this sense of relief.
It’s hard to describe what happens after the fifth step. The best way I can describe it is to say that, for the first time in years, I felt like I could breathe. I felt a different sort of high than I was used to. I felt free.
Into Action describes it this way, “We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but we now begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly” (75).
Sounds appealing, right? Remember, though, we need to keep on doing work! After all, it says “the feeling that the drink problem has disappeared…” It doesn’t say our actual drinking problem has disappeared! That only comes after we complete all twelve of the steps!
Step Six
Before we get into steps six and seven, we need to be sure we’ve completed the first five to the best of our ability. The book reads, “Returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done…Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything…” (75).
Once we can say that we’ve worked the first five steps to the best of our ability, being as honest and open as possible, then we’re able to move to step six.
Step six is when we become willing to have God remove our character defects. Remember, we’ve identified a rough outline of our defects through writing a fourth step. For step six, we need to ask ourselves one simple question – “Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable?” (76).
Once we’re willing, the sixth step turns into the seventh step.
Step Seven
The seventh step is as simple as asking God to remove our character defects. The cool thing about this step is that we don’t have to 100% mean it when we ask God. As long as we’re willing to acknowledge we have these character defects and continue to ask God to remove them, until we do mean it, we’re good to go.
At this point, we say the seventh step prayer, or some form of it that expresses the same ideas. The seventh step prayer from the Big Book reads,
“My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go from here, to do your bidding. Amen” (76).
And just like that, we’re done with the seventh step. Of course, like many parts of AA, this is just the beginning of a lifelong process.
by Fiona Stockard | Sep 19, 2014 | 12 Steps
Written By: Fiona Stockard
The Big Book Broken Down – Part Five
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other to recover from alcohol and drug addiction. It was founded in June of 1935, just celebrated its seventy-ninth anniversary, and boasts over two million members.
AA’s central text is the Big Book. With a sponsor and a Big Book, AA members work the twelve steps, and “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (title page).
Today, I’ll be breaking down chapter five, How It Works.
How It Works
This chapter opens with one of the most famous lines from The Big Book. “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program…” (58).
Starting out with a bang! I love this quote. I also love the story behind it. Rumor has it that Bill W. was asked, years after writing The Big Book, if there was anything he’d have changed. He responded by saying he wanted to change “rarely” to “never.” That’s been my experience. If you’re committed to working the twelve-steps, you don’t fail. I didn’t and I was as big a f**k up as they come!
The Third Step
How It Works then talks about Step Three. They use a wonderful metaphor comparing alcoholics to directors. We want to direct this play (or movie!) called life. We want everyone to do exactly what we say. Wouldn’t life be wonderful then?
The problem here is that people don’t do what we want. Guess what? They don’t have to! In fact, it’s pretty selfish for us alcoholics to want them to! How It Works addresses this selfishness. The chapter states,
“Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt” (62).
That’s one of my favorite passages from The Big Book. It describes exactly how I lived life! I was driven by fear and other negative emotions/needs. I hurt people. I hurt people and they hurt me back. I thought they hurt me for no reason. I couldn’t see my part in anything!
The twelve-steps, including steps three and four, showed me my part. They showed me how selfish I really was. Guess what? I was pretty damn selfish! Luckily, there were more steps and these (specifically eight and nine) helped me to change.
But back to step three. My sponsor explained the third step very simply. She told me it was just a decision to complete the rest of the steps. She told me that by working the remaining steps, I’d have turned my life and will over to God as I understand God.
Simple enough. How It Works then moves on to step four.
The Fourth Step
“Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning…” (63).
The important words here are “vigorous action.” My sponsor explained that the first three steps weren’t action oriented. They were two conclusions (I’m an alcoholic. I can’t get better on my own) and a decision (going through with the remaining steps). But step four? Step four was about action.
How It Works describes how to properly write a fourth step. It’s not an autobiography. It’s four charts: my resentments, my fears, my sexual and romantic history, and the harms I’ve caused others. Simple as that.
There’s an example chart, breaking down how my charts should look, on page 65. I highly recommend checking it out! It shows how to write the cause of various resentments, fears, etc. It then shows how to list and examine my part in these fears, harms, etc.
Remember, us alcoholics are selfish! We need to be exposed to exactly how we’ve triggered resentments and the like, if we’re going to understand our part in the suffering of others.
How It Works continues, to the end of the chapter, with information and tips for writing out your fourth step. Pages 64 to 71 of The Big Book are, hands down, some of the most informative writing I’ve ever read. They explain the weird inner workings of alcoholics. They explain things I thought no one would ever understand.
One of these, and one of my favorite quotes, comes towards the end of the chapter:
“Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink” (70).
That’s deep! That passage explains the real meaning of “progress not perfect.” It says guess what, I’m never going to be perfect. I’m going to fall short of who I want to be, and who God wants me to be, but that doesn’t mean I have to drink or drug.
No, just because I fall short doesn’t mean I’m a failure. As long as I keep trying to do better, I’ll be okay. As long as I keep trying to grow as a person, I’ll be okay. As long as I keep trying to put God as I understand God first, I’ll be okay.
by Fiona Stockard | Sep 5, 2014 | 12 Steps
Written By: Fiona Stockard
The Big Book Broken Down – Part Four
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other to recover from alcohol and drug addiction. It was founded in June of 1935, just celebrated its seventy-ninth anniversary, and boasts over two million members.
AA’s central text is the Big Book. With a sponsor and a Big Book, AA members work the twelve steps, and “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (title page).
Today, I’ll be breaking down chapter four, We Agnostics.
We Agnostics
This chapter is all about how to build a relationship with God – with a God of our own understanding! Before we even consider God though, we need to be convinced we need God.
We Agnostics lays out some problems we experience as a result of active alcoholism. It states, “We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people…” (52).
S**t! That described me perfectly. In other words, I was a mess who couldn’t live life! My friends (my REAL friends) and family weren’t shy about telling me the help a Higher Power could offer.
Guess what? This chapter addresses that, too! “…how frequently did we all say, ‘I wish I had what that man has. I’m sure it would work if I could only believe as he believes. But I cannot accept as surely true the many articles of faith which are so plain to him’” (47).
Did the Big Book read my mind? Aside from using male pronouns, that passage sums up all the issues I had with God. Another frequent issue people have with spirituality is that they confuse it with religion. “To others, the word ‘God’ brought up a particular idea of Him with which someone had tried to impress them during childhood” (45).
I certainly relate to that. Everyone has memories of religion being pushed on them as a child. The chapter goes on to say, “Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you” (47).
Okay, so I need to let go of my judgment and intolerance. That’s much easier said than done. Once again, AA seemed to read my mind. This chapter reads, “To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face” (44).
Addicts and alcoholics are the only people I know who weigh that choice! Who else says to themselves, “now, what exactly do you mean by alcoholic death? How bad is it, really?” I’ve been guilty of asking that question once or twice!
So, how do I let go of intolerance and grow? The only way I know is through experiencing enough pain! I’m a bit hardheaded like that! We Agnostics has an answer for people like me, “Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness” (48).
Hmmm. Sounds true to me! I had to get beaten up pretty badly before I was willing to consider God as an answer. Luckily, when I was ready to consider God, AA made things very simple. I was told “We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. ‘Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?’” (47).
That seemed fair to me. I was willing to believe that maybe, just maybe, spirituality could help me. I wasn’t willing to believe in some all-mighty white guy in the clouds though! Once again, We Agnostics has me covered. “Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another’s conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact…” (46).
Wait a minute, you mean not only can I believe in a God of my own understanding, but it doesn’t matter how crummy that understanding is? Sign me up! Now, it was made clear very early on that I couldn’t make a doorknob or a light bulb my Higher Power. That wasn’t going to work. After all, a doorknob isn’t going to keep me sober! I didn’t have to believe in anyone else’s idea of God though. I was free to meet God on my own terms.
I started working my butt off and doing the twelve-steps. Guess what I found? Well, I found a ton of stuff, but most mind-blowing was the idea that I’d actually had faith all along. Seems hard to believe, I know.
This chapter states, “Without knowing it, had we not been brought to where we stood by a certain kind of faith?” (53). My faith in AA, and my sponsor, brought me to the point where I had faith in a Higher Power. Mind = blown!
We Agnostics goes on to state, “Had we not variously worshipped people, sentiment, things, money, and ourselves?” and “In one form or another we had been living by faith and little else” (54).
You mean all along I’d had faith? I believed drugs and alcohol would solve my problems (and they did, until they stopped working!). I believed people would solve my problems (and they did, until they stopped bailing me out!). I believed AA would solve my problems. It did and it hasn’t stopped working.
Huh, I guess I really did have faith all along!
by Fiona Stockard | Aug 22, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Fiona Stockard
The Big Book Broken Down – Part Three
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other to recover from alcohol and drug addiction. It was founded in June of 1935, just celebrated its seventy-ninth anniversary, and boasts over two million members.
AA’s central text is the Big Book. With a sponsor and a Big Book, AA members work the twelve steps, and “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (title page).
Today, I’ll be breaking down chapter three, More About Alcoholism.
More About Alcoholism
This chapter is all about identification. At its most basic, it’s designed to let prospective AA members identify their drinking with alcoholic drinking. That’s what More About Alcoholism did for me. It gave me hope knowing that others drank like I did, yet were able to get better.
On the second page, various methods of controlled drinking are listed. They’d be comical, if I hadn’t tried some myself. Drinking only beer? Been there, done that. Not drinking at work? Been there, done that. Did these methods work for me? Not even a little!
Later in More About Alcoholism, Jim’s story is told. Jim was a used car salesman (big surprise!) who couldn’t stop drinking. He managed to put a bit of sober time together, but relapsed after mixing whiskey with milk. He thought he could drink, as long as he had a full stomach and mixed his drinks! While I never tried this exact pairing, I did mix weed with tobacco. I was convinced I could smoke weed, as long as it wasn’t only weed.
Further on in the chapter, AA compares our alcoholic drinking to jaywalking. We get sideswiped, clipped, maybe ever full on hit, but just can’t stop. Finally, we’re badly injured and taken to the hospital. After getting out, we start jaywalking again. We’re promptly hit by a truck and killed.
Seems a little bit extreme, right? Well, think about how our loved ones view our addiction. To them, we’re just as tragic as the jaywalker. We keep getting hurt, yet can’t stop drinking or using. We’re incapable!
Fair enough, but what if you’re not convinced you’re an alcoholic? Don’t worry, AA has that covered, too. “Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once” (pp. 31-32).
I couldn’t pass this test once, let alone more than once. Then again, it’s a little harder to try controlled dope shooting and crack smoking! Still, the point remains. People that drink like we drink, that use like we use, can’t control their intake. It simply isn’t possible.
Finally convinced you’re an alcoholic? Try this on for size, “The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker” (p. 30).
This was certainly true for me. All I wanted, and I mean all I wanted, was to use like other people. I didn’t understand why every time I drank, or got high, bad things happened. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that I wasn’t able to control my use.
The chapter goes on to say, “We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control” (p. 30) and “Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever” (p. 33).
Again, these were true for me. I could stay clean for short periods, but every time I used, my life rapidly spiraled out of control. Okay, so what could I do to stop? Go to treatment and learn about myself? Yeah, that sounds good!
More About Alcoholism says, “He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet all his reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside…” (pp. 36-37).
Here, alcoholics are introduced to a very important idea. Self-knowledge won’t keep us sober. It’s that simple. Self-knowledge can help normal drinkers stop, but people like me? It just isn’t enough.
In fact, the chapter goes on to say almost those exact words. “But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge” (p. 39).
Why can’t we stop drinking through self-knowledge? I’m not sure of all the reasons, but one is that we simply can’t remember how bad our drinking was! AA members say as much, “They said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots” (p. 42).
So, we have these “strange mental blank spots.” That makes sense to me. There have been countless times where I started getting high without a second though. It didn’t once cross my mind that using was a bad idea.
What can I do? How can I stay sober? How can I live a life where I don’t hate myself and everyone else? Am I screwed? Nope. There’s hope. More About Alcoholism ends with the quote “His defense must come from a Higher Power” (p. 43).
When I first came into the rooms of AA, I didn’t like the idea of God or a Higher Power. Still, I was beaten up enough give it a try. Guess what? The God idea worked better than I ever could have imagined. We’ll learn how in two weeks!
