Firsthand Addiction: What The Family Really Goes Through

by A Women in Sobriety | Sep 10, 2014 | Drug Addiction

Written By: Fiona Stockard

This article originally appeared on Addiction Blog

How Addiction Really Affects The Family

how addiction affects the family
We all know the scare stories about how addicts hurt their families. We’ve heard about the crying parents, the terrified siblings, and the confused aunts and uncles.

We’ve probably experienced them too! I know I took my family to hell and back during active addiction. Will I ever really know what they went through though? I decided to interview my family and find out.

My Parents

Sobriety for Women: So, how’d you do it? I probably scared you both to death for years.

Mom: You did, but that’s part of being a parent too. I’m not trying to take you off the hook by any means, but having kids is a terrifying experience to begin with. It doesn’t help if your daughter is abusing drugs, but even if you didn’t cause one problem, I’d still find something to worry about.

Dad: I saw things a little differently. Your mom is absolutely right, being a parent is an exercise in terror. Seeing your kid take drugs and become a drug addict though, that was rough. It was hard being powerless. I didn’t think that I was powerless for a long time either. I thought that if I were just harder on you, you’d clean up. It took some time to get rid of that way of thinking.

S4W: What was it like seeing me in active addiction?

Mom: It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with, maybe the hardest. Your father talked about being powerless to change your behavior and he’s right. Seeing you hurt yourself over and over and not being able to do anything? That was horrible. It was also hard to understand that you were sick. I think addiction causes a lot of anger. I was angry with you for a long time. I’d stay up late, asking myself “why can’t she just stop? Doesn’t she see how much she’s hurting us and herself?”

Dad: Anger was huge for me, too. I couldn’t understand why you kept using drugs. It was easier to be angry than to confront the fact that my daughter might die. That’s something that no parent wants to consider. Seeing you in your addiction was hard too, because I blamed myself for a long time. I thought that your shortcomings were because I hadn’t raised you right. There was a lot of “I should have” and “why didn’t I?” happening.

S4W: So, again, how’d you do it? How’d you cope?

Mom: A lot of praying! I’m not sure, truthfully. It was hard. We have good friends and they helped a lot. None of them had children who dealt with drug addiction though. Your father and I went to a support group for a year or so. It was offered through one of the outpatient centers you went to. That was a lifesaver. Being able to vent about everything that was going on with you, as well as the issues your father and I were having, was priceless. Even better, the other families would talk to us after. They would let us know that they’d been where we were and things got better. It gave me a lot of hope.

Dad: Yeah, the support group helped a lot. One of the things parents of addicts don’t hear about a lot, and something I want them to know, is that your marriage may suffer. It happened to us. We were so wrapped up in trying to help you, that we ignored each other and, after awhile, we became angry with each other. I think we blamed each other for your issues. So, having somewhere to go and find out that we weren’t to blame, that was important.

My Siblings

I asked my brother some similar questions. He’s two years younger than I am.

S4W:What was my addiction like for you?

Little Bro: It was hard. I was pretty pissed at you while you were using and for a long time afterwards, too. We had some of the same friends and hung out with similar people, so I didn’t get why they were fine and you were a mess. It was hard too because I thought I always had to stand up for you. Even though you were older, it felt kind of like I was protecting you. So, that was pretty stressful.

S4W: I bet! I know we didn’t talk at all towards the end of my addiction. What was going through your head then?

Little Bro: I mean, like I said, I was just really pissed at you. I felt like you’d worn down mom and dad. You made them angry and scared all the time. That seemed really unfair to me. Plus, you kept messing up and they were always there to bail you out. It seemed like no matter how much you f**ked up, they’d take care of you and ignore me. Not ignore, but you know what I mean. Like, it seemed that they took for granted that I was always going to be okay, and you never were.

S4W:So, how’d you get over it? How’d you forgive me?

Little Bro:You just earned it. I didn’t forgive you the day you went to rehab, or for like a year afterwards, but down the line I did. You showed you were different. You showed you were a new person and a new sister. I think you reaching out to me helped a lot, too. You wouldn’t let me stay pissed at you!

Being the Mother of an Addict

by Sally Rosa | Dec 21, 2012 | 12 Steps, Addiction Treatment

Being the Mother of an Addict Isn’t Easy

I’ve been on the journey of recovery with my daughter for six years. Today she celebrates twenty months sober!

That’s almost two years. Remember, I said we’ve been on this journey for six. My daughter, who’s twenty-five, has been trying to get sober since nineteen. Even before that, it was clear something bad was going on.

Over the past twenty months, I’ve learned my daughter’s sobriety is in her own hands. Her sobriety isn’t in my hands. Her sobriety isn’t in her father’s hands. Her sobriety isn’t in her friend’s hands. That wasn’t an easy lesson to learn. It took years to accept and even longer to really feel in my heart.

I’m active in my own recovery as the parent of an addict. That means I go to Al-Anon. I go to a support group. I have my own therapist. My husband and I have a marriage counselor. My daughter, husband, and I have a family therapist.

Halfway Houses Help Addicts

I’m a firm believer in the value of halfway houses. Aside from my daughter going to treatment, going to a halfway house was the best decision she ever made.

Halfway houses are a vital part of any addict’s recovery. I’ve seen the benefit firsthand. My daughter lived in one for eight months. She didn’t always like it, in fact, she often didn’t like it. She stayed though. She stayed and learned how to get better.

Residential addiction treatment sets the stage for long-term recovery. However, it’s putting those skills learned in treatment into daily practice that ensures long-term recovery. Practicing behaviors like accountability, honesty, responsibility, and reaching out allow addicts to enter the “real world” with their heads held high. Practicing these behaviors allows addicts to meet the expectations and challenges that come with being a sober adult.

Halfway Houses Help Families Too

A child’s time in a halfway house helps their family as well. Simple as that.

The months my daughter spent in her halfway house helped me and my husband to address our co-dependency issues. The halfway house staff was invaluable in bringing this issue to our attention. I learned it’s easy to fall back into enabling behavior.

I wouldn’t have been able to work on myself, nor my husband on himself, if our daughter didn’t have the support she needed. I wouldn’t have been able to work on myself if my daughter didn’t have the structure, reinforcement, and personal guidance she received at her halfway house.

My experience of good halfway house providers is that they know how to support addicts in early recovery.

This support includes:

-Holding newly sober addicts accountable for their actions

-Helping them contribute to the house (chores, cleaning, etc.)

-Helping them maintain employment

-Introducing them to recovery communities

-Ensuring participation in twelve-step fellowships

One final benefit of halfway houses is their rent is realistic. It won’t break the addict’s bank. There aren’t any leases to sign, rent is paid week-to-week. This ensures that if someone does relapse, they can be immediately kicked out without losing a lot of money and, more importantly, keeping the rest of the residents safe. These small financial steps help addicts to budget and rebuild their financial life as well.