by Sally Rosa | Jun 30, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Articles are the sole work of the individual author and do not express the opinion of Sobriety for Women
You Want Me to What?!
I came to a halt at step three. “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood Him.” Sounds like a bunch of bulls**t to me. Now, I’m not saying those who have a god of their understanding are bulls**t, so just hear me out.
Some of us grow up with our family’s conception of god. Some of us find our own. Some of us just simply don’t have one. Can we get sober without finding god? Why do we get so hung up on such a small part of the program?
Many questions, from all different types of people, may arise at this point.
The traumatized adolescents – “If god was real, he’d have never let those horrible things happen to me.”
The smarty pants scientists – “I prefer the theories of evolution.”
The Catholic school survivors – “The priests at my school touched my little brother!”
The metal heads – “If my favorite band, Slayer, is anti-god, than so am I!”
The logical thinkers – “Seeing is believing.”
Here’s the scapegoat us addicts have been searching for. Once we see the word “god” in step three, we run for the hills. We just assume the program isn’t going to work. We finally have an excuse to say f**k it (not like we ever really needed an excuse). Well, you don’t have to run anymore because sobriety is possible for all.
Atheists and Agnostics Can Get Sober Too
The program can work for anyone who actually has a little self-will. This s**t is not rocket science. If you don’t want to stop, you’re not going to stop. Plain and simple. Nothing is going to just miraculously push you into recovery if you honestly don’t believe you have a problem with drugs and alcohol. Believing you have a problem with drugs and alcohol is more important to getting sober then believing in a god. If you want to stop, but don’t believe in god, it’s going to be tough, but possible.
The AA Big Book actually has a chapter dedicated to people who don’t believe in god. You can’t pray away an illness, but having the faith that everything will be okay certainly does ease the mind of some people. You’re not doomed to an alcoholic death just because you don’t devote your life to a religion.
As for all you bible-thumping, god-nazis who think you have some sort or minor in grammar, you’re probably critiquing my usage of a lowercase “g” in the word god. Just a quick clarification to avoid dumb comments about it (that I probably won’t read anyway) – I’m using a lowercase “g” because god isn’t a proper noun. Unless “God” is the actual name of your god, it’s lower case. It’s funny because I bet you googled it rather then having “faith” in my facts. Yet most of you have faith that there’s a man who lives in the sky, who built the world in seven days and took your addiction away. Makes a lot of sense. Now, moving on…
I Have A Problem
A few things bother me about the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings I’ve attended. Anniversary night, the celebration of yearly milestones of one’s sobriety, the same things gets repeated and I can’t f**king stand them!
People get up to make their Academy Award speech and always say “This wouldn’t have been possible without god.” That immediately makes me ask myself, “if you didn’t have a god then you wouldn’t have gotten sober? What kind of message is that sending to our newcomers?” Why are there even twelve-steps if the above statement is true. Why not just go to a church and get cured?
I feel like people don’t even know what they’re saying anymore. They’ve just heard the same regurgitated s**t over and over again. They think it’s what we want to hear, so they say it, but I see right through all that nonsense. I know for damn sure god didn’t get me sober. I believe I did a lot more work then god did, when it comes to me and my sobriety. Guess what else? I’m a very spiritual person. It took me a while to find my own conception of a higher power, but the work I put into my recovery is what ultimately saved my life.
I’ve also heard people say, “I had nothing to do with this, it was all god.” Really? You had NOTHING to do with it? Are you that f**king ignorant to truly credit all your hard work to god? I think back to my personal sobriety and god played a very small role in my life. Yet, we have these narrow-minded people telling all our newcomers that god did the hard work. They then b***h at their sponsees for not getting involved or for not doing step-work. In their minds, god’s going to take care of it all and cure them, because that’s what they heard some moron say in a meeting. That is, if they stick around long after they hear the word god.
Yes, I understand faith without works is dead. Let me tell you, you can work without faith, my friend, because at the end of the day the task gets done. Another thing I despise in the rooms is the Lord’s Prayer at the end of meetings. We preach day-in and day-out about how this is a spiritual not religious program, yet we’re reciting a Catholic prayer at the end? I refused to say it the first nine months of my sobriety because I was tortured in Catholic school my whole life. There was no way in hell I was going to utter blasphemous words against my will again. I don’t support organized religion and I shouldn’t be made to say religious prayers at a meeting that has nothing to do with religion.
Credit Where Credit’s Due
I do believe that god has done a lot of good for people. I do believe god has inspired many. God has done a lot for me. I pray often and give thanks to my higher power, but should we really be giving god ALL the credit?
Addicts already struggle with self-confidence and when they accomplish something as big as staying sober for a year, they have to hand over success to an invisible being? Have a little faith in yourself, people. After all, you did most of the work. Maybe this isn’t the case for some people, but I feel like if I took the god steps out of my sobriety, I’d still have been able to get sober. It’s not right that we tell people you can’t move on to step four (the important work) without finding god in step three. If someone gets discouraged from not having a god, or because of resentments against god, and they turn back to a drink or drug, we’re robbing them of a beautiful life.
Own your sobriety! You did it. You came this far. You worked hard for it. You made changes. You mended relationships. You’re self aware. You’re f**king awesome for all that! Take credit for it! Don’t downplay your hard work because you heard someone say a corny line like “If you didn’t drink today, thank your higher power because you had nothing to do with it.” Guess what? You had a lot to do with it.
by Sally Rosa | Apr 28, 2014 | Addiction Articles, 12 Steps
Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves
“A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.
We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up, which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.
Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.”
-A.A Big Book p.64
How Do You Do a Fourth Step?
Well, to get to the fourth step, you must have done the first three! Once we admit we have no control over alcohol, we can come to believe in a power greater than ourselves. Then, we can become willing to put our will and life (thoughts and actions) into that Higher Power’s hands. Then, and only then, are we ready to do Step Four.
There are a million ways to work a fourth step. Each sponsor does it differently. The important part is that we follow some basic guidelines.
First, there are three sections of the a fourth step: resentments, fears, and a sexual inventory. While thinking about and writing each section, we need to always to 100% truthful. That’s the hard part! It’s scary to write everything on a piece of paper. It’s even scarier to think about sharing this with another woman! It’s also necessary to overcome alcoholism and addiction.
What Does a Fourth Step Look Like?
For the resentments section, we
- List all the people, places, or principles we have resentments towards (I’m resentful at…)
- List the cause of our resentment (what happened?, why am I resentful?)
- List how we were hurt or threatened in the following categories: self-esteem, pride, emotional security, finances, ambitions, personal relations, and sexual relations
- List how we played a part, using: selfishness, dishonesty, self-seeking, fear, and inconsideration
- List the exact and specific nature of our wrongs for each resentment
For the fears section, we
- List the people, places, and principals that we fear
- List why we are afraid
- List the parts of our lives which have failed us and resulted in our fears. We use the following categories: self-reliance, self-confidence, self-discipline, and self-will
- List the parts of ourselves that specific fears are affecting. We use the following categories: self-esteem, pride, emotional security, finical, ambitions, personal relations, and sexual relations
- Pray and begin to have faith in a Higher Power. We then pray for our Higher Power to help remove these fears
For the sexual inventory, we
- List all the people who we’ve had sexual and romantic relationships with
- List what happened and what we did
- List the exact nature of our wrongs, faults, mistakes, defects, and shortcomings. We use the following questions: Was I selfish? Was I dishonest? Was I inconsiderate? Was I self-seeking? Was this relationship selfish?
- List who exactly was harmed
- List what we should have done differently
What’s the Point of Step Four?
The Big Book says, “Resentment is the number one offender.” Through working a Fourth Step, we’re able to begin to let go of resentments. Now, losing resentments is a lifelong process, but a thorough fourth step is a great way to start!
Through working a fourth step, we’re able to examine ourselves objectively and honestly (with the help of our sponsor, of course!). We learn the roles we’ve played in our resentments, fears, and sexual conduct. Once we know where we’ve been wrong, we seek spiritual strength and a spiritual solution.
Does it work?
By discovering our emotional conflicts, dependences, displacements, disturbances, scars, complications, appeals, disorders, binges, balances, and insecurities, we’re able to fix them and change. Through change, we’re able to fully connect with a power greater than ourselves and grow in its likeness. Without willingness, courage, and honesty there’s little success for alcoholics like us.
Without Step Four, sobriety is impossible. We may remain dry from booze for periods of time, but we’re unable to live a happy and meaningful life. So, get off your a*s and start writing!
by Sally Rosa | Apr 14, 2014 | Addiction Articles, 12 Steps
What Does Resting On Your Laurels Even Mean?
That’s a good question! Resting on your laurels is when you’re so satisfied with your achievements that you stop growing. You stop making an attempt to grow in the image and likeness of God as you understand God.
Resting on your laurels is serious business! It happens to those new in recovery and those with time. Learning why resting on your laurels can lead to relapse is yet another step towards long-term sobriety.
Page Eighty-Five in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says
“It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. ‘How can I best serve Thee – Thy will (not mine) be done.’ These are thoughts, which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.”
Even AA admits that it’s easy to rest on our laurels! Remember though, sobriety is a marathon, not a sprint! Just because we rest on our laurels for a little while, doesn’t mean we can’t start working a spiritual program of action again. Wait a minute, just what is a spiritual program of action?
What is a Spiritual Program of Action?
This is different for everyone. Basically, as long as you have a Higher Power, which has been found through the twelve-steps, you’re good to go.
That last part is important. We must find our Higher Power through the twelve-steps. Once we’ve found that Higher Power, we need to continue to work steps ten, eleven, and twelve in our daily lives. We need to live in the solution!
To practice step ten, we need to write a personal inventory and reflect on our day. By doing this, we’re able to see where we were selfish and fearful. We’re able to see how our Higher Power can help us change those behaviors.
To practice step eleven, we need to pray and meditate on a daily basis. A simple way of thinking about prayer and meditation is that in prayer we’re talking to our Higher Power and in meditation we’re listening to it. Through practicing the eleventh step, we learn that nothing happens by accident!
To practice step ten, we need to carry the message and help others. That’s how we stay sober. Those of us who’ve finished the steps experience a spiritual awakening. At this point, our perceptions change. We see things in a way we never thought was possible. We’re able to start helping other women.
What Happens When You Rest on Your Laurels?
When you rest on your laurels things progressively get worse. That’s just how it goes. Eventually, you relapse. Because of how alcoholism works, you may be resting on your laurels and not even realize it!
There have been countless stories of alcoholics and what they did to get better. Usually, after a certain degree of success, we feel like we don’t need AA anymore, or that we’re okay where we’re at.
Even after graduating a women’s treatment center, even after completing the twelve-steps, us alcoholics CAN’T do this on our own. We must find a power greater than ourselves. Sober time doesn’t matter. As long as we stay spiritually fit, maintain what we learn through the steps, and continue to grow, we’re going to be okay. We’re going to live a meaningful, sober life.
It’s our choice whether we continue to grow or rest on our laurels. If we do rest on our laurels, we begin to fall back into a dry-drunk life, until we eventually drink. Them’s the facts, kiddos.
by Sally Rosa | Jan 20, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
The Invaluable Task of Making Amends
When I think about the ninth step, I think about god. I can’t help it! During the ninth step is when god came to me. It says in the Big Book that god comes to some slowly and to some all at once. I was blessed to have a white-light experience. It happened when I took a trip home, to make amends.
I’ll get to the good stuff soon, but first let me tell you a little about myself.
My Story
I was raised by a very loving and religious family. God was a huge part of my life, until I turned fourteen. Around that time I consciously turned my back on the belief system I was raised with. Why?, you ask. I met a boy.
He lived in a trailer park, rode a motorcycle, and had bad written all over him. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I mention this bad boy because he’s a huge part of my journey AND a huge part of my ninth step.
I drank for the first time when I was sixteen. I didn’t have that much talked about “I’ve arrived” feeling. I did drink three times as much as everyone else, though. I acted like an idiot, like really an idiot. I ended up locked in a basement, by myself. This was a theme of my drinking career, going overboard. I’d always drink more, do more, need more than everyone else. Back at sixteen though? Back then, we had fun.
By the time I was eighteen, that bad boy? He put me in the hospital. This was the first time I’d been betrayed by one of my solutions. I used going to the ER as an excuse to drink harder and more often. Somewhere around this time is when I crossed that invisible line. That line you can’t EVER uncross.
Now drinking wasn’t a luxury, but a necessity. I finally left the bad boy, but not for any positive reason. He got in the way of my drinking! I have to laugh when I look back on the absurdity of it. More and more people seemed to be getting in the way of my drinking. Soon, I ended up alone. I ended up physically, spiritually, and mentally alone. I’d managed to offend, manipulate, and push away everyone who loved me.
I had some sort of moment of clarity. I don’t know where it came from, but I decided I couldn’t do this anymore. I decided I needed help. For years, this was obvious to everyone else, but I remained oblivious. I reached out to my family and started the most awkward month of my life! The month of trying to get into treatment.
During this month, my family tiptoed around me. They tried their best not to set me off (I was VERY easy to set off). The night before I came to south Florida for treatment, I saw my father cry. This was the first time I’d ever seen him cry. He sat on my bed and held his face in his hands. He asked me, through tears, where I’d disappeared to. I’d never seen this much pain in his face. I’ve never seen as much pain on anyone’s face since. I’ll always remember that night.
The Path to Recovery
I didn’t get this recovery deal right away. I didn’t understand there was actually another way to live. I drank soon after leaving treatment. I struggled. Still, I had a sponsor and was starting to grow. Well, I wanted to grow, anyway.
I managed to stay sober for a few days and began to work the steps. Around the third step, I said my first honest prayer. I asked God to remove my obsession to drink. God didn’t remove this obsession right away, but he did send me some amazing people. These people were laughing, smiling, and talking about God!
I started to write my fourth step. Then, one day, I got a phone call. My teenage heartthrob bad boy had passed away. I was devastated. I was broken. I was ready to drink. I was faced with the choice we all face in early sobriety – to start drinking and go on to the bitter end, or to live and accept spiritual help. I chose to live. I started my fifth step and told another woman how sick I really was. She hugged me and told me she’d never been prouder of me.
I worked steps six and seven. My defects were revealed to me and to my sponsor. I asked God to remove them. Afterwards, I was ready to make my list of amends. Not only was I ready to make this list, but I was ready to find the willingness to face the people I’d hurt. I was ready to take ownership of the mistakes I made and the harm I caused.
Here we are at my ninth step, at my white-light experience.
When I Met God
I was sitting in the airport, about to go home and face the people I’d wronged. I was sitting there and saw a man standing at the check-in desk. He looked terrified. I don’t know what was going on with him, but it suddenly hit me. OTHER PEOPLE HAVE FEAR! Not only fear, but they have feelings. They have feelings that are just as important as my feelings!
This was a VERY new thought. Up to that moment, the entire world revolved around me and what I wanted., I became overwhelmed with compassion for this stranger. In that one moment, everything changed. I became aware of my surroundings and all the people there. I felt gratitude, love, and compassion for each and every one of them. I had a spiritual awakening.
I ran onto the plane, and into my family’s home in Massachusetts, on fire. I made amends with my father. I told him from this point forward I’d be the daughter he raised me to be. I saw my father cry for the second time that day. This time, though, it was for a completely different reason.
I was able to make a graveside amends to my bad boy. That experience was incredible. The only amends I could make to him was the one where I lived. I promised him that I’d never stay when I knew I should go. I haven’t. These promises I was making turned into the morals and values I use to live my life
When I sat down to make amends to my sister, not one thing I’d planned to say came out. I saw things differently, before I even opened my mouth. I realized that over our entire lives I’d taken all our family’s attention. Even though she’d always done the right thing, I’d taken all of her space. There wasn’t any room for her because of how big I’d made myself.
When I returned to Florida, I returned a different person. Since then, I’ve seen this happen to numerous different women. They leave to make amends and, in the process, they become women of integrity. They become women with enormous hearts, enormous amounts of courage.
My ninth step changed the entire world for me. I was awake, aware, and grateful. Now, two years later, I’m still making amends! I’m sure I’ll be making amends for the rest of my life., Fortunately, the worst thing I’ve done is sobriety is steal someone’s cupcake. I had to make amends for that too! It was pretty humbling.
Want to know the most beautiful part about sobriety? Every time I make a mistake, I get an opportunity to grow.
