by Fiona Stockard | Oct 4, 2016 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
I Stayed Sober & She Relapsed…Why?
Remember that friend I talked about last week? The one who I was inseparable from? The one who ran into the boys’ apartment to get water to put out that fire?
Well, she called me not too long ago. We haven’t spoken in a LONG time, years at least I just celebrated seven years of continuous sobriety (yes, weekends and holidays count!). She just got out of treatment…again.
It sucked to hear that. I was so bummed! Here’s a woman who did almost all the same things as me in early-sobriety. We got into trouble together. We got better together. I stayed sober. She didn’t.
Why is that? Why was I able to stay sober for years (and hopefully continue to stay sober for many more), while she relapsed?
Ultimately, I don’t know. I have some ideas, but they’re only ideas. I’ll share them with you below. I’ll also share the story of the first time she drank and how much that crushed me.
Chronic Relapser
I should probably mention two things here. First, my friend’s name is Cindy. It feels weird to keep calling her “her.” Second, Cindy’s a chronic relapser. Since I’ve known her, she’s gotten high a handful of times. And those are only the times I know about.
I say that not to bash her at all. I mean, I was a chronic relapser for a long time! It wasn’t until I started working steps and getting to know a God of my own understanding that I stopped relapsing.
Even then, I’m not sure why I stopped relapsing…which brings me to the story of the first time Cindy relapsed.
We’d been living together for around six months at this point. The fire incident was long behind us. By now we were both heavily involved in the twelve-steps and bettering ourselves spirituality.
In the months we were living together in the halfway house, we saw roommates bounce in and out. We saw girls relapse almost instantly. We saw them do well for a while before taking that first sucker drink. We even saw girls get kicked out while being stone cold sober.
Coming Home Drunk
Cindy was in the same sponsorship family I was. We didn’t have the same sponsor but our sponsors were sponsee sisters. So, I guess we were sponsee cousins? I’ve never been able to figure out how the whole sponsorship family system works!
Like I said above, we lived pretty similar lives. The one major difference is that she was involved in an unhealthy relationship and I wasn’t. Now, that isn’t to say I wasn’t ever involved in unhealthy or codependent relationships. I definitely was!
She came back to the halfway house one night reeking of alcohol. She was a wreck. She said her boyfriend broke up with her and, instead of going to a meeting, she went to the bar.
I called her sponsor who said she would be right over. I called our house manager (who was 100% my guardian angel by now). We sat out front, smoked cigarettes, talked, and waited them both to show up.
Cindy ended up not getting in any trouble from our halfway house. The owner knew she was trying to do the right thing and screwed up. He sent her to a detox just to be safe, but that was it.
Not too long after, like maybe two months or so, she drank again. This time she went off on a run. I didn’t see her for a bunch of months, until she showed up at our home group to pick up a white chip. She’s been in and out ever since.
Why’d She Drink?
Here’s where things get complicated. I honestly have no idea why Cindy drank and why I didn’t when I was in a similar situation.
I know, you’re thinking she drank because she was in a relationship without first being spiritually fit. I don’t know though. I’ve heard people say that before and it’s always sounded a little fishy. Like, does God punish people for not always doing the right thing?
I just can’t wrap my head around that. It seems too close to the idea of a punishing and vengeful God. My God isn’t like that at all. My God is loving, caring, and always has my back. I have to believe Cindy’s God was the same.
I don’t know. I mean everyone has a God of their own understanding, right? Maybe her relationship with her Higher Power was different. Maybe I was just lucky and Cindy wasn’t. Maybe she made a bad decision, set off the physical allergy, and the rest was history.
All I know for sure, with 100% certainty, is that I thank God regularly for my sobriety. I love Cindy and will always love her. She’s like a sister. Still, I’m very happy that she was the one who drank and not me.
by Fiona Stockard | Jun 2, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
We Didn’t Start the Fire!
Welcome back to Halfway House Chronicles: One Woman’s Story of Early-Sobriety. I hope you liked the first one, ‘cause I have lots more where that came from!
When I was coming up with my list of which interesting experiences to write about, I kept coming back to the idea that they should be more than funny stories. I mean, fun and games are good…but where’s the value? Where’s the spiritual lesson in telling humorous stories about early-recovery?
With that in mind, all Halfway House Chronicles are going to have some sort of lesson attached to them. They’ll have some nugget of wisdom I’ve distilled from my (somewhat crazy) early-sobriety antics.
Today, I’d like to share with you all about the time I lit a fire in my sober living house and end with a reflection on God-centered thinking. Sounds like a jump, right? Then read on!
Okay, Maybe We DID Start the Fire…
I was living in the same halfway house I talked about last time. My roommates who were secretly getting high had been kicked out. I got a new roommate who I loved and, more importantly, who was working to better herself spiritually.
We’d go to meetings together, discuss the Big Book together, do yoga together, meditate together, and talk to boys together. In short, we were inseparable and not always for the best reasons!
One day, we were hanging out on the other side of our halfway house “complex” (the house was actually a bunch of apartments in a large complex). We were smoking cigarettes and talking to two boys who were up on their porch.
They started throwing little bits of gravel at us, so, of course, we threw our cigarettes up at them. Makes sense, right? Oh the strange logic of early-sobriety!
Anyway, one of our cigarettes must have fallen from their porch to the bushes in front of us ‘cause, within a minute or two, we noticed A LOT of smoke coming from the bush. We’d accidently lit it on fire!
this is what the fire looked like in my head!
I started freaking out and yelling about how we were going to get kicked out (I probably should have been yelling about how we could have burned the place down). Thankfully, my roommate was more levelheaded. She ran up into the boys’ apartment, grabbed a bucket of water, and dumped it on the bush.
That got rid of the fire and the immediate emergency. At our house meeting a few days later, my roommate and I got called out for going into the boys’ apartment. Apparently someone had seen my roommate run into their house to get water!
I was furious because a) I hadn’t gone into their apartment and b) my roommate only did it to extinguish the fire! I tried explaining that to the owner and house managers. Of course, they weren’t very understanding. They didn’t kick us out, but we were now on thin ice.
And they were right! One of the house managers, the same one who’d given me such good advice when I called her about my old roommates using, took me aside and gave me some MORE advice I still remember to this day.
A Lesson in Humility & God
Here’s where the lesson I was talking about earlier enters the picture (told you we’d get there!). This woman, who I now think was an angel sent into my life to help me during early-recovery, told me a few things.
First, she pointed out that my roommate and myself wouldn’t have had to get water to extinguish the fire if we hadn’t been at the boys’ apartment in the first place. Okay, that’s pretty obvious right? It hit me like a ton of bricks!
She explained that I was looking for attention and outside validation, which is normal for an alcoholic, when I should have been looking to strengthen my relationship with God.
She sat down with me (ironically right in front of where we’d started the fire!) and explained the difference between God-centered thinking and selfish thinking. God-centered thinking, she said, was when someone prayed and meditated and thought of how they could help people.
Selfish thinking, on the other hand, was what most alcoholics were used to. It was thinking about only ourselves and how to get what we want.
She then explained that although I was upset over this whole situation (and on early-curfew!), I could use it as a source of humility and a way to start practicing God-centered thinking. She told me that us alcoholics don’t learn things easily, that we have to bang out heads on the wall a few times to learn a simple lesson.
I can fortunately say I took her advice. I began to pray and meditate more seriously. I began to practice God-centered thinking AND living. Guess what? I haven’t started a fire since! That, my friends, is a miracle!
by Fiona Stockard | May 26, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Early-Recovery is Crazy!
The title says it all – early-recovery is crazy! We’re a whirlwind of emotions (mainly negative ones!), fear, insecurity, anxiety, highs and lows, and all sorts of madness.
It’s not all bad though. It’s also the time when we grow the most! Think about it like this – when we’re at ground zero, there’s nowhere to go but up. I probably grew more, and learned more about myself, in my first six months of sobriety than at any other time in my life.
This column, the newest from Sobriety for Women, will focus on the good, the bad, and the ugly. Admittedly, there’s usually more bad and ugly than good! So, to start things off, let me tell you all about the night I moved into what would become my final halfway house.
A Halfway House Horror Story
I “transferred” halfway houses at around ninety days sober. I say transferred because, to tell the truth, I was kicked out of the halfway house I’d been living in. I didn’t drink or get high, but I wasn’t living by spiritual principles. I was making selfish and impulsive decisions and, wouldn’t you know it, got kicked out.
So there I was, ninety days sober and effectively homeless. I scrambled and found another sober living residence that was willing to take me without a security deposit. Thank God for the kindness of women in this program!
I moved in around dinnertime that night. I met the owner, the house managers, and my new roommates. It turns out I actually knew one of the women living there. We’d previously lived together in another halfway! South Florida is a small place, friends!
This woman, let’s call her “Martha,” was a chronic relapser. I had been too for quite some time, so who was I to judge?
I emerged from my room later that night, around midnight I think, and found Martha and another of our roommates sitting in the living room with belts around their arms. The coffee table was littered with powder, burnt spoons, orange syringe caps, and a bent and dull needle.
To say I was shocked was a bit of an understatement. Just a few hours earlier, the owner had stood in our living room and talked about the power of honesty, willingness, and spiritual living. Martha and our other roommate stood there nodding their heads.
Fast forward to midnight and they were nodding their heads in a completely different way. I didn’t know what to do! I knew what I should do, but there’s a huge difference between should and taking that action.
One thing was for sure though, I knew I didn’t want to get high. I retreated back to my room and called the owner. I was shaking as I called! I didn’t want Martha and the other girl to hate me! Still, I knew if I didn’t talk to someone ASAP than I’d join them. That’s just how addiction works.
The owner didn’t answer, so I called a house manager. She told me to do nothing tonight and they would kick the girls out tomorrow. She told me that, if I needed to, I could leave and sleep on her couch for the night.
We talked for close to an hour. I slept in my new halfway house (halfway home!) that night. After we got off the phone, I prayed for a good thirty minutes or so. I asked God for the strength to stay sober.
The following morning, Martha and our other roommate were kicked out. It wasn’t the big deal I’d made it into in my mind the night before. The owner came over, drug tested them, and they left. It was that simple.
The Power of God
The only reason I stayed sober that night was because of God and the house manager I spoke to. I truly believe that woman was an instrument of God working to help me!
I’d been kicked out of a halfway house that day. I wasn’t living by spiritual principles. I moved into somewhere new, someplace outside of my comfort zone. I saw a woman I was friendly with (calling her my friend might be too much, but we were certainly friendly).
Then, hours later, drugs were placed in front of me. There’s no reason I should have stayed sober. All signs pointed towards relapse. But I didn’t! God was doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself.
That night was the start of my REAL recovery. That night was the start of me listening to, and learning from, others. Although it’s a crazy story, it also displays a powerful and simple truth – we only need to do the right thing to tap into a spiritual power beyond our understanding.
