Firsthand Addiction: What Addiction is Really Like

Written By: Fiona Stockard

Firsthand Addiction: What Addiction is Really Like

The term addiction is tossed around loosely and frequently now-a-days. “I’m addicted to buying shoes,” or “I’m addicted to diet soda,” or “I’m, like, so addicted to being in the club right now!” We hear this stuff everyday. Have we forgotten what addiction really is?

what addiction is really like

Let’s find out what addiction looks like as we explore it from one addict’s perspective.

What is Addiction, Anyway?

Addiction is when someone has a physical allergy to substances, mixed with a mental obsession about those substances, both of which are driven by a spiritual malady. That’s a very twelve-step way of looking at it, but it’s also the only way that’s ever made sense to me.

So, what’s this physical allergy all about? I think of it like having any other allergy. If a bee stings me, the area around the sting gets all puffy and gross. If I use drugs, my body processes them differently, and demands more. My body gets all puffy and gross, metaphorically and literally!

In active addiction, the only way I could stop this physical allergy was to be removed from the drugs. I had to be arrested, or in rehab, or locked in a room without a key. Otherwise, I was going to find a way to use. In sobriety, stopping the allergy is as simple as not picking up a drink or drug.

The mental obsession is exactly what it sounds like. When the thought of using pops into my head, it won’t leave until I use. If you’re not an addict, this is probably the hardest part to understand. Why not just think about something else? Why not see a shrink? It doesn’t work like that for addicts. I don’t know why, it just doesn’t.

Stopping the mental obsession is simple, but not easy! Basically, addicts need to experience an “emotional rearrangement” if they want to get better. Our core values and guiding principals need to be swapped out for new ones. The only way I know to accomplish this is through building a relationship with God. Remember, simple but not easy!

The spiritual malady sounds much harder to understand than it is. Really, it means all the crap that made me use in the first place. Things like low self-esteem, insecurity, anger, resentment, and self-pity. Once these are dealt with, the spiritual malady goes away.

The best way to remove these things is through God. While therapy helps tremendously, it isn’t a replacement for getting in touch with a higher power. Again, I don’t know why this is, it just is.

How Can I Tell if I’m an Addict?

Addiction boils down to two things, control and choice. Sounds too simple, right? Diagnosing addiction based on just two criteria? There are doctors who charge thousands of dollars to determine if you’re “really” an addict. Just ask yourself the following two questions:

• When I use drugs, can I choose when to stop?

• For that matter, can I choose when to start using, or does it just sort of happen?

If you answered no to one question, you may have a problem. If you answered no to both, you’re probably an addict.

It’s important for me to make clear – I’m not a doctor! All my advice is based on my own experience with addiction and recovery. Everything I know, I learned through treatment and twelve-step fellowships.

What I’m trying to say is – don’t be an idiot. Get a second opinion. If you’re dealing with cancer, you’d get a second opinion. Treat addiction just as seriously as cancer. Trust me, it is.

I’m an Addict…What Can I Do?

There are a ton of options available for treating addiction. We’re lucky ‘cause this wasn’t always the case. Treatment options include:

• One-on-One Addiction Therapy
• Intensive Outpatient Treatment
• Outpatient Treatment
• Inpatient Treatment
• Twelve-Step Fellowships (AA, NA, CA, etc.)
• Self-Help Groups (SMART Recovery, Rational Recovery, etc.)

What do these treatment options mean for the still sick and suffering addict? Simply put, they mean get off your ass and start getting better! A ton of options are available, don’t be lazy. There’s no better day than today to change your life!

Fake It ‘Till You Make It!

Written By: Fiona Stockard

Fake It ‘Till You Make It

“Fake it ’till you make it” is one of the many slogans I heard early on in AA. I thought most of the slogans were stupid, but this one, I could never really wrap my head around it.

Fake…what, ’till I make…what? Fake my smile? Fake my laugh? Fake my sobriety?

Now that’s an interesting take on a commonly used slogan! I began to fake my sobriety, I began to wear a mask.

fake it till you make it

Fake Sobriety

I was told early on that action precedes thought. That if I take an action, my thoughts would change too.

So, I took the first action and many more after that. I went to meetings. I raised my hand to speak. I shared my experience, strength, and hope (I know now I was only sharing my craziness!). I talked to new girls. I really did “act as if.”

I got high on some weekends, plain and simple. I didn’t use every weekend. By this point, most of my friends were sober. The guy I was dating was sober. I couldn’t afford to use every weekend, but now-and-again, I’d sneak off and get loaded.

I prayed. I wasn’t honest with myself though, so there was no way I was honest with God.

I became the queen of recovery! Everyone thought I was doing so well. Hell, that’s all that matters anyway, right? My parents were off my back. My legal issues had all been resolved. I had a “great” life. I literally faked it and made it. I found the loophole!

Well, as soon as I thought I found that loophole, I started to get sloppy. I couldn’t control my hidden use anymore. It wasn’t every third weekend anymore. It was everyday. The mental, emotional, and spiritual torture was too much. I stopped going out. I stayed home, hiding from friends. I watched the entire series of LOST (which I still don’t get!) and it was a pretty great metaphor for my life. I was lost!

I basically lost everything all over again, except for my job. I couldn’t lose my job, it was the only way I was supporting my expensive as hell drug habit. To put it another way, I let the s**t hit the fan. Finally, I reached out for help.

Let’s be honest here. I didn’t reach out for help, I was caught. My boyfriend finally noticed that when I went out, I came home with tiny pupils. He found the bottle of gin under my bed (yeah, I still wonder what he was doing under there too). I came clean. I let it all out. I admitted I had been faking it, I was never truly sober.

Here’s the deal, I wanted to be sober. When I was high, I messed everything up. I spent a ton of money. I became a lone wolf. The people that loved me got hurt. Those things all suck. BUT, did I want to be sober because I couldn’t imagine never drinking another beer? Because I couldn’t imagine snorting another pill? At this point, nope.

Real Sobriety!

I finally got a sponsor and came clean about what was going on in my life. I still fight this battle everyday though. I have 100% faith that AA works. I’ve seen it work in hundreds of people. I’ve seen the change and growth occur in my friends and even some family members.

Still, I’m “faking it ’till I make it.” This time though, I’m being honest. I’m staying sober in spit of myself. I know the truth, my best thinking isn’t the best at all.

I have no idea what’s going to happen. I have no idea if all of a sudden a lightbulb will go off and I’ll truly have made it. Maybe I’ll always be faking it. I just know that today my life is good. I smile. For the first time in my life, I’m honest. That’s all I have and for today, that’s more than enough!