How a Recovering Alcoholic Should Run for President

How a Recovering Alcoholic Should Run for President

By: Tim Myers

Good Evening People of the United States,

Well, my wife and I are here before you today to announce that the rumors are true. I, Timothy K. Myers, am running for President of The United States of America.

Over the next year my opponents are going to say a lot of things about me. Many of them, probably most of them, will be negative. Some will be true and some will be false. Listen, I can handle any mud they decide to fling. What I cannot handle is lies.

how a recovering alcoholic should run for president

I don’t think it’s okay for politicians to lie to the American people. So, right here, right now, even before my fellow candidates have a chance to tell the world all the horrible things about me, I’m going to do it for them. At least this way, you, the American people, will have the facts.

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I have not used drugs or alcohol for over four years. I went to a meeting today and I’ll go to one tomorrow. I don’t plan on this changing and I don’t plan on drinking ever again. Yes, obviously, in the past I drank too much and I did some pretty bad things.

This one time I drove drunk…and then I drove drunk about 300 more times. I never got caught. Go ahead check for an arrest record. I did get charged with criminal trespassing though.

I was nineteen and ran on to a professional baseball field drunk (as I’m sure you can imagine). I just wanted to play in the big leagues, you know! Anyway, the cops got one time called because I vandalized my dorm in college. Not just my dorm room, the entire dorm. We threw all the toilets out the window and all the mirrors and all the sinks. I didn’t get in trouble though. See, I informed on my roommate.

I failed out of three colleges, but finally got my music business degree. Not sure that will help me as President, but Jay-Z thinks I’m cool.

I had a bunch of girlfriends and can’t remember most of their names. I’m sure they’ll remember mine though. As soon as I start appearing on TV, you’ll see them on CNN too.

Guess how many rehabs I’ve been to? Nine. That’s a record.

I visited about a dozen crack houses. I bet I’m going to be the only President who did that. I call it getting to know my constituents.

alcoholic politicians

I once was so drunk I got hit by a train… and lived! Now, if you ask me, I want a President who got hit by a train. That’s one tough Commander and Chief.

Oh and I died once. Yup, died. I drove drunk, crashed my car, and my lungs and heart stopped. Thank God for Ben Franklin, ‘cause those paddles shocked me back to life in a hurry! No need for a VP folks. I already died once, it’s not going to happen again. It’s impossible.

Okay, about the drugs, I tired ‘em all except heroin. I mean, I gave Tiffany money to get me some, but she always came back high, with no money, and no heroin for me. I don’t get it. I did love cocaine though.

Also, in the last 4 years I got a job, a career, helped over 100 men stay sober, met a woman, got married, bought a home, bought two cars, a dog, and two cats. I pay my bills, pay my taxes, and people love me.

I made mistakes. I will not make them again. I’ve been in the ditch, so I can show America the way out.

My name is Tim Myers. I am an alcoholic and I am running for President. So, what were those bad things you were going say about me?

My Dog Helps Me Stay Sober!

My Dog Helps Me Stay Sober!

By: Tim Myers

Man’s Best Friend

My dog keeps me sober. Or I guess you could say he helps. He doesn’t go to meetings, doesn’t have a sponsor, and he has never worked a step. When he talks, I can’t understand a single thing he says. He’s very good at listening.

I can say things to him that I can’t say to another human being. When I’m done I feel so much better because at least I’m not holding on to them any more.

my dog helps me stay sober

If I want to sleep in, well, I can’t because he needs to go out. If I want to skip work, you guessed it, I can’t because I need to make money to pay for the massive amount of dog food I have to buy. I feed him twice a day, walk him three times, and play with him as much as I can. He has a pretty tight schedule, so I do too.

He keeps on task, on time, and on point. He brings a rigidity and structure to my life that I have never had before. Want to stay out late? I can’t, he needs me. Want to blow out of town for Vegas? I can’t, he needs me. My dog, in a way, makes sure I’m everywhere I need to be, when I need to be there. You see…he needs me.

I need him too. When I’m sad, depressed, and worn out, he’s there. He thinks everything is cool and funny and he picks me up when I’m down. Want to meet women? Want to meet men? Want to meet friends? He’s great for that.

Feel like rushing into a relationship because you’re lonely? Don’t bother if you’ve got a dog like I’ve got mine. There’s always something to do with him and he always wants to do something. Boredom, isolation, and fear? Haven’t seen them since I got my dog.

I’ve been a part of his life since he was three months old. I’ve seen him grow, develop, change, fall, get back up, learn, smile, and poop. He’s seen me grow, develop, change, fall, get back up, learn, smile, and poop.

I’ve worried about him and he’s worried about me. I’ve taken care of him and he’s taken care of me. I give 100% for him expecting nothing in return. Well, I expect that he won’t bite me. He gives 100% to me expecting nothing in return. Well, he expects treats.

My dog has never been to a meeting and has no idea that I’m an alcoholic, yet he has helped me more than a lot of people in recovery. Many people in recovery have helped me get to where I am today, but many have hurt me as well and, yes, I have hurt people too. But my dog hasn’t.

He steers me toward the right direction every single day. He’s never faltered and he never will. He loves me for me and, through this relationship, I’ve learned to treat people better. I have learned the meaning of friendship.

My dog has never seen me drunk and as long as I have God, AA, and a dog…he never will.