by Fiona Stockard | May 14, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Recovery
Pain in Sobriety
It’s like a rite of passage everyone knows about and no one is looking forward to. It’s not a secret by any means. It’s talked about openly and honestly in meetings all over the world. It’s the big show everyone knows they have tickets for and will see at some point. Okay, I’m out of analogies, but you get what I’m talking about – hitting a bottom in sobriety.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve hit an emotional bottom in sobriety before. This isn’t my first rodeo. I’m also positive this won’t be my last. Nonetheless, here I am. Hi!
Just How Do You Reach a Bottom in Sobriety?
Let’s do a quick check on what led me to this bottom. First, let’s talk about meetings. For the past month or so, I’ve been doing to one meeting a week, unless I’m the speaker. Then I’d go to two meetings a week. You’d think that would count, but for me it doesn’t. Okay, so my meeting attendance is way down. Check. What’s next?
God. Now, God’s my Homie. I love God. I’m not ashamed to say that by any means. Lately, though, I’ve let a few things come between my relationship with God. I know that when I let my spiritual connection slip, some form of pain is headed my way.
What’s left on the checklist? Oh, right, carrying the message. Taking women through the steps has been a constant in my life. Lately, I’ve put it on the back burner. Because I’m so important, right? Welp, I’ve been slacking in that department as well.
Time for a quick recap on my checklist. How did I hit this emotional bottom in sobriety again?
– Slacking on meetings
– Slacking on God (including, but not limited to, praying, mediating, and self-inventory)
-Slacking on helping others
Let’s stop here. Three is more than enough. Clearly, not doing these three things has led to a bottom in sobriety. Trust me, it’s not fun! Being restless, irritable, and discontent are NOT qualities of life I enjoy. I become short-tempered, easily flustered, and annoyed at pretty much everyone in the world. Yep, the entire world.
I’m sure everyone reaches different types of sober bottoms and the characteristics that lead to them. I’m also sure that everyone reacts to sober bottoms differently. This is my experience though. This is how I reached a point where I’m miserable as f**k and stone cold sober.
Getting Out of That Pesky Bottom
So, now what? I’m here at bottom. Do I write a blog about it and tell other people how much it sucks be here? Well, that’s a start. I feel better seeing this on paper (or a computer screen) and realizing exactly how I ended up here. In fact, only fifteen minutes ago I was thinking, “sneaking bottom came out of nowhere!” Obviously, this isn’t the case. My bottom’s been coming for weeks due to my lack of action.
Now, I pray. I’m going to remind God I’m here and apologize for leaving again. After that, I’m going to a meeting. I need them, even when I think I don’t. I need them especially when I think I don’t. They’ve helped to keep me sane throughout all my years in sobriety. Last, but certainly not least, I’m going to work with another alcoholic. Not only is helping new women a bright spot in my life, but it instantly makes me feel better.
Hitting a bottom in sobriety is no fun (no s**t, you’re probably saying). Taking preventative measures is a MUCH easier route. Continue to do the things that got you sober in the first place. However, if you do end up resting on those old laurels, if you do end up slacking like me, just resume taking action! It’s that simple, I promise.
by Fiona Stockard | May 10, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Benefits of Sobriety
Fun in Sobriety?
The first time I tried to get sober I was 19. This was December, 2006. I’d dropped out of college after the first semester of my sophomore year. I thought I was like every other nineteen year old girl. Turns out, most nineteen year olds can go to class sober. Turns out most nineteen year olds don’t black out every night.
My parents realized long before I did how unmanageable my life was. They sent me to rehab and that’s where I perfected the art of telling people what they wanted to hear, of sliding under the radar. I wanted to have the willingness to get sober, but the truth is, I just didn’t. See, getting sober wasn’t worth it to me. I thought you couldn’t have fun in sobriety. I wouldn’t get sober for another five and a half years.
During this time, I didn’t much fun at all. I laughed sometimes, but always at the expense of someone else. I laughed because making fun of someone else made me feel better about myself. I gossiped because it made me feel better about myself.
Fake Fun in Fake Sobriety
I had periods of abstinence during those five plus years, but never actually worked a program. I couldn’t imagine a life without drugs or alcohol, let alone being able to have fun sober.
The truth is, during those periods of abstinence, I still had all my old behaviors. I lied, cheated, stole, and manipulated. I just didn’t use substances. I felt even worse during this time, if that makes sense. I didn’t have drugs to cover my feelings. I was a raw nerve and living a miserable existence. I remember doing activities that should have been fun. I even thought I was having fun sometimes. Really, I was just trying to fake it ’till I made it.
I thought if I didn’t change my attitude, or behaviors, but laughed when other people did, it might rub off on me. That didn’t happen. After awhile, I didn’t think sober people could have fun at all. I thought everyone else was doing what I was, faking a happy life. So, I went on one hell of a run. I used for a year and a half. During this time, some very close to me passed away. It was only then that I began to realize my crippling addiction. It was only then I began to realize I didn’t want to live this way anymore.
Real Fun in Real Sobriety
My sobriety date is January 17, 2011. I got sober on my 24th birthday. I’d love to say that I did the right thing from the start, that I finally had willingness, but I didn’t. I had to experience more pain, this time while in treatment, to become willing.
I was in an intensive inpatient treatment center for seven months. After about six months, I found what would become, and still is, my home group. I remember going to this meeting and seeing so many young people smiling, so many young people having fun. The crazy part was they were sober! You mean I can have fun in sobriety? This was a new idea for me. I saw clients returning from pass with sober-supports. They were happy and looked like they were having fun. This boggled my mind. I asked myself hundreds of times “are they really having fun in sobriety?”
I realized these people were only happy because they’d worked through the twelve-steps and found a new way of life. I decided I wanted what they had. I got a sponsor who began to take me through the steps. Eventually, I did a fifth step and learned my life had been driven by self-centered fear. I started going out with people after meetings. I slowly began to have fun in sobriety.
Still, I wasn’t 100% sure what people actually did for fun in sobriety. I soon learned, you do the same thing normal people do! You go out to dinner, to movies, to concerts, to friends’ houses. To this day, some of the best moments I’ve had have been sitting at a friend’s apartment, just talking and laughing.
I remember being in a friend’s car one day. We were joking around, laughing, and generally having a good time. He looked at me and said “If I knew sobriety was this fun, I’d have gotten sober a long time ago!” I couldn’t agree more. I thank God everyday for finding me a home in Alcoholics Anonymous. I think God everyday for the simple fact that I can be happy. I thank God everyday for being able to have fun in sobriety.
by Sally Rosa | May 3, 2013 | Sobriety For Women, Addiction Treatment
Love In Sobriety
I’ve done a lot of things wrong in my sobriety, a lot. The one thing I can absolutely say that I’ve done right is how I approached finding love in sobriety. As I write this, I’m two weeks from marrying the love of my life, the man I’m positive my higher power wants me with. Hopefully, I can share some of my experience to those struggling with finding love in sobriety.
When I first got sober I was advised of one thing, and only one thing, regarding relationships – don’t get in one for a year. This was fine with me. The only experience I had with dating at this point was one long-term relationship (which ended horribly) and a few casual hookups. I didn’t trust men at all and found it easy to stick with women.
I got a sponsor and began working steps. I surrounded myself with strong women in recovery, women I could share anything with. In fact, these were the first people I learned to love in sobriety. I loved them before I loved myself. We spent every weekend together, laughing, dancing, and having a good time. I learned who I really was. I learned how to live life. These women taught me how to truly love myself.
Through all of this, God was with me. I built a relationship with my higher power by working the twelve-steps. I learned to love God. I learned to trust God. I became sure God had a plan for me. Because of this, I was perfectly happy waiting for the romantic relationship that God would be fit to place in my life. I was sure that if I was meant to find love in sobriety, God would provide for me. That isn’t to say I wasn’t impatient. Sometimes I was. I was lonely going to bed by myself every night. I was lonely watching my friends fall in love in sobriety. Hell, I was even lonely watching my friends fall out of love in sobriety. I was there for my friend’s weddings, births, and breakups. Still, I felt unqualified to give my friends and sponsees relationship advice.
And then, there he was, my love. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. I just knew there was an attraction between us. An attraction I hadn’t felt in a long time. Geographically, we were separated, so I only saw him a few times a year. We were friends for several years. I managed to convince myself that I didn’t have feelings for him. I began to take action about my dating situation. I hadn’t been in a relationship in over five years! I’d worked on myself, done two 5th steps, and worked with countless sponsees. I loved myself. I was ready! I began to seek love in sobriety like I never had before.
Then this guy, my friend, moved to where I was living. He moved in with a friend of mine, in fact. We began spending a lot of time together. We spoke everyday. I became confused about how he felt about me. I’d speak to my sponsor about him at length. In the end, I decided to let God guide things. If God wanted us together, we’d end up together, and that was that. Not long afterwards, we began dating. I knew deep inside, in my heart and soul, this was the real deal. I’d found love in sobriety.
We’ve had our ups and downs, but through it all I’ve been convinced this is the man God wants for me. As long as we keep God at the center of our lives, nothing can shake the love we’ve built.
by A Women in Sobriety | May 2, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Sobriety For Women
My name is Katie Maslin and I’m an alcoholic and addict
I was born in Orlando, Fl in 1973. My parents were in a rock band. My parents divorced, and the band broke up, when I was three. My first experience with drugs was witnessing my Uncle Joe kill himself. He was high on PCP and shot himself with a shotgun. He was seventeen. I was four.
My Childhood
When I started school, my mother worked in a dress shop during the day and sang during the evening. I didn’t see much of my father. My mom struggled financially. She was a single mother after all. I always felt less than and was self-conscious. I was bullied constantly during elementary and middle school. My nickname became “welfare princess.” We were never even on welfare! Though we did live in the “projects” for awhile. This only added to my low self-esteem.
In high school, things started to get a little better. I met a nice guy and we dated for years. My mother met a nice man and finally got married. No more living in the projects for us! I began to model at a local department store. I entered Teen Magazine’s modeling contest and was a finalist! I appeared in the magazine and won a small scholarship from Maybelline. I even entered the local Miss American Prelim Pageant. I won! I was on my way to the Miss Georgia Pageant!
My Struggles with Addiction
Up to this point, I’d never done drugs or drank alcohol. All I wanted was to be the next Miss America. I was a straight A student and had been accepted to Georgia Southern University. With the money I’d already won modeling, and a few more scholarships, my education was completely covered.
When I got to GA Southern, I got in the BEST Sorority. I was on top of the world. Then I found out my wonderful boyfriend of four years had been unfaithful. I was crushed to my very soul. I left GA Southern and took the rest of the year off to prepare for the Miss Georgia Pageant. I went back to my high school job, waiting tables at a local restaurant. It was there I was introduced to cocaine for the first time.
My friend told me coke would help control my eating. That’s all I needed to hear. I was off and running. I started drinking with my coworkers every night after work. We drank and did coke all night. I felt like I’d finally found a diet plan that worked! Add vodka into the equation and I was, again, on top of the world!
I took cocaine with me to the Miss Georgia Pageant. Needless to say, I didn’t win. That wasn’t a good day.
Shortly afterwards, I met my first husband at a bar called Murphy’s Tavern. Oh, he was a dapper man! Guess what his job was? He was a Master Sommelier, a wine expert. Whoo-hoo!!! It was love at first sign. Two weekends later, we conceived our son in Donald Trump’s guest bedroom. Two weekends after that, we were married at the Lyford-Cay Club in the Bahamas.
We both got a lot more than we bargained for. He got a quickly blooming addict wife and I got a verbally abusive husband. After our son was born, I began to use coke again. My husband bullied me about my weight everyday. The more he said, the more I wanted to use and drink. It was at this point that i was introduced to crack. Crack changed EVERYTHING.
My Life Went From Bad to Worse
After a few years, my husband got a job offer in Palm Beach, at the Mar-A-Lago Club, with Donald Trump. We were moving. I wouldn’t have any connections! What was I going to do? What if someone found out? One night, I went out looking for crack with my son in the car. I can hardly write this part. I saw a prostitute walking. I gave her money and she took me to get some crack. I was off to the races, but what was I going to do with my son? It was suggested that I leave him with a “babysitter” for a few hours. He’d be fine and I could get him at anytime. Fast forward a few hours. I rented my car out for more crack. It wasn’t returned. I had no idea where I was or how to get back to my son.
I later found out someone took him to a convenience store and left him there, crying in the aisle. I was found a week later. I’d been on one hell of a run. I was arrested in a prostitution sting. My husband filed for divorce. It was time to get help. I went through treatment. Afterwards, I could only have supervised visitation with my son. I did this for two years and I worked through my case with Family and Child Services. Finally, I was granted joint custody! I stayed sober for over two years.
During this time, I met a man at a local AA meeting. He was a recent drug court graduate and had four years sober. He made me feel safe and soon we were dating. Within weeks, we moved in together. I had a fairly successful eBay business and was able to cover my child support. Everything was going great. Until my new boyfriend’s parents passed away. He brought back his father’s “leftover” morphine. I’d always had back problems. I thought “what the heck?” and did some. Needless to say, by the end of the day we were doing coke and drinking wine. I didn’t consider it a full blown relapse since I didn’t smoke crack.
A couple of weeks later, we moved to Palm Beach Gardens. Within a few months, we were both smoking crack. Between both of us, we were using about $1000 of crack a day. My son was with us some of time. We spent a lot of time in the bathroom. Soon afterwards, I had my first seizure. My boyfriend and I began to write bad checks to support our habit. After a friend overdosed in our bathroom, we were evicted. I decided to take my son and go to my father’s house in Orlando. I hadn’t slept in four days. I passed out at the wheel and flipped my car on I-95. By the GRACE OF GOD, my son and I weren’t hurt. My Blazer though? It was totaled.
I took my son back to his father. It was years before I saw him again. My boyfriend and I were now officially on the run. the police were looking for us, so we started living our of our van, using all day and night. My boyfriend eventually got caught. I went back to Georgia and checked myself into treatment. It was there I found out I had a warrant out as well. I served my time, paid my restitution, and did my probation. While in treatment, I met my second husband at an AA meeting. I moved in with him immediately after getting out of treatment. After I got out of jail, we married.
We relapsed together shortly thereafter. This was an EXTREMELY abusive marriage. The police were called often, but I always refused to press charges. I even wrote the judge to get my husband OUT of jail. I felt like I deserved the abuse. During this time in my active addiction, I was brutally beaten, gang-raped, and pimped-out by my husband. I began to injury myself during seizures. One time, I had to have seventeen staples put into the back of my head. I’d almost died after smoking crack, passing out, hitting my head on the sink, and loosing over a pint of blood. Another time, I had my feet covered in paint-thinner and set on fire. I ended up with third-degree burns. I was wheelchair bound for three months.
Around this time, I began to be prescribed oxycodone for all my injuries. I quickly became addicted. Somehow, I found a little bit of sense and divorced my husband. I was on the streets again. I was soon sick and tired of being sick and tired. I entered treatment again. I stayed there for six months. After getting out, I briefly reunited with my second husband. I ended up pregnant. Almost seven months into my pregnancy, I relapsed again with my second husband. This time, he beat me so badly that, after being released from the hospital, I was put into a Safe Woman’s Treatment Center. He broke my jaw and I wasn’t able to eat for a month. I stayed at this treatment center until I was about to give birth. At this point, my second husband was in jail. I was safe to give birth.
My second precious angel was born healthy and right on time. However, at my six week check up, I found out I had endometriosis and PID. I had to have a complete and immediate Hysterectomy.
Afterwards, I began to feel strong again. I went back to school, for the third time, and got my counseling certification as a Certified Peer Support Specialist. I got a job at one of the treatment centers that I’d been a patient at so many times.
My wonderful boyfriend and I got married. He was so nice AND had no history of alcohol or drug abuse. I’d really picked a winner, finally. One day, I had a dentist appointment. Did I tell them I was an addict? Nope. They prescribed codeine syrup and I drank the entire bottle in one evening. By four AM, I was out on the street looking for crack. Some random man was driving my car. I had a small seizure. Then he stole my car! I ran into a gas station to get some beer and the guy drove off with my car, my phone, and MY DOG! The next morning, I entered my final treatment center. That was October 6th, 2009. In treatment, I found out I had Hepatitis C. I was, once again, told I needed long-term treatment for my addiction and alcoholism.
(No, I never found my dog. The police did find the car a few months later though.)
The Blessing of Recovery
My husband and I found a wonderful addiction specialist in upstate NY. My husband found a new job. Unfortunately, at this point, my little boy’s father had more clean time than I did. My parents had temporary guardianship of my son due to my relapses. I wouldn’t be allowed to take him with me. This was exactly why I hadn’t agreed to go to long-term treatment before. I didn’t want to leave my baby. My husband assured me that I’d be able to fly home and see my son one a month. That seemed fair to me, so off to upstate I went.
After my initial thirty day treatment ended, my husband moved up to NY. I continued with therapy. I’d suffered a lot of memory loss from my seizures and head injuries. I had PTSD. I went through intensive therapy for three years. During this time, I began to receive treatment for my Hepatitis. I had blood tests every six months. The virus hasn’t come back!
Today, I live back in Georgia. My husband and I live within five miles of my youngest son. He’s now five years old. I still have joint custody, but I pray that one day this will change. I’m working on strengthening my relationship with my oldest son. He just turned sixteen.
I run the Facebook page Sisters of Serenity and Sobriety. I believe I’ve been given a second chance at life. It’s my mission to help other women recovery from this horrible disease. Stop by and say hello!
Sisters of Sobriety and Serenity
