by Fiona Stockard | Jul 16, 2013 | Recovery
Addicted to Recovery
Hi, I’m Krissy and I’m an alcoholic. I grew up in a small town on the outskirts of Boston. From as far back as I can remember, I felt apart from, instead of a part of. Until I found alcohol, anyway!
I can’t remember when I learned how to tie my shoes or what my first birthday was like, but I can tell you EVERYTHING about my first drink. I can tell you where I was, who I was with, what I was wearing, even what the weather was like! After that first drink, I couldn’t imagine living my life without alcohol. For me, alcohol was a channel, a way to be comfortable in my own skin. I never realized it was going to be a catalyst for grave destruction.
In my early twenties, I worked as a bartender and went to college. Daytime drinking and partying all night were normal. Needless to say, I soon crossed that invisible line where alcohol was a need and no longer a want. I’d tell myself I needed alcohol to feel normal, or that I’d just have one. Turns out one drink is too many and a thousand drinks are never enough. When the party was over, when everyone was moving on with their lives, I was left alone. I was left alone with my disease.
It wasn’t too long before I found myself suffering from an anxiety disorder. I unsuccessfully tried to fix this with alcohol. Panic attacks dominated daily life, which, in turn, fueled my addiction. The only solution I knew was alcohol.
By now, I was drinking every night, often to the point of functioning blackouts. I found myself in jails, hospitals, and more unfamiliar places than I can count, but I still wasn’t willing to admit I had a problem. However, I was willing to quit drinking for long stretches. Of course, these would be followed by destructive relapses. Half-measures availed me nothing!
I was told, on my last trip to the ER, if I continued down this road, I’d die. By the next morning, I was willing to admit total surrender to my disease. I admitted that I was an alcoholic, powerless and hopeless. I crawled my ass into a sunrise meeting, broken and scared. This is when my recovery journey began.
Honesty, openness, and willingness were taught to me. I walked through hell for over a decade and I was finally ready to experience freedom. I opened up my heart and my mind. Amazingly, the mental obsession began to lift and people could see glimpses of my old self peaking through.
Today, I am truly grateful to feel what it’s like to be recovering from my disease. I’m finally at peace with my past. I have a sponsor, work the steps, and participate in service to keep myself focused in my recovery. My life has miraculously changed and for that – I’m truly grateful.
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by A Women in Sobriety | Jun 16, 2013 | Benefits of Sobriety
I Won’t Love You to Death!
Sobriety is a life changing experience no matter where you are. Still, you’re told to get as many sober supports as you can. They help you deal with the emotional up’s and down’s that occur in early sobriety. So, when I found myself states away from my family, I questioned if I would make it. If I did make it, I questioned how our relationship would be affected. My relationship with my family was affected, but in a way I NEVER could have imagined!
Before I made the decision to get sober, I was with my family daily. They’ve always been supportive of me, even through the tornado of my active alcoholism. I knew they were always there for me, but I wasn’t capable of being there for them. My alcoholism hindered my ability to be a daughter and a sister. I wasn’t able to support my father when his brother, my uncle and godfather, passed away. I wasn’t able to support my father while he battled cancer. I wasn’t there for my mother through the death of her mother. I have more examples of selfishness than fingers on my hands.
Probably the scariest part is that I truly believed I was supporting my family through all these events. In sobriety, I learned that simply being physically present isn’t enough. Alcoholism blinded me from the pain I caused others. Pain through my actions and inactions. Pain through my constant screw ups. When I finally hit enough pain in my own life, I agreed to make a change and seek help. This decision wasn’t easy. My parents say me down and my mother said the words that changed my life forever. I won’t love you to death. This was the first time I realized how my actions affect other people.
Getting Better Far Away
I moved many states away from my family, to go to treatment, and now live thousands of miles away. This change was the hardest thing I’ve ever done! I wanted my family to be there and support me, just like they always did. I went through so much it seemed like a phone call was never enough.
I missed major events in their lives! My sister gave birth to two children. I missed birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, deaths, and the small, daily struggles my family went through. Here’s the thing, even though I wasn’t there for any of these major events, I was present. I was supportive. For the first time, I helped my family.
Today, through maintaining physical and emotional sobriety, I’m able to be the daughter and sister my family deserves. I can have actual conversations with my family. I can give back the support they’ve shown me my entire life. Although it’s hard to be so far away from them, I’m in their lives more today than I ever was.
I was promised that if I continue to do what I’m supposed to do, I’ll be able to mend my broken relationships. This promise came true in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Being able to support my family gives me more gratitude than anything else. We’ve never been closer than we are now and we live thousands of miles apart! Sobriety’s give me my family back, no distance can ever change that!
by A Women in Sobriety | Jun 9, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Sobriety For Women
What is Anxiety?
Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about something with an uncertain outcome. Who here has ever experienced some form of anxiety? I bet most everyone reading this has. I certainly have. Anxiety is both a mental and a physical disorder that affects billions of people worldwide.
Anxiety, Addiction, and Recovery
Addiction and anxiety occur together all the time. In fact, studies show that most addicts suffer from some form of anxiety. This anxiety could take the form of:
-Social Anxiety
-Phobias
-Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
-Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
For years, addicts mask these anxieties by using and engaging in other unhealthy behaviors. This temporarily removes the discomfort that accompanies anxiety. Addicts are often asked if their anxiety existed before their addiction, or if their addiction caused their anxiety. This is like asking which came first, the chicken or the egg? In the end, does it really matter? As long as both anxiety and addiction are being treated, who cares which came first?
Amanda, five years sober from heroin, admits her constant struggle with anxiety. “When I experience anxiety, it’s an overwhelming physical symptom. I begin to experience a rapid heartbeat, excessive sweating, and headaches. It’s often unbearable.” When asked how she handles her anxiety, she states, “I do breathing exercises I was taught. I breathe in for five seconds, hold my breath for five seconds, and breathe out for five seconds. I repeat this about ten times, or ’till my breathing slows down and my heartbeat settles back to a normal pace.”
Anxiety and Recovery: Should Medication be Prescribed?
This question is often posed. Amanda claims that when she experiences an anxiety attack, she has the tools she needs without medication. She believes her anxiety stems from a spiritual disconnect, which can be corrected by working a twelve-step program. However, everyone’s unique. Other addicts may be unable to function without proper medical treatment.
“I’m like another person when I’m not on my medication,” states Dana, an addict with 18 months sober. “I’ve suffered from anxiety my entire life. When I take my medication, as prescribed from my doctor, only then is it manageable. It’s not something that God or any other activity can correct. I need outside help.”
Outside help is always an option for the addict who suffers anxiety. The first step is to identify if we are self-inflicting these feelings, or if they’re coming from another source, something outside of our control. It’s important the sufferer understand what anxiety they suffer from and how it affects them.
Anxiety is never fun. It’s uncomfortable and unsettling to those who experience it. It’s important to understand that there IS a solution to this discomfort, once you’re able to identify the causes and conditions it stems from.
by Fiona Stockard | May 22, 2013 | Sobriety For Women, Addiction Treatment
Relapse: A Four Letter Word
I want to share my experience with relapsing. I’m kind of an expert! I relapsed a bunch of times before I finally got sober for good.
It’s frustrating and confusing to deal with relapse, both for the addict and their loved ones. Pay attention now, ’cause I’m going to let you in on a secret! You relapsed? Your child relapsed? Your significant other relapsed? It’s not the end of the world. There’s hope. There’s always hope! We shouldn’t ever give up on ourselves. Our loved ones certainly don’t.
Our loved ones don’t understand though. My parents, and pretty much everyone else, couldn’t understand why I kept relapsing. I hope my experience can benefit everyone seeking a better understanding of relapse.
So, Why Did I Relapse?
It’s hard to keep focus and hope in the face of repeated relapses. Trust me, I know this as well as anyone. Still, it’s important to remain confident that this time you’re going to stay sober! We learn from each relapse. Rather than looking at them as set-backs, we should view them as learning experiences. I’ve certainly come to view them this way. Each of my relapses took me one step closer to getting sober for good. I gained knowledge, and learned much needed lessons, each time I used.
Obviously, I still had a lot to learn. Still, each and every relapse brought me closer to learning what I needed. To put it another way, I relapsed multiple times because I still had something to learn from my addiction. I had to learn how to deal with emotional pain caused by difficult situations and traumatic memories. The more I used over these things, the more I realized that using wasn’t the answer!
I had to relapse again and again for this knowledge to be burned into my consciousness. After all, as an addict, I’m sort of an expert at fooling myself! I had to learn to get honest, with others and myself. I heard this over and over at meetings, but never internalized it.
My relapses reinforced the simple fact that drugs weren’t worth it. What was it? My life, sanity, health, and family. Drugs weren’t worth all that. Each time I used, this belief became stronger and stronger until, finally, I couldn’t deny it any longer.
Other Reasons I Relapsed
Another reason I used over and over, despite the negative consequences, is because I wasn’t strong enough yet. I built the strength and resolve to stay sober through every mistake I made. Each relapse took me closer to my bottom.
See, I had to really hit bottom. I had to hit my bottom. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought, said, or did, until I was at bottom, I wasn’t going to have the resolve to stay sober. Until I did something I said I’d never do, I wasn’t done. Until I crossed that line, I wasn’t done. Now, don’t get me wrong, I crossed a lot of lines in my addiction. That final line though? For some reason that one really hit home. It made me realize just how painful addiction is.
I can’t quite explain why this was different than my other stupid decisions. I’m not sure if it was just an accumulation of all the crap I’d done up to that point. I’m not sure if it was just the final straw. I am sure that we all have to find that one moment that’s our own bottom. We have to face changing or losing ourselves forever.
Relapse made me understand there was NO controlling my use. If I said I could control it, I was only fooling myself. Relapsing didn’t mean I’d never get sober, it just made me a stronger person from the lessons learned. So, please, don’t lose hope! Keep trying and take with you the lessons from each relapse!
-Charmed
