by Fiona Stockard | Oct 4, 2016 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
I Stayed Sober & She Relapsed…Why?
Remember that friend I talked about last week? The one who I was inseparable from? The one who ran into the boys’ apartment to get water to put out that fire?
Well, she called me not too long ago. We haven’t spoken in a LONG time, years at least I just celebrated seven years of continuous sobriety (yes, weekends and holidays count!). She just got out of treatment…again.
It sucked to hear that. I was so bummed! Here’s a woman who did almost all the same things as me in early-sobriety. We got into trouble together. We got better together. I stayed sober. She didn’t.
Why is that? Why was I able to stay sober for years (and hopefully continue to stay sober for many more), while she relapsed?
Ultimately, I don’t know. I have some ideas, but they’re only ideas. I’ll share them with you below. I’ll also share the story of the first time she drank and how much that crushed me.
Chronic Relapser
I should probably mention two things here. First, my friend’s name is Cindy. It feels weird to keep calling her “her.” Second, Cindy’s a chronic relapser. Since I’ve known her, she’s gotten high a handful of times. And those are only the times I know about.
I say that not to bash her at all. I mean, I was a chronic relapser for a long time! It wasn’t until I started working steps and getting to know a God of my own understanding that I stopped relapsing.
Even then, I’m not sure why I stopped relapsing…which brings me to the story of the first time Cindy relapsed.
We’d been living together for around six months at this point. The fire incident was long behind us. By now we were both heavily involved in the twelve-steps and bettering ourselves spirituality.
In the months we were living together in the halfway house, we saw roommates bounce in and out. We saw girls relapse almost instantly. We saw them do well for a while before taking that first sucker drink. We even saw girls get kicked out while being stone cold sober.
Coming Home Drunk
Cindy was in the same sponsorship family I was. We didn’t have the same sponsor but our sponsors were sponsee sisters. So, I guess we were sponsee cousins? I’ve never been able to figure out how the whole sponsorship family system works!
Like I said above, we lived pretty similar lives. The one major difference is that she was involved in an unhealthy relationship and I wasn’t. Now, that isn’t to say I wasn’t ever involved in unhealthy or codependent relationships. I definitely was!
She came back to the halfway house one night reeking of alcohol. She was a wreck. She said her boyfriend broke up with her and, instead of going to a meeting, she went to the bar.
I called her sponsor who said she would be right over. I called our house manager (who was 100% my guardian angel by now). We sat out front, smoked cigarettes, talked, and waited them both to show up.
Cindy ended up not getting in any trouble from our halfway house. The owner knew she was trying to do the right thing and screwed up. He sent her to a detox just to be safe, but that was it.
Not too long after, like maybe two months or so, she drank again. This time she went off on a run. I didn’t see her for a bunch of months, until she showed up at our home group to pick up a white chip. She’s been in and out ever since.
Why’d She Drink?
Here’s where things get complicated. I honestly have no idea why Cindy drank and why I didn’t when I was in a similar situation.
I know, you’re thinking she drank because she was in a relationship without first being spiritually fit. I don’t know though. I’ve heard people say that before and it’s always sounded a little fishy. Like, does God punish people for not always doing the right thing?
I just can’t wrap my head around that. It seems too close to the idea of a punishing and vengeful God. My God isn’t like that at all. My God is loving, caring, and always has my back. I have to believe Cindy’s God was the same.
I don’t know. I mean everyone has a God of their own understanding, right? Maybe her relationship with her Higher Power was different. Maybe I was just lucky and Cindy wasn’t. Maybe she made a bad decision, set off the physical allergy, and the rest was history.
All I know for sure, with 100% certainty, is that I thank God regularly for my sobriety. I love Cindy and will always love her. She’s like a sister. Still, I’m very happy that she was the one who drank and not me.
by Fiona Stockard | Jun 4, 2015 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Are Relapse Triggers Real?
My name is [insert generic name here] and I’m an alcoholic. My name is [insert even more generic, but still kind of hip, name here] and I’m an addict.
Those are words we’ve all said countless times. I know I have. I say them each morning when I wake up (just to remind myself of who and what I am), during the go around at meetings, when I raise my hand to share, and when I’m asked to speak. These words are ingrained in my consciousness.
What do they really mean though? Well, through my understanding of alcoholism and addiction, I believe they mean that I’m someone who suffers from a mental obsession, a physical allergy, and a spiritual malady.
Of course there’s a lot more that goes into being an alcoholic (selfishness, unhealthy relationships, etc.), but those three points are at the center of my alcoholism.
But guess what? Two of the three can be treated. Two of the three can be given a daily reprieve. Two of the three can be made better.
This only happens through doing the work (which isn’t really work at all but I can’t think of a better way to phrase it!). Once I admit defeat, get a sponsor, start doing stepwork, get in contact with a God of my own understanding, and start practicing spiritual principles in all my affairs, I also start getting better.
Once I do these simple things, the mental obsession is removed and the spiritual malady is reversed. Of course, they can always come back, but so long as I’m living right…they don’t. It’s that simple.
So, this has all been a long way of making a simple point – I don’t believe that triggers exist. Maybe they do in early-recovery, before we do the work, but once we get spiritual fit, well, we also say goodbye to relapse triggers.
A Bold Claim
I’m not a doctor. I’m not a therapist. I’m not a certified addiction councilor. I don’t have any fancy letters next to my name. I’m just a woman in long-term recovery from drugs and booze.
So, my claim might be a little bold. My assertion that drug relapse triggers don’t exist for spiritually fit individuals might be a little much. I stand by it 100% though.
Want to know why? Because I’m living proof of it. Myself, and millions of other men and women, are walking proof that triggers don’t exist.
Since getting sober, I’ve been around people drinking more times than I can count. You know how many times it’s phased me? How many times it’s made me want a drink myself? Not once.
I’ve been around people smoking pot (a position I don’t like to put myself in, but one that has happened) a handful of times. Did I ever want to take a hit of the joint, a puff on the pipe? Nope.
These things don’t trigger me because, and this goes back to what I mentioned above, I no longer have an alcoholic mind. I’ve recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
Two Things to Remember
Now there are two important, strike that two critical, things to consider – we don’t get better overnight and our spiritual condition is subject to change.
First, we don’t get better overnight. For my first six months of sobriety, I stayed away from all alcohol. If my friends were going to a bar to shoot pool, a concert, or anywhere that served alcohol, I wasn’t there.
I knew I still had an alcoholic mind. I knew I wasn’t strong enough in my recovery to be around alcohol. So I didn’t put myself in those situations. Simple as that.
Second, our spiritual condition is in constant flux. One day we may be super connected and another we may not be connected at all. It’s important to be in touch with where we’re at on any given day.
If you’re spiritually connected, triggers don’t exist. If you’re not, well, triggers can be very real. If you’re not spiritually connected, instead of going to the bar to shoot pool, it’s a good to work with another alcoholic instead.
And that isn’t just my bright idea. It says so in the Big Book and that, as they say, is that!
by Sally Rosa | Feb 9, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Relapse Isn’t Mandatory
I recently stumbled across an amazing article on Huffington Post. It was an examination of relapse, recovery, and how normalizing relapse doesn’t benefit anyone – addict or family.
The author, Candace Plattor, is a clinical counselor and an individual in long-term recovery. She’s been sober for over twenty-seven years! That’s pretty impressive! She’s been sober for longer than I’ve been alive! Rock on, Candace!
I found her essay moving because it speaks to something that any woman, or any man for that matter, in recovery can attest to – the prevalence of relapse and the increasingly relaxed attitude surrounding it.
Now don’t get me wrong, relapse happens and we should treat those who slip with love and compassion. Lord knows I’ve relapsed before. If those in recovery hadn’t reached out and offered me a hand back up, I don’t know if I’d be here today.
That being said, I think Candace makes some good points. I think she’s offering a new way of thinking (which is really a throwback to an old way!) about relapse, recovery, and the struggle to stay sober one day at a time.
The Power of Willingness
One of the first points Candace makes, and something I’ve experienced firsthand, is that we need a great deal of willingness to get and stay sober. I can attest this is absolutely true! What’s more, I bet most of you reading can attest to the same thing.
I needed the willingness to check myself into treatment. I needed the willingness to get a sponsor. I needed the willingness to work the twelve-steps honestly and thoroughly. I needed the willingness to face my issues and work on them. I needed the willingness for a million other things as well.
Candace writes, “A huge part of that choice to get help and stay in recovery was that I had to be willing to learn how to face a life that wasn’t very pleasant without the use of mind-altering drugs” (Huffington Post).
That willingness didn’t come easy! It was only when everything else, including drugs and booze, had stopped working that I found it. I know I lacked any level of willingness in some of my halfhearted early attempts at sobriety.
Guess what happened during those attempts? I relapsed. I returned to opiates and alcohol because I wasn’t willing to do the work. I wasn’t willing to face the pain. Were my relapses required, though? Were they necessary parts of my sobriety?
Absolutely not!
Sobriety Isn’t Easy but It Isn’t Impossible
Another point that Candace touches on is how sobriety can oftentimes be incredibly difficult. Once again, raise your hand if you’ve experienced that yourself. Everyone’s hand is up? That’s what I thought!
While Candace struggles with Crohn’s Disease, I’ve struggled with mental health issues like anxiety and depression. I think any alcoholic, if they take a moment to reflect, can come up with a handful of serious issues they’ve struggled with in sobriety.
Now, oftentimes these struggles can be easy excuses for relapse. They can be an easy way to avoid facing the pain mentioned above. Fortunately, they don’t have to be.
Candace writes,
“That was an amazingly difficult time in my life, but the inner strength and self-respect I gained from that experience…have made me the person I am today, a person who’s proud of herself and knows she can handle the tough times. I’m grateful for that, and I’d love it if we could all feel that way about ourselves” (Huffington Post).
I love that! It’s so true that we gain strength, faith, and inner-love from facing and overcoming the challenges of life. It’s sort of like that saying “if you want self-esteem, do esteem-able acts.” If you want inner-strength, flex your God-muscle and face your demons!
Relapse is a Choice
Something I personally tend to forget is the simple fact that, for someone who’s gone through the steps, relapse is a choice. It’s nothing more and nothing less. For someone who’s had the obsession to drug and drink removed, picking up a drug or a drink is a conscious choice.
In her essay, Candace touches on this. She says,
“It’s absolutely up to the addict, whichever way they go in terms of staying abstinent or not — millions of clean and sober addicts show us every day that relapse is NOT a normal, expected part of recovery…” (Huffington Post).
Now, it’s important to remember this isn’t true for women who haven’t had the obsession removed! In early-sobriety, relapse often happens because the mental obsession returns and we have to drink. It’s not a choice, but rather a manifestation of the “strange mental blank spots” the book talks about.
Once we’ve gone through the steps, though, and had a spiritual awakening, relapse becomes 100% a choice. It’s at this point that personal responsibility and culpability enter the picture. It’s at this point that being of service to those who need it becomes of the utmost importance!
What do you think about relapse not being a required part of recovery? Let us know on social media!
by Fiona Stockard | Oct 1, 2014 | Sobriety For Women
Written By: Fiona Stockard
My Name is Fiona and I’m an Addict
It took me far too long to say those words. It took me even longer to mean them. My road to recovery from substance abuse began the first time I made myself vomit. See, before I could imagine getting better, I had to get worse.
Growing up, I always felt like the weirdo, the odd-woman out (turns out most addicts felt this way!). I was overweight and had low self-esteem. I suffered from anxiety and depression. In turn, I felt like a piece of crap everyday.
My Story
At eleven years old, I made myself throw up and instantly felt better. That’s kind of sick, right?
I didn’t lose tons of weight. I didn’t become suddenly popular. The boy I had a crush on didn’t ask me out. What did happen was that I gained control. On some tiny level, I finally had control over my body, over my mind.
Fast-forward a couple of years, I found out pills worked better than vomiting. Fast-forward a couple of years from that, I found out heroin worked better than pills. Oh, and guess what? Cocaine and heroin worked best.
By seventeen years old (before I was even legally an adult!), I was one hot mess. I was addicted to multiple drugs, living on the street, and alienated from my family. I was more addiction than person. Luckily, my mom just wouldn’t give up on me. She got me a plane ticket and a bed in one of south Florida’s most prominent treatment centers.
That wasn’t happily ever after though. Though treatment was an amazing experience, I relapsed afterward. Life was hell for another year. Eventually, I went to another treatment center and got better. Turns out all I had to do was change everything. Though this sounds hard, it was so much easier than the alternative.
If my story sounds like a bad afterschool special, that’s because it is. I was a statistic. I was the story you told your kids to scare them. Today, well today, I’m much different. I’m writing this, exposing myself, in the hopes that other women might not have to go through all I did.
What I Needed WASN’T What I Wanted
I’ve been around the block when it comes to rehab. I’ve been admitted twice to in-patient, residential programs, and been to more intensive outpatients (IOPs) than I can count. I knew the system. More accurately, I knew how to beat the system.
It wasn’t until multiple therapists, doctors, and addiction professionals had called me on my s**t, that I began to heal. To put it another way, what I needed wasn’t what I wanted.
What I needed was an all women’s rehab, therapists who examined ALL aspects of my life, supportive peers, and aftercare. In my IOP experiences, I received none of the above. IOP works great for a lot of people, I can’t stress that enough. But for this broken woman (for this broken GIRL really), IOP didn’t even allow me to cut down my use.
My first time in residential treatment, I had two of the four. I was in a women’s treatment center and had great peers. What I didn’t receive was comprehensive clinical care, or any aftercare.
My second time in residential treatment, I had four out of four. I was surrounded by incredibly warm and supportive women, the entire treatment team kicked my metaphorical ass, then built me carefully back up, and the rehab looked after me upon discharge. Guess what? As a result of all that, I began to change. I was given hope and I wasn’t trading that hope for all the drugs in the world.
Recovery is For People Who…
Addiction treatment is a vital and necessary part of recovery, but ultimately it’s only the start of a lifelong process. Treatment offers a ton of crucial services (like those I mentioned above), a place to be physically separated from drugs, guidance, and hope. What treatment doesn’t offer is the desire to get better. That has to come from within.
Remember, I drank and used after my first visit to residential treatment. This was largely due to not being provided the safe environment rehab should be, but also because I wasn’t ready to change.
To put it a much simpler way, a woman needs the desire to heal more than ANYHTING ELSE. What women in sobriety need is a fire within their chests, a voice that won’t stop repeating, “you can do better, you can get better, you ARE better!”
