by Fiona Stockard | Jul 19, 2013 | Body Image / Eating Disorders
Alcoholism and Anorexia
In terms of healthy body image, living in a resort town was really intimidating! I was obsessed with going out every night. I was obsessed with looking sexy! There was a problem though, I wasn’t as thin as my friends.
I found myself full of self-pity and jealousy. One night, staring down into my empty cocktail glass, I realized that drinking actually made me full! I could probably lose weight if I supplemented my meals with alcohol! I thought I’d found the golden ticket to being thin.
I began skipping breakfast, running five miles a day, working all evening in a bar (which burned a ton of calories), and then going out all night. As the weeks moved forward, I realized I was losing weight at a rapid rate! At 5’8″, I dropped from 135 pounds to 97 in only a few months.
Of course, there was a downside to my rapid weight loss. I was suffering from anemia, hair loss, extreme dehydration, depression, and constant anxiety. On top of all that, my lack of eating was contributing to daily alcoholic blackouts.
The Progression of Alcoholism and Anorexia
A year later, I was so thin that I agreed to participate in counseling, at the repeated urging of friends. Soon, I was clinically diagnosed with anorexia. Of course, I was in complete denial. I had a problem? No way!
I continued down my destructive path because I was so obsessed with the attention I was getting. Everyone told me how thin I was and how I looked like a model. I continued to visit my counselor and slowly began to learn about what I was doing to my body. She told me about how the lack of nutrients in my body was causing it to process alcohol slower. So, that explained my blackouts! A healthy liver can metabolize one drink an hour. Mine could metabolize one drink every few hours. My counselor told me how much liver damage I was doing to myself.
I still wasn’t ready to change, but I was ready to listen. I learned that alcoholism is significantly more harmful to woman than men. This is because women don’t possess an enzyme that helps metabolize alcohol. I learned that women who drink frequently are at a greater risk for cirrhosis of the liver than men, even if they drink less, or for shorter periods of time. I learned that if I continued to drink alcoholically, and deprive my body of key nutrients, I’d soon end up with cirrhosis or pancreatitis.
The Turning Point
Here I was at the turning point. I had to make a decision about my life. I was battling two evils, alcoholism and anorexia. Finally, after several trips to the ER, I decided I was ready to admit total defeat. I accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic, an anorexic, and if I didn’t seek help soon, I’d die.
I got a sponsor and began to work a strong recovery program. I went through the twelve-steps to regain my spirituality. Through the steps, I also found emotional wellbeing and a healthy body image. I began to truly experience the freedom of bondage to my alcoholism and eating disorder.
Today, I continue to work a program, because I believe recovery’s a life-long journey. I’m truly grateful for all the experiences in my life. I’m truly grateful to have been given the gift of freedom.
by Sally Rosa | Jul 18, 2013 | Drug Addiction
Today’s Question of The Day – What Does Powerlessness Mean to You?
by Fiona Stockard | Jul 16, 2013 | Recovery
Addicted to Recovery
Hi, I’m Krissy and I’m an alcoholic. I grew up in a small town on the outskirts of Boston. From as far back as I can remember, I felt apart from, instead of a part of. Until I found alcohol, anyway!
I can’t remember when I learned how to tie my shoes or what my first birthday was like, but I can tell you EVERYTHING about my first drink. I can tell you where I was, who I was with, what I was wearing, even what the weather was like! After that first drink, I couldn’t imagine living my life without alcohol. For me, alcohol was a channel, a way to be comfortable in my own skin. I never realized it was going to be a catalyst for grave destruction.
In my early twenties, I worked as a bartender and went to college. Daytime drinking and partying all night were normal. Needless to say, I soon crossed that invisible line where alcohol was a need and no longer a want. I’d tell myself I needed alcohol to feel normal, or that I’d just have one. Turns out one drink is too many and a thousand drinks are never enough. When the party was over, when everyone was moving on with their lives, I was left alone. I was left alone with my disease.
It wasn’t too long before I found myself suffering from an anxiety disorder. I unsuccessfully tried to fix this with alcohol. Panic attacks dominated daily life, which, in turn, fueled my addiction. The only solution I knew was alcohol.
By now, I was drinking every night, often to the point of functioning blackouts. I found myself in jails, hospitals, and more unfamiliar places than I can count, but I still wasn’t willing to admit I had a problem. However, I was willing to quit drinking for long stretches. Of course, these would be followed by destructive relapses. Half-measures availed me nothing!
I was told, on my last trip to the ER, if I continued down this road, I’d die. By the next morning, I was willing to admit total surrender to my disease. I admitted that I was an alcoholic, powerless and hopeless. I crawled my ass into a sunrise meeting, broken and scared. This is when my recovery journey began.
Honesty, openness, and willingness were taught to me. I walked through hell for over a decade and I was finally ready to experience freedom. I opened up my heart and my mind. Amazingly, the mental obsession began to lift and people could see glimpses of my old self peaking through.
Today, I am truly grateful to feel what it’s like to be recovering from my disease. I’m finally at peace with my past. I have a sponsor, work the steps, and participate in service to keep myself focused in my recovery. My life has miraculously changed and for that – I’m truly grateful.
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by A Women in Sobriety | Jun 16, 2013 | Benefits of Sobriety
I Won’t Love You to Death!
Sobriety is a life changing experience no matter where you are. Still, you’re told to get as many sober supports as you can. They help you deal with the emotional up’s and down’s that occur in early sobriety. So, when I found myself states away from my family, I questioned if I would make it. If I did make it, I questioned how our relationship would be affected. My relationship with my family was affected, but in a way I NEVER could have imagined!
Before I made the decision to get sober, I was with my family daily. They’ve always been supportive of me, even through the tornado of my active alcoholism. I knew they were always there for me, but I wasn’t capable of being there for them. My alcoholism hindered my ability to be a daughter and a sister. I wasn’t able to support my father when his brother, my uncle and godfather, passed away. I wasn’t able to support my father while he battled cancer. I wasn’t there for my mother through the death of her mother. I have more examples of selfishness than fingers on my hands.
Probably the scariest part is that I truly believed I was supporting my family through all these events. In sobriety, I learned that simply being physically present isn’t enough. Alcoholism blinded me from the pain I caused others. Pain through my actions and inactions. Pain through my constant screw ups. When I finally hit enough pain in my own life, I agreed to make a change and seek help. This decision wasn’t easy. My parents say me down and my mother said the words that changed my life forever. I won’t love you to death. This was the first time I realized how my actions affect other people.
Getting Better Far Away
I moved many states away from my family, to go to treatment, and now live thousands of miles away. This change was the hardest thing I’ve ever done! I wanted my family to be there and support me, just like they always did. I went through so much it seemed like a phone call was never enough.
I missed major events in their lives! My sister gave birth to two children. I missed birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, deaths, and the small, daily struggles my family went through. Here’s the thing, even though I wasn’t there for any of these major events, I was present. I was supportive. For the first time, I helped my family.
Today, through maintaining physical and emotional sobriety, I’m able to be the daughter and sister my family deserves. I can have actual conversations with my family. I can give back the support they’ve shown me my entire life. Although it’s hard to be so far away from them, I’m in their lives more today than I ever was.
I was promised that if I continue to do what I’m supposed to do, I’ll be able to mend my broken relationships. This promise came true in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Being able to support my family gives me more gratitude than anything else. We’ve never been closer than we are now and we live thousands of miles apart! Sobriety’s give me my family back, no distance can ever change that!
