by Fiona Stockard | Jun 1, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Benefits of Sobriety
How to be Grateful in Recovery
“You know, when I blew out my birthday candles this year I didn’t wish for anything…I simply said Thank You.”
BAM. Gratitude at its finest. Who says that? Who says I’m happy enough that there’s nothing else I need to wish for, not even on my birthday wish. A free wish! Well, a grateful alcoholic said those words to me.
We’ve all heard the saying that you can’t be resentful and grateful at the same time. In moments of hardship, it’s best to remember what we’re grateful for.
A month ago, a woman sat in front of me, broken and confused. She had another relapse under her belt and one more reason why AA wasn’t the answer. She wasn’t sure if sobriety was the right choice, but decided to give it a shot anyway. Not the half-measure, one-foot-in attempt she’d done in the past. She decided to give a real, honest effort at sobriety. One prayer later, she’d been given a sign that launched her into action.
See, gratitude is an action word. I hear that all the time, but what does it mean? What does it mean to be grateful and sober? How does someone become a grateful alcoholic or addict? I asked myself that question a million times in early sobriety. I’d hear people with some time talk about how grateful they were. WHY?! Didn’t they see where we were? We were stuck in South Florida, in a stuffy, little room littered with slogans like “Easy Does It.” There were E-Cigs being smoked the entire time, too! How could they be grateful?
For months this question plagued me. I didn’t understand! To me, grateful and sober clashed more than wearing pink and green. After I started to do some work on myself, after I developed a relationship with God, after I developed a relationship with sober people, my feelings began to change. Things I’d been sure of my entire life began to change. My reaction to life began to change. I began to become happy.
Not too long afterwards, I finally understood what it meant to be grateful and sober. The sentence my friend said, about simply saying “thank you” on her first sober birthday, hit me like a truck. Not only because it was an original saying I’d never heard before, although I did think it was so adorable! It hit me hard because I need to remember gratitude. As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I need to be reminded to be grateful for how good my life is today.
After being sober a few years, life has shown up. The pressure of being responsible adult has been filling me with fear lately. So, what does God do to shut me up? He places a newcomer in my life to remind me how exciting sobriety is. He places a newcomer in my life to remind me how wonderful life is and how the little things can make the best day ever. It’s experiences like this that make my sobriety worth more than anything in the world. Today, I’m grateful to be sober.
by Fiona Stockard | May 14, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Recovery
Pain in Sobriety
It’s like a rite of passage everyone knows about and no one is looking forward to. It’s not a secret by any means. It’s talked about openly and honestly in meetings all over the world. It’s the big show everyone knows they have tickets for and will see at some point. Okay, I’m out of analogies, but you get what I’m talking about – hitting a bottom in sobriety.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve hit an emotional bottom in sobriety before. This isn’t my first rodeo. I’m also positive this won’t be my last. Nonetheless, here I am. Hi!
Just How Do You Reach a Bottom in Sobriety?
Let’s do a quick check on what led me to this bottom. First, let’s talk about meetings. For the past month or so, I’ve been doing to one meeting a week, unless I’m the speaker. Then I’d go to two meetings a week. You’d think that would count, but for me it doesn’t. Okay, so my meeting attendance is way down. Check. What’s next?
God. Now, God’s my Homie. I love God. I’m not ashamed to say that by any means. Lately, though, I’ve let a few things come between my relationship with God. I know that when I let my spiritual connection slip, some form of pain is headed my way.
What’s left on the checklist? Oh, right, carrying the message. Taking women through the steps has been a constant in my life. Lately, I’ve put it on the back burner. Because I’m so important, right? Welp, I’ve been slacking in that department as well.
Time for a quick recap on my checklist. How did I hit this emotional bottom in sobriety again?
– Slacking on meetings
– Slacking on God (including, but not limited to, praying, mediating, and self-inventory)
-Slacking on helping others
Let’s stop here. Three is more than enough. Clearly, not doing these three things has led to a bottom in sobriety. Trust me, it’s not fun! Being restless, irritable, and discontent are NOT qualities of life I enjoy. I become short-tempered, easily flustered, and annoyed at pretty much everyone in the world. Yep, the entire world.
I’m sure everyone reaches different types of sober bottoms and the characteristics that lead to them. I’m also sure that everyone reacts to sober bottoms differently. This is my experience though. This is how I reached a point where I’m miserable as f**k and stone cold sober.
Getting Out of That Pesky Bottom
So, now what? I’m here at bottom. Do I write a blog about it and tell other people how much it sucks be here? Well, that’s a start. I feel better seeing this on paper (or a computer screen) and realizing exactly how I ended up here. In fact, only fifteen minutes ago I was thinking, “sneaking bottom came out of nowhere!” Obviously, this isn’t the case. My bottom’s been coming for weeks due to my lack of action.
Now, I pray. I’m going to remind God I’m here and apologize for leaving again. After that, I’m going to a meeting. I need them, even when I think I don’t. I need them especially when I think I don’t. They’ve helped to keep me sane throughout all my years in sobriety. Last, but certainly not least, I’m going to work with another alcoholic. Not only is helping new women a bright spot in my life, but it instantly makes me feel better.
Hitting a bottom in sobriety is no fun (no s**t, you’re probably saying). Taking preventative measures is a MUCH easier route. Continue to do the things that got you sober in the first place. However, if you do end up resting on those old laurels, if you do end up slacking like me, just resume taking action! It’s that simple, I promise.
by Fiona Stockard | May 10, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Benefits of Sobriety
Fun in Sobriety?
The first time I tried to get sober I was 19. This was December, 2006. I’d dropped out of college after the first semester of my sophomore year. I thought I was like every other nineteen year old girl. Turns out, most nineteen year olds can go to class sober. Turns out most nineteen year olds don’t black out every night.
My parents realized long before I did how unmanageable my life was. They sent me to rehab and that’s where I perfected the art of telling people what they wanted to hear, of sliding under the radar. I wanted to have the willingness to get sober, but the truth is, I just didn’t. See, getting sober wasn’t worth it to me. I thought you couldn’t have fun in sobriety. I wouldn’t get sober for another five and a half years.
During this time, I didn’t much fun at all. I laughed sometimes, but always at the expense of someone else. I laughed because making fun of someone else made me feel better about myself. I gossiped because it made me feel better about myself.
Fake Fun in Fake Sobriety
I had periods of abstinence during those five plus years, but never actually worked a program. I couldn’t imagine a life without drugs or alcohol, let alone being able to have fun sober.
The truth is, during those periods of abstinence, I still had all my old behaviors. I lied, cheated, stole, and manipulated. I just didn’t use substances. I felt even worse during this time, if that makes sense. I didn’t have drugs to cover my feelings. I was a raw nerve and living a miserable existence. I remember doing activities that should have been fun. I even thought I was having fun sometimes. Really, I was just trying to fake it ’till I made it.
I thought if I didn’t change my attitude, or behaviors, but laughed when other people did, it might rub off on me. That didn’t happen. After awhile, I didn’t think sober people could have fun at all. I thought everyone else was doing what I was, faking a happy life. So, I went on one hell of a run. I used for a year and a half. During this time, some very close to me passed away. It was only then that I began to realize my crippling addiction. It was only then I began to realize I didn’t want to live this way anymore.
Real Fun in Real Sobriety
My sobriety date is January 17, 2011. I got sober on my 24th birthday. I’d love to say that I did the right thing from the start, that I finally had willingness, but I didn’t. I had to experience more pain, this time while in treatment, to become willing.
I was in an intensive inpatient treatment center for seven months. After about six months, I found what would become, and still is, my home group. I remember going to this meeting and seeing so many young people smiling, so many young people having fun. The crazy part was they were sober! You mean I can have fun in sobriety? This was a new idea for me. I saw clients returning from pass with sober-supports. They were happy and looked like they were having fun. This boggled my mind. I asked myself hundreds of times “are they really having fun in sobriety?”
I realized these people were only happy because they’d worked through the twelve-steps and found a new way of life. I decided I wanted what they had. I got a sponsor who began to take me through the steps. Eventually, I did a fifth step and learned my life had been driven by self-centered fear. I started going out with people after meetings. I slowly began to have fun in sobriety.
Still, I wasn’t 100% sure what people actually did for fun in sobriety. I soon learned, you do the same thing normal people do! You go out to dinner, to movies, to concerts, to friends’ houses. To this day, some of the best moments I’ve had have been sitting at a friend’s apartment, just talking and laughing.
I remember being in a friend’s car one day. We were joking around, laughing, and generally having a good time. He looked at me and said “If I knew sobriety was this fun, I’d have gotten sober a long time ago!” I couldn’t agree more. I thank God everyday for finding me a home in Alcoholics Anonymous. I think God everyday for the simple fact that I can be happy. I thank God everyday for being able to have fun in sobriety.
by Fiona Stockard | Mar 21, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Drug Addiction
CASE NUMBER: 07-1414
TO: My Mother and Father
Everyone makes mistakes in their life. There are two ways to handle those mistakes, you can turn the experience into a positive, or make it define your lifestyle. I chose to go with option A.
In my case, I have screwed up a lot over the years. Always thinking I was unbeatable, but with time, consequences do arise. You begin to realize that you are above nothing. Even at my lowest point, my parents have stood by me. Originally, this was supposed to be an apology letter, but I have decided to twist it into a thank you letter.
I am not sorry for my addictions, they were not by choice. They helped me become the strong person I am today. They made me realize that life is too short to screw it up for something that benefits me in not one single way.
I choose to look at everything the world has to offer and how I am able to overcome and conquer all. Being a strong person does not get you very far without support from the family.
I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow into the person I truly am.
Thank you for your support, trust, confidence, and love- it is all appreciated.
Sincerely,
The Best Bull-Sh**ter Ever
________________________________________________________________________________________
Yeah, this was a letter I wrote two years before I got sober. It was part of my probation. I was a great manipulator my entire life. I mean turning an apology letter into a thank you letter? Come on! Give me a break. I kept my family up countless nights. I made them bail me out of jail in the middle of the night and I still had the audacity to withhold an apology?
Addiction is a disease. I know this NOW. I didn’t know it when I wrote my letter (between bong hits and Natural Ice beer sips, or course). I thought if I promised to stop getting high, I’d be a good kid.
I wasn’t ready to get sober, plain and simple. I wasn’t ready to get sober until I had a habit I couldn’t break. When I made amends to my parents, I had over a year sober. I wasn’t simply saying sorry, that I’d be a better daughter, or that I wanted a relationship with them. I already put these things in motion.
See, in sobriety, I learned that actions speak louder than words. I learned how to stop being the best bull-s**tter ever. I learned how to be an honest and genuine person who really could learn from their past.
Sometimes, you just need to reflect and thank God you’re smarter than you used to be!
