by Fiona Stockard | Sep 5, 2014 | 12 Steps
Written By: Fiona Stockard
The Big Book Broken Down – Part Four
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other to recover from alcohol and drug addiction. It was founded in June of 1935, just celebrated its seventy-ninth anniversary, and boasts over two million members.
AA’s central text is the Big Book. With a sponsor and a Big Book, AA members work the twelve steps, and “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (title page).
Today, I’ll be breaking down chapter four, We Agnostics.
We Agnostics
This chapter is all about how to build a relationship with God – with a God of our own understanding! Before we even consider God though, we need to be convinced we need God.
We Agnostics lays out some problems we experience as a result of active alcoholism. It states, “We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people…” (52).
S**t! That described me perfectly. In other words, I was a mess who couldn’t live life! My friends (my REAL friends) and family weren’t shy about telling me the help a Higher Power could offer.
Guess what? This chapter addresses that, too! “…how frequently did we all say, ‘I wish I had what that man has. I’m sure it would work if I could only believe as he believes. But I cannot accept as surely true the many articles of faith which are so plain to him’” (47).
Did the Big Book read my mind? Aside from using male pronouns, that passage sums up all the issues I had with God. Another frequent issue people have with spirituality is that they confuse it with religion. “To others, the word ‘God’ brought up a particular idea of Him with which someone had tried to impress them during childhood” (45).
I certainly relate to that. Everyone has memories of religion being pushed on them as a child. The chapter goes on to say, “Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you” (47).
Okay, so I need to let go of my judgment and intolerance. That’s much easier said than done. Once again, AA seemed to read my mind. This chapter reads, “To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face” (44).
Addicts and alcoholics are the only people I know who weigh that choice! Who else says to themselves, “now, what exactly do you mean by alcoholic death? How bad is it, really?” I’ve been guilty of asking that question once or twice!
So, how do I let go of intolerance and grow? The only way I know is through experiencing enough pain! I’m a bit hardheaded like that! We Agnostics has an answer for people like me, “Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness” (48).
Hmmm. Sounds true to me! I had to get beaten up pretty badly before I was willing to consider God as an answer. Luckily, when I was ready to consider God, AA made things very simple. I was told “We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. ‘Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?’” (47).
That seemed fair to me. I was willing to believe that maybe, just maybe, spirituality could help me. I wasn’t willing to believe in some all-mighty white guy in the clouds though! Once again, We Agnostics has me covered. “Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another’s conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact…” (46).
Wait a minute, you mean not only can I believe in a God of my own understanding, but it doesn’t matter how crummy that understanding is? Sign me up! Now, it was made clear very early on that I couldn’t make a doorknob or a light bulb my Higher Power. That wasn’t going to work. After all, a doorknob isn’t going to keep me sober! I didn’t have to believe in anyone else’s idea of God though. I was free to meet God on my own terms.
I started working my butt off and doing the twelve-steps. Guess what I found? Well, I found a ton of stuff, but most mind-blowing was the idea that I’d actually had faith all along. Seems hard to believe, I know.
This chapter states, “Without knowing it, had we not been brought to where we stood by a certain kind of faith?” (53). My faith in AA, and my sponsor, brought me to the point where I had faith in a Higher Power. Mind = blown!
We Agnostics goes on to state, “Had we not variously worshipped people, sentiment, things, money, and ourselves?” and “In one form or another we had been living by faith and little else” (54).
You mean all along I’d had faith? I believed drugs and alcohol would solve my problems (and they did, until they stopped working!). I believed people would solve my problems (and they did, until they stopped bailing me out!). I believed AA would solve my problems. It did and it hasn’t stopped working.
Huh, I guess I really did have faith all along!
by Sally Rosa | Aug 27, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
13th Step? I Thought There Were Only 12
Ah, the sneaky little 13th Step. The little talked about, but widely known, practice of being a shady motherf**ker. One of the reasons to stay away from clubhouses. The reason for that old saying, men with men and women with women.
At this point, you may be scratching your head and wondering “thirteenth step? I thought there were only twelve-steps?” You’re not alone. Although 13th stepping is as old as AA itself, it isn’t talked about much. So, what is this 13th step?
13th stepping is the practice of someone with sober-time doing the dirty with a newcomer. It’s when someone with multiple years bumps uglys with someone with multiple days. Tired of these lame ass metaphors? Yeah, me too. 13th stepping is when some who knows better f**ks someone who doesn’t know better.
Sounds shady as hell, right? IT IS! Despite being almost as unspiritual as drinking, it’s still fairly common, especially in areas with lots of young, sober people.
Isn’t That Old Behavior?
So, we know what 13th stepping is (you still gagging? Yeah, me too). Now, the million-dollar question, why do people do it?
Why do people who are trying to “practice these principals in all our affairs” engage in such harmful behavior? Why do people, trying to grow in the image and likeness of their own God, prey on newcomers? S**t, I wish I had an easy answer for you.
There are probably a million reasons. First, remember that not everyone in recovery is a saint. A sober horse thief is still a horse thief. To put it another way, a sober predator is still a predator.
Just because someone has time, well, that doesn’t mean they’re working a program. The rooms of recovery are filled with scumbags. They’re also filled with, hands down, the best people on earth. Sadly though, the scumbags are sometimes more prevalent.
Sex feels good and there are always going to be people trying to feel good. There are always going to be people interested only in selfish satisfaction, even if AA attempts to teach us different.
Some people may not think what they’re doing is wrong. My friend’s sponsor is a great guy. He helps a ton of men and has been sober since the 80’s. He does service and makes sure the hand of AA is always available. Still, he hooked up with his wife when he had a year and she had a few days. Did he think he was 13th stepping? Probably not. They’re still together, and sober, so it worked out.
However, most of the time, the story doesn’t end with happily ever after. Most of the time, someone relapses. Usually it’s the newcomer being preyed upon. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, it’s the assh**e taking advantage of the newcomer. I mean, they’re not living by spiritual principals, anyway!
How Do We Stop 13th Stepping?
Again, I wish I had an easy answer for you. Like most harmful things in life, stopping 13th stepping is complicated. It requires education, patience, and some good ideas. Hey, good ideas? I have a few of those!
First, and this is already common practice, newcomers should stick with their own gender. The saying “women with women and men with men” was invented for a reason. In early sobriety, limit the amount of time you spend with members of the opposite sex. It’ll take your focus off God, trust me, I know. So ladies, if a guy approaches you and says he’ll sponsor you – kick him in the nuts and run away! This applies to cute guys, too!
Next, there should be education about 13th stepping. I certainly didn’t know what it was when I came into recovery. Lots of people may know about 13th stepping, but they’re not talking about it. Let’s get a dialogue going! Let’s get people sharing who tried to take advantage of them. That way, newcomers will know to stay away from those people.
Finally, I think clubhouses should have a no-tolerance policy. If someone is a known predator, kick ‘em out! I don’t care if this person has fifty years sober. Like I said above, a sober predator is still a predator!
by Fiona Stockard | Aug 22, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Fiona Stockard
The Big Book Broken Down – Part Three
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other to recover from alcohol and drug addiction. It was founded in June of 1935, just celebrated its seventy-ninth anniversary, and boasts over two million members.
AA’s central text is the Big Book. With a sponsor and a Big Book, AA members work the twelve steps, and “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (title page).
Today, I’ll be breaking down chapter three, More About Alcoholism.
More About Alcoholism
This chapter is all about identification. At its most basic, it’s designed to let prospective AA members identify their drinking with alcoholic drinking. That’s what More About Alcoholism did for me. It gave me hope knowing that others drank like I did, yet were able to get better.
On the second page, various methods of controlled drinking are listed. They’d be comical, if I hadn’t tried some myself. Drinking only beer? Been there, done that. Not drinking at work? Been there, done that. Did these methods work for me? Not even a little!
Later in More About Alcoholism, Jim’s story is told. Jim was a used car salesman (big surprise!) who couldn’t stop drinking. He managed to put a bit of sober time together, but relapsed after mixing whiskey with milk. He thought he could drink, as long as he had a full stomach and mixed his drinks! While I never tried this exact pairing, I did mix weed with tobacco. I was convinced I could smoke weed, as long as it wasn’t only weed.
Further on in the chapter, AA compares our alcoholic drinking to jaywalking. We get sideswiped, clipped, maybe ever full on hit, but just can’t stop. Finally, we’re badly injured and taken to the hospital. After getting out, we start jaywalking again. We’re promptly hit by a truck and killed.
Seems a little bit extreme, right? Well, think about how our loved ones view our addiction. To them, we’re just as tragic as the jaywalker. We keep getting hurt, yet can’t stop drinking or using. We’re incapable!
Fair enough, but what if you’re not convinced you’re an alcoholic? Don’t worry, AA has that covered, too. “Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once” (pp. 31-32).
I couldn’t pass this test once, let alone more than once. Then again, it’s a little harder to try controlled dope shooting and crack smoking! Still, the point remains. People that drink like we drink, that use like we use, can’t control their intake. It simply isn’t possible.
Finally convinced you’re an alcoholic? Try this on for size, “The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker” (p. 30).
This was certainly true for me. All I wanted, and I mean all I wanted, was to use like other people. I didn’t understand why every time I drank, or got high, bad things happened. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that I wasn’t able to control my use.
The chapter goes on to say, “We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control” (p. 30) and “Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever” (p. 33).
Again, these were true for me. I could stay clean for short periods, but every time I used, my life rapidly spiraled out of control. Okay, so what could I do to stop? Go to treatment and learn about myself? Yeah, that sounds good!
More About Alcoholism says, “He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet all his reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside…” (pp. 36-37).
Here, alcoholics are introduced to a very important idea. Self-knowledge won’t keep us sober. It’s that simple. Self-knowledge can help normal drinkers stop, but people like me? It just isn’t enough.
In fact, the chapter goes on to say almost those exact words. “But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge” (p. 39).
Why can’t we stop drinking through self-knowledge? I’m not sure of all the reasons, but one is that we simply can’t remember how bad our drinking was! AA members say as much, “They said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots” (p. 42).
So, we have these “strange mental blank spots.” That makes sense to me. There have been countless times where I started getting high without a second though. It didn’t once cross my mind that using was a bad idea.
What can I do? How can I stay sober? How can I live a life where I don’t hate myself and everyone else? Am I screwed? Nope. There’s hope. More About Alcoholism ends with the quote “His defense must come from a Higher Power” (p. 43).
When I first came into the rooms of AA, I didn’t like the idea of God or a Higher Power. Still, I was beaten up enough give it a try. Guess what? The God idea worked better than I ever could have imagined. We’ll learn how in two weeks!
by Fiona Stockard | Aug 7, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Fiona Stockard
The Big Book Broken Down – Part Two
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other to recover from alcohol and drug addiction. It was founded in June of 1935, just celebrated its seventy-ninth anniversary, and boasts over two million members.
AA’s central text is the Big Book. With a sponsor and a Big Book, AA members work the twelve steps, and “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (title page).
Today, I’ll be breaking down chapter two, There Is a Solution.
There Is a Solution
The chapter opens by saying, “We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, know thousands of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill. Nearly all have recovered. They have solved the drink problem” (17).
This is the great promise of AA, a SOLUTION to alcoholism. AA doesn’t claim to keep only certain members sober. They don’t offer single digit recovery statistics. Rather, Alcoholics Anonymous lets people RECOVER from alcoholism.
Recover. As in get better. As in “the problem has been removed” (85). Of course, this only happens after some serious work with a sponsor and god!
The chapter goes on, “But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours” (18).
This is another pillar of AA, the idea that alcoholics can help fellow alcoholics, in ways no one else can. I’ve had a ton of great therapists, but they didn’t get me sober. Hell, they didn’t even help me to cut down.
Once I met this ex-problem drinker, who ended up being my sponsor, I started to change. Of course, I didn’t trust her all at once. She established trust by telling me her crazy experiences. She told me about how badly she wanted to stop drinking and using, but couldn’t. She shared her experiences, emotions, feelings, and thoughts, which were just like mine!
On the next page, it says, “We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs” (19).
I’ll explore this idea in greater detail in later columns. For now though, it’s important to remember that abstinence itself is only a beginning. Recovery is about much more than not drinking. It’s about living a life that benefits other people and society at large. I mean, how selfish and stupid would it be to get sober and still be an asshole!
Next, the chapter lays out some of the different types of drinkers. They propose there are moderate drinkers, hard drinkers, and alcoholics. The moderate drinker is your typical social drinker. They can take or leave booze. The hard drinker suffers consequences from their drinking, but ultimately is able to stop. The alcoholic though, pardon my French, but they’re f**ked. That is, they’re f**ked until they find a solution!
Maybe the solution to alcoholism is will power. Maybe alcoholics just don’t have enough will power. That makes sense, right? Nope. AA says, “ Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink” (24).
Okay, that makes sense. It’s definitely true to my experience. So will power doesn’t work. What about embarrassing and painful memories? What’s that they always say in rehab? Play the tape through? Wait, so that won’t work either?! What if I go to a lot of therapy and counseling? Surely a better understanding of myself will work.
Nope. The chapter goes on to say, “Above all, he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge of the inner workings of his mind and its hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable. Nevertheless, he was drunk in a short time” (26).
Okay, I’m screwed. I can’t use will power and I can’t use therapy. What can I use to get better?
The answer’s simple. Remember when I talked about RECOVERING a little while ago? Well, according to AA, “ There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others” (25).
The process they’re talking about is the twelve-steps. Through working the steps (all of the steps, in the correct order, under the guidance of a sponsor!!), we recover. Simple as that.
