by Sally Rosa | May 27, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Written By: Katie Schipper
What is Sponsorship?
In twelve-step recovery programs, sponsorship is vital. A sponsor has a singular purpose – to take another alcoholic or addict through the twelve-steps so that that woman may in turn take others through the steps. Sponsorship began in AA before it even had a name. Sponsorship began when Bill W. wanted to drink and found a solution through sharing what he knew with another alcoholic who couldn’t stay sober on his own. That alcoholic was Dr. Bob.
Who Can Be a Sponsor?
Today, particularly in Delray Beach and the surrounding areas, the options for finding a sponsor are endless. There are different fellowships and different types of recovering addicts and alcoholics in each one. Finding a sponsor only seems intimidating until you actually do it. A sponsor is someone who knows how to help an addict when all other attempts have failed. A sponsor is someone who knows how to help an addict when family, friends, and significant others can’t. Sponsorship is a vital part of recovery.
Read about the dangers of resting on your laurels
How to Choose a Sponsor
So, how does someone go about finding a sponsor? You might have heard the phrase “find someone who has what you want” at meetings. This is a good starting point, but you might not know how to identify that person. You might not be totally sure what it is that you want. As a newly sober woman, you might have concerns about trusting another female. It’s in a newcomer’s best interest to set aside these fears and take the first leap of faith in recovery, choosing a sponsor in spite of fear.
Looking to connect with other women in sobriety?
Suggestions on Sponsorship
While choosing a sponsor is as informal as anything else in AA, there are a few simple suggestions offered by those familiar with twelve-step fellowship.
The first is to find someone with experience. For some, this might mean someone who has at least a year between herself and her last drink or drug. However, that’s not a requirement. It’s simply a guideline. After all, Bill W. started sponsoring Dr. Bob when he had six months.
You might want someone with multiple years or double digits.
A very basic rule of thumb is to find someone who has completed all twelve of her steps, with a sponsor of her own.
Another basic suggestion is to find a sponsor who herself has a sponsor, someone who’s an active member of the fellowship. Those active in recovery seem to have an idea of how to help addicts and alcoholics.
Another suggestion for finding a sponsor is to simply ask someone with whom you feel compatible.
It’s also suggested that newcomers look for someone who seems to be enjoying her sobriety.
Don’t just pick someone who looks good or sounds good in a meeting. Ask yourself, does your sponsor practice what she preaches? In recovery, action always speaks louder than words.
No two people sponsor in exactly the same way. What might be ideal for one woman could be disastrous for another. The willingness to believe that someone may be able to help is an incredible first step in recovery. Besides, the relationship between a sponsor and a sponsee is unlike any other. Don’t believe me? Go find out for yourself!
by Fiona Stockard | May 21, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
I recently celebrated my first anniversary in sobriety. I was in a deep state of regret coming up to my anniversary. Things were piling up. Those years in college when I’d done no work and had poor grades. That stage of my life when I should have been figuring out what I wanted to be. My family, who I’d hurt terribly. Yeah, things were starting to pile up.
How can the family of an alcoholic recover?
The Difference Between Guilt and Shame
“Do you know the difference between guilt and shame?” my therapist asked, as I struggled to explain my feelings to her. “No,” I replied. They felt like the same thing.
The psychoanalyst Helen B. Lewis reasons that “The experience of shame is directly about the self, which is the focus of evaluation. In guilt, the self is not the central object of negative evaluation, but rather the thing done is the focus”[1].
“Shame is thinking that you’re a bad person, while guilt is thinking that you did bad things,” my therapist explained. I instantly knew which one I felt. Shame. I felt shame.
I wonder why my mind had translated me doing bad things into me being a bad person. So, I spoke to some friends about it. Many of my female friends had the same experience I did.
“I think there’s a healthy and unhealthy way to deal with shame” said one of my friends.
“What’s a healthy way?” I replied.
“Amends,” she said.
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Making Proper Amends
Amends are tricky! It’s important to write your amends list and amends letters with a sponsor. She’ll be able to give you an objective opinion about what to include and what not to include in your amends letters.
Remember, if you’re not on the ninth step, don’t make amends! Don’t rush out to make amends, a lot could go wrong! However, if you’re early in sobriety, or perhaps don’t feel your amends were good enough, make a living amends. This is when you simply live in a different way, a sober way. Living amends are good ways of challenging shame.
It’s hard to right all the wrongs we’ve done to people, especially those closest to us. My amends experience is a perfect example. When I sat down with my mom, she asked me “what about all the pain?” She thought my amends would make away all the pain I’d caused her. Through my living amends to my family (staying sober and being present as a daughter), I can save her any new heartbreak.
Staying sober one day at a time is also a living amends I make to myself. It’s my way of fighting shame. Today, I can do the right thing as a sober woman of integrity.
Join in on the conversation with other sober women
[1] Lewis, Helen B. (1971), Shame and guilt in neurosis, International University Press, New York, ISBN0-8236-8307-9 & http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame
by Sally Rosa | Apr 28, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves
“A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.
We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up, which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.
Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.”
-A.A Big Book p.64
How Do You Do a Fourth Step?
Well, to get to the fourth step, you must have done the first three! Once we admit we have no control over alcohol, we can come to believe in a power greater than ourselves. Then, we can become willing to put our will and life (thoughts and actions) into that Higher Power’s hands. Then, and only then, are we ready to do Step Four.
There are a million ways to work a fourth step. Each sponsor does it differently. The important part is that we follow some basic guidelines.
First, there are three sections of the a fourth step: resentments, fears, and a sexual inventory. While thinking about and writing each section, we need to always to 100% truthful. That’s the hard part! It’s scary to write everything on a piece of paper. It’s even scarier to think about sharing this with another woman! It’s also necessary to overcome alcoholism and addiction.
What Does a Fourth Step Look Like?
For the resentments section, we
- List all the people, places, or principles we have resentments towards (I’m resentful at…)
- List the cause of our resentment (what happened?, why am I resentful?)
- List how we were hurt or threatened in the following categories: self-esteem, pride, emotional security, finances, ambitions, personal relations, and sexual relations
- List how we played a part, using: selfishness, dishonesty, self-seeking, fear, and inconsideration
- List the exact and specific nature of our wrongs for each resentment
For the fears section, we
- List the people, places, and principals that we fear
- List why we are afraid
- List the parts of our lives which have failed us and resulted in our fears. We use the following categories: self-reliance, self-confidence, self-discipline, and self-will
- List the parts of ourselves that specific fears are affecting. We use the following categories: self-esteem, pride, emotional security, finical, ambitions, personal relations, and sexual relations
- Pray and begin to have faith in a Higher Power. We then pray for our Higher Power to help remove these fears
For the sexual inventory, we
- List all the people who we’ve had sexual and romantic relationships with
- List what happened and what we did
- List the exact nature of our wrongs, faults, mistakes, defects, and shortcomings. We use the following questions: Was I selfish? Was I dishonest? Was I inconsiderate? Was I self-seeking? Was this relationship selfish?
- List who exactly was harmed
- List what we should have done differently
What’s the Point of Step Four?
The Big Book says, “Resentment is the number one offender.” Through working a Fourth Step, we’re able to begin to let go of resentments. Now, losing resentments is a lifelong process, but a thorough fourth step is a great way to start!
Through working a fourth step, we’re able to examine ourselves objectively and honestly (with the help of our sponsor, of course!). We learn the roles we’ve played in our resentments, fears, and sexual conduct. Once we know where we’ve been wrong, we seek spiritual strength and a spiritual solution.
Does it work?
By discovering our emotional conflicts, dependences, displacements, disturbances, scars, complications, appeals, disorders, binges, balances, and insecurities, we’re able to fix them and change. Through change, we’re able to fully connect with a power greater than ourselves and grow in its likeness. Without willingness, courage, and honesty there’s little success for alcoholics like us.
Without Step Four, sobriety is impossible. We may remain dry from booze for periods of time, but we’re unable to live a happy and meaningful life. So, get off your a*s and start writing!
by Sally Rosa | Apr 11, 2014 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.”
What’s The Definition of Powerlessness and Unmanageability
The definition of powerless is “being unable to do something, or unable stop doing something; lacking strength or power; helpless and totally ineffectual.”
The definition of unmanageable is “difficult or impossible to manage; given to resisting control or discipline by others.”
What Do These Mean When Related to Alcohol and Our Lives?
What powerlessness means to me is drinking against my will. If I’m unable to stop drinking, well, how can I think I’m able to control my life? Even with incredible willpower and a genuine desire to stop, I had no choice. I had to drink and once I started drinking I couldn’t stop. That’s because alcoholism is a disease.
Have you ever said the following things as a result of alcoholism? I know I have.
- I can’t keep a job
- I’ve lost all my money and savings
- I’ve lost all my friends and no one in my family will talk to me
- I’ve gotten DUI’s
- I have liver disease
- I’ve been to the hospital three times for alcohol poisoning!
- My spouse divorced me
- I’ve been to rehab multiple times
The First Step
It makes perfect sense why this is the first step of recovery! I mean, how am I going to stay sober and grow spiritually if I can’t even believe that I’m an alcoholic?
We have to know, and I mean really know, that we have no control whatsoever over alcohol. We have to know that if we drink, even one drink, our lives will soon spiral out-of-control. Those of us who’ve relapsed (and I’m one of them) know that when we drink, life gets worse and worse.
The first step is a relief for many. The first step is a kind of freedom. Being able to admit and come to terms with being an alcoholic is the start of a new chapter. Being able to openly accept and admit that our drinking and lives are unmanageable is a new beginning.
Those who can’t admit powerlessness and unmanageability may have a reservation to drink again. Don’t get discouraged! Many alcoholics find it hard to admit, at first. Through honestly working the rest of the twelve-steps, our perspectives change. To put it another way, the twelve-steps show us a part of ourselves we never knew existed!
