by Fiona Stockard | Jul 19, 2013 | Body Image / Eating Disorders
Alcoholism and Anorexia
In terms of healthy body image, living in a resort town was really intimidating! I was obsessed with going out every night. I was obsessed with looking sexy! There was a problem though, I wasn’t as thin as my friends.
I found myself full of self-pity and jealousy. One night, staring down into my empty cocktail glass, I realized that drinking actually made me full! I could probably lose weight if I supplemented my meals with alcohol! I thought I’d found the golden ticket to being thin.
I began skipping breakfast, running five miles a day, working all evening in a bar (which burned a ton of calories), and then going out all night. As the weeks moved forward, I realized I was losing weight at a rapid rate! At 5’8″, I dropped from 135 pounds to 97 in only a few months.
Of course, there was a downside to my rapid weight loss. I was suffering from anemia, hair loss, extreme dehydration, depression, and constant anxiety. On top of all that, my lack of eating was contributing to daily alcoholic blackouts.
The Progression of Alcoholism and Anorexia
A year later, I was so thin that I agreed to participate in counseling, at the repeated urging of friends. Soon, I was clinically diagnosed with anorexia. Of course, I was in complete denial. I had a problem? No way!
I continued down my destructive path because I was so obsessed with the attention I was getting. Everyone told me how thin I was and how I looked like a model. I continued to visit my counselor and slowly began to learn about what I was doing to my body. She told me about how the lack of nutrients in my body was causing it to process alcohol slower. So, that explained my blackouts! A healthy liver can metabolize one drink an hour. Mine could metabolize one drink every few hours. My counselor told me how much liver damage I was doing to myself.
I still wasn’t ready to change, but I was ready to listen. I learned that alcoholism is significantly more harmful to woman than men. This is because women don’t possess an enzyme that helps metabolize alcohol. I learned that women who drink frequently are at a greater risk for cirrhosis of the liver than men, even if they drink less, or for shorter periods of time. I learned that if I continued to drink alcoholically, and deprive my body of key nutrients, I’d soon end up with cirrhosis or pancreatitis.
The Turning Point
Here I was at the turning point. I had to make a decision about my life. I was battling two evils, alcoholism and anorexia. Finally, after several trips to the ER, I decided I was ready to admit total defeat. I accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic, an anorexic, and if I didn’t seek help soon, I’d die.
I got a sponsor and began to work a strong recovery program. I went through the twelve-steps to regain my spirituality. Through the steps, I also found emotional wellbeing and a healthy body image. I began to truly experience the freedom of bondage to my alcoholism and eating disorder.
Today, I continue to work a program, because I believe recovery’s a life-long journey. I’m truly grateful for all the experiences in my life. I’m truly grateful to have been given the gift of freedom.
by A Women in Sobriety | Jul 14, 2013 | Body Image / Eating Disorders
Together, Sobriety for Women and Addicted to Recovery have formed the Addiction & Body Imaging Recovery Project.
We recognize that many women and men experience poor body image. This can take the form of an eating disorder, mental illness, or just plain, old not liking your body. Poor body image can last for a long time, sometimes years!
We plan to share our experience, strength, and hope with all those who suffer from poor body image! In turn, we want to learn from your experience, strength, and hope! Together, Sobriety For Women, Addicted To Recovery, and YOU can bring awareness to body image issues!
To start, we hope you’ll join us by answering the following question:
Do you believe poor body image can trigger an increase in alcohol or drug use?
by A Women in Sobriety | Jun 16, 2013 | Benefits of Sobriety
I Won’t Love You to Death!
Sobriety is a life changing experience no matter where you are. Still, you’re told to get as many sober supports as you can. They help you deal with the emotional up’s and down’s that occur in early sobriety. So, when I found myself states away from my family, I questioned if I would make it. If I did make it, I questioned how our relationship would be affected. My relationship with my family was affected, but in a way I NEVER could have imagined!
Before I made the decision to get sober, I was with my family daily. They’ve always been supportive of me, even through the tornado of my active alcoholism. I knew they were always there for me, but I wasn’t capable of being there for them. My alcoholism hindered my ability to be a daughter and a sister. I wasn’t able to support my father when his brother, my uncle and godfather, passed away. I wasn’t able to support my father while he battled cancer. I wasn’t there for my mother through the death of her mother. I have more examples of selfishness than fingers on my hands.
Probably the scariest part is that I truly believed I was supporting my family through all these events. In sobriety, I learned that simply being physically present isn’t enough. Alcoholism blinded me from the pain I caused others. Pain through my actions and inactions. Pain through my constant screw ups. When I finally hit enough pain in my own life, I agreed to make a change and seek help. This decision wasn’t easy. My parents say me down and my mother said the words that changed my life forever. I won’t love you to death. This was the first time I realized how my actions affect other people.
Getting Better Far Away
I moved many states away from my family, to go to treatment, and now live thousands of miles away. This change was the hardest thing I’ve ever done! I wanted my family to be there and support me, just like they always did. I went through so much it seemed like a phone call was never enough.
I missed major events in their lives! My sister gave birth to two children. I missed birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, deaths, and the small, daily struggles my family went through. Here’s the thing, even though I wasn’t there for any of these major events, I was present. I was supportive. For the first time, I helped my family.
Today, through maintaining physical and emotional sobriety, I’m able to be the daughter and sister my family deserves. I can have actual conversations with my family. I can give back the support they’ve shown me my entire life. Although it’s hard to be so far away from them, I’m in their lives more today than I ever was.
I was promised that if I continue to do what I’m supposed to do, I’ll be able to mend my broken relationships. This promise came true in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Being able to support my family gives me more gratitude than anything else. We’ve never been closer than we are now and we live thousands of miles apart! Sobriety’s give me my family back, no distance can ever change that!
by Fiona Stockard | Jun 1, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Benefits of Sobriety
How to be Grateful in Recovery
“You know, when I blew out my birthday candles this year I didn’t wish for anything…I simply said Thank You.”
BAM. Gratitude at its finest. Who says that? Who says I’m happy enough that there’s nothing else I need to wish for, not even on my birthday wish. A free wish! Well, a grateful alcoholic said those words to me.
We’ve all heard the saying that you can’t be resentful and grateful at the same time. In moments of hardship, it’s best to remember what we’re grateful for.
A month ago, a woman sat in front of me, broken and confused. She had another relapse under her belt and one more reason why AA wasn’t the answer. She wasn’t sure if sobriety was the right choice, but decided to give it a shot anyway. Not the half-measure, one-foot-in attempt she’d done in the past. She decided to give a real, honest effort at sobriety. One prayer later, she’d been given a sign that launched her into action.
See, gratitude is an action word. I hear that all the time, but what does it mean? What does it mean to be grateful and sober? How does someone become a grateful alcoholic or addict? I asked myself that question a million times in early sobriety. I’d hear people with some time talk about how grateful they were. WHY?! Didn’t they see where we were? We were stuck in South Florida, in a stuffy, little room littered with slogans like “Easy Does It.” There were E-Cigs being smoked the entire time, too! How could they be grateful?
For months this question plagued me. I didn’t understand! To me, grateful and sober clashed more than wearing pink and green. After I started to do some work on myself, after I developed a relationship with God, after I developed a relationship with sober people, my feelings began to change. Things I’d been sure of my entire life began to change. My reaction to life began to change. I began to become happy.
Not too long afterwards, I finally understood what it meant to be grateful and sober. The sentence my friend said, about simply saying “thank you” on her first sober birthday, hit me like a truck. Not only because it was an original saying I’d never heard before, although I did think it was so adorable! It hit me hard because I need to remember gratitude. As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I need to be reminded to be grateful for how good my life is today.
After being sober a few years, life has shown up. The pressure of being responsible adult has been filling me with fear lately. So, what does God do to shut me up? He places a newcomer in my life to remind me how exciting sobriety is. He places a newcomer in my life to remind me how wonderful life is and how the little things can make the best day ever. It’s experiences like this that make my sobriety worth more than anything in the world. Today, I’m grateful to be sober.
