By: Tim Myers
Good Evening People of the United States,
Well, my wife and I are here before you today to announce that the rumors are true. I, Timothy K. Myers, am running for President of The United States of America.
Over the next year my opponents are going to say a lot of things about me. Many of them, probably most of them, will be negative. Some will be true and some will be false. Listen, I can handle any mud they decide to fling. What I cannot handle is lies.
I don’t think it’s okay for politicians to lie to the American people. So, right here, right now, even before my fellow candidates have a chance to tell the world all the horrible things about me, I’m going to do it for them. At least this way, you, the American people, will have the facts.
I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I have not used drugs or alcohol for over four years. I went to a meeting today and I’ll go to one tomorrow. I don’t plan on this changing and I don’t plan on drinking ever again. Yes, obviously, in the past I drank too much and I did some pretty bad things.
This one time I drove drunk…and then I drove drunk about 300 more times. I never got caught. Go ahead check for an arrest record. I did get charged with criminal trespassing though.
I was nineteen and ran on to a professional baseball field drunk (as I’m sure you can imagine). I just wanted to play in the big leagues, you know! Anyway, the cops got one time called because I vandalized my dorm in college. Not just my dorm room, the entire dorm. We threw all the toilets out the window and all the mirrors and all the sinks. I didn’t get in trouble though. See, I informed on my roommate.
I failed out of three colleges, but finally got my music business degree. Not sure that will help me as President, but Jay-Z thinks I’m cool.
I had a bunch of girlfriends and can’t remember most of their names. I’m sure they’ll remember mine though. As soon as I start appearing on TV, you’ll see them on CNN too.
Guess how many rehabs I’ve been to? Nine. That’s a record.
I visited about a dozen crack houses. I bet I’m going to be the only President who did that. I call it getting to know my constituents.
I once was so drunk I got hit by a train… and lived! Now, if you ask me, I want a President who got hit by a train. That’s one tough Commander and Chief.
Oh and I died once. Yup, died. I drove drunk, crashed my car, and my lungs and heart stopped. Thank God for Ben Franklin, ‘cause those paddles shocked me back to life in a hurry! No need for a VP folks. I already died once, it’s not going to happen again. It’s impossible.
Okay, about the drugs, I tired ‘em all except heroin. I mean, I gave Tiffany money to get me some, but she always came back high, with no money, and no heroin for me. I don’t get it. I did love cocaine though.
Also, in the last 4 years I got a job, a career, helped over 100 men stay sober, met a woman, got married, bought a home, bought two cars, a dog, and two cats. I pay my bills, pay my taxes, and people love me.
I made mistakes. I will not make them again. I’ve been in the ditch, so I can show America the way out.
My name is Tim Myers. I am an alcoholic and I am running for President. So, what were those bad things you were going say about me?