by A Women in Sobriety | Jan 26, 2017 | 12 Steps, Addiction Treatment, Blog, Drug Addiction
My Drug Rehab Was My Moment Shine
I thought doing cocaine at lunch was normal when I was 16. It actually seemed like the only normal thing about me at the time. Men attracted me I thought, but at the same time, was attracted to women. My family situation was, complicated. My Dad lived at home but my Mother and him were definitely NOT together. They never spoke and both worked late. I took care of Emily, my little sister as we the train each morning into the city for school. This is where I would get my drugs and this is where my addiction would hold me tight. So tight, I couldn’t breath. Day after day my New York City routine continued. I continued to reach out for an adult hand to hold but that continued to fail. My parents failed me too. It was not their fault, they worked so hard for Emily and I. I was my decision to turn to promiscuity, cocaine and alcohol. It was their decision to send me to drug rehab.
I attended Substance Abuse Treatment with Emily in ICU
Throughout my life I had become accustomed to heartbreak. Most of the men I dated left me because I never, “seemed into them.” Most women left me because, “I couldn’t commit.” What never left me what alcohol and drugs. I loved them and drugs and alcohol loved me. They always did what they said they were going to do, get me wasted. So for my entire 4 years in high school I got drunk. My grades slipped, my appearance downgraded from a 7 to a 3. Over the course of my use I only felt pain once, the night before I went to drug rehab. Emily my sweet 12 year-old, pigtailed, perfect little sister tried my cocaine. I was putting my coke in pixie stix in case my parents decided to be parents. Emily went into my purse and tried one. I was being admitted to into a substance abuse treatment facility in Florida before she left the hospital.
I Was Broken Alone and Addicted
I held my pillow and pretended it was Emily every night in drug rehab. Some nights I could swear the pillow hugged me. I almost killed the only person that cared about me I thought. For the first 2 days of substance abuse treatment I stayed in bed. Unable to face what I had become. Then, all of the staff of my drug rehab came into the room. They told me Emily was going to live, but if I didn’t quit drugs, I would die.
The Drug Rehab Mirror Showed Me My Soul
My therapist, my sweet angel, made me face the mirror in the bathroom of my substance abuse treatment center. She made me look into my own eyes and scream, “You need to take a chance!” Over and over I screamed, “You need to take a chance.” I screamed probably 30 or 40 times. I was crying like a baby and was pilled up on the floor like dirty towel. The therapist left room and said, “We Only Regret The Chances We Didn’t Take.”
My Life Was Saved Through Recovery
Today Emily is 18 and she will be attending Rice University in the fall. She is my best friend and was my maid of honor when I married Meaghan last spring. I’ve been sober over 6 years and it’s because one day someone told me to do one thing, Take A Chance.
by A Women in Sobriety | Jan 19, 2017 | 12 Steps, Addiction Treatment, Blog, Drug Addiction
After New Year’s Eve, I needed To Go to Addiction Rehab
It started out like any other night out. My girlfriends and I got together at my apartment to get ready to go out for New Year’s Eve. We made some mixed drinks to sip on while we did our hair and turned on Pandora. They all had a blast getting ready and barely touched their drinks. I sipped from my glass with a keen eye on theirs making sure to never let my cocktail dip lower than theirs. To supplement my buzz I kept 2 grams of coke in car and a half bottle of vodka. I’d sneak out the back door every few minutes while the rest of my friends oblivious to my covert actions, babbled and over applied eye liner inside. Looking back on last night I felt more alone inside the house with my friends than I did in the car alone with my coke and vodka. As I sat in the car in the back of mind my it felt like, this may be the last time I get high, this may be my last drink. It wasn’t dark yet, but was getting’ there and stint in an addiction rehab center seemed to be inevitable.
You See Social Drinking, I See Drug and Alcohol Abuse
I drove to the club because I needed to be able to get back out to my supply. I was in no shape to drive but I promised I would. They all sang stupid songs in the back seat whole I just tried to keep the car between the lines. My mind kept racing back to the idea of going to addiction rehab. Nothing was fun anymore. While everyone else was having fun without having to worry about pacing themselves, I was managing my drug and alcohol abuse every second of the day.
Rehab on My Mind, With A Needle in My Hand
When we walked in the club the girls all ran on the dance floor making duck faces and dancing like strippers. I took 3 shots of vodka to try and calm my heart that was pounding out of my chest. It didn’t work so I took 3 more shots and then ran to my car. Outside jimmy was waiting for me. He’s been my dealer since the incident I had with my last one ended in a rape charge. Jimmy suggested I shoot a bit of heroin to level off. Drug and alcohol abuse run in his family so he doesn’t use he just deals. Super moral guy. I sat in my car with a needle in my hand with the idea of addiction rehab
Rushing through my brain. I shrugged it off, watched a you tube video on how to shoot heroin and stuck the needle in.
I Wish I Was Dead, But I’ll Settle for Addiction Rehab
I had never shot heroin before. I’ll never do it again. I stumbled back in the club, I remember seeing my friend’s eyes looking as big a CD’s I tried to grab the bar but missed, my head hit the bar I fell to the floor and started to puke. They told me my lips were blue. They said I looked dead, they said they can’t hang out with me anymore. I had Overdosed on heroin and I wish I was dead. Tomorrow I’ll head to addiction rehab in Florida. I’m scared, nervous and sad. I’m also just a tiny bit excited. I’ve seen the site before at my sisters house so, in an effort to keep the bottle out of my hand for the next few hours I thought I would write this all down and hope it can help others struggling with Drug and alcohol abuse. Take Care.
by Fiona Stockard | Jun 4, 2015 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Are Relapse Triggers Real?
My name is [insert generic name here] and I’m an alcoholic. My name is [insert even more generic, but still kind of hip, name here] and I’m an addict.
Those are words we’ve all said countless times. I know I have. I say them each morning when I wake up (just to remind myself of who and what I am), during the go around at meetings, when I raise my hand to share, and when I’m asked to speak. These words are ingrained in my consciousness.
What do they really mean though? Well, through my understanding of alcoholism and addiction, I believe they mean that I’m someone who suffers from a mental obsession, a physical allergy, and a spiritual malady.
Of course there’s a lot more that goes into being an alcoholic (selfishness, unhealthy relationships, etc.), but those three points are at the center of my alcoholism.
But guess what? Two of the three can be treated. Two of the three can be given a daily reprieve. Two of the three can be made better.
This only happens through doing the work (which isn’t really work at all but I can’t think of a better way to phrase it!). Once I admit defeat, get a sponsor, start doing stepwork, get in contact with a God of my own understanding, and start practicing spiritual principles in all my affairs, I also start getting better.
Once I do these simple things, the mental obsession is removed and the spiritual malady is reversed. Of course, they can always come back, but so long as I’m living right…they don’t. It’s that simple.
So, this has all been a long way of making a simple point – I don’t believe that triggers exist. Maybe they do in early-recovery, before we do the work, but once we get spiritual fit, well, we also say goodbye to relapse triggers.
A Bold Claim
I’m not a doctor. I’m not a therapist. I’m not a certified addiction councilor. I don’t have any fancy letters next to my name. I’m just a woman in long-term recovery from drugs and booze.
So, my claim might be a little bold. My assertion that drug relapse triggers don’t exist for spiritually fit individuals might be a little much. I stand by it 100% though.
Want to know why? Because I’m living proof of it. Myself, and millions of other men and women, are walking proof that triggers don’t exist.
Since getting sober, I’ve been around people drinking more times than I can count. You know how many times it’s phased me? How many times it’s made me want a drink myself? Not once.
I’ve been around people smoking pot (a position I don’t like to put myself in, but one that has happened) a handful of times. Did I ever want to take a hit of the joint, a puff on the pipe? Nope.
These things don’t trigger me because, and this goes back to what I mentioned above, I no longer have an alcoholic mind. I’ve recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
Two Things to Remember
Now there are two important, strike that two critical, things to consider – we don’t get better overnight and our spiritual condition is subject to change.
First, we don’t get better overnight. For my first six months of sobriety, I stayed away from all alcohol. If my friends were going to a bar to shoot pool, a concert, or anywhere that served alcohol, I wasn’t there.
I knew I still had an alcoholic mind. I knew I wasn’t strong enough in my recovery to be around alcohol. So I didn’t put myself in those situations. Simple as that.
Second, our spiritual condition is in constant flux. One day we may be super connected and another we may not be connected at all. It’s important to be in touch with where we’re at on any given day.
If you’re spiritually connected, triggers don’t exist. If you’re not, well, triggers can be very real. If you’re not spiritually connected, instead of going to the bar to shoot pool, it’s a good to work with another alcoholic instead.
And that isn’t just my bright idea. It says so in the Big Book and that, as they say, is that!
by Sally Rosa | May 12, 2015 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
A Breakdown of the Steps!
By: Tim Myers
Step One:
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.”
For Dummies:
I can’t stop drinking and it’s impossible for me to do anything without messing up. I try to stop but next thing I know…bang. I’m hammered, my family hates me, and all my bills are over due.
Step Two:
“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
For Dummies:
I thought for a long time and now I’m at the point where I’m so crazy that only God himself can make me a sane person again. I mean, I’m really bonkers at this point. I need Jesus or Buddha or Something.
Step Three:
“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”
For Dummies:
Threw my hands in the air and decided okay, I’m done. God take this drunk and messy body do with it whatever the heck you want. I don’t care, just make all my decisions for me, okay?
Step Four:
“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
For Dummies:
Sat down, grabbed a pen or pencil, and made a list of all the stupid stuff I did, all the mean stuff I said. Just basically took a good look at all the crap I’d done and laid it all out in front of me. I’m feeling pretty crappy right now.
Step Five:
“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
For Dummies:
FREEEEEEDOOOOOOM! So get this, I told another person all the stuff I did and now I feel grrrrrreat! I mean, I’m still a huge jerk and all, but man does it feel good to get that all out in the open. Booya!
Step Six:
“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
For Dummies:
I’m a thief, a liar, a cheater, a liar, overly dramatic, entitled, and about twenty other things. God, I’m ready for you to take them all. Oh, and you can keep ‘em btw.
Step Seven:
“Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”
For Dummies:
Told everyone how I talked to God and he took my character defects! Just kidding. In a non-flashy and quiet sort of way I talked to God and asked him take those defects. Oh, and I told him I don’t want ‘em back.
Step Eight:
“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”
For Dummies:
Jotted down probably the longest list ever of all the people I did horrible stuff to. Yeah, I was a pretty awful person.
Step Nine:
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
For Dummies:
Sat down and looked each person who I was awful to in the eye and said, “Man, it was soooooo bad when I did that to you! Tell me what it is that I can do to make this whole thing okay.”
Step Ten:
“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”
For Dummies:
Just about everyday I sit down and write down all the ways I was a jerk. Then, I go and fix it…again!
Step Eleven:
“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”
For Dummies:
Dear God, oh God, My God, I pray to thee, show me how to help other people oh God. Or somethin’ like that (Tim McGraw what’s up!).
Step Twelve:
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”
For Dummies:
Repeat steps one to eleven with another messed up person and pretend you know what you’re doing.
by Sally Rosa | Apr 21, 2015 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles
Happy 76th Birthday!
image via Wikipedia
Just a few days ago, April 10th to be exact, the Big Book celebrated its 76th birthday!
How cool is that? One of the most influential books of all time (if I do say so myself!) has been around for over seventy-five years. It’s helped millions of alcoholics recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. It’s restored families, saved marriages, and offered hope to so many people.
The Big Book is my favorite book and that’s coming from someone who LOVES books. I started and finished The Bell Jar this week and it’s only Thursday! Still, no other book compares to the Big Book. Perhaps that’s because no other book has literally saved my life (although a few have impacted me pretty substantially).
Anyway, that’s just my personal opinion of the book. Guess what? It’s gotten all sorts of other accolades over its seventy-six years! A quick Google search turns up some interesting details:
- The Big Book is one of the best selling books of all time. It’s thought to hover right around the 50th place mark. It’s sold, in total, over 30 million copies (yes, I said million!)
- The Big Book is included in Time’s list of the 100 most influential books of all time
- The Big Book was recognized by the United State’s Library of Congress as one of the eighty-eight “books that shaped America”
- Early after its release, one reviewer called the Big Book “the greatest redemptive force of the twentieth century.” The New York Times said the book was unlike any other book ever published. Another reviewer “called the book extraordinary and stated that it deserved the attention of anyone worried about the problem of alcoholism.”
And that’s just what a quick search turned up! Yeah, it’s safe to say the Big Book is one-of-a-kind and has changed addiction treatment forever.
How the Big Book Changed America
That’s a bold claim, right? Saying that the Big Book changed America isn’t just a statement. It’s a declaration and it needs to be backed up with fact. Well, guess what? It did change America.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous changed how America views and treats alcoholism and addiction. Before that fateful day in April of 1939, alcoholism was thought of in the same way it had been for hundreds of years. That is to say, alcoholism was viewed as shameful secret, a moral problem, and a personal failure.
Around the time AA was founded in 1935, doctors all over the country were starting to measure alcoholism by scientific, rather than moral, standards. The Big Book is an example of the right thing at the right time. Its publication coincided with an increasingly medical and scientific view of the disease of alcoholism (emphasis on the word disease).
After April 10th, 1939, alcoholism and addiction as a disease began to be widely accepted. Certainly this wasn’t only because of the book, but it galvanized thousands, and eventually millions, of people to see alcoholism in a whole new light.
Equally as important as the Big Book changing the paradigm of alcoholism treatment, is how it changed that paradigm. Remember, those in the medical community were already starting to think of alcoholism as a disease, but what about normal women and men? What about the wife up the street with an alcoholic husband? What about the store clerk with an alcoholic wife? What about the worried parents with an alcoholic child?
The Big Book spoke to these people directly. It used simple, everyday language to explain complex ideas. It spoke of spirituality in a way that made even the most agnostic or atheist person say, “Well, maybe they’re right.” It tackled issues of guilt, shame, remorse, sex, lies, and so much more with grace and dignity. In short, it gave a human touch to alcoholism.
Let’s all take a moment to be thankful it did. If the Big Book wasn’t written, well, I wouldn’t be typing these words. I’m willing to bet you wouldn’t be reading them. I’m indebted to this book and, of course, to Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob. It’s with the deepest respect that I take off my metaphorical hat and say Happy Birthday!
