by Fiona Stockard | Jun 19, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Written By: Katie Schipper
Romantic Relationships in Sobriety Can Be Healthy!
No, but seriously. Wait.
That guy/girl/whoever you met in your treatment center/halfway house/that meeting that you can’t live without? You can. Just wait. The crazy thing about waiting is that you might find out your tastes aren’t quite what you thought they were. Thirty, or sixty, or ninety days off your lifetime of smoking/snorting/shooting drugs and drinking? Yeah, you probably don’t know what you want!
So wait. You might grow (shocker!). You might change. You might actually realize there’s something to be said for getting to know yourself and your inherent value. You might learn that what’s inside you is so much bigger and so much better than an attachment to another human.
Before we start new relationships, we have to fix our old ones!
First We Must learn to Love Ourselves
That doesn’t necessarily mean wait a year. After all, a year is just an arbitrary, man-made measure of time. Some people might get well before a year is up. Others, most others, probably need well over a year to undo a lifetime of diseased, insane, chemically affected thinking and acting.
It isn’t the year so much that matters, but rather the time you’ve given to the two most vital, lasting, and important relationships in your life: the one you have with God/Higher Power/the Universe/etc. and the one you have with Yourself.
Here’s the thing, we’re phenomenally adept at bulls**ting ourselves. Nowhere is this more apparent than when we are describing why, contrary to all popular evidence, we’re ready to be in a relationship when we’ve done no meaningful work on rebuilding the ONLY relationships that matter!
It’s a cliché, but it doesn’t matter because it’s true! We can’t fully love someone without learning how to love ourselves. That doesn’t mean we aren’t capable of love, or that we don’t care about others, or anything like that. It means that until we’ve built a solid foundation of self-esteem and self-love (spoiler alert: that doesn’t happen overnight, or in a month, or in three months) we’ll use the other person to fill a void, or feel better about ourselves.
All of these things that we do in addiction recovery programs, all of the work, and soul-searching, and praying, and meditation – it’s designed to connect us to a God of our own understanding. Guess what? This God already lives within each of us. If we seek it in another person before we seek it in ourselves, we’re doing ourselves a huge injustice. We usually pay for it, too. Maybe not right away, but any relationship that’s put before those two most vital relationships will eventually crumble.
Safe relationships? Whatever happened to safe sex?
Let the Right Relationship Present Itself
As for the actual steps for getting into a healthy relationship? There aren’t any. If you can honestly and earnestly say that you have a solid relationship with yourself and God, then chances are you won’t be actively seeking a relationship. Usually, faith that the right relationship will present itself in your life goes hand-in-hand with those two things.
The beautiful thing about unreservedly loving yourself is that you get to a point where you won’t settle for less than you deserve. You’ll have this gut instinct that explains what this means for you. So, if you want to get into a healthy romantic relationship, the first thing you should do is wait.
by Sally Rosa | Jun 18, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Drug Addiction
Written By: Katie Schipper
Dealing with a Relapsing Roommate Isn’t Easy
One of the first things you’ll hear in treatment or a twelve-step fellowship is that not everyone stays sober. There are a lot of reasons people relapse into active addiction, but it usually comes down to whether or not someone’s ready and willing to give recovery as much focus as they gave getting high.
In a place like Delray Beach, where the recovery community is huge, chances are high that you’ll know a lot of people who relapse. The longer you stay sober, the higher that number will be. So, what happens when a relapse hits close to home? What’s there to do if you know your roommate is getting high or drunk?
Recovery Contracts
If you’re living with someone who starts using, it isn’t always easy to pack up your things and walk out the door. It’s probably just as hard to try and force someone else to leave. While it’s wise to go into any roommate situation with a recovery contract, once someone relapses that contract becomes pretty worthless. So, what do you actually do?
Moving in with others in recovery? Learn what to avoid.
Stay Focused!
The first thing to do, and continue doing, is working your program. You’re safe from the first drink, as long as you’re doing the right thing and not coasting along. If you have a sponsor, go to meetings, help other women, and do what’s suggested you’re not going to magically get drunk or high. At that point, you’d have to make a conscience decision to go out. So, the real question is a bit more complicated than simply “what do I do?” The real question is how to live with someone who’s relapsing, whether that’s the right thing to do, or how to get out of the situation.
Most sober women aren’t going to choose to stay in a living situation where someone is getting high or drunk. Sometimes though, there isn’t another option. If your roommate is using and you have no way out of the lease, make it that much more difficult for your roommate to continue “getting away with it.” At this point, there’s no reason to protect your roommate, harsh as that may sound. Trying to save face is also a waste of time. Tell people in your life, and in her life, what’s really going on. They might be able to help her. If she threatens to hurt herself or anyone else, tell someone that too, probably the police. The worst possible thing to do is to sit back and pretend like nothing’s happening. Addiction articles and stories repeat this truth. Simply put, if you know something isn’t right, say something.
How do those living with addicts recover? Read one woman’s personal story.
Leave if You Can
If you’re able to get out of your living situation, do so. Part of getting sober is recognizing that you no longer have to live the way you used to. You don’t have to settle for a subpar, painful existence. You don’t have to stay in situations where you no longer belong. You’re allowed to move and grow. You’re absolutely allowed to remove people from your life who don’t serve a positive purpose.
If your roommate is relapsing, bring extra focus to your own recovery. That’s where the answer lies and it’s where your solution is found.
by Fiona Stockard | Jun 16, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Written By: Katie Schipper
Pets Are A Lot Of Work
Animals, yay! Pets are one of the greatest little joys in this life. They become part of your family and are absolutely worth every vet-bill, clean up, and minor annoyance. Pets are the best.
Pets are also a lot of work. They aren’t just little toys. No, they’re living creatures that require attention, care, and money. Wanting the joy and companionship of a pet is normal, but should you get one fresh out of a treatment center for women? Should you get one right out of your halfway house? What are some factors to consider before you do get a pet?
Waiting For The Right Time
There are a lot of common recovery suggestions that don’t actually come from twelve-step literature. One of the most popular is to stay out of a relationship for your first year sober. Another is to wait the same amount of time to get a pet.
It doesn’t always make sense in the moment. These suggestions only reveal their importance in hindsight. That’s why they’re very often ignored. Our ingrained need to get what we want when we want it makes us stubbornly choose to jump into things. We often do whatever looks good in the moment, with little consideration for what the long-term outcome may be.
Consider getting a hobby before you get a pet!
Things to Consider
First of all, consider what foundations you have in your life. If you’re newly sober, do you have a steady job that allows you to be self-sufficient? If the answer is no, then you can’t afford a pet. If it’s yes, then ask yourself if you have a routine that allows you to focus on the things you need each day. These are things like meetings, working with a sponsor, attending any therapy you might do, going to work, or going to school. If you have a routine, and there’s time in it for a pet, then it becomes a matter of practicality.
We’re capable of doing all the things that so-called normal people do. There’s no reason we shouldn’t have pets that we love and care for. There’s nothing that says we aren’t responsible enough for a pet. In fact, the woman who’s active in recovery is often an example of responsibility!
Are you looking for love and companionship? Learn how one woman found love in sobriety!
At the risk of over-therapizing the issue, it’s worth considering if you’re buying a pet to fill some void, or offer a temporary fix to a bigger problem. The reality with every addict and alcoholic is that we’re spiritually sick. We frequently look to things outside of ourselves for fulfillment. Animals are without defense and it’s unfair to make them yet another victim of our own need to feel better.
Ideally, like with most major life changes, you’ll give yourself ample time to work on you before getting a pet. Remember, there’s no rush! Waiting to make such a large decision makes it that much more beautiful when you do get a pet. That way, you enter pet ownership out of love, not loneliness. You know that you have the means and wherewithal to care for another living creature.
by Sally Rosa | Jun 12, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Benefits of Sobriety
Written by Tim Myers
“All Righty Then”
“Look At The Fun-bags On That”
“Holy Testicle Tuesday”
“Holy S**t-balls”
“We Got No Food, We Got No Jobs…Our PETS’ HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!”
“That John Denver’s Full Of S**t”
How Jim Carrey’s Commencement Speech Can Keep You Sober
Jim Carrey said all of the above. On Saturday, May 24th, he also said something else. He gave the commencement speech to The Maharishi University of Management’s class of 2014 and dropped some serious wisdom.
Jim Carrey’s Speech Turned My Brain Upside Down
“Fear is going to be a big player in your life but you get to decide how much. You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts and worrying about the pathway to the future, but all there will ever be is what is happening here. The decisions we make in this moment are based in either love or fear. So many of us choose a path of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect so we never dare to ask the universe for it. I’m saying that I’m proof that you can ask the universe for it,” said Jim.
He went on to talk about what he learned from his father. “You can fail at what you don’t want to do, so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love,” he stated.
Son of a b***h! The same guy that makes his a*s talk just turned my brain upside down! He wrung it out like sponge and forced me to utter a phrase I never though would cross my lips – Jim Carrey’s speech is all you need to get sober.
Am I saying don’t go to rehab, don’t go to a twelve-step fellowship, just sit back, relax and watch Jim Carrey’s YouTube video once a day, everyday, for ninety days and you’ll never drink? Yes!
I’m kidding! I do believe women should go to a women’s treatment center and dudes need to go to a treatment for dudes. I do believe that without some sort of program, it’s very difficult to stay sober.
My point is, if you do everything Jim Carrey’s talking about, if you take his advice, you’ll get sober. Period, exclamation point, end of story. You can debate this point with me, as I’m sure you will, but it’s a fact. Just like water is wet, plants need sunlight, the sky is blue and Smucker’s Uncrustables are the most delicious food on the planet.
In Sobriety We Have No Limits
Okay, let’s dissect this speech from the beginning. Jim Carrey said, “I can not be contained because I am the container.”
What the crap does that mean? It means you’re in charge of your own limitations. You can’t be filled because you can always make yourself bigger. All the limitations on yourself are self imposed. The good news? Anyone can stop self imposing limits on themselves!
There’s no limit to what we can do. If you can’t stop drinking, you can break the contained. If you can’t stop snorting bath salts, or bath water, or whatever it is the kids are killing themselves with, you can break the container. Now, if it’s Rubbermade™, you’ll have to melt it, but trust me it can be done! Break Your Container.
Jim Carrey then expands on this idea. “I used to believe that who I was ended at the edge of my skin. That I had been given this little vehicle called a body in which to experience creation, although I couldn’t have asked for a sportier model. It was after all a loner and would have to be returned. Then I learned everything outside of the vehicle was part of me too. And now I drive a convertible.”
Here, he reminds us to open up, to let the top down and experience more than just what’s directly around us. If you’re trapped in a world of drugs, filth, corruption, prostitution, and alcoholism you can change by changing the vehicle you use to travel in life.
I used to drive a crappy 1996 Saturn with cigarette burns on the vinyl, carpet soaked in beer, and puke in the back seat. This isn’t a metaphor, it’s what my car really looked like. My fuel for this vehicle was addiction and self-interest. I changed my car and began a life fueled by Alcoholics Anonymous and helping other people. Now, I drive a convertible. Okay, it’s my Dad’s convertible, but the biggest miracle is that after over a decade of drug use (not to mention nine rehabs), I’m at a place where he actually lets me borrow it! Get A New Vehicle For Life.
Staying Sober Through Prayer and Meditation
Next, Jim Carrey talks about what I’ve come to believe is the most important part of staying sober – meditation. He says, “Meditation allows you to separate from who you are and what is real from the stories in your head. There is a huge difference between a dog that is going to eat you in your mind, and an actual dog that is going to eat you.”
How often do we make up stories in our head of all the horrible things that are going to happen? I do it a lot. Sometimes, it’s weird stuff. I once thought that when I die, I’ll hear Billy Joel’s “Only The Good Die Young” on the radio. So, every time that goddamn song came on, I’d bunker myself in my room and wait until midnight.
A more practical form of this comes from self defeating thoughts like, “I can’t stay sober or get sober or quit heroin or stop drinking.” These are NOT real dogs that are going to eat you. They’re just negative thoughts that you can remove through prayer and meditation. Meditate.
Next, Jim goes into the paragraph at the beginning of this article. He says, “All there will ever be is what is happening here.”
One day at a time. It’s not a cliché when you really believe it. It’s a way of life. Stay in Today.
Jim Carrey’s Commencement Speech is About Living in Love, Not Fear
“The decisions we make in this moment are based in either love or fear.” – Jim Carrey
There are a number of spiritually based programs that suggest the alcoholic is a producer of confusion, rather than harmony. Jim’s saying the same thing. He’s reminding us to choose love not fear, to choose harmony not confusion. Nothing great was every conceived through fear and confusion. Fear and confusion, as a resource, remind me of Nazi concentration camps. Love and harmony remind me of a beautiful beach, blue skies, sunshine, and lemonade. You choose the place you want to hang out in.
Choose Love.
“So many of us choose our path of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect so we never dare to ask the universe for it. I’m saying that I’m proof that you can ask the universe for it.” –Jim Carrey
Getting Sober Isn’t Impossible Because Nothing is Impossible
Jim emphasizes again and again that nothing’s impossible. Yes, you may not have the money for treatment. You may be in jail. You may be a single mother who can’t take twenty-eight days off from the kids, but also can’t stop popping Xanax like Mike & Ikes™. It may not seem practical for you to stop using, but that’s just fear yelling in your ear. Fear dances, twerks and shakes its a*s to lure you in. Fear pretends to be practicality when it’s really just fear telling you to make the wrong decision.
Fear can be a lot like a stripper. It pretends to love you. It pretends it will never leave you. It pretends it’s going to go home with you and stop sliding up and down the brass pole. What really happens? When the club closes, you’re alone with no money, crying in your car because “Destiny” ditched you for the table of frat boys. Oh, that Visa pre-paid card your grandma gave you for Chanukah? It’s out of money, by the way.
The practical choice is always the one that’ll make you happy and better the lives of those around you. Both factors need to be in conjunction though.
Asking The Universe For What you Want: A Highlight of Jim Carrey’s Speech
During Jim sobering speech, he said to dare and ask the universe for what you want. Do it. In many cases, we’ve lost so much to our addiction that all we have left is prayer. Turns out, that’s all we need.
You want to be sober? Ask for it. You want to stop drinking? Ask for it. Pray for it, meditate on it, and the answer will come. It has for me. I once prayed everyday for a wife. I went to the beach and prayed. I went back to my car and guess what? There was no hot chick waiting by my Saturn. So, I went to a meeting. This repeated over and over and over and over and over, until I met the woman I’m engaged to, outside that same meeting. If you want it, ask for it!
“You can fail at what you don’t want so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” – Jim Carrey
Simple, right? Yet why do so many of us not do it? Do what you love! Make yourself happy!
If you like planting things, start a garden. If you like animals, get a job at a animal shelter. Following this rule will ensure that when you die (many years from now!), you’ll be able to say “I did what I love.” How awesome would that be? Do What You Love!
Find Your Way Through Faith
“Take a chance on faith, not hope but faith. Hope walks through the fire, faith leaps over it.” – Jim Carrey
This was the moment when I thought Jim Carrey may actually be Jesus. I haven’t heard a statement of truth this powerful since MLK’s “I Have a Dream Speech.”
Hope is “uh maybe this will work,” or “boy, it’d be cool if I don’t get burned!” Hope is your fingers crossed. Faith is “f**k you fire, I’m jumping over you because I know I can!” Did Moses part the Red Sea? Nope, he didn’t. He had faith so strong that God opened the Red Sea up. His faith made that happen. Have Faith.
Break Your Container
Get A New Vehicle For Life
Meditate
Stay In Today
Choose Love
Ask For It
Do What You Love
Have Faith
See, you can have a life that is so star-spangled freaking awesome! All you have to do is – Break Your Container, Get A New Vehicle For Life, Meditate, Stay in Today, Choose Love, Ask For it, Do What You Love and Have Faith! That’s a fact brought to you by Jim Carrey.
by Sally Rosa | Jun 9, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Benefits of Sobriety
Written By: Katie Schipper
Is it Safe to Go Clubbing as a Sober Women?
Is It Even Possible?
Let’s be honest, if you’re newly sober and the vision of the life you used to lead isn’t too far behind you, it probably feels a lot like you don’t get to do anything you used to. It probably feels a lot like you don’t get to do anything fun. For young people in recovery, there’s this very, very common fear: that life is boring without drugs and alcohol!
Of course, this comes in the wake of forgetting how miserable it is to be a junkie, a drunk, a tweaker, a crack head, and anything else. Early on, we have to make a decision to let go of not just drugs and alcohol, but of a way of living and thinking that kept us constantly at odds with everyone else. We hear over and over that we have to give up people, places, and things that we used to associate with. It’s true. After all, we have a disease that demands we stay vigilant.
We also have a solution that promises we can go anywhere and do anything – does that include going clubbing? This question’s especially important for those of us who see clubs as being intimately tied to getting messed up.
The short answer is that we can absolutely go anywhere and do anything, but there are some things to consider before you hit the club!
What’s your take on the importance of accountability in recovery?
What to Think About First
You’ll hear from your sponsor, from treatment centers, from an intensive outpatient program, and elsewhere – frequenting places that serve booze or where it’s easy to get drugs isn’t a great idea in early-recovery! You may even live in a halfway house that tells you that you can’t go to clubs.
Listen to this advice! It’s much easier to pick up a drink or drug in a club than it is at a coffee shop. This is especially true when you haven’t done any significant work on distancing yourself from that drink or drug. A club, and in the same vein, concerts and other venues involving music and alcohol, is a place almost all of us associate with using and drinking.
Ideally, you should be actively working your steps with a sponsor. You should be in a place where you’ve started to embrace being honest. These improve your chances of not picking up in a club. Also, always get input from the sober supports in your life. These are the people who’ve been there and done that. If you don’t have sober supports, you should probably be more worried about finding some than about going to a club! That’s a solid foundation for determining if it’s time to go clubbing.
What’s you opinion on safe sex in sobriety?
The Bottom Line
All that said, if you love to dance or love going out in general, there’s nothing to stop you from having a ridiculously good time at a club. Drink some RedBull, get fresh, and go clubbing!
The amazing thing about clubbing sober, and doing so much else, is that you get to experience first hand how alcohol isn’t required to have a good time. You get to find out that you have a personality and a life that doesn’t have to be fueled by chemicals! Making these discoveries is one of the infinite gifts of getting sober and one of the ways we get to find out how worth it the work really is.
