by Sally Rosa | Jan 6, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Benefits of Sobriety
I Just Want to Be Normal!
“I just want to be sober and normal, that’s all I want” said Vanessa. She sat across from me while spending the night in a hospital for the ninth time in eighteen months. Throughout our whole conversation, she kept saying “I want to be normal, that’s all.”
What is normal anyway? Is it someone who doesn’t drink? Is it someone who doesn’t drugs? Is it someone that doesn’t live strictly for their own individual gain?
What is Normal Anyway?
I spent my whole life trying to be someone and something I wasn’t. I just wanted to be what everyone else wanted me to be. Well, what I thought they wanted me to be anyway.
“I just want to be normal” is a powerful sentence. Vanessa kept repeating it, again and again, while I looked at her with love and compassion. All the damage she caused the night before? It didn’t matter. All the people she had hurt? They didn’t matter. All that mattered was a woman with her head in her hands, repeating over and over how all she wanted was “to be normal.”
I knew what she meant, even if she didn’t. Vanessa wanted to live a life without insanity. She meant she’d give anything to feel better, to feel happy.
Recovery is Possible!
Most addicts don’t give themselves a chance to be normal. They keep hitting their head against the wall, over and over, until they simply give up. The funny thing is that after they give up, that’s when they have a shot at recovery.
I know that happiness and sobriety are within reach of everyone. There’s no one too smart, too dumb, too old, too angry, too sad, or too beaten to get sober. It’s there for anyone willing to do the work. That’s the catch though, there’s work involved. Recovery, faith in God, and sobriety are full time jobs.
For me, life isn’t about being “normal.” I still have no clue what normal even me. What I do know is that I can live a sober life. I can be happy, joyous, and FREE. I thank God for that every night, because, a few years ago, I sat in the chair Vanessa’s currently sitting in.
I want everyone to know that recovery IS possible. I want everyone who’s felt that bottom of your stomach hopelessness to know they can recovery. You just need to stop wanting and start doing. I’ll end with the most profound saying I’ve ever heard –
Recovery isn’t for those who need it and it isn’t for those who want it. Recovery is for those who do it!
by Fiona Stockard | Dec 21, 2012 | Addiction Treatment, Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
How to Stay Sober During the Holidays
Holidays and I Don’t Mix!
The holidays were always a strange time for me. This was the time of year to be happy, to be content, to spend quality time with the people I love. However, even before active addiction, I was so far from the realm of happiness that “joy” was a foreign word. I loved my family, but had no idea how to show it.
Once I began using, things quickly spun out of control. During the first holiday season of my active addiction, I burned down our Christmas tree! That might sound like a joke, but I promise, it’s depressingly true. Let’s just say that smoking weed around flammable pine needles isn’t a good idea.
A few years into my addiction and everything was a mess. My family wouldn’t let me stay at their house during the holidays (or anytime else, for that matter), or I wouldn’t even be invited.
I was as hopeless an addict as they come. If, by some miracle, I was invited home for Christmas, I’d leave a mess in my wake. I’d come in, take what I wanted, and leave. I’d get drunk off my family’s top shelf booze and create havoc.
The Beginning of the End
The final Christmas of my active addiction was particularly rough. I stole my parents car, crashed it, and got arrested. My poor parents! They had to bail me out of jail, again. I’d sworn to them, only a few months earlier, that they’d never EVER have to bail me out again.
You know when you’re little and someone says they’re disappointed with you? You know how that’s worse than hearing they’re mad at you? Well, that Christmas I got something to the effect of “you ruined the holidays AGAIN. You’re destroying the family and you don’t even care!” Ouch, right? Here I am, the holiday-cheer destroyer, running wild, killing moments of happiness with my addiction.
How to Stay Sober During the Holidays
A few months after that disastrous Christmas, I went to my first treatment center. I got help for my addiction and began to make my way into sobriety. I relapsed, but I’d been introduced to the rooms of recovery, and I had hope.
The past few Christmases have been just a LITTLE bit different. I’m able to be peaceful and happy. I’m surrounded by so many people I love and so many people that love me. I get to be grateful. I knew when I got sober that I wanted to stop drinking and using. What I got, though, was a life beyond my wildest dreams.
So, the million dollar question, how can you stay sober during the holidays? It’s incredibly simple. The best way to stay sober during the holidays is to have recovered from addiction! Simple, right? I promise, it is.
Get a sponsor and work the twelve-steps. Accept you’re an addict and alcoholic. Find out what your character defects are. Clean up the mess you leave in your wake. Continue to seek spiritual growth on a daily basis. If you do those things, you’ll stay sober during the holidays.
If you’re struggling with active addiction, or with that strange time known as the holidays, hang in there! If your family doesn’t welcome you back with open arms, wait for it. These things come in time. These things come after doing some work. The holidays are filled with love and gratitude. Guess what? So is sobriety!
by A Women in Sobriety | Dec 21, 2012 | Addiction Treatment, Benefits of Sobriety
Written By:
Fiona Stockard
Looks are Deceiving
Some people are born lucky. They come from decent homes. They have decent looks. They have decent personalities. Hell, maybe they even have a trust fund or two. These are the lucky ones, right?
Everything on the outside seems perfect. Inside though, well, it’s usually a different story. What I’m trying to say is that looks are deceiving.
Addicts = Actors
The same can be said for addicts and alcoholics. If I do say so myself, and I do, we’re the worlds best actors. We lie, cheat, and steal our way into whatever we want. I have a Ph.D in arguing, screaming, crying, and manipulating.
I remember being a kid and not getting what I wanted. What did I do? Accept the situation? Hell no! I kicked, screamed, and generally threw a tantrum until that shiny new toy was in my hands!
If I got in trouble, well, I’d find some way to sneak out of the consequences. On paper I was fine. I did well in school. I did well at work. I was a social butterfly as soon as I hit middle school. From the outside, it looked like I was heading in the right direction. However, that wasn’t the case at all.
On the inside I was a wreck. Am I going to give you the same old sob story? “Oh, I’ve always felt like a piece of crap! There’s so much agony in my heart!” Nope. That wasn’t always the case. For awhile I felt part of life. I felt fine. Once drugs and alcohol became my crutch, my only outlet for dealing with emotions, I became two people. I lost myself. There was the real Fiona, the inside Fiona, the train wreck Fiona. Then there was the fake Fiona, the outside Fiona, the perfect woman.
Blessings of Sobriety
Sobriety’s given me more blessings than I can count. Look, life’s not always perfect, but it’s a million times better than it was. One of the most meaningful blessings, probably the MOST meaningful, is my ability to be one person. Through sobriety, I’ve been able to combine the inside Fiona and the outside Fiona.
I’ve upgraded, if you will. I’ve found out who I really am. Sobriety’s been a crazy journey. A journey filled with beautiful, inspiring, heartwarming “ups,” and dark, painful, devastating “downs.” Still, nothing’s ever been worth more than my recovery. Nothing.
Nothing’s connected me more to a desire for life, to a passion, to a soul, than my sobriety. Yeah, some people are born lucky. But me? I’ve been granted a beautiful blessing.
by Fiona Stockard | Dec 21, 2012 | Addiction Treatment, Recovery
Growing Up Religious
I never had any intention of growing up and becoming a drug addict. It just sort of happened. I saw things I’d been sheltered from my entire life. I did things I swore I’d never do.
I was born into a way of life where God, and the Bible, were more important than anything else. I grew up a Jehovah’s Witness with a loving family. I was raised with spiritual principals and a deep love for God. When I was around sixteen, I switched high schools. I ended up with friends who were Jehovah’s Witnesses and friends who weren’t. My family always warned me “bad associations spoil useful habits,” but I just heard another restriction being placed on my life. I started becoming resentful at my upbringing.
I never felt connected to the religion I was raised in. It was what I was supposed to do, not what I wanted to. I went through with the motions, trying to be part of a life that was so important to my family. I thought religion was the only option if I wanted God in my life. I was either a Jehovah’s Witness, or I was nothing. I chose nothing.
I felt being raised as a Jehovah’s Witness was the reason I didn’t fit in anywhere. I couldn’t celebrate Christmas. I couldn’t date the boys I wanted. I felt different than everyone else (turns out most addicts feel this way, but I didn’t know that at the time). I became angry at God.
How Dark It Is Before Dawn
Just like I was angry at God, I thought God was angry at me. I thought God was angry at me for smoking cigarettes, for drinking recreationally, for having premarital sex.
Being angry at God is a dangerous thing for an addict like me. I had this empty, and ever growing, hole in my chest. This space, as a child, was filled with God’s grace. This hole was painful, shameful, and unbearable.
The shame I experienced for dishonored my family only brought me to darker places. Soon, I was spending all day, everyday, trying to numb my feelings. I’d do anything to distract myself from the pain and anger I felt as soon as I opened my eyes each morning. I was exactly what my family never wanted me to be, a junkie. I didn’t care about anything besides getting high.
After a couple years of couch surfing, and the occasional dirty apartment, I moved back to my parent’s house. This quicker my spiral to rockbottom. I saw, everyday, just how badly I was living. Shame, guilt, and love for your family are powerful motivators. I finally confessed to my parents all of what was going on. They immediately went into “save our daughter” mode.
I was ninety pounds. All the life had left my eyes. I was a walking dead woman. It was horrible for my family to see me this way.
My Experience With a God of My Own Understanding
My family placed me in a treatment center, where my real work started. I was afraid to believe in God. I thought if I believed in God, I’d have to take responsibility for how bad of a person I was convinced I was. In treatment I was given a gift.
My therapist told me early on that I wasn’t restricted to believing only what my family did. This was the first time I’d ever heard those words. I always thought I was a Jehovah’s Witness, or nothing at all. For the first time in my life, I could choose a God of my own understanding.
It took me a few days to believe this was actually true! Soon, I got a sponsor and began working the twelve-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. My sponsor also explained I was free to choose whatever conception of God I wanted.
I created my own God. This God was all about love and forgiveness. A lot of the concepts I used came from the religion I was raised in. However, I put my personal spin on God. I was raised with good morals and spiritual principals. Once I learned to accept my family’s way of life, I was free of all resentment towards the Jehovah’s Witness religion. In fact, I feel that being raised as a Jehovah’s Witness gave me some help while learning learning how to live God’s will. I was created by a spiritual being, but let myself get in my own way!
I’m no longer a Jehovah’s Witness, but I do have an amazing Higher Power. This Higher Power’s brought me from the darkest misery to the most beautiful happiness. I have a great relationship with my family. Today, we can talk about God and life without anyone leaving the room.
I was given the gift to have my own conception of God and my life’s been nothing but wonderful since!
by Sally Rosa | Dec 21, 2012 | 12 Steps, Addiction Treatment
Being the Mother of an Addict Isn’t Easy
I’ve been on the journey of recovery with my daughter for six years. Today she celebrates twenty months sober!
That’s almost two years. Remember, I said we’ve been on this journey for six. My daughter, who’s twenty-five, has been trying to get sober since nineteen. Even before that, it was clear something bad was going on.
Over the past twenty months, I’ve learned my daughter’s sobriety is in her own hands. Her sobriety isn’t in my hands. Her sobriety isn’t in her father’s hands. Her sobriety isn’t in her friend’s hands. That wasn’t an easy lesson to learn. It took years to accept and even longer to really feel in my heart.
I’m active in my own recovery as the parent of an addict. That means I go to Al-Anon. I go to a support group. I have my own therapist. My husband and I have a marriage counselor. My daughter, husband, and I have a family therapist.
Halfway Houses Help Addicts
I’m a firm believer in the value of halfway houses. Aside from my daughter going to treatment, going to a halfway house was the best decision she ever made.
Halfway houses are a vital part of any addict’s recovery. I’ve seen the benefit firsthand. My daughter lived in one for eight months. She didn’t always like it, in fact, she often didn’t like it. She stayed though. She stayed and learned how to get better.
Residential addiction treatment sets the stage for long-term recovery. However, it’s putting those skills learned in treatment into daily practice that ensures long-term recovery. Practicing behaviors like accountability, honesty, responsibility, and reaching out allow addicts to enter the “real world” with their heads held high. Practicing these behaviors allows addicts to meet the expectations and challenges that come with being a sober adult.
Halfway Houses Help Families Too
A child’s time in a halfway house helps their family as well. Simple as that.
The months my daughter spent in her halfway house helped me and my husband to address our co-dependency issues. The halfway house staff was invaluable in bringing this issue to our attention. I learned it’s easy to fall back into enabling behavior.
I wouldn’t have been able to work on myself, nor my husband on himself, if our daughter didn’t have the support she needed. I wouldn’t have been able to work on myself if my daughter didn’t have the structure, reinforcement, and personal guidance she received at her halfway house.
My experience of good halfway house providers is that they know how to support addicts in early recovery.
This support includes:
-Holding newly sober addicts accountable for their actions
-Helping them contribute to the house (chores, cleaning, etc.)
-Helping them maintain employment
-Introducing them to recovery communities
-Ensuring participation in twelve-step fellowships
One final benefit of halfway houses is their rent is realistic. It won’t break the addict’s bank. There aren’t any leases to sign, rent is paid week-to-week. This ensures that if someone does relapse, they can be immediately kicked out without losing a lot of money and, more importantly, keeping the rest of the residents safe. These small financial steps help addicts to budget and rebuild their financial life as well.
