by A Women in Sobriety | Feb 11, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Why Should I Go to Women’s Meetings?
While I could write an entire article about women’s meetings (and this is that article!), the main benefit of attending a female only twelve-step meeting is simple and obvious – less distraction!
Simply put, boys distract us from seeking God. They distract us from working on ourselves. They distract us from seeking and implementing spiritual principles in our lives. Basically, boys distract us!
And it’s not only their fault! I’m certainly at fault here. I’d much rather talk to a cute guy than listen to reasons prayer is so vital. I’d much rather daydream about that surfer boy sitting in front of me than learn why resentments are the number one offender.
Plus, I think it’s the same for men. While I can’t be 100% sure, I’m pretty certain they’re the same way. After all, wouldn’t a guy rather flirt with me (!) than work on himself? Wouldn’t a guy rather flirt with any woman than taking a look at himself?
Guys – if you’re reading this, weigh in!
So, why should we go to women’s only meetings? First off, to learn what sobriety’s really about! Gender-specific meetings offer a few other benefits too. Find out what they are below!
Strong Sober Supports
Yes, men can be sober supports. I know my phone is full of guy’s numbers, strictly platonic, that I can call at anytime of the day if I need help. Still, for me, having guys as sober supports isn’t as good as having women.
So, at women’s only meetings, we can build strong sober supports. We make friendships that can last for the rest of our lives. We meet women who, through the miraculous workings of a God of our own understanding, have been through the exact same situations as us.
I know the first time I heard a women share something that had happened to me, that I thought I was alone in dealing with, my jaw hit the ground. I was shocked. Was she reading my mind? Nope. It turns out that alcoholics are pretty similar.
Side bar – that woman who shared my exact experience? She ended up being my first sponsor. God is good, my friends.
A Space for Victims of Abuse
Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse aren’t uncommon for women in recovery. I now I’ve certainly experienced them firsthand. So, for women in early-sobriety and beyond to have a safe space is absolutely vital.
Going to women’s only meetings provides this much needed space of safety and security.
We Can Share Openly
Imagine if you started to share about something personal, and when I say personal I mean personal, and you saw a boy making eyes at you from across the room! That wouldn’t be cool! It would make me feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, and like I couldn’t share openly.
Here, we reach one of the main reasons that we need female only meetings – they offer the privacy to share openly and honestly. The entire twelve-step recovery foundation is based on honesty. It’s the spiritual principle behind the first step!
So, imagine if we couldn’t speak honestly! It would stink. Thankfully, we have women’s meetings. For those of you lucky enough to be located in a “recovery hotspot” like south Florida, you even have hundreds of women’s meetings a day!
And that, my friends, is pretty priceless!
by Sally Rosa | Jan 2, 2015 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
What’s Your New Year’s Resolution?
As 2021 winds down and 2022 fast approaches (by the time you guys read this it’ll probably be 2022 already!), we’re confronted with the dreaded New Year’s resolution.
Why are they so dreaded though? They shouldn’t be! I mean, our New Year’s resolutions are supposed to be goals to work towards during the rest of the year. They’re the first sentence in the book of a new year. What are you going to write?
That’s how I’ve always looked at them anyway. It seems like most of the world looks at them a bit differently. New Year’s resolutions seem to be sources of stress, and eventually guilt, for everyone, but particularly for women in sobriety.
This brings me back to the question of why? Why do we freak out over what to focus on in the new year? Why do beat ourselves up if we don’t reach a certain weight or go to the gym a certain number of times per week? It seems kind of silly if you ask me!
With that in mind, I’ve come up with some tips for practical, realistic, and healthy New Year’s resolutions. I hope they help you wonderful ladies make yours!
Be Specific
While thinking about how to best make a healthy New Year’s resolution, I kept coming back to this idea. How can we tell if we’re succeeding at our goal, if our goal isn’t specific and measurable?
It’s great to say “I want to reach out to more people,” but what does that look like? How will you reach out to more people? What constitutes “more people?” Ten, twenty, fifty, a hundred people?
Be specific! It’ll pay off when we’re able to measure how much progress we’ve made over the year!
Plus, making a specific and measurable resolution may even help us to avoid unhealthy ones. It’s easy to say “I want to lose weight,” but when we get specific, we can see that losing weight isn’t as important as building friendships or getting outside our comfort zones!
Be Realistic
This goes hand-in-hand with being specific. Make a realistic New Year’s resolution! After all, it’s great to say “this year I’m going to make $10 million,” but how realistic is that?
We set ourselves up for failure when we make unrealistic goals, both as New Year’s resolutions and in general. So, let’s avoid that! Instead of trying to make $10 million, let’s set our sights on getting a raise.
What’s that you say? Oh, yeah, be specific! Let’s say, “I’d like to get a 10% raise during the new year.” Sounds good to me!
Pray & Meditate Before Making a Resolution
This isn’t so much for New Year’s resolutions, but for everything! When we pray and meditate, our thoughts and actions are healthier. When we seek out God’s will, instead of our own, our thoughts and actions are selfless. When we seek to give, rather than receive, we get back so much more!
Prayer and meditation are key to making healthy choices. Why not ask what God wants us to do in 2015? Right away, that’ll eliminate some obvious and unhealthy resolutions like losing weight. Would God rather we lose weight or help another woman? I’m guessing the answer is help another woman!
Don’t Include Weight
This is probably the hardest suggestion to incorporate into any New Year’s resolution. It is for me, anyway!
It seems like our culture is constantly telling us to lose weight and be skinnier. So, it makes sense that a popular, probably the most popular, New Year’s resolution is to lose weight.
And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to shed a few pounds. But when we make this our primary focus, our end-all goal for entire year, well, then we run into trouble. Especially as women in recovery from substance abuse and harmful behavior!
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
I can’t stress this enough. Don’t beat yourself up about not sticking to a New Year’s resolution! Oh, it’s March and you only reached out to five people? Don’t sweat it! You have the entire year.
Now, there’s a fine line between not beating yourself up and slipping into apathy or avoidance. There is for me, anyway. I’m an alcoholic who tends to think in extremes. I’m either all in or all out. I’m either beating myself up or not caring at all.
I need to find a medium. We, as women growing in the image and likeness of our creator, need to find a medium. That’s a whole other conversation, though!
Don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re struggling to accomplish your New Year’s resolution. Remember, it’s just a resolution. It’s not do or die. It’s not the end of the world if we don’t accomplish everything we want to.
It’s the attempt that’s important. It’s the fact that we’ve striving to be better today than we were yesterday that’s important!
Is your resolution to get sober, but you don’t have health insurance? Learn how to pay for rehab without insurance call today
by Fiona Stockard | Dec 24, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
The Stages of Sobriety
Although I sometimes forget this important fact, I didn’t get better overnight! It took me exactly how long it took me to grow into a woman of grace and dignity. It took me six years.
Now don’t get me wrong, the obsession to drink and use drugs was lifted as soon as I did the work. I got a sponsor within my first few weeks sober. I started working the steps. I had a spiritual awakening and haven’t obsessed over chemicals in a long time. Emotional sobriety, though? That’s a whole other story.
I was a mess of character defects, insecurities, and selfish behaviors for my first year sober. Slowly, they began to fade away as I did more work on myself. I prayed, meditated, helped others, went to therapy, and completed therapy assignments. Through this process, I began to get better in all areas of my life.
So, how do women in early-recovery move from scared girls to women of grace and dignity? The answer is time, self-reflection, and fearless work on ourselves.
To help make sense of this process, I’ve outlined the different stages of sobriety. I hope you all find them helpful! Learn from my mistakes and lessons, so you don’t have to make the same ones!
In Treatment
This is the first step to a new life. We’re freshly sober and probably out of our minds with fear, resentment, ego, insecurity, and a hundred other worries.
Rehab is a place to physically separate us from drugs and alcohol. It’s a safe environment for us to reawaken to the world. It’s a home away from home. If those examples sound kind of corny, well, deal with it! They’re 100% true!
Not only does being in treatment keep us physically safe from booze and drugs, it also allows us to learn about ourselves. Treatment is a time for reflection and realization. It’s a safe place to face the demons that kept us drinking and drugging for years.
Of course, facing these demons isn’t enough. We have to overcome them. We’re introduced to the tools we use to accomplish this in rehab. We’re introduced to spiritual principles like honesty, faith, service, and communication in rehab.
Early-Sobriety
I define early-sobriety as the time after rehab to three years. That’s a pretty long stretch of time! The important thing to remember is that the physical time doesn’t matter. Rather than quantity, we’re aiming for quality!
Early-sobriety is where the rubber meets the road. It’s where we reenter the world and put those spiritual principles into practice. It’s also where I made most of my mistakes.
I did a ton of stupid things in early-sobriety. I got involved with boys and took the focus off my Higher Power. I went to the casino and started compulsively gambling. I had more jobs than I can count on one hand, and maybe more than I can count on both hands. I practiced dishonesty instead of honesty.
There were a couple of things I did right though! I went to an all women’s halfway house. I was dating when I shouldn’t have, but I also had strong women surrounding me.
I was 100% honest with my sponsor. I told her everything good and bad I was doing. She chewed me out regularly and I deserved it!
Finally, even though my focus was often taken off my spiritual growth, I continued to work the steps. Within six months I’d completed them and began to reach out to others. Yeah, I was still full of character defects, but I was trying my best to help others.
The Danger Zone
The danger zone is my nickname for the period between three years and double-digit sobriety. I call it the danger zone because it seems like a lot of women relapse during this time.
I’m currently six and a half years sober. So, I’m smack in the middle of the danger zone! After making the same mistakes over and over during early-sobriety, I’ve started to really grow as a woman of grace and dignity.
I’m in the danger zone, but I’m doing well. I don’t enter romantic relationships, or any relationships for that matter, which aren’t healthy. I pray, meditate, and practice God-centered sponsorship. I stopped gambling! I put others’ needs before my own.
Through doing these simple (but not easy!) steps, I’m protected from drinking and selfish behavior. Of course, if I stop doing them, if I stop practicing these principles in all my affairs, I’m going to drink.
It’s that simple. If I stay balanced, I’ll stay healthy and sober. If I lose balance, I’ll end up drunk and selfish.
Long-Term Sobriety
I think of long-term sobriety as having over ten years. It’s funny, though, I’ve heard countless old-timers refer to themselves as newcomers. Now that’s humility!
I’m not at this stage yet, so I’m not sure what it’s like. I bet it’s probably similar to where I’m at now. That’s one of the many wonderful things about recovery – if I do the same things at twenty years that I did at twenty days, I’ll stay sober.
One thing I’ve heard many people with long-term sobriety say is how simple their lives have become. While, in some ways, my life is simpler at six plus years sober, it’s also more complicated. I have more responsibility, accountability, and daily tasks than I did in early-sobriety.
I image I’ll have even more at fifteen or twenty years. I think old-timers are talking about their emotional health when they say their lives are simple. I hope that’s it anyway!
Want to know how to get to long-term sobriety? It’s simple, really. Find an old-timer and ask them how they did it. The answer won’t disappoint you, I promise!
by Fiona Stockard | Dec 22, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
The Hidden Danger of Energy Drinks
If you’re alive, you probably drink energy drinks. I know I do. Red Bull and Monster have become our generation’s morning coffee. It seems like everybody has one of those shiny metal bottles in their hand at some point during the day.
What about those in recovery, though? How do energy drinks and sobriety intersect? Why, in the rooms of recovery, does everyone seem to have energy drinks glued to their palms?
While I can’t answer those questions with 100% certainty, I can offer some educated guesses. Speaking for myself, a woman in long-term recovery, I like the energy that energy drinks give me. I mean, it’s in their very name!
Energy drinks work great. One in the morning gets me ready for work. One in the afternoon takes away that dreary and tired feeling. On the weekends, having an energy drink gets me ready to go out and have fun!
For women in recovery, though, energy drinks can be dangerous. We’re trying to stay free from all mind and mood altering chemicals. How do we reconcile that with drinking large amounts of caffeine?
I think the first point we need to address is the age old question – are energy drinks a relapse?
What are the pro’s and con’s of e-cigs?
Are Energy Drinks a Relapse?
While this may seem like a dumb question to some, it’s absolutely valid. Energy drinks contain super doses of caffeine and energy boosting vitamins. Caffeine is, technically speaking, a drug.
The answer to this question lies in checking our motives. Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you drink energy drinks for the energy and alertness they bring?
Do you drink them to chase that old jittery feeling?
Do you drink energy drinks because you’re uncomfortable in your skin and want to feel different?
What about as an appetite suppressant?
How many do you drink each day?
How many do you drink at once?
Do you sober supports, including sponsor, know about you energy drink consumption?
To put it another way, are we using energy drinks for their intended purpose or are we falling into old behaviors?
Depending on how we answered the above questions – energy drinks may be considered a relapse.
Learn the amazing places sobriety can take you!
Energy Drinks in Rehab
The debate surrounding energy drinks and relapse is precisely why they’re not allowed in most rehabs. Despite this strict no energy drink policy that treatment centers have, they’re still popular among patients.
Speaking from personal experience, everyone I was in rehab with drank energy drinks. I was no exception. Even though they were considered contraband, and we could get in trouble for even being in the energy drink and supplement aisle at Publix, we found ways to smuggle them in.
Does the responsibility lie on us, as patients who were breaking rehab rules? Does the responsibility lie on the staff for not monitoring us closely enough (though it certainly felt like they were!)? It’s probably a little of column A and a little of column B.
What I do know is that we were drinking energy drinks to feel different. We were using a substance to escape the restless, irritable, and discontent feeling that’s so common among those in early-sobriety.
Alternatives to Energy Drinks
Here we come to the crux of the problem with energy drinks and sobriety. They allow alcoholics to act out. They allow us a short-term escape instead of a long-term solution.
Instead of drinking energy drinks, why not try some healthy habits and behaviors? And ladies, don’t think I’m lecturing you! I’m saying this to remind myself to be healthier too!
Need energy? Try meditating and doing yoga. This always gives me a boost. Also, there’s nothing that increases energy more than drinking the right amount of water. Seriously, there’s nothing!
Need to improve concentration? Again, let’s try meditation and yoga. Not only do they give me energy, but they make me more focused and productive throughout my day.
Feeling restless and looking for a quick escape? Well, I don’t have an answer for the quick escape part, but I do have an answer for that restlessness. Try working steps and living by spiritual principles!
It’s not a quick escape, but rather the key to a life beyond our wildest dreams. Yeah, I’ll take that over an energy drink any day!
Sober life hacks? Okay, I’m interested!
by Sally Rosa | Dec 3, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Alcoholics Anonymous: The Early Days
Alcoholics Anonymous began on the first day of Dr. Bob’s sobriety – June 10th, 1935.
Several years later, 1939 to be exact, the book Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism was published. This volume has come to be affectionately called the Big Book.
In the almost eighty years since A.A.’s founding, it’s helped millions of people recover and spawned countless other fellowships. Today, a woman trying to get sober has her pick of fellowships, meetings, and sponsors. It wasn’t always like that.
I’m not so sure the explosive growth of twelve-step based recovery is such a good thing. Let me be clear, I’m beyond grateful for this program. When I think of all the lives A.A., and other twelve-step fellowships, have touched, my mind boggles.
Still, a lot has changed since Bill and Dr. Bob set out to help other alcoholics. Sponsorship, and in a larger sense recovery, isn’t treated the same.
Success Rates from the Early Days
The second edition of the Big Book contains a forward. Published in 1955, it reads “Of alcoholics who came to AA and really tried, 50% got sober at once and remained that way; 25% sobered up after some relapses, and among the remainder, those who stayed on with AA showed improvement” (The Big Book, page XX).
50%, or 75% depending on how you look at it, isn’t too shabby! Imagine if half to three quarters of those walking through the doors of AA today got sober!
So, why’d rates of recovery drop from those lofty numbers to today’s approximate 1%? More importantly, how do we get back to these astounding numbers of recovery?
Well, it could have something to do with sponsorship.
Sponsorship from the Early Days
“Though three hundred thousand have recovered in the last twenty-five years, maybe half a million more have walked into our midst, and then out again. We can’t well content ourselves with the view that all these recovery failures were entirely the fault of the newcomers themselves. Perhaps a great many didn’t receive the kind and amount of sponsorship they so sorely needed. We didn’t communicate when we might have done so. So we AA’s failed them.”
–Bill W., excerpted from a 1961 volume of the Grapevine
During the 1930’s, 40’s, and 50’s, a different type of sponsorship was practiced. First, there was co-sponsorship. Before we get into that, though, let’s discuss God centered sponsorship.
God Centered Sponsorship
This is the idea that rather than running to your sponsor with any and all problems, you take them to God.
Remember, nowhere in the Big Book does it say we should rely too much on our sponsor. In fact, nowhere in the Big Book does it mention a sponsor at all. This idea will be explored in detail later.
Anyway, God centered sponsorship is simple. We pick a sponsor, a woman who’s been through all twelve of the steps. We work through them with her. Then, instead of besieging her every time something bad happens, we pray and meditate over it.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s vitally important to communicate with your sponsor. Hell, I call mine four or five times a week. Still, I don’t bring my problems to her (unless, of course, it’s a problem she’s had personal experience with).
I bring my problems to God. I pray to God, letting her (yep, my God is a woman!) know what’s going on. Then I meditate, listening for an answer. Often, God speaks to me through other women. For example, if I have a problem with money, I’m going to call my friends who’re good with money. That’s God speaking to me.
Want to know something funny? Often, after meditating on a problem or issue, I’ll call my sponsor about it. That’s another perfect example of God speaking to me through other women.
I think it’s important here to point out the difference between practicing God centered sponsorship and simply being lazy. Being lazy is not working steps, not communicating with your sponsor, and not living life on spiritual principals. God centered sponsorship is working steps and then communicating with your sponsor as needed rather than 1,000 times each day.
Co-Sponsorship
If God centered sponsorship sounds radical (and I hope it doesn’t!) then co-sponsorship is going to sound crazy! This is the idea that the sponsor should take her current sponsee with her to meet other newcomers.
Okay, that sounds kind of confusing, right? I had to read it twice and I’m still not sure what I wrote. Thankfully, Clarence S., an old-timer, had a much simpler explanation. He wrote,
“Additional information for sponsoring a new [wo]man can be obtained from the experience of older [wo]men in the work. A co-sponsor, with an experienced and newer member working on a prospect, has proven very satisfactory. Before undertaking the responsibility of sponsoring, a member should make certain that [s]he is able and prepared to give the time, effort, and thought such an obligation entails. It might be that [s]he will want to select a co-sponsor to share the responsibility, or [s]he might feel it necessary to ask another to assume the responsibility for the [wo]man he has located.”
–Clarence S., excerpted from a 1944 pamphlet on sponsorship
Leaving out the use of male pronouns (seriously, were no women getting sober back then?!), that makes a lot of sense. I cringe when I think of how I sponsored my first newcomer. I didn’t send her to God at all!
If my sponsor had been there, guiding us both, maybe things would have turned out differently. Or maybe not, who knows? God works in mysterious ways, my friends!
Could These Techniques Lead to More Women Recovering?
Ultimately, I don’t know! I think there are a lot of benefits to things like God centered sponsorship and co-sponsorship.
I think there are also other beneficial tactics women with time can take to help newcomers. For example, why make a sponsee call us? Shouldn’t we be calling them? Isn’t that how Bill found Dr. Bob in the first place?
So, will this sort of proactive, in-depth sponsorship help newcomers? There’s only one way to find out! I’ll see you out there in the trenches, ladies!
