by Fiona Stockard | Oct 27, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Drug Addiction
An Unintended Overdose
One of our wonderful fans, the talented Ariana Galante, sent us this poem.
Ariana’s a high school junior from Pennsylvania. She wrote “The Risky Game” after her school hosted a drug awareness seminar.
She was moved by this seminar, saying it brought back memories of her experience with a family member’s addiction. She lived in constant fear of losing her sister. Today, she says, her sister is doing great and has been sober for a few years.
Thanks Ariana! You rock!
If any other Sobriety For Women fans would like to send us work, shoot an email to info@sobrietyforwomen.com. Remember, we can all change!
The Risky Game
One time.
One chance.
I take the risk.
Will it be my last?
Heavy eyes,
dizzy head,
I lay down,
on my bed.
Hurry please!
Come get me now!
Find me!
I’m beginning to drown.
I doze off.
I drift.
Flying high,
but now stiff.
She enters.
Sees me lying here,
coming closer,
touches my hair.
I’m cold.
She falls.
Grabs her phone,
and makes that call.
That dreaded day,
we are now apart,
my mistake,
her broken heart.
But for me,
what seemed like a fun time,
careless actions,
turned into the way I died.
–Ariana Galante
by Fiona Stockard | Oct 8, 2014 | Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
Addiction is a Family Disease…So What?
First, let me say that my brother isn’t a junkie! He’s a great guy with absolutely no substance abuse problems. It was just a catchy title, I swear!
It’s 2014. By now, we all believe and accept that addiction is a disease. More than that, we believe and accept that addiction is a family disease. That means it’s partially genetic in nature and can be passed down through generations of a family. No shockers there. None of that’s a revelation.
What I want to talk about is a little different. I want to talk about are the dynamics of being sober and having family members in active addiction.
Now, I’m the oddball out in my nuclear family. Neither my mom, dad, or brother are addicts or alcoholics. My parents don’t even like to drink. My brother’s a social drinker. If he’s at a party, he’ll have a couple of beers.
However, I do have uncles and cousins who’re active alcoholics. I’ll tell you a little bit about how I’ve dealt with them in my sobriety.
My Experience with Family Members in Active Alcoholism
I come from a large family with a ton of extended relatives. Of these, several of my uncles and cousins are alcoholics. That’s my take, anyway. I have one uncle who, in his forties, still lives with his dad. I have another who, despite being a successful banker, drinks everyday.
As for my cousins, oh man, they’re wrecks. I have two guy cousins who can’t stop getting into trouble. I have a girl cousin with severe anxiety issues who medicates with weed.
My Uncles
My family gets together for every major holiday. That’s mostly where I see my uncles. Being honest here, I haven’t seen either of them drunk or high more than once or twice. Yeah, they’ll drink, and occasionally smoke a joint in the backyard, but they rarely get really loaded.
That isn’t to say they aren’t drinking. They literally always have a beer in their hands. The second they finish that beer, they get another. They’re not shotgunning beers and getting rowdy, but they’re never without alcohol.
My Cousins
When I was younger, I’d get drunk and high with my cousins. My guy cousins love to smoke weed. They’re about the same age as me, so when I was younger, we’d smoke before school. Then during the day, we’d sneak out to smoke more. Basically, we were always blazing. My girl cousin is a bit younger, so we never used together.
Things are different with my cousins than they are with my uncles. I have a history of getting loaded with them. Today, it’s strange to see them at family gatherings. They’re all over twenty-one, so drinking at these gatherings is accepted.
Much like my uncles, my cousins are rarely without a drink in their hands. However, unlike my uncles, they’re actively getting as drunk and high as possible. My guy cousins will smoke weed in the backyard constantly. My girl cousin grew up to love weed, so she’s out there with them. By the end of the night, someone has to drive them home because they’re far, far gone.
Dealing with Family in Active Addiction
It’s important to note, seeing family members use and drink isn’t triggering at all. It definitely is uncomfortable to see them behave in stupid ways, but it isn’t triggering.
But Fiona, you may be asking, why doesn’t it trigger you? Well, dear reader, it isn’t triggering because I’m spiritually fit. See, the Big Book tells us that if we’re spiritually fit drugs and alcohol won’t bother us. To quote a wonderful passage –
“We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p 85).
Once I get in contact with a God of my own understanding, I don’t have to worry about being triggered. I don’t have to worry about alcohol and drugs making me uncomfortable. I do have to worry about keeping in fit spiritual condition.
Staying spiritually fit’s accomplished by helping others, taking a daily inventory, making amends when needed, praying, meditating, and staying honest. So, as long as I do those things, I don’t have to worry about my cousins and uncles drinking and drugging. I pray for them, but I don’t have to be bothered by their use.
It’s that simple! There’s no trick or life hack that makes us okay with others drinking and drugging. Nope, it accomplished through old-fashioned hard work!
by Fiona Stockard | May 21, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
I recently celebrated my first anniversary in sobriety. I was in a deep state of regret coming up to my anniversary. Things were piling up. Those years in college when I’d done no work and had poor grades. That stage of my life when I should have been figuring out what I wanted to be. My family, who I’d hurt terribly. Yeah, things were starting to pile up.
How can the family of an alcoholic recover?
The Difference Between Guilt and Shame
“Do you know the difference between guilt and shame?” my therapist asked, as I struggled to explain my feelings to her. “No,” I replied. They felt like the same thing.
The psychoanalyst Helen B. Lewis reasons that “The experience of shame is directly about the self, which is the focus of evaluation. In guilt, the self is not the central object of negative evaluation, but rather the thing done is the focus”[1].
“Shame is thinking that you’re a bad person, while guilt is thinking that you did bad things,” my therapist explained. I instantly knew which one I felt. Shame. I felt shame.
I wonder why my mind had translated me doing bad things into me being a bad person. So, I spoke to some friends about it. Many of my female friends had the same experience I did.
“I think there’s a healthy and unhealthy way to deal with shame” said one of my friends.
“What’s a healthy way?” I replied.
“Amends,” she said.
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Making Proper Amends
Amends are tricky! It’s important to write your amends list and amends letters with a sponsor. She’ll be able to give you an objective opinion about what to include and what not to include in your amends letters.
Remember, if you’re not on the ninth step, don’t make amends! Don’t rush out to make amends, a lot could go wrong! However, if you’re early in sobriety, or perhaps don’t feel your amends were good enough, make a living amends. This is when you simply live in a different way, a sober way. Living amends are good ways of challenging shame.
It’s hard to right all the wrongs we’ve done to people, especially those closest to us. My amends experience is a perfect example. When I sat down with my mom, she asked me “what about all the pain?” She thought my amends would make away all the pain I’d caused her. Through my living amends to my family (staying sober and being present as a daughter), I can save her any new heartbreak.
Staying sober one day at a time is also a living amends I make to myself. It’s my way of fighting shame. Today, I can do the right thing as a sober woman of integrity.
Join in on the conversation with other sober women
[1] Lewis, Helen B. (1971), Shame and guilt in neurosis, International University Press, New York, ISBN0-8236-8307-9 & http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame
by Fiona Stockard | Mar 21, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Drug Addiction
CASE NUMBER: 07-1414
TO: My Mother and Father
Everyone makes mistakes in their life. There are two ways to handle those mistakes, you can turn the experience into a positive, or make it define your lifestyle. I chose to go with option A.
In my case, I have screwed up a lot over the years. Always thinking I was unbeatable, but with time, consequences do arise. You begin to realize that you are above nothing. Even at my lowest point, my parents have stood by me. Originally, this was supposed to be an apology letter, but I have decided to twist it into a thank you letter.
I am not sorry for my addictions, they were not by choice. They helped me become the strong person I am today. They made me realize that life is too short to screw it up for something that benefits me in not one single way.
I choose to look at everything the world has to offer and how I am able to overcome and conquer all. Being a strong person does not get you very far without support from the family.
I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow into the person I truly am.
Thank you for your support, trust, confidence, and love- it is all appreciated.
Sincerely,
The Best Bull-Sh**ter Ever
________________________________________________________________________________________
Yeah, this was a letter I wrote two years before I got sober. It was part of my probation. I was a great manipulator my entire life. I mean turning an apology letter into a thank you letter? Come on! Give me a break. I kept my family up countless nights. I made them bail me out of jail in the middle of the night and I still had the audacity to withhold an apology?
Addiction is a disease. I know this NOW. I didn’t know it when I wrote my letter (between bong hits and Natural Ice beer sips, or course). I thought if I promised to stop getting high, I’d be a good kid.
I wasn’t ready to get sober, plain and simple. I wasn’t ready to get sober until I had a habit I couldn’t break. When I made amends to my parents, I had over a year sober. I wasn’t simply saying sorry, that I’d be a better daughter, or that I wanted a relationship with them. I already put these things in motion.
See, in sobriety, I learned that actions speak louder than words. I learned how to stop being the best bull-s**tter ever. I learned how to be an honest and genuine person who really could learn from their past.
Sometimes, you just need to reflect and thank God you’re smarter than you used to be!
