by Sally Rosa | Aug 27, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
13th Step? I Thought There Were Only 12
Ah, the sneaky little 13th Step. The little talked about, but widely known, practice of being a shady motherf**ker. One of the reasons to stay away from clubhouses. The reason for that old saying, men with men and women with women.
At this point, you may be scratching your head and wondering “thirteenth step? I thought there were only twelve-steps?” You’re not alone. Although 13th stepping is as old as AA itself, it isn’t talked about much. So, what is this 13th step?
13th stepping is the practice of someone with sober-time doing the dirty with a newcomer. It’s when someone with multiple years bumps uglys with someone with multiple days. Tired of these lame ass metaphors? Yeah, me too. 13th stepping is when some who knows better f**ks someone who doesn’t know better.
Sounds shady as hell, right? IT IS! Despite being almost as unspiritual as drinking, it’s still fairly common, especially in areas with lots of young, sober people.
Isn’t That Old Behavior?
So, we know what 13th stepping is (you still gagging? Yeah, me too). Now, the million-dollar question, why do people do it?
Why do people who are trying to “practice these principals in all our affairs” engage in such harmful behavior? Why do people, trying to grow in the image and likeness of their own God, prey on newcomers? S**t, I wish I had an easy answer for you.
There are probably a million reasons. First, remember that not everyone in recovery is a saint. A sober horse thief is still a horse thief. To put it another way, a sober predator is still a predator.
Just because someone has time, well, that doesn’t mean they’re working a program. The rooms of recovery are filled with scumbags. They’re also filled with, hands down, the best people on earth. Sadly though, the scumbags are sometimes more prevalent.
Sex feels good and there are always going to be people trying to feel good. There are always going to be people interested only in selfish satisfaction, even if AA attempts to teach us different.
Some people may not think what they’re doing is wrong. My friend’s sponsor is a great guy. He helps a ton of men and has been sober since the 80’s. He does service and makes sure the hand of AA is always available. Still, he hooked up with his wife when he had a year and she had a few days. Did he think he was 13th stepping? Probably not. They’re still together, and sober, so it worked out.
However, most of the time, the story doesn’t end with happily ever after. Most of the time, someone relapses. Usually it’s the newcomer being preyed upon. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, it’s the assh**e taking advantage of the newcomer. I mean, they’re not living by spiritual principals, anyway!
How Do We Stop 13th Stepping?
Again, I wish I had an easy answer for you. Like most harmful things in life, stopping 13th stepping is complicated. It requires education, patience, and some good ideas. Hey, good ideas? I have a few of those!
First, and this is already common practice, newcomers should stick with their own gender. The saying “women with women and men with men” was invented for a reason. In early sobriety, limit the amount of time you spend with members of the opposite sex. It’ll take your focus off God, trust me, I know. So ladies, if a guy approaches you and says he’ll sponsor you – kick him in the nuts and run away! This applies to cute guys, too!
Next, there should be education about 13th stepping. I certainly didn’t know what it was when I came into recovery. Lots of people may know about 13th stepping, but they’re not talking about it. Let’s get a dialogue going! Let’s get people sharing who tried to take advantage of them. That way, newcomers will know to stay away from those people.
Finally, I think clubhouses should have a no-tolerance policy. If someone is a known predator, kick ‘em out! I don’t care if this person has fifty years sober. Like I said above, a sober predator is still a predator!
by Sally Rosa | Jul 28, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
Battling All The Suggestions in Early Sobriety
One of the hardest things that young women trying to get sober experience is following the suggestions given to them in early-sobriety. A lot of women think they don’t need to follow suggestions given to them by their therapists and sponsors. Sadly, the great majority of these women learn later that they were greatly misinformed.
Disagreeing with Suggestions Given In Early-Sobriety
In early-sobriety, when a suggestion is given that you don’t agree with, your decision to follow it (or not follow it!) shows a lot about where you’re at in recovery. In a way, this can be seen as a metaphor for whether or not you’ll be able to stay sober. Yes, you might call your sponsor. Yes, you might be working your steps. But what does it say about you and your recovery when you’re still doing everything your way?
Find out jobs you should avoid in early-recovery
I’ll Lie, Cheat, and Steal When I Want To!
We did everything our way, while we were getting high. We got high when we wanted to get high. We stole money when we needed money. We hurt people when we felt they’d hurt us. Early-recovery is about letting go of your ego. When you believe your way is the best way to do something, and ignore a suggestion, your ego is getting in the way. It takes a lot to admit that you might not know what’s best. When you’re in early-sobriety and someone who has a lot more experience than you, like your therapist, is telling you something, listen. They’re almost always right.
Read about the importance of accountability in early-recovery
An Indication in Early-Sobriety of What’s To Come
I’m going to give you fine gals an example. I present to you Jane Doe. Jane has three months sober. She’s living in a halfway house. The general suggestion surrounding halfway houses is that you should make a six month commitment to live there. Jane decides she want’s to leave though. So, she talks to her therapist about it. Her therapist says, “Jane, don’t be an idiot. Finish your commitment!” Jane moves out the next day.
A healthy person would be able to see that staying another three months isn’t going to hurt them. In fact, it’ll probably be a positive experience. In early-sobriety it’s important not to take risks. When you learn to protect your sobriety, you also learn how to stay sober. People who take risks in early-sobriety usually don’t end up staying sober.
Suggestions Suck
Yeah, sometimes they sucks, but what’s the big deal? The way we shape our program in that first year usually determines how our program is going to look down the road. Why pick up white-chip after white-chip? Once you work a strong program, you can take all the risks you want. The funny thing is when you get to this point taking risks usually doesn’t seem so appealing. Usually you’re happy with where you are and what you’ve accomplished.
by Sally Rosa | Jul 2, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Written By: Katie Schipper
Privacy vs. Secrecy & How They Relate To Honesty
The Importance of Honesty
Honesty, Open Mindedness, and Willingness – if you’re in any sort of twelve-step recovery, you’ll hear about these virtues over and over. All three are vital, but honesty in particular presents many road bumps to the addict or alcoholic.
The most obvious and undeniable fact about addiction is that in order to maintain the lifestyle of a junkie or boozehound, we have to be in a perpetual state of denial. Denial is the ultimate act of lying to ourselves. So, right off the bat, honesty is a virtue that throws some curveballs.
If a woman in early-recovery is willing to be honest, it doesn’t so much matter whether she’s actually honest. As long as her intention is to be honest, she’s on the right track. To put it another way, when she’s first getting sober, the woman in early-recovery is still going to be in enough denial to not even recognize that she’s still lying to herself and others, but if her aim is to practice honesty, then in time, and with help, the practice of honesty will grow and progress. In order to become willing, she must first distinguish the differences between privacy and secrecy.
Read about the importance of accountability
Privacy Or Secrecy – Which One Keeps Us Sick?
With that mouthful about honesty being said, there’s another big concept in recovery we need to look at – the idea that secrets keep us sick. This concept, coupled with the necessity of honesty on the spiritual plane, stirs up a whole debate on secrecy vs. privacy.
For a group of people who’re notoriously secretive, always to our own detriment and demise, what does privacy even mean? In a program that demands “rigorous honesty,” are we expected to share all the details of our private life? How far do we take the spiritual inventory that we do during our fourth and fifth steps?
Read more about the Fourth Step
Being Open to Truth and Honesty
The difference between privacy and secrecy is often subtle and sometimes blurred. The problem of distinguishing the two is that intention plays as much of a role as the actual practice of being honest.
To give an example, imagine a woman in early recovery (or any point in her recovery) who goes to the store and decides to steal lipstick. She may do this for a variety of reasons, but ultimately she knows and understands that stealing is wrong. At this point, she can go two ways. She can keep this secret out of shame. She can hold on to it, believing that in keeping the secret she’s minimizing the act of stealing and therefore doing herself a favor. Or she can, knowing from past experiences that keeping things like this hidden leads to worse shame and secrecy, share what she did with someone. Maybe she’ll tell multiple people. Maybe she’ll bring the lipstick back.
The key lies not in who, or how, she tells, but rather in the fact that she’s willing to achieve truth and honesty over secrecy. By this line of thinking, privacy is how the woman recognizes what she did is wrong, but not shameful, unless it’s left to fester in some corner of her mind. This is the same corner where everything she believes she shouldn’t have done goes to rot.
Secrecy, on the other hand, is the belief that we can do things that are so shameful that we must, at all costs, keep them to ourselves.
When looking at privacy vs. secrecy, we see that privacy is the recognition that we have a right to a personal life, but that there’s no shame in our actions. Privacy is when we’re willing to fully accept who we are, in all areas, without feeling compelled to hide some part of ourself. We might not talk about our battles with depression and anxiety to everyone we meet. Most likely, we aren’t going to broadcast our sex life or relationships everywhere (unless you’re a special breed of Facebook over-sharer!), but knowing that none of this carries any shame allows us to live a private life without the mask of secrecy.
by Fiona Stockard | Jun 16, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
Written By: Katie Schipper
Pets Are A Lot Of Work
Animals, yay! Pets are one of the greatest little joys in this life. They become part of your family and are absolutely worth every vet-bill, clean up, and minor annoyance. Pets are the best.
Pets are also a lot of work. They aren’t just little toys. No, they’re living creatures that require attention, care, and money. Wanting the joy and companionship of a pet is normal, but should you get one fresh out of a treatment center for women? Should you get one right out of your halfway house? What are some factors to consider before you do get a pet?
Waiting For The Right Time
There are a lot of common recovery suggestions that don’t actually come from twelve-step literature. One of the most popular is to stay out of a relationship for your first year sober. Another is to wait the same amount of time to get a pet.
It doesn’t always make sense in the moment. These suggestions only reveal their importance in hindsight. That’s why they’re very often ignored. Our ingrained need to get what we want when we want it makes us stubbornly choose to jump into things. We often do whatever looks good in the moment, with little consideration for what the long-term outcome may be.
Consider getting a hobby before you get a pet!
Things to Consider
First of all, consider what foundations you have in your life. If you’re newly sober, do you have a steady job that allows you to be self-sufficient? If the answer is no, then you can’t afford a pet. If it’s yes, then ask yourself if you have a routine that allows you to focus on the things you need each day. These are things like meetings, working with a sponsor, attending any therapy you might do, going to work, or going to school. If you have a routine, and there’s time in it for a pet, then it becomes a matter of practicality.
We’re capable of doing all the things that so-called normal people do. There’s no reason we shouldn’t have pets that we love and care for. There’s nothing that says we aren’t responsible enough for a pet. In fact, the woman who’s active in recovery is often an example of responsibility!
Are you looking for love and companionship? Learn how one woman found love in sobriety!
At the risk of over-therapizing the issue, it’s worth considering if you’re buying a pet to fill some void, or offer a temporary fix to a bigger problem. The reality with every addict and alcoholic is that we’re spiritually sick. We frequently look to things outside of ourselves for fulfillment. Animals are without defense and it’s unfair to make them yet another victim of our own need to feel better.
Ideally, like with most major life changes, you’ll give yourself ample time to work on you before getting a pet. Remember, there’s no rush! Waiting to make such a large decision makes it that much more beautiful when you do get a pet. That way, you enter pet ownership out of love, not loneliness. You know that you have the means and wherewithal to care for another living creature.
