by Sally Rosa | Jan 6, 2013 | Addiction Treatment, Benefits of Sobriety
I Just Want to Be Normal!
“I just want to be sober and normal, that’s all I want” said Vanessa. She sat across from me while spending the night in a hospital for the ninth time in eighteen months. Throughout our whole conversation, she kept saying “I want to be normal, that’s all.”
What is normal anyway? Is it someone who doesn’t drink? Is it someone who doesn’t drugs? Is it someone that doesn’t live strictly for their own individual gain?
What is Normal Anyway?
I spent my whole life trying to be someone and something I wasn’t. I just wanted to be what everyone else wanted me to be. Well, what I thought they wanted me to be anyway.
“I just want to be normal” is a powerful sentence. Vanessa kept repeating it, again and again, while I looked at her with love and compassion. All the damage she caused the night before? It didn’t matter. All the people she had hurt? They didn’t matter. All that mattered was a woman with her head in her hands, repeating over and over how all she wanted was “to be normal.”
I knew what she meant, even if she didn’t. Vanessa wanted to live a life without insanity. She meant she’d give anything to feel better, to feel happy.
Recovery is Possible!
Most addicts don’t give themselves a chance to be normal. They keep hitting their head against the wall, over and over, until they simply give up. The funny thing is that after they give up, that’s when they have a shot at recovery.
I know that happiness and sobriety are within reach of everyone. There’s no one too smart, too dumb, too old, too angry, too sad, or too beaten to get sober. It’s there for anyone willing to do the work. That’s the catch though, there’s work involved. Recovery, faith in God, and sobriety are full time jobs.
For me, life isn’t about being “normal.” I still have no clue what normal even me. What I do know is that I can live a sober life. I can be happy, joyous, and FREE. I thank God for that every night, because, a few years ago, I sat in the chair Vanessa’s currently sitting in.
I want everyone to know that recovery IS possible. I want everyone who’s felt that bottom of your stomach hopelessness to know they can recovery. You just need to stop wanting and start doing. I’ll end with the most profound saying I’ve ever heard –
Recovery isn’t for those who need it and it isn’t for those who want it. Recovery is for those who do it!
by Fiona Stockard | Dec 21, 2012 | Addiction Treatment, Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
How to Stay Sober During the Holidays
Holidays and I Don’t Mix!
The holidays were always a strange time for me. This was the time of year to be happy, to be content, to spend quality time with the people I love. However, even before active addiction, I was so far from the realm of happiness that “joy” was a foreign word. I loved my family, but had no idea how to show it.
Once I began using, things quickly spun out of control. During the first holiday season of my active addiction, I burned down our Christmas tree! That might sound like a joke, but I promise, it’s depressingly true. Let’s just say that smoking weed around flammable pine needles isn’t a good idea.
A few years into my addiction and everything was a mess. My family wouldn’t let me stay at their house during the holidays (or anytime else, for that matter), or I wouldn’t even be invited.
I was as hopeless an addict as they come. If, by some miracle, I was invited home for Christmas, I’d leave a mess in my wake. I’d come in, take what I wanted, and leave. I’d get drunk off my family’s top shelf booze and create havoc.
The Beginning of the End
The final Christmas of my active addiction was particularly rough. I stole my parents car, crashed it, and got arrested. My poor parents! They had to bail me out of jail, again. I’d sworn to them, only a few months earlier, that they’d never EVER have to bail me out again.
You know when you’re little and someone says they’re disappointed with you? You know how that’s worse than hearing they’re mad at you? Well, that Christmas I got something to the effect of “you ruined the holidays AGAIN. You’re destroying the family and you don’t even care!” Ouch, right? Here I am, the holiday-cheer destroyer, running wild, killing moments of happiness with my addiction.
How to Stay Sober During the Holidays
A few months after that disastrous Christmas, I went to my first treatment center. I got help for my addiction and began to make my way into sobriety. I relapsed, but I’d been introduced to the rooms of recovery, and I had hope.
The past few Christmases have been just a LITTLE bit different. I’m able to be peaceful and happy. I’m surrounded by so many people I love and so many people that love me. I get to be grateful. I knew when I got sober that I wanted to stop drinking and using. What I got, though, was a life beyond my wildest dreams.
So, the million dollar question, how can you stay sober during the holidays? It’s incredibly simple. The best way to stay sober during the holidays is to have recovered from addiction! Simple, right? I promise, it is.
Get a sponsor and work the twelve-steps. Accept you’re an addict and alcoholic. Find out what your character defects are. Clean up the mess you leave in your wake. Continue to seek spiritual growth on a daily basis. If you do those things, you’ll stay sober during the holidays.
If you’re struggling with active addiction, or with that strange time known as the holidays, hang in there! If your family doesn’t welcome you back with open arms, wait for it. These things come in time. These things come after doing some work. The holidays are filled with love and gratitude. Guess what? So is sobriety!
by A Women in Sobriety | Dec 21, 2012 | Addiction Treatment, Benefits of Sobriety
Written By:
Fiona Stockard
Looks are Deceiving
Some people are born lucky. They come from decent homes. They have decent looks. They have decent personalities. Hell, maybe they even have a trust fund or two. These are the lucky ones, right?
Everything on the outside seems perfect. Inside though, well, it’s usually a different story. What I’m trying to say is that looks are deceiving.
Addicts = Actors
The same can be said for addicts and alcoholics. If I do say so myself, and I do, we’re the worlds best actors. We lie, cheat, and steal our way into whatever we want. I have a Ph.D in arguing, screaming, crying, and manipulating.
I remember being a kid and not getting what I wanted. What did I do? Accept the situation? Hell no! I kicked, screamed, and generally threw a tantrum until that shiny new toy was in my hands!
If I got in trouble, well, I’d find some way to sneak out of the consequences. On paper I was fine. I did well in school. I did well at work. I was a social butterfly as soon as I hit middle school. From the outside, it looked like I was heading in the right direction. However, that wasn’t the case at all.
On the inside I was a wreck. Am I going to give you the same old sob story? “Oh, I’ve always felt like a piece of crap! There’s so much agony in my heart!” Nope. That wasn’t always the case. For awhile I felt part of life. I felt fine. Once drugs and alcohol became my crutch, my only outlet for dealing with emotions, I became two people. I lost myself. There was the real Fiona, the inside Fiona, the train wreck Fiona. Then there was the fake Fiona, the outside Fiona, the perfect woman.
Blessings of Sobriety
Sobriety’s given me more blessings than I can count. Look, life’s not always perfect, but it’s a million times better than it was. One of the most meaningful blessings, probably the MOST meaningful, is my ability to be one person. Through sobriety, I’ve been able to combine the inside Fiona and the outside Fiona.
I’ve upgraded, if you will. I’ve found out who I really am. Sobriety’s been a crazy journey. A journey filled with beautiful, inspiring, heartwarming “ups,” and dark, painful, devastating “downs.” Still, nothing’s ever been worth more than my recovery. Nothing.
Nothing’s connected me more to a desire for life, to a passion, to a soul, than my sobriety. Yeah, some people are born lucky. But me? I’ve been granted a beautiful blessing.
by A Women in Sobriety | Dec 21, 2012 | Addiction Treatment, Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
Fake It ‘Till You Make It
“Fake it ’till you make it” is one of the many slogans I heard early on in AA. I thought most of the slogans were stupid, but this one, I could never really wrap my head around it.
Fake…what, ’till I make…what? Fake my smile? Fake my laugh? Fake my sobriety?
Now that’s an interesting take on a commonly used slogan! I began to fake my sobriety, I began to wear a mask.
Fake Sobriety
I was told early on that action precedes thought. That if I take an action, my thoughts would change too.
So, I took the first action and many more after that. I went to meetings. I raised my hand to speak. I shared my experience, strength, and hope (I know now I was only sharing my craziness!). I talked to new girls. I really did “act as if.”
I got high on some weekends, plain and simple. I didn’t use every weekend. By this point, most of my friends were sober. The guy I was dating was sober. I couldn’t afford to use every weekend, but now-and-again, I’d sneak off and get loaded.
I prayed. I wasn’t honest with myself though, so there was no way I was honest with God.
I became the queen of recovery! Everyone thought I was doing so well. Hell, that’s all that matters anyway, right? My parents were off my back. My legal issues had all been resolved. I had a “great” life. I literally faked it and made it. I found the loophole!
Well, as soon as I thought I found that loophole, I started to get sloppy. I couldn’t control my hidden use anymore. It wasn’t every third weekend anymore. It was everyday. The mental, emotional, and spiritual torture was too much. I stopped going out. I stayed home, hiding from friends. I watched the entire series of LOST (which I still don’t get!) and it was a pretty great metaphor for my life. I was lost!
I basically lost everything all over again, except for my job. I couldn’t lose my job, it was the only way I was supporting my expensive as hell drug habit. To put it another way, I let the s**t hit the fan. Finally, I reached out for help.
Let’s be honest here. I didn’t reach out for help, I was caught. My boyfriend finally noticed that when I went out, I came home with tiny pupils. He found the bottle of gin under my bed (yeah, I still wonder what he was doing under there too). I came clean. I let it all out. I admitted I had been faking it, I was never truly sober.
Here’s the deal, I wanted to be sober. When I was high, I messed everything up. I spent a ton of money. I became a lone wolf. The people that loved me got hurt. Those things all suck. BUT, did I want to be sober because I couldn’t imagine never drinking another beer? Because I couldn’t imagine snorting another pill? At this point, nope.
Real Sobriety!
I finally got a sponsor and came clean about what was going on in my life. I still fight this battle everyday though. I have 100% faith that AA works. I’ve seen it work in hundreds of people. I’ve seen the change and growth occur in my friends and even some family members.
Still, I’m “faking it ’till I make it.” This time though, I’m being honest. I’m staying sober in spit of myself. I know the truth, my best thinking isn’t the best at all.
I have no idea what’s going to happen. I have no idea if all of a sudden a lightbulb will go off and I’ll truly have made it. Maybe I’ll always be faking it. I just know that today my life is good. I smile. For the first time in my life, I’m honest. That’s all I have and for today, that’s more than enough!
