Aug 16, 2017 | Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
I Found HEAVEN in the Smoke of a Blue Pill
Kate and I looked at each other and smiled, as we both knew we were getting into that drug dealers car. He was right. I had dabbled in the club scene drugs, tried crack cocaine but nothing and I mean nothing was like what those tiny blue pills did for me after I learned to smoke them. I was in heaven. I found my soul mate. I found the thing that stopped the pain, the anxiety and the reason to hurry. It was the solution to my fears. I found my entire everything in a piece of aluminum foil, a bic pen and a pill marked A215.
The next few months revolved around doing Roxicodone’s. Every single decision I made revolved around when I would get my hands on more pills and tin foil. I am 17 years old now and finishing up my senior year of high school. I had good grades so I was enrolled in a program that allowed me to do half days in high school and take college courses senior year at the local community college. For most teenagers, this was a set up for their future.
This meant they would save time and money in college by getting classes done early. What did this mean for me? Well I could tell all my drug dealer friends I was 18 years old and in college living on my own. I started to take on an entirely different persona. I would pretend I was asleep in the morning when I was taking my high school classes and then go and meet up with them in the afternoon.
This was when the serious trouble began. The interesting thing about using drugs is you start to develop this invincible mentality. This idea that you will never be caught, nothing bad will happen and that life could not get any better than this.
That is not what happened. Since I was hanging out with drug dealers on the bad side of town we started to get noticed by the police a lot. You might be thinking, “Wow! A 17-year-old being watched the police I am sure that would help them change their behaviors!” False.
Well sort of false. It did help me change by behaviors but instead of well, stopping going to the drug dealers house all together we decided to wrap the windows in tin foil and get high on the floor in case the police could see into the house.
I started to be more careful of transporting drugs on me in the car. I would wrap them up in a cigarette case and I would leave them in next to the gas tank on the side of my car in case I was getting pulled over. I started to realize it was not a matter of if I would get caught but when I would get caught.
My First Raid
One Friday night around 10:00 PM my little circle of friends and I were getting high in one of our friend’s apartments. We could get high there even though the man had a toddler running around. Suddenly, we were alerted that the cops were outside and jumped off the couch and ran to the bathroom to attempt to flush and hide our drugs. While we were in the bathroom the door was kicked open from a police man with his gun drawn and pointed it at my scared little face. “GET DOWN ON THE GROUND” he screamed as panic set in. I of course did as the police asked. As more and more police poured into the apartment, the officer with the gun pointed at my 17-year-old head, we shall call him Bob for the sake of the story, Officer Bob instructed us to leave the bathroom and make it over to the couch.
As we sat on the couch Captain Bob started asking us a ton of questions about what we were doing here, did we know what was going on, were we using drugs? Of course, not we explained. We were good kids. It was then Bob said to us very calmly “look down – what is that right next to you.”
Nothing in me wanted to look down at what was next to me. I was hoping that it was Sketchy the black kitty snuggled on the couch that the officer was referring to. So, we looked down and of course next to us was a pile of marijuana and cocaine.
After a few minutes, we noticed that everyone except Kate and I were handcuffed and outside. Apparently, they attempted to run away while we were flushing the goodies. Officer Bob did us a solid that day. He gave us 5 minutes to get a parent over here or we would be leaving in the squad car with our friends. Kate’s parents were there in a blink of an eye, screamed at us in front of the cops and piled us in the car. I was grounded for I think ever after that by my parents. Our friends that were handcuffed outside were booked and charged with crimes and had to finish senior year on probation. I believe that toddler was taken by social services after that day. I dodged a bullet.
Can’t Stop Won’t Stop
I had to stop. I had to wake up before I ruin everything. I was going to change for my parents, my future and my well-being!
Just kidding! That is not what happened.
What happened? I continued doing what I was doing. I was hanging out with people 10 years old than me, stealing from every Walmart and Home Depot in the county to return the items for gift cards, using every single day every few hours just to function.
I became full on addicted to drugs. I did not know it yet as I had no reason really to stop. I was getting into trouble with the law, I was losing motivation for high school and college and my parents did not trust one word out of my mouth.
I remember Prom night 2007. I went to Prom even though all my close friends were either kicked out of school for drug use or for some other reason. I went and had a decent time. All night I was texting my friend about getting high. So, after Prom my friends and I met up at some real upscale budget inn type of place and got high all night.
Hide the Evidence
The reason I mention story is for no other reason of what happened the next day. My friend went home and her older sister looked at her phone when she was in the shower. She saw the proof of what we were doing. We were so stupid back then we even had pictures of us doing cocaine and smoking pills. The next day she called me and said she wanted to speak to my parents. I said they were not home. She called the house phone every hour that day. I even unplugged the house phone and deleted her number off the caller ID and deleted the voice mails.
The funny thing is all they had to do was come over. Did not see that coming. So, my friend’s sister, aunt and mother showed up at my house the day after my senior Prom and came in and to speak to my parents. As we sat in the kitchen around the table they told my parents everything. They brought the proof of text messages and pictures and tried to do what I can only imagine was an intervention. Being caught in a tough situation I did what I knew best… lied. I blamed everything on my friend’s older boyfriend. He was pushing the drugs on us and all the texts were about marijuana I proclaimed not the pills! Everything was his fault. Somehow, I escaped disaster again. My friend did not talk to me for a long time after that for blaming her boyfriend. He was 10 years our senior and now her family believed he was a drug dealer. I was advised by my parent’s again to “stay away from people like that” and that was it. My friend stayed with that man for another few years until she later got sober. Her getting sober showed me is was possible. He died of a drug overdose a few years later. I never got to apologize for what I did to him.
Fast forward to St. Patrick’s Day 2007. I am 17 years old and my 18th birthday is right around the corner. This day is Christmas for us drinkers. Time to celebrate and celebrate I did. When I look back this day it was like my own version of Hangover 2 the movie.
Ready to Party
I had all the essentials! I had ecstasy, marijuana, Roxicodone and Xanax to help sleep off the ecstasy of course. We had fake Ids and a car and were off to a Rave. A rave is a big party for people on ecstasy that has a lot of lights and areas for people to touch each other which pretty much means it is heaven on earth.
Okay. Friends? Check. Drugs? Check. Rave? Check. Party time. So, party happened and around 2 AM I decide it is time to go. Frankly I am over the party scene and just wanted to go somewhere I can get high on opiates. So, I leave and drive to go pick my friends up who believe I am this 18-year-old college student and we drive down to the trailer park to pick up more pills and get high.
Flashing Blues
I am driving down a 2-lane road towards the trailer park when suddenly it happened. Blue and red flashing lights. Shit. I pull over and the cop comes over to the vehicle. I must have been speeding or he was just wondering what this group of kids in this part of town were doing at 3 AM. He asked me if I knew why he pulled me over. “No Sir” I replied. “Well you made your car serve off the road back there.” I had no idea what he was talking about I did not notice anything like that.
Then the trouble began. “Can I have your license and registration” he said with a pretty harsh tone. So, I handed him my wallet as I opened the glove box. “Just the license Mam not the wallet.” “Opps! Of course,” So I handed him my license while I kept searching for the registration. “Eh Mam this is your library card not your driver’s license. Can you please shut the car off?”
Okay first off who hands a police officer their library card. This is not going well.
“Are there any drugs in the vehicle?” Okay I used to watch a lot of the TV show cops. I can say No. I got this.
“No Sir there is not!” I respond to the cop who has now called backup. “Great you won’t mind while I search the vehicle because it smells like marijuana.” We all exit the vehicle. Everyone is freaking out and not saying a word. Keep in mind I just took more ecstasy than I can remember like 2 hours ago. The officer looks at me right in the eyes and says if you get honest I will do what I can to help you. I declined his offer of help as clearly, I am smarter than this guy.
As the cops start searching the vehicle I realize that all my drugs are in my purse. He can’t just search my purse without my consent. I know this again from watching realty television.
30 seconds later out comes the purse on placed on my trunk. Shit. “Um Sir there are drugs in my purse. Marijuana and a bowl used to smoke it.” “He says okay thank you for being honest please turn around.” He handcuffs me and brings me over to the back of the squad car. The messed-up things is I am so high at this point that I actually really enjoy watching the red and blue lights. How crazy is that? As I sit in the back of the squad car I see him talking to the other passengers standing outside my death trap of a vehicle and I saw it happen. I saw him tell them my age and I watched the look on all their faces when they realized that everything out of my mouth the last 6 months had been a lie. Every day I was leading a double life and these were my “best friends.”
As I sat in the squad car handcuffed in the back, watching the blue and red flashing lights dance away off the reflection of my vehicle it hit me. I had narcotic drugs in the car too. I forgot I had the Xanax and Roxicodone in my purse.
As the cop inched back toward the vehicle I explained to him the other items he would be finding and exactly where they were located. I also advised that they were all mine and the passengers had no idea. He thanked me for being honest and shut the door. He let everyone go. They walked off down the dark street together towards the trailer park while I sat and waited for my fate.
“Okay I appreciate your honesty. We have two choices here. Option one, I take you to jail right now and impound your vehicle. Option two, you can call your parents to come and pick you up and you will be notified for a court date.” Now to a normal person this might seem like a very easy decision. Call your parents crazy!
I sat there for several minutes before deciding to call my parents. I can remember everything about that call. I remember calling and waking my father up in the middle of the night and telling him I needed him to get me or I would be arrested and the pain in his voice. When my parents pulled up in one vehicle they spoke to the cops for a while as I sat handcuffed on the curb. It was still cold outside for that time of year. The police explained what would happen and then my father looked at me and the worst words ever uttered, “Ride with your mother.” As I sat in the car my mom’s anger was so intense I could feel it in my bones.
When it was my turn to explain, myself I did what anyone would do. I lied. I told her all that stuff was not mine and I had only been smoking some weed. I had to cover up the truth. I could not lose my little blue soulmate. I would do whatever I could to hide that relationship. When we got home she pulled out a 12-panel cup and said pee. I respectfully declined that offer. 12 panels?! You know how many things would come up on that darn cup? A lot. No chance I was peeing. I would rather her be mad at me for not lighting that thing up like a Christmas tree than letting her know how many drugs I was on.
Cell phone, television, car keys everything gone. She looked at me and said you are so lucky you are not 18 because you would be in jail right now. She was right. I was lucky. I did not think I was lucky all I could think about was how come I did not just eat those pills when I was getting pulled over? Those thoughts crossed my mind when I was getting pulled over, but I really wanted to smoke them so I figured why waste them?
That is what kept me up that night. How come I did not just eat those pills?
Jul 19, 2017 | Blog, Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women
It took me 9 years to graduate college. I attended 9 rehabs and 3 colleges. I have a bachelors degree in music business, I write TV commercials for a living, have been sober 3.5 years and I completed all 12 steps. My college graduation party was attended by myself, and a bar tender. The cocaine, alcohol and weed were funded by money I swindled out of an inheritance my grandfather left me when he died. I messed up the college experience, then fixed it, messed it up again, scooted to the finish line and I’m still around to reflect on every moment. So, Yeah, I am very qualified to give you 10 tips on how to succeed in college.
10. Don’t take your self too seriously
Guess what, if your not going to be a doctor or a lawyer or really good scientist or something, it doesn’t matter how good your grades are. It’s true! Don’t get so stressed out! It’s not a big deal. Do your best, but at the same time don’t become one of those kids who base their entire self worth upon a letter grade. During a job interview they do not ask what your GPA was, most don’t care, they care about whether or not you have a degree and if you can do the job. Period. So do not let your self get so damn stressed out that you turn to drugs or an eating disorder to calm the storm of your own heightened expectations. Chill out, it’s only college!
9. Use a condom
This is non-negotiable. Ok, you don’t have to “wear” one but you better make sure that Jimmy has a condom on his Jimmy. You will have plenty of time for unprotected sex in the future, but this is not that time. Try making it to class with baby Bjorn strapped around you neck. What is a baby Bjorn? I have no idea, but I know I don’t want one hanging from me while I’m getting ready for a tailgate party or when I’m pedaling my butt off trying to get to my chemistry mid-term.
8. Get a Hobby
You’re gonna need something to distract you from the boring stress of school. Here are the hobbies I chose, drinking, snorting ritalin, snorting cocaine, eating mushrooms, smoking pot, drinking mushroom tea, drinking some more, having sex and smoking pot. Chose something different. Join an intramural sport, act in a play, go running, hiking, start your own video game league! You’ll meet friends, you’ll have fun and you’ll be waaay more motivated to study hard. Endorphins that are release through laughter and exercise are far more constructive to concentration and work ethic than the false emotions and feeling associated with chemicals.
7. Get a part time job
The number one thing every college kid complains of is money. They have none. But you, part time job college kid have money from your 20 hours at black jack pizza making you…the campus millionaire. This alleviates stress, creates a sense of purpose, provides structure and is another area of learning. The student who works during school WILL BE miles ahead of all the others who are to lazy to fend for them selves.
6. Call your Mom and Dad once a week
Not once a day, or once a month, once a week. This will make them feel better. This will make them feel like there money is being well spent. Parents get nervous, mine did all 9 years. First of all it’s respectful, they raised you, gave you life. The least you could do is let them know you haven’t been shot. Also it will help ground you. It will help bring things back in to perspective. Also parents have been there before. You might think you get great advice from Bubba the pothead, but trust me parents know what they are talking about.
5. Don’t Dink and Drive
If you drive drunk you will get caught. You may kill someone. It is much harder to get good grades in cellblock B than it is to get good grades sharing a dorm room with a girl who doesn’t shower. Also that fancy degree will be much harder to pay off when you can’t get a job because you have a felony on your record. One more little unknown tip, you can get a ticket for Biking while intoxicated, yes mountain biking while drunk. You can also get one for riding a razor scooter and roller blading while smashed trust me I got my BUI, SUI and ROI in the same month.
4. Go to class everyday
97.45% of students who go to class everyday finish school in four years. Yes I made that up, but it’s true that if you commit to never missing a class it will be pretty damn hard to fail. Plus it will prepare you for the daily grind of a real job. Also, say you get in a jam and you need some extra time on a paper or you need a few extra points, the teacher who sees you everyday is the teacher who will help you out.
3. Do not do any drugs.
Don’t do it, don’t think about it. Don’t take Ritalin; ADD is a fake disease that smart phones cured back in 2005. Do not do coke, take pills, LSD..no… nothing. Drugs can turn the kid who has zero history of addiction in to a full-blown addict. Drugs change your body, your brain and your life. Listen I’ve tried ‘em all so I’m not some born again preacher talking about stuff I haven’t done. I did them and I can tell you that you should not. There is absolutely nothing to be gained form doing hard drugs. Not one moment, or one friend or one feeling is worth it.
2. Don’t move in with the person you’re banging.
If you follow tip number 9 this shouldn’t be a problem. Ok, you may love him but you can move in with him the day you graduate but not a minute before. This only causes problems. You’ll be unfocused; you’ll have no alone time and your chances of getting her pregnant drastically increase. Condoms can break and so can your resolve to use them all the time. You are not at college to get married. You are at college to get a degree, have fun and get out. I moved in with a guy, I hated him. You will too. This goes back to tip number 10. All I’m saying is spend this time educating your self on what type of person you want to be with. Get to know people. Talk to them, laugh with them, be yourself. Moving in with the person your banging takes you entire college experience and reduces it to a trivial, self-defeating bad soap opera.
1. Don’t drink period.
May 31, 2017 | 12 Steps, Addiction Articles, Blog, Recovery, Sobriety For Women
Date a Drug Addict?
Ok so, here’s the deal, I’m not gonna sugar coat this, or blow smoke up your tits for 20 minutes I’m just gonna get right to the answer. Date a recovering alcoholic, or drug addict. “But Fiona, what if they relapse?”
Shut up.
The core of this whole issue of should I date a recovering alcoholic or a normal guy is the word normal. No one, not one soul is normal and the one you think is normal is most likely the craziest cat in the alley. Nobody is normal, we all have our issues and that is why you should date some one in recovery, because you already know their issues. They have a problem with drugs and alcohol. Do they have other issues? You bet your little judgmental ass they do, but the cool thing is they will tell you what those issues are. People in recovery love to talk about how fucked up they are, it helps them stay sober and it helps others stay sober as well. So date number one rolls around and you pretty much know what to look out for.
Working on Issues
Also the cool thing is that you know they are working on these issues and that they use them to fuel recovery, It’s not like they say, “You know, when I drink I like to put goldfish up my butt and eat sour patch kids and I have no plans on quitting that game anytime soon.” Instead they say, “When I used to drink I’d put goldfish up my butt and eat sour patch kids, I’m very ashamed of it but if someone can relate to it or if my story helps them in any way then it was worth it.” Now that’s how you explain doing stupid shit when you were wasted.
Becoming a Better Person
The other cool thing about dating a recovering alcoholic or a recovering druggie is that everyday the are working on becoming a better person. You are on the ground floor of what could be one of the greatest dudes in the history of the world ever! People who truly are in recovery get better and better everyday, now, so called normal people, the don’t do that. Normal people, you know what I hate that, lets call them Robots. Robots sit in their cubicles or corner offices talking about their material possessions or the stock market or last night’s game or the PTA meeting and it repeats for years and years. Never do they really help people, never do they really open up. They don’t get better, Robots only get worse.
Dating Robots
Robots can live their entire lives seeming to be a normal robot, “Oh Pastor Mark, he is such a kind a companionate robot.” Bullshit, Pastor Mark has been banging the pool boy for 10 years, smoking meth behind the waffle house and in his spare time he tells you all bible stories from the alter. Oh and one more thing, Pastor make is the one who puts goldfish up his butt and eats sour patch kids and has no plans of stopping.
Robots are always going to be robots, they hide there faults, live in secret and present fake lives to the world.
Recovering alcoholics admit their faults, face them, fix them and strive to make themselves and the world a better place.
So who do you want to date, a person in recovery or a robot?
If you choose the person in recovery, I wish you nothing but the best.
If you choose the Robot, I’ll buy you some sour patch kids.
Jan 12, 2017 | Blog, Addiction Articles, Sobriety For Women, Stories from Women in Sobriety
Submitted by Anonymous
I am a 57-year-old that actually worried I wouldn’t see 40 or wouldn’t be here to see my daughters grow up. I actually thought if I can just survive until Cass is 18 that will be ok, she can then look after Lucy who is 4 years younger.
I grew up in a pub, my Mother was a big drinker, Father not so much as you would notice and my teens years just hold memories of my Mother being drunk, only now and again…but enough for me to live in dread.
I always drank, from being a teenager I was the one who drank as much as the boys. I could always hold my drink but still carried on steadily drinking once I was married and then when I became a Mother. I didn’t drink during pregnancy because Mother Nature kicked in and took over there, making me ill.
A Visible Progression
My drinking gradually went to about 2 bottles of wine a night so still manageable. My Husband had an accident in 2000 and it changed a lot between us (he was in recovery) we stayed together but I met another man at work and boy, did he like a drink !!We got on famously and cutting a long story short we got married in 2010 and spent all out time drinking…. not sure how we held our jobs down. I previously had never drank during the day but by now, it was normal.
My two daughters were pretty horrified by our behavior and they managed to carry on with their own live because by now they were living with Sober Dad.
I had liver tests and was told by numerous Doctors to stop drinking, I lasted a month, sometimes 2 but any excuse started me back on the wine…oh, were going on holiday, oh my Dad has died.
Withering Away
Cutting to the end of this then, I had full blown ascites (swollen, fluid filled abdomen) and was almost skeletal as I just didn’t eat. We went on holiday with my Husband and his Sister/Brother in law and I had two drinks in the pub at lunchtime, then we went back to the cottage and I started vomiting blood profusely. This went on for hours as I wouldn’t let them call an ambulance and they were too far gone to be over worried. Finally, an ambulance took me to hospital at 2 in the morning and I was eventually taken into surgery to have all my bleeding veins tied up. By this time, I was bleeding from every orifice, ears, nose, eyes, back passage and was in total agony. The specialist came and told me that there was nothing more they could do and I would probably not survive another few hours. My entire family were summoned and my two daughters sat weeping at my bedside as I apologized to them for my drinking and sobbed as I knew I would never see them get married or have children of their own.
I was still here the following day and every day I had blood transfusions and more drips and fluids than you could imagine. I had 30 liters of fluid drained from my abdomen and continued to pass blood for weeks.
A Medical Medical
That was 4 years ago and I am now fit as a fiddle (nearly) weight about 3 stone more and have obviously never had a drink since nor a cigarette. I am on lifelong medication and the Doctors say they cannot believe that I lived
.
My Daughters are extremely proud of me now and I can only say that even though I knew my drinking was bad and not like other normal peoples, I never, ever thought that anything like that would happen to me. I have never really spoken in any detail about it much and people in my current job don’t even know that I don’t drink…. still too afraid of the stigma.
Jan 5, 2017 | Sobriety For Women, Addiction Articles, Blog, Stories from Women in Sobriety
Submitted By Pam R
Desperately Keeping My Struggles Hidden
If you’d met me in 2003, you may have described me as an energetic, talented, mother of three beautiful daughters and wife of an excellent man. I was working as development director for the YMCA, was an accomplished member of the local running community, and was well respected as a mom, a professional, and an athlete. In truth, I was anxious, arrogant and fearful, self-medicating with alcohol, trying desperately to keep my struggles hidden. As my alcoholism slowly took control of my life, I began spiraling out of control. Ultimately, I received three DUIs within 18 months.
Planting Seeds in Jail
Desperate, empty and defeated, I finally entered treatment on April 17, 2006 – and took my first steps into sobriety. The foundation of recovery that saved my life was not built without extreme difficulty; I still faced the consequences of my DUI convictions, which included a three-month jail sentence. My program of recovery and my renewed faith sustained me, and even grew me, through that experience. When I walked out of that jail on Dec. 31, 2006, the seeds had been planted that would ultimately grow into my desire to help those fighting battles similar to mine, and to show them there is hope, there is redemption, and there is recovery.
Helping Others Every Day
Today, I serve as the Director of THP RUNS, an initiative of former NBA basketball player Chris Herren’s foundation, The Herren Project (THP). THP RUNS engages people to run, walk, and participate in healthy activities, helping each other, and others, live stronger, healthier lives. The initiative raises awareness and funding for THP’s mission, which includes providing addiction recovery resources, education and prevention initiatives across the country. I’ve relished the opportunity to run more than 65 marathons and ultra-marathons over the past 8 years, including participating in the Icebreaker Run, running across the country with 5 others to raise awareness for mental health issues and resources.
Ask and You Shall Receive
Without asking for help and finding my own recovery, none of my running success, let alone my personal or professional wellbeing, would be possible. The fact that I can work and run at all now, let alone do it while raising awareness and funding for recovery resources, is an outrageous, gift to me. Whether I’m sobbing or celebrating, my mantra is, “It is well with my soul.”
