It Is Well with My Soul

by A Women in Sobriety | Jan 5, 2017 | Sobriety For Women, Addiction Articles, Blog, Stories from Women in Sobriety

Submitted By Pam R

Desperately Keeping My Struggles Hidden

If you’d met me in 2003, you may have described me as an energetic, talented, mother of three beautiful daughters and wife of an excellent man. I was working as development director for the YMCA, was an accomplished member of the local running community, and was well respected as a mom, a professional, and an athlete. In truth, I was anxious, arrogant and fearful, self-medicating with alcohol, trying desperately to keep my struggles hidden. As my alcoholism slowly took control of my life, I began spiraling out of control. Ultimately, I received three DUIs within 18 months.

Planting Seeds in Jail

Desperate, empty and defeated, I finally entered treatment on April 17, 2006 – and took my first steps into sobriety. The foundation of recovery that saved my life was not built without extreme difficulty; I still faced the consequences of my DUI convictions, which included a three-month jail sentence. My program of recovery and my renewed faith sustained me, and even grew me, through that experience. When I walked out of that jail on Dec. 31, 2006, the seeds had been planted that would ultimately grow into my desire to help those fighting battles similar to mine, and to show them there is hope, there is redemption, and there is recovery.

Helping Others Every Day

Today, I serve as the Director of THP RUNS, an initiative of former NBA basketball player Chris Herren’s foundation, The Herren Project (THP). THP RUNS engages people to run, walk, and participate in healthy activities, helping each other, and others, live stronger, healthier lives. The initiative raises awareness and funding for THP’s mission, which includes providing addiction recovery resources, education and prevention initiatives across the country. I’ve relished the opportunity to run more than 65 marathons and ultra-marathons over the past 8 years, including participating in the Icebreaker Run, running across the country with 5 others to raise awareness for mental health issues and resources.

Ask and You Shall Receive

Without asking for help and finding my own recovery, none of my running success, let alone my personal or professional wellbeing, would be possible. The fact that I can work and run at all now, let alone do it while raising awareness and funding for recovery resources, is an outrageous, gift to me. Whether I’m sobbing or celebrating, my mantra is, “It is well with my soul.”

Sober At 28 Was Not My Life Plan

by A Women in Sobriety | Dec 30, 2016 | Sobriety For Women, Addiction Articles, Blog, Stories from Women in Sobriety

Story Submitted By Katie

A Cure for Insecurity

As a child, I remember a giant hole in me that I could never seem to fill. I wanted to be anyone else but me, so when I idolized Disney princess, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and later on Britney Spears, I thought I could try to fit in. I grew up in a chaotic house, my parents divorcing when I was 15 and having to go to therapist all of my teenage years. Alcoholism and drug addiction strong on both sides of the family but I took my first drink with my brother at 15 and it was magical.

All of my doubts, insecurities and fears subsided. It wasn’t long before I got my friends drinking on weekends, at football games and before school dances. College years were just as fun and I partied as hard as I studied. I was the girl who made sure I had more alcohol left when everyone else in the party ran out. I stole your alcohol and I didn’t care, the night didn’t end until the booze were Gone or I passed out with the spins.

A study came out that said I was a “binge drinker” so I went with that. After college shots got too messy, hard alcohol meant blackouts and I woke up to messages about things I did the night before. My friends thought it was hilarious so I brushed it off.

My Drinking Got Worse

Living on my own in Boston, my drinking got worse, more blackouts, more shameful nights and more apologizing. Bruises I couldn’t remember, cuts and falling down all the time. Then I got an OUI and ended up in the hospital with a concussion.

Even though I hated myself and thought it made me a horrible person I didn’t think much of it until my therapist told me that I should try having “one drink”. For months I couldn’t and I’d lie. I lost my phone twice, credit card too many times to recall and my dignity even more. Concussion #2 only 3 months later, on a long day/night of drinking left me without a job, without an internship and hopeless.

The Wisdom of Two Old Men

At this point I’m drinking almost every day and my therapist wants me to go to an AA meeting. A friend reaches out and takes me and I hear what I needed to hear from 2 old men in a church basement. My life is unmanageable because of alcohol and I can’t stop drinking.

It took me almost a month of meetings to finally stop drinking. Much to my surprise girls would call and check on me and they really wanted to know how I was doing. Getting sober was hell. I thought about alcohol all the time and wanted the suffering to end.

I got a sponsor, a home group, found a higher power and did the steps in 6 months.

The Obession has Been Removed

I am 8 months sober today and the mental obsession and physical compulsion is removed as long as I work my program. I thank my higher power every day that I am alive and grateful to be sober. At 28 years old I thought it was the end of the world, my identity for 13 years was stolen from me.

I am living proof it is not the end of the world. Sobriety is amazing and the 12 steps got me sober. I thought I was hopeless and would never have what other people have. That’s not true for me and it’s not for any woman out there struggling. You can do it too!! Just dive into the program and don’t stop. You will be amazed!

Descendant of Addiction

by A Women in Sobriety | Dec 15, 2016 | Sobriety For Women, Addiction Articles, Blog, Stories from Women in Sobriety

Candace Bighead

My story begins before I was even born.

My grandparents on both my biological parent’s sides have a history of substance abuse. Both of my parents have struggled with addiction their entire lives. I have 10 biological siblings and at least 8 of those siblings struggle with addiction. My mom was and still is a chronic alcoholic and made the choice to drink while she was pregnant with me. I was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and I have birth defects including a complex heart condition and a predisposition to addiction. As a baby I was removed from my substance abusing family and put in a foster family. This family would raise me into a proper young Christian woman. I had everything I wanted; a beautiful home with loving parents, two amazing older brothers, many pets and many good friends. So what happened? How did alcohol seep into my life? First I underwent major open heart surgery. After which I was bullied about my surgery scar and recent weight gain and that shattered my confidence. Next fate decided to reintroduce my biological family into my life along with alcohol. I would eventually use alcohol to forget the trauma of getting sexually assaulted in 2011 and the suicide of my biological father in 2014. Finally let’s not forget that addiction runs in my family and that as an FAS individual I am pitted against a 70% chance of becoming an alcoholic or an addict. The odds have not been in my favor however I am the one who made the choice to drink.

When did drinking become an addiction for me?

If I’m honest I can say I was addicted from the first time I got drunk at the age of 18. I loved it, I felt free and happy. It took away any pain I had or felt both physically and emotionally. As I got older I thought I was a “responsible drinker.” I would drink up to 10 Liters of coolers in a single week to cope with the stress of work. I worked at a nightclub as a DJ on weekends and so free booze were always available. Spring and summer of 2014 found me in and out of hospitals fighting infections. I became seriously addicted to narcotic painkillers. I lied to doctors frequently in order to get prescriptions of morphine or Dilauded. By the end of 2014 I was heavily drinking again. I was no longer a “functioning alcoholic.” I was living on Employment Insurance and told not to return to work until 2015. I didn’t end up getting a part time job until April of 2015. At this time, I moved in with a friend and slowed my drinking to only drinking on the weekends. It was after I got fired from my part-time job that I started spiraling out of control. Summer of 2015 was spent drinking and drugging. I went hungry so that I could drink. I lied to and manipulated my friends and family so that I could drink. I was in debt so that I could drink. I compromised my health so that I could feed my disease. I drank because I couldn’t bear to deal with the pain and trauma that had been brought upon me. Alcohol made me free. I thought drinking every weekend to the point of blackout was a good time. Waking up the next morning still drunk or extremely hung-over meant the night before had been awesome regardless of whether or not I remembered what happened. In reality my body was reeling and suffering badly from the poison flowing through my veins. I would find myself suffering withdrawals. My body couldn’t regulate a proper temperature, so I was either freezing or over-heating. I was getting awful stomach-aches because the lining of my stomach was damaged due to alcohol.

I always thought I had control over my drinking, the alcohol made life manageable.

Manageable for me meant drinking a 26 oz. of 40% flavored vodka every day; because that was the fastest way to get alcohol into my system and then sipping a case of twisted teas to keep the buzz going for as long as possible. I had this disease and it was slowly killing me. It had me gripped so tight that on September 30, 2015 I stopped breathing. I awoke to find myself on the X-ray table at the hospital. I had no idea where I was or how I got there. I would later find out that paramedics were called to the house because I wasn’t breathing and was barely responsive. I had overdosed; I drank a 26oz of 50% vodka in about two hours plus a handful of Tylenol tablets. I woke up the next morning still drunk and in pain. My gut hurt from the activated charcoal they gave me to make me vomit and my head hurt from dehydration. The doctor warned me that I needed to be careful, and that I should probably seek help from a therapist.

What do we do now

Two days after that my foster mom came to the house to talk to me about what happened. I don’t remember much about her visit other than her asking me, “What do we do now?” We discussed a plan of action which included her contacting someone from Alcoholics Anonymous. It also involved me agreeing to stay sober for that day. I remember getting out of my mom’s car after her visit and walking into the house and seriously contemplating walking a few blocks to the off-sale and grabbing a bottle of vodka. My entire being was shaken. My mom had made me realize that my friends and family was seriously concerned about me and that I may have a drinking problem. I spent that weekend suffering awful withdrawals and crying. I decided to reach out and contact the number that had been given to me for a ride to AA. I was shaking when my ride arrived that evening. I really don’t remember much about that first meeting. I do know that I was scared of criticism and afraid that someone would recognize me. Instead I was met with smiling faces and kindness. I was welcomed in and given a newcomer’s package. Everything that was said in that meeting was meant for me. By the end of it I knew full well that I was an alcoholic.

New Hope

Sobriety has not been easy. I fought for each sober day and continue to do so. I lied to cover up my pain and I ended up hurting a lot of people. Being sober has helped me slowly rebuild some of those relationships; it has given me hope, new healthy memories and gratitude. I still have a long way to go but I know that I am loved, valued and worth being known. As of October 1, 2016 I am 1 year clean and sober.