by Fiona Stockard | Sep 29, 2014 | Drug Addiction
Written By: Fiona Stockard
Firsthand Addiction: What’s Jail Really Like?
Jail sucks. Everyone knows that. I mean, if I asked a roomful of people if they wanted to go to jail, would anyone raise their hand? Hell no!
Unfortunately, jail’s a part of life for addicts. If I wasn’t doing illegal stuff, I wouldn’t have been able to support my expensive as f**k drug habit. Now, I don’t want to put words in anyone’s mouth, but the same can be said for most addicts. Plus, we’re usually good at plotting and scheming.
What’s jail really like though? Is it as bad as TV shows make it out to be? Are people getting shanked left and right? Let’s find out!
My Experiences With Jail
I’ve been to jail three times and (surprise) none were fun. They didn’t completely suck either though.
I was arrested when I was fifteen for shoplifting. I don’t know why the cop didn’t let me go with a warning. I mean, come on, I was fifteen! Oh wait, probably ‘cause he found the drugs in my pocket. It was just weed though! Whatever, the point is I was shipped to a juvenile detention facility until I could go to court.
I was there for one day and one night. I didn’t get shanked. I didn’t get beaten up. I didn’t get made some woman’s b***h. It wasn’t that bad, actually. There were some thug-life girls who kept eyeballing me, but I just ignored them.
There were also a few really nice older girls. They’d been in juvie before and knew the deal. They told me what to expect in court – how I should throw myself on the judge’s mercy and say I’d never get high or steal again. Guess what? I did just that and it worked! I was released with no juvenile probation, only fines.
I wasn’t as lucky the next two times I was arrested. Both times were for possession of heroin and I was pretty dope sick in jail. I was locked up for a few days the second time and a little over two months the third time. I was over eighteen too, so I got thrown in big-girl jail. No more easy juvie for me. Dammit!
Still, I didn’t get beat up, or shanked, or made anyone’s b***h. The worst parts were being dope sick, not being able to smoke, and the crappy food. It’s not like I had an appetite anyway though!
Once again, an older woman came to my rescue. She was a longtime junkie and knew what I was going through. She gave me some of her meds (non-narcotic, of course). They helped a little bit.
The second time I was arrested, I was released with probation. The third time I wasn’t as lucky. I spent two months in jail, was mandated to drug court, and had my probation extended. You’d think that would get me sober, right? Nope. It just made me pretty good at hiding my drug use.
So, maybe getting shanked and all that bad stuff only happens in prison. Luckily, I wasn’t sent there, so I don’t know. Maybe it’s all made up to sell TV shows and movies. Again, I don’t know. I do know that I haven’t been back to jail in over six years. Normal people might think that’s, well, normal. Me though? I’m pretty f**king proud of myself!
by Sally Rosa | Sep 1, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
Let Me Paint You a Picture
The scene opens on beautiful Delray Beach, Florida. It’s a cool summer evening. The breeze blows just right.
Three women stand in a Publix parking lot. Woman one is me, your spunky narrator, Fiona Stockard. Woman two is elderly, maybe seventy-five. She has white hair and wrinkles. She could be your grandmother. Woman three is maybe twenty-one. She’s covered from head to toe in tattoos and wearing nothing but a tank top, booty shorts, and a backwards hat. A cigarette dangles from her lips.
The tattooed woman grabs a motorized shopping cart and starts driving around in circles. She’s bored and restless, you can tell from her expression.
The elderly woman starts hollering at the tattooed woman. “Hey, hey…hey,” she yells. The tattooed woman keeps driving in circles.
“F**king drug addicts, this town is full of ‘em,” the elderly woman mutters. She walks off into the night.
St. Paul, Minnesota
Two women, both in their early twenties, wait for the bus. It’s a brisk morning, both are sipping coffee. Steam rises from their cups. Both have recently checked into a halfway house. Both are out looking for jobs.
Woman one, let’s call her Jenny. Jenny has on ironed black pants and a light charcoal blazer. She’s wearing heels, not too high, and carrying a briefcase. Her hair is styled perfectly.
Woman two, let’s call her Tabitha. Tabitha has on a band tee shirt, ripped jeans, and ratty shoes. She hasn’t showered in days. Her hair looks more like a bird’s nest than anything else.
That night, in process-group, both go over their day. I sit among the rest of the women, bemused, pretty sure I know what’s going to happen next. Tabitha’s furious. “I got on the bus and someone tried to sell me crack! This town sucks. I can’t stay sober here! Every day it’s the same thing! ‘Want to get high?’ or ‘I got what you need, let’s party.’ This town is full of drug addicts!”
The therapist turns to Jenny. He asks how many times Jenny was offered crack. None, she responds. The therapist turns back to Tabitha. “You’re offered crack because you look like you smoke crack, Tabitha!”
The Moral Of The Story
Although I write a pretty killer dramatic monologue, both of these events actually occurred. I was there and witnessed firsthand why the stigma around addiction exists.
See, the rest of the world thinks addicts and alcoholics are bad people because of people like tattooed woman and Tabitha. We need to “practice these principals in all our affairs.” All of our affairs! Tattooed woman had about nine months sober, yet she acted like she was actively getting high. This hurts our entire recovery community!
The local Delray Beach Government is trying to pass anti-recovery legislation because of people like tattooed woman! Her dumb s**t only adds fuel to the fire. If you don’t act (or for that matter look) like a woman in recovery, you might as well keep getting high.
My parents told me they knew I’d changed when my words met my actions. Tattooed woman and Tabitha both sounded great at meetings. They seemed to have a grasp on sobriety. They could talk the talk. Still, they looked like s**t. They acted like s**t. They didn’t walk the walk.
Had tattooed woman or Tabitha told any innocent bystander they were in recovery, we all would’ve been f**ked. If someone had no contact with other recovering addicts, they’d associated tattooed woman and Tabitha’s behavior with the entire program. This hurts us now and will hurt us in the future.
Let me paint you one final picture. Remember that elderly woman? The one who could be your grandma? Well, she has a daughter. Her daughter works as a hiring manager at Publix. One day, Jane Doe walks into Publix and asks for a job. She tells the hiring manager that she’s in recovery. You bet your sweet a** the hiring manager is going to remember the story her mother told her about tattooed woman.
Act like a recovering addict, not like an active drug addict. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to the rest of us.
by Fiona Stockard | May 22, 2013 | Sobriety For Women, Addiction Treatment
Relapse: A Four Letter Word
I want to share my experience with relapsing. I’m kind of an expert! I relapsed a bunch of times before I finally got sober for good.
It’s frustrating and confusing to deal with relapse, both for the addict and their loved ones. Pay attention now, ’cause I’m going to let you in on a secret! You relapsed? Your child relapsed? Your significant other relapsed? It’s not the end of the world. There’s hope. There’s always hope! We shouldn’t ever give up on ourselves. Our loved ones certainly don’t.
Our loved ones don’t understand though. My parents, and pretty much everyone else, couldn’t understand why I kept relapsing. I hope my experience can benefit everyone seeking a better understanding of relapse.
So, Why Did I Relapse?
It’s hard to keep focus and hope in the face of repeated relapses. Trust me, I know this as well as anyone. Still, it’s important to remain confident that this time you’re going to stay sober! We learn from each relapse. Rather than looking at them as set-backs, we should view them as learning experiences. I’ve certainly come to view them this way. Each of my relapses took me one step closer to getting sober for good. I gained knowledge, and learned much needed lessons, each time I used.
Obviously, I still had a lot to learn. Still, each and every relapse brought me closer to learning what I needed. To put it another way, I relapsed multiple times because I still had something to learn from my addiction. I had to learn how to deal with emotional pain caused by difficult situations and traumatic memories. The more I used over these things, the more I realized that using wasn’t the answer!
I had to relapse again and again for this knowledge to be burned into my consciousness. After all, as an addict, I’m sort of an expert at fooling myself! I had to learn to get honest, with others and myself. I heard this over and over at meetings, but never internalized it.
My relapses reinforced the simple fact that drugs weren’t worth it. What was it? My life, sanity, health, and family. Drugs weren’t worth all that. Each time I used, this belief became stronger and stronger until, finally, I couldn’t deny it any longer.
Other Reasons I Relapsed
Another reason I used over and over, despite the negative consequences, is because I wasn’t strong enough yet. I built the strength and resolve to stay sober through every mistake I made. Each relapse took me closer to my bottom.
See, I had to really hit bottom. I had to hit my bottom. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought, said, or did, until I was at bottom, I wasn’t going to have the resolve to stay sober. Until I did something I said I’d never do, I wasn’t done. Until I crossed that line, I wasn’t done. Now, don’t get me wrong, I crossed a lot of lines in my addiction. That final line though? For some reason that one really hit home. It made me realize just how painful addiction is.
I can’t quite explain why this was different than my other stupid decisions. I’m not sure if it was just an accumulation of all the crap I’d done up to that point. I’m not sure if it was just the final straw. I am sure that we all have to find that one moment that’s our own bottom. We have to face changing or losing ourselves forever.
Relapse made me understand there was NO controlling my use. If I said I could control it, I was only fooling myself. Relapsing didn’t mean I’d never get sober, it just made me a stronger person from the lessons learned. So, please, don’t lose hope! Keep trying and take with you the lessons from each relapse!
-Charmed
by A Women in Sobriety | Dec 21, 2012 | Addiction Treatment, Benefits of Sobriety
Written By:
Fiona Stockard
Looks are Deceiving
Some people are born lucky. They come from decent homes. They have decent looks. They have decent personalities. Hell, maybe they even have a trust fund or two. These are the lucky ones, right?
Everything on the outside seems perfect. Inside though, well, it’s usually a different story. What I’m trying to say is that looks are deceiving.
Addicts = Actors
The same can be said for addicts and alcoholics. If I do say so myself, and I do, we’re the worlds best actors. We lie, cheat, and steal our way into whatever we want. I have a Ph.D in arguing, screaming, crying, and manipulating.
I remember being a kid and not getting what I wanted. What did I do? Accept the situation? Hell no! I kicked, screamed, and generally threw a tantrum until that shiny new toy was in my hands!
If I got in trouble, well, I’d find some way to sneak out of the consequences. On paper I was fine. I did well in school. I did well at work. I was a social butterfly as soon as I hit middle school. From the outside, it looked like I was heading in the right direction. However, that wasn’t the case at all.
On the inside I was a wreck. Am I going to give you the same old sob story? “Oh, I’ve always felt like a piece of crap! There’s so much agony in my heart!” Nope. That wasn’t always the case. For awhile I felt part of life. I felt fine. Once drugs and alcohol became my crutch, my only outlet for dealing with emotions, I became two people. I lost myself. There was the real Fiona, the inside Fiona, the train wreck Fiona. Then there was the fake Fiona, the outside Fiona, the perfect woman.
Blessings of Sobriety
Sobriety’s given me more blessings than I can count. Look, life’s not always perfect, but it’s a million times better than it was. One of the most meaningful blessings, probably the MOST meaningful, is my ability to be one person. Through sobriety, I’ve been able to combine the inside Fiona and the outside Fiona.
I’ve upgraded, if you will. I’ve found out who I really am. Sobriety’s been a crazy journey. A journey filled with beautiful, inspiring, heartwarming “ups,” and dark, painful, devastating “downs.” Still, nothing’s ever been worth more than my recovery. Nothing.
Nothing’s connected me more to a desire for life, to a passion, to a soul, than my sobriety. Yeah, some people are born lucky. But me? I’ve been granted a beautiful blessing.
