by A Women in Sobriety | Oct 29, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
Articles are the sole work of the individual author and do not express the opinion of Sobriety for Women.
Grateful Alcoholics Don’t Drink?
If you’re in recovery, you go to meetings. If you go to meetings, you hear corny sayings. If you hear corny sayings, you’ve heard “grateful alcoholics don’t drink.” So, by the transitive property, if you’re in recovery, you’ve heard that grateful alcoholics don’t drink.
I hate that saying, okay? It’s clichéd, shallow, corny, and worst of all, misleading! Now, before you write me off as a ranting and raving lunatic, let me explain.
Why I Hate That Saying
“Grateful alcoholics don’t drink” isn’t inherently bad. I mean, if you know the true meaning of gratitude, you probably won’t drink (or get high). Okay, sounds reasonable. Besides, gratitude is an important part of sobriety.
Here’s the thing though, the saying is used as a sort of band-aid AA. It’s right up there with “don’t drink and go to meetings,” “meeting makers make it,” “put the plug in the jug,” and “easy does it.” Hey, someone should write articles about those too!
Let me explain something very clearly. Alcoholics drink. Grateful alcoholics drink. Sober alcoholics drink. Drunk alcoholics drink. Alcoholics in any form drink. We drink because we’re alcoholic and we’re alcoholic because we drink. We drink because we don’t have a choice and we don’t have a choice because we drink.
However, once you do the work, you have a choice about whether to drink or not. Do what work?, you ask. I thought I only had to go to meetings?, you ask. Here’s the reason why “grateful alcoholics don’t drink,” and all those other sayings, suck.
Do Some Work
I didn’t get sober until I got off my butt and did some work. I sat in meetings immediately after shooting up. I relapsed over and over and over again, until the day I decided to try something different.
When I say I did some work, or that I tried something different, I’m talking about working the twelve-steps. You’d be surprised how many people go to meetings and don’t work the steps. Well, maybe you wouldn’t. Maybe you’ve sat in meetings and seen the girl nodding off.
See, AA wasn’t designed around meetings. In fact, meetings came about as an offshoot of doing step-work. Bill W., Dr. Bob, and the other original AA’s met weekly to talk about issues in their lives. They met to encourage each other and provide a safe haven for new members. They met in each other’s houses and had meetings downstairs. Upstairs, sponsor and sponsee would be working the steps together. Guess what? Everyone wanted to be upstairs. They knew that was where you started to get better.
When we first get sober (or dry, if we’re using the correct term), we sit in meetings and are literally insane. We don’t know what it is to be sane. Yeah, we’re not drinking or drugging, but we’re not better! We’re still delusional, selfish, and manipulative. Simply put, we’re still sick.
So, how do we get better? We get a sponsor and start to get in touch with a god of our own understanding. We have honest talks with our sponsor. We write down the people we don’t like. We write down our fears, our character defects, and our sexual escapades. We write down the people we’ve hurt, then we go out and make things right with those people. Simply put, we work the steps!
After Doing Some Work You Probably Won’t Drink
See, gratitude is a verb. You can’t sit in meetings and be grateful for being there. You can’t be in south Florida and be grateful for the palm trees. You can’t white-knuckle being dry and be grateful for “being sober.” No, in order to be grateful for anything you need to put the work in.
Know what I’m grateful for today? I’m grateful my parents answer the phone when I call. I’m grateful I can show up for work. I’m grateful I have friends. Know how I got those things? Well, I made amends to my parents and then stopped screwing them over. I got a job and showed up everyday, whether I wanted to or not. I talked to people and showed them, through my actions, that I was worthy of friendship.
In each of those cases, work was involved. After doing the work, and feeling the peace that came from it, I’m able to be grateful. After doing the work, I’m able to appreciate things.
So, you want to be a grateful alcoholic who doesn’t drink? Get a sponsor, work the twelve-steps, start getting in touch with god as you understand god, make things right, and show up for life. Otherwise, you’re going to get drunk.
by Sally Rosa | Sep 15, 2014 | Recovery
Written By: Fiona Stockard
Articles are the sole work of the individual author and do not express the opinion of Sobriety for Women.
Same Sh*t, Different Meeting
I wasn’t involved in twelve-step recovery twenty years ago. Hell, if we go back twenty years, I was still in diapers and raising hell! I’ve heard old-timers talk about what meetings were like back in the day, though. It sounds awesome as f**k!
Imagine a twelve-step meeting where addicts and alcoholic are sharing about the solution! Imagine a twelve-step meeting where there aren’t any treatment centers rolling in fifteen minutes late. Imagine a twelve-step meeting where Jane Doe, still spiritually sick and only a few days sober, is offered hope, instead of dope! Yeah, sounds better than most of today’s meetings.
So, who’s to blame for the watering down of AA and NA? That’s a complicated question with no easy answer. However, it’s my opinion that these stupid f**king sayings play a part.
Easy Does It? Come on! How can I get better, how can I recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, if I take it easy? I need to get into the work, into the twelve-steps, if I want to recover.
But Easy Does It is in The Big Book
I hear this all the time. Someone doesn’t like me trash talking Easy Does It and points to AA’s Big Book. Well Ms. Big-Book, can you tell me where Easy Does It appears? I didn’t think so.
Easy Does It appears on page 135, at the end of the chapter “The Family Afterward.” It tells the recovering alcoholic’s family to be easy on him (or her!). So, Easy Does It DOESN’T mean take years to work the steps. It DOESN’T mean to only go to meeting. It DOESN’T mean anything other than to treat situations involving family with great consideration and care.
Easy Does It? How Am I Supposed To Get Better?
Up to now, I may have been ranting. Okay, I was ranting! But why? Why do these cheesy slogans get me so worked up? Because they’re killing alcoholics, that’s why.
The idea behind Easy Does It is the same idea behind grateful alcoholics don’t drink, meeting makers make it, don’t drink no matter what, and countless other sayings. The idea is a watered down version of recovery, which doesn’t give alcoholics the proper chance to get better.
To put it another way, if us alcoholics don’t take our medicine (the twelve-steps), we don’t get better. If we don’t get better, we drink and drug ourselves to death.
See, I have a three-part disease. It’s physical, mental, and spiritual. I have a physical allergy, which means once I start drinking, I can’t stop. I have a mental obsession, which means once I start thinking of booze, I can’t stop until I drink. I have a spiritual malady, which means I have a bunch of crap inside which makes me turn to alcohol in the first place.
Through working the twelve-steps, the mental obsession and spiritual malady are removed. God as I understand God removes the mental obsession. It can return, but doesn’t as long as I stay connected to God. God also removes my spiritual malady. Through working the steps, I’m put into contact with God, who then “fills the void” where my spiritual malady was.
I’m always going to be an alcoholic and an addict. The physical allergy never leaves.
My body will always process alcohol and drugs differently than normal peoples’ bodies. If I take a drink after twenty years of being sober, I won’t be able to stop.
What I have done is recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. I’ve recovered from active alcoholism. I’ve recovered from active addiction.
It’s important to note that I’m speaking in the past tense. I’m a recovered alcoholic. The problem of active alcoholism no longer exists for me. That’s straight from the Big Book. Look it up, pages 84 and 85.
What the twelve-step and God as I understand God offer is a way to get better. Upon coming into a twelve-step fellowship, alcoholics and addicts generally don’t have that much time to recover. The mental obsession is tricky, insidious, and powerful. Without God, it comes back fast.
Case in point – how many times have you seen someone pick up a white chip, do no work, and relapse a month later? I see it almost everyday. If us alcoholics and addicts want to get better, we can’t wait around. We can’t take it easy! We simply don’t have that luxury.
So, What Should I Do?
Don’t take it easy! Get a sponsor and call your sponsor. Get into the twelve-steps. You don’t have to do them in a week, but start them right away. Write a fourth-step and share it with your sponsor in a fifth-step. Start making amends (with direction from your sponsor and sober supports!).
If you’re new in recovery and take it easy, chance are you’re going to drink. This is true for women with some sober time, too. We can’t let up on our program of action. If we do, we drink. If we drink, we die a spiritual death. It’s as simple as that.
by Sally Rosa | Jun 12, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Benefits of Sobriety
Written by Tim Myers
“All Righty Then”
“Look At The Fun-bags On That”
“Holy Testicle Tuesday”
“Holy S**t-balls”
“We Got No Food, We Got No Jobs…Our PETS’ HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!”
“That John Denver’s Full Of S**t”
How Jim Carrey’s Commencement Speech Can Keep You Sober
Jim Carrey said all of the above. On Saturday, May 24th, he also said something else. He gave the commencement speech to The Maharishi University of Management’s class of 2014 and dropped some serious wisdom.
Jim Carrey’s Speech Turned My Brain Upside Down
“Fear is going to be a big player in your life but you get to decide how much. You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts and worrying about the pathway to the future, but all there will ever be is what is happening here. The decisions we make in this moment are based in either love or fear. So many of us choose a path of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect so we never dare to ask the universe for it. I’m saying that I’m proof that you can ask the universe for it,” said Jim.
He went on to talk about what he learned from his father. “You can fail at what you don’t want to do, so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love,” he stated.
Son of a b***h! The same guy that makes his a*s talk just turned my brain upside down! He wrung it out like sponge and forced me to utter a phrase I never though would cross my lips – Jim Carrey’s speech is all you need to get sober.
Am I saying don’t go to rehab, don’t go to a twelve-step fellowship, just sit back, relax and watch Jim Carrey’s YouTube video once a day, everyday, for ninety days and you’ll never drink? Yes!
I’m kidding! I do believe women should go to a women’s treatment center and dudes need to go to a treatment for dudes. I do believe that without some sort of program, it’s very difficult to stay sober.
My point is, if you do everything Jim Carrey’s talking about, if you take his advice, you’ll get sober. Period, exclamation point, end of story. You can debate this point with me, as I’m sure you will, but it’s a fact. Just like water is wet, plants need sunlight, the sky is blue and Smucker’s Uncrustables are the most delicious food on the planet.
In Sobriety We Have No Limits
Okay, let’s dissect this speech from the beginning. Jim Carrey said, “I can not be contained because I am the container.”
What the crap does that mean? It means you’re in charge of your own limitations. You can’t be filled because you can always make yourself bigger. All the limitations on yourself are self imposed. The good news? Anyone can stop self imposing limits on themselves!
There’s no limit to what we can do. If you can’t stop drinking, you can break the contained. If you can’t stop snorting bath salts, or bath water, or whatever it is the kids are killing themselves with, you can break the container. Now, if it’s Rubbermade™, you’ll have to melt it, but trust me it can be done! Break Your Container.
Jim Carrey then expands on this idea. “I used to believe that who I was ended at the edge of my skin. That I had been given this little vehicle called a body in which to experience creation, although I couldn’t have asked for a sportier model. It was after all a loner and would have to be returned. Then I learned everything outside of the vehicle was part of me too. And now I drive a convertible.”
Here, he reminds us to open up, to let the top down and experience more than just what’s directly around us. If you’re trapped in a world of drugs, filth, corruption, prostitution, and alcoholism you can change by changing the vehicle you use to travel in life.
I used to drive a crappy 1996 Saturn with cigarette burns on the vinyl, carpet soaked in beer, and puke in the back seat. This isn’t a metaphor, it’s what my car really looked like. My fuel for this vehicle was addiction and self-interest. I changed my car and began a life fueled by Alcoholics Anonymous and helping other people. Now, I drive a convertible. Okay, it’s my Dad’s convertible, but the biggest miracle is that after over a decade of drug use (not to mention nine rehabs), I’m at a place where he actually lets me borrow it! Get A New Vehicle For Life.
Staying Sober Through Prayer and Meditation
Next, Jim Carrey talks about what I’ve come to believe is the most important part of staying sober – meditation. He says, “Meditation allows you to separate from who you are and what is real from the stories in your head. There is a huge difference between a dog that is going to eat you in your mind, and an actual dog that is going to eat you.”
How often do we make up stories in our head of all the horrible things that are going to happen? I do it a lot. Sometimes, it’s weird stuff. I once thought that when I die, I’ll hear Billy Joel’s “Only The Good Die Young” on the radio. So, every time that goddamn song came on, I’d bunker myself in my room and wait until midnight.
A more practical form of this comes from self defeating thoughts like, “I can’t stay sober or get sober or quit heroin or stop drinking.” These are NOT real dogs that are going to eat you. They’re just negative thoughts that you can remove through prayer and meditation. Meditate.
Next, Jim goes into the paragraph at the beginning of this article. He says, “All there will ever be is what is happening here.”
One day at a time. It’s not a cliché when you really believe it. It’s a way of life. Stay in Today.
Jim Carrey’s Commencement Speech is About Living in Love, Not Fear
“The decisions we make in this moment are based in either love or fear.” – Jim Carrey
There are a number of spiritually based programs that suggest the alcoholic is a producer of confusion, rather than harmony. Jim’s saying the same thing. He’s reminding us to choose love not fear, to choose harmony not confusion. Nothing great was every conceived through fear and confusion. Fear and confusion, as a resource, remind me of Nazi concentration camps. Love and harmony remind me of a beautiful beach, blue skies, sunshine, and lemonade. You choose the place you want to hang out in.
Choose Love.
“So many of us choose our path of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect so we never dare to ask the universe for it. I’m saying that I’m proof that you can ask the universe for it.” –Jim Carrey
Getting Sober Isn’t Impossible Because Nothing is Impossible
Jim emphasizes again and again that nothing’s impossible. Yes, you may not have the money for treatment. You may be in jail. You may be a single mother who can’t take twenty-eight days off from the kids, but also can’t stop popping Xanax like Mike & Ikes™. It may not seem practical for you to stop using, but that’s just fear yelling in your ear. Fear dances, twerks and shakes its a*s to lure you in. Fear pretends to be practicality when it’s really just fear telling you to make the wrong decision.
Fear can be a lot like a stripper. It pretends to love you. It pretends it will never leave you. It pretends it’s going to go home with you and stop sliding up and down the brass pole. What really happens? When the club closes, you’re alone with no money, crying in your car because “Destiny” ditched you for the table of frat boys. Oh, that Visa pre-paid card your grandma gave you for Chanukah? It’s out of money, by the way.
The practical choice is always the one that’ll make you happy and better the lives of those around you. Both factors need to be in conjunction though.
Asking The Universe For What you Want: A Highlight of Jim Carrey’s Speech
During Jim sobering speech, he said to dare and ask the universe for what you want. Do it. In many cases, we’ve lost so much to our addiction that all we have left is prayer. Turns out, that’s all we need.
You want to be sober? Ask for it. You want to stop drinking? Ask for it. Pray for it, meditate on it, and the answer will come. It has for me. I once prayed everyday for a wife. I went to the beach and prayed. I went back to my car and guess what? There was no hot chick waiting by my Saturn. So, I went to a meeting. This repeated over and over and over and over and over, until I met the woman I’m engaged to, outside that same meeting. If you want it, ask for it!
“You can fail at what you don’t want so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” – Jim Carrey
Simple, right? Yet why do so many of us not do it? Do what you love! Make yourself happy!
If you like planting things, start a garden. If you like animals, get a job at a animal shelter. Following this rule will ensure that when you die (many years from now!), you’ll be able to say “I did what I love.” How awesome would that be? Do What You Love!
Find Your Way Through Faith
“Take a chance on faith, not hope but faith. Hope walks through the fire, faith leaps over it.” – Jim Carrey
This was the moment when I thought Jim Carrey may actually be Jesus. I haven’t heard a statement of truth this powerful since MLK’s “I Have a Dream Speech.”
Hope is “uh maybe this will work,” or “boy, it’d be cool if I don’t get burned!” Hope is your fingers crossed. Faith is “f**k you fire, I’m jumping over you because I know I can!” Did Moses part the Red Sea? Nope, he didn’t. He had faith so strong that God opened the Red Sea up. His faith made that happen. Have Faith.
Break Your Container
Get A New Vehicle For Life
Meditate
Stay In Today
Choose Love
Ask For It
Do What You Love
Have Faith
See, you can have a life that is so star-spangled freaking awesome! All you have to do is – Break Your Container, Get A New Vehicle For Life, Meditate, Stay in Today, Choose Love, Ask For it, Do What You Love and Have Faith! That’s a fact brought to you by Jim Carrey.
by Sally Rosa | Apr 9, 2014 | Addiction Articles, Benefits of Sobriety
The Top 10 Ways to Build Your Self-Esteem
1) Gratitude
Writing a gratitude list everyday can be rewarding. Sometimes, in early-sobriety we’re unaware of the good things in our life. The more you write what you’re grateful for, the more you’ll be grateful for it!
2) Speak Up and Sit in the Front
It’s important to contribute and participate in meetings. Sitting in the front row is one easy way to make yourself more engaged. Other members will start to notice and reach out to you. This’ll happen even more if you begin to share! Sharing and letting others know what you’re going through helps.
3) Exercise
Exercise is important to physical and mental health. It helps with stress relief and is a great way to relieve anxiety. Feeling healthy and fit will boost your self-esteem, guaranteed.
Start by setting small goals so you’re not overwhelmed. After awhile, you’ll notice you can do more and more.
4) Do Something for Someone
Doing small things for people helps you feel better about yourself. My sponsor is fond of saying that if you want self-esteem, you need to do esteem-able acts. Some great examples are:
- Listening to someone
- Asking someone what you can help them with
- Smiling at a stranger
- Praying for someone
5) Say an Affirmation
An affirmation is when you practice positive thinking and self-confidence by saying nice things about yourself. Having a positive attitude about your life produces feelings of self-worth and confidence. Examples of affirmations include:
- I’m beautiful, healthy, brilliant, and tranquil
- I’m guided by spirit who leads me towards what I must know and do
- I’m courageous and I stand up for myself
- Today, I abandon my old habits and take up positive ones
6) Become a Productive Member of Society
Having a job and being a productive builds self-esteem. Simple as that. In active addiction, most addicts were unable to keep a job. Feeling like you’re needed somewhere, and having somewhere to be throughout the week, is fulfilling.
7)Do Service Work
Doing service work is a great contribution to AA or NA and a great way to meet others. Service can include:
- Making coffee
- Setting up chairs
- Giving rides to and from meetings
- Sponsoring others
- Speaking and chairing
8) Replace “I Should Have” With “I Will”
Listening to others and following through with action show others your willingness. It also produces a feeling of accomplishment and self-esteem. Knowing that you’re doing the right thing and following suggestions will make you, and others, proud!
9) Build a Support Network
Going to meetings and related events is a great way to meet people. Giving out your number (remember, women with women and men with men!) is a surefire way to reach out. Getting to know your fellow addicts and alcoholics allows you to confide in others with issues going on, help with daily life, and have fun!
10) Take Inventory Each Day
Doing a personal inventory is SO important! Every night, before you go to sleep (or even throughout the day) reflect for a minute about your emotions and what’s going on inside. This helps you realize your motives, fears, positive attributes, and negative attributes. This allows you to reflect and do better tomorrow.
Taking a daily inventory also gives you the opportunity to make amends. Here’s a list of helpful questions to ask while doing an inventory:
- How was I resentful?
- How was I selfish?
- How was I afraid?
- Do I owe an apology?
- Was I unkind?
- What could I have done better?
- What can I do for others?
- Who did I help?
- What did I accomplish?
- What am I grateful for?
- Who needs my prayers?
